|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Sheepster on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 9:25 AM EST 
 What an awesome Royal Rumble. I had so much fun watching that. There wasn’t one thing I was disappointed with. I’m happy with John Cena winning the Rumble match too. For the first time in a long time, I was actually shocked. Nice work, WWE. And line of the night goes to Santino Marella. “These people are like sheep, if you asked them 'Who here would like hepatitis?' they'd cheer!” That line made me laugh hysterically. I also enjoyed his mockery of the New York Giants. Damn those lousy Giants. How the hell did Manning not get sacked on that play? Damn it, Patriots. Learn how to tackle. And commiserations go out to Umaga, who came out as the unlucky 14th entrant in the Rumble match. More on that later. But now, we move swiftly to the topic at hand. It’s time for another UTF Guide.  Ric Flair has been wrestling for 35 years and is a 16-time World Champion. This year is most probably his last as an active wrestler. If all goes as I hope it does, I will see his last ever match live in Orlando, just 1 month after his 59th birthday. I’m a little more than excited. No one can deny that the man is a legend. For him to still be wrestling on the biggest stage in the business is nothing short of amazing. But how does he do it? So many other wrestlers pick up nagging injuries here and there until it all finally catches up with them by the time they’re 40. At this point, they have only a few options left. They can: -Turn up occasionally to whore out their best gimmick, -Open up a wrestling school, -Become a politician, -Work as a public speaker with absurd points of view, -Become a reality TV star, -Or get drunk. But Ric Flair bucks the trend and just goes on and on like an over-tanned Duracell battery with fluff on the end. How? How does he do this? We here at UTF have studied sheer minutes of footage and we think we have the answer. This is our guide to wrestling past the age of 60. Getting Into Shape If you’re wrestling at the age of 60, there’s a good chance that you’ve done this kind of work before. If that’s the case, then it’s just a matter of maintaining what you’ve got. You know the kind of things you have to do to get in shape. You just have to tone it down a bit because time is getting the better of you these days. But what if you are out of shape or just starting out? Well, we here at UTF aren’t the biggest exercise buffs in the world, but we have a few suggested exercises. Thanks goes out to “Rocky Balboa”, out on DVD now at a video shop near you. -The Step-Up You need to get into the ring before you do anything, so practice climbing stairs. Just those first three steps will do. Get those calves and thighs working overtime, and make sure you can get up there easily. Failure at this point will put an end to your career. Watch the shaping-up montage in “Rocky Balboa” and see how he climbs those famous stone steps in Philadelphia. He was close to 60 when filming that sequence. It worked for him, and it’ll work for you. IMPORTANT: Avoid becoming reliant on escalators and elevators, and avoid stair-lifts like the plague. -The Bicep Curl In the 5-star-rated film “Rocky Balboa”, Rocky’s coach tells him to concentrate on brute strength because at his age, he has no chance to match the young guy’s speed. Bicep Curls are a must when strength training. Build up those biceps so you can throw haymakers ‘til the cows come home. We suggest you start off small, maybe with a nice cup of tea or something. Apparently, punching ham helps too. -The Sit-Up You may think you know this exercise, but this one is no longer about quantity. As a character from “Rocky Balboa” once said, “It ain't about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward”. This is about getting good at just one sit-up. This is the most important technique you can practice. Practice it day in and day out. You need to get your sit-up time down to about 8 seconds. If it takes longer than 8 seconds for you to sit up, then you have no business being in a wrestling match. This is one exercise that Ric Flair really needs to work on. He seems to have a bit of trouble sitting up in the middle of his matches. Try to watch how the Undertaker does it. Lie still and conserve your energy until the referee counts to 6 or so, then just go for it in one swift movement. This section of the column has been sponsored by the makers of the film “Rocky Balboa”. Covering Up You may still think that you’re in your glory days, but gravity is doing it’s best to pull you down. Because of this, we advise that you wear as much as you can. The fans paid to see you put on a great show. They did not pay to see your beer belly wobble more than a Diva-Search contestant. At the very least, do what Ric Flair does and cover up until you get to the ring. However, if you look any worse than the Nature Boy (we feel sorry for you if you do), you’re going to need a bit more than a fluffy cloak to cover up. First off, you’ll need a nice big pair of trousers. The bigger, the better. Not only does this cover up your weird legs, but it also gives you the room you need to pull off your awesome moves. Tight trousers are a no-no. They’ll show off your ungainly shape and restrict your movement more than it already is. To conceal the torso, we suggest wearing a long-sleeved jumper or perhaps even a woolly cardigan. Wear maybe a button-down plaid shirt underneath, just to stop the itching and to tie the whole ensemble together nicely. This outfit has the added advantage of giving you some natural padding to protect against any hard bumps you may have to take. You never can be too careful though. You’ll still need to wrap those joints up properly. Elbow pads and kneepads are a must. Now you should be all set to make your grand entrance.  Serving suggestion. Making An Entrance One of the ways in which you can save your energy and prevent injury is by using the proper procedures to enter and exit the ring. Contrary to popular belief, there is a right way and a wrong way to enter the ring. There’s even a health and safety booklet about it. And if you want to make it to 60 and still be wrestling, you’d better heed its advice. This whole process is fraught with danger. First thing’s first, it’s important to limber up backstage before attempting any ring entry. Do a few stretches to warm up, and just keep those muscles ticking over nicely. Tearing a muscle getting into the ring would be embarrassing and, at this point, very possibly career-ending. Then we get to the obvious step. Use the stairs. They’re there for a reason, and not just to be used as a weapon. Rolling or climbing or jumping up to the ring apron uses up valuable energy that you’ll need for your match. Once you’ve ascended the stairs, hold on to the rope securely. Falling off at this point may be fatal. To get into the ring bend down slowly, swing a leg inside, and then get up slowly. Ric Flair has this part perfected. You pull your head up too quickly and you could make yourself dizzy. And remember. Most important of all. Trying something flashy like a running slide into the ring may help you look more agile and “down with the kids”, but it may also blow out both your quads.  Careful there, Mr. McMahon. It Ain’t What Ya Got, But How You Use It Great start! You’re safely in the ring and you’re all set to start the match. But this hard work is all for nought if you go straight for a high-risk, high-impact moveset. Ric Flair has proved time and time again that you can’t risk going to the top rope at that age. You’re likely to get thrown off. So what can you do? Quite a lot, as it turns out. We suggest that you start off with punching. It’s a simple but high-impact move that holds little risk to you, and it’s easy to remember. That’s always a big plus. Maybe, if you gain enough speed, throw a clothesline or two. Submission holds are great because you can spend large portions of the match catching your breath back. The sleeper hold is the most effective. It deprives the opponent of air while allowing you to have a nice sit down. Not only do you get your energy back, but your opponent will also be as slow as you for the next five minutes. It’s a good idea to punch them in the head will holding this move. Ric Flair isn’t the master of the figure-four leg-lock for nothing. He’s used it for years, and he can still use it to his advantage at his age, because the figure-four is even better than the sleeper hold! If you take your opponent’s legs out, again it goes a long way to slowing him down to your own speed. And what’s better than having a sit down for a few minutes? Having a lie down on the floor! Go to sleep for a few minutes while your opponent writhes in agony. If you’re feeling vicious or are rather bored by the whole thing, punch him whenever he pops his head up. One thing we would warn against is using any move that ends up with you on the floor. Unless you’ve become an ace at the sit-up (see ‘Getting In Shape’), a suplex or DDT is not effective. You may have put the hurt on them, but they’ll still get up before you do. Back drops, snapmares, kicks and bites, headbutts, power slams, scoop slams, powerbombs (if you can)… anything that puts them on the floor and allows you to stay standing is perfect. And remember… if you don’t know what you’re meant to be doing, revert back to punching. If you’re grappling and you forget how to pull off a certain move, go back to punching. If you don’t know where you are thanks to the concussion you got last week, start punching. The punch is an important part of the over-60s moveset. It will cover up almost all of your flaws. Use it often. Don’t Stop Believin’ So there we have it. Anything is possible. And with the tips contained in this guide, you too can wrestle well into your 60s and possibly even further. You just have to keep going, keep yourself well protected and believe in yourself. Those are the keys to longevity in wrestling. Longevity in anything, in fact. You gotta believe you can do it. You work hard to get your fill. Everybody wants a thrill. Paying anything to roll the dice just one more time. Some will win and some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. Oh, the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on… Don’t stop believing. Hold on to that feeling. Street lights. People. Woooah-oooah-ooooooah. Don’t stop! [cut to black]  So, Umaga was the 14th entrant in the Rumble. Maybe he’ll escape the curse, but I doubt it. Here’s a little statistical breakdown to show why. Comparing him to past cursees, it doesn’t look good for him. Inconsistency doesn’t bode well. Out of the 20 cursees, 7 of them bounced in and out of WWE before they hit the Rumble, much like Umaga has done (Remember Jamal of 3-Minute-Warning?). Umaga is the third Polynesian wrestler to enter the Rumble at #14. The other two (Haku and Rikishi) left within a year. And weight comes into it too. If you look at all the cursees that weigh in at over 300lbs (Haku, Berzerker, Kurrgan, Rikishi and the Godfather), they all fell off the face of the planet within a year or two. And perhaps most interesting of all, he is the third member of the famous Anoa’i family to come in at #14. The Anoa’i family has borne over 10 Samoan-descended wrestlers in just 3 generations, including The Rock and Yokozuna. Rev. Amituanai Anoa’i, who was “blood brothers” with professional wrestler Peter Maivia, started the Anoa’i family. Two of his sons became wrestlers (Afa and Sika, the Wild Samoans). One of his daughters gave birth to three boys, two of whom would grow up to become Rikishi and Umaga. That’s right, they’re actually brothers. As an aside, Umaga’s former tag-team partner Rosey is their cousin. Peter Maivia is The Rock’s maternal grandfather, and The Rock has a cousin by the name of Orlando Jordan. I suppose you could look at the Anoa’i family as a case study of the Rumble Curse. Seven of the Anoa’i family have taken part in the Royal Rumble. Yokozuna and The Rock both won the Rumble and largely had success with WWE. Rikishi, Umaga and Orlando Jordan have all picked #14 and two of them went South pretty quickly. Only time will tell with Umaga.  Alright. That’s it from me. I hope that you enjoyed the guide and that you will use it wisely. And yeah. I’ll shut up about the Rumble Curse now. I’m looking forward to No Way Out. Two title matches AND two elimination chambers? Sounds like overkill. This PPV will either be awesome or awful. I’m leaning towards awesome, myself. If you’d like to leave a message, reach me at the UTF Mailbox: underthefleece@yahoo.co.uk, or you can log onto the forums here and find my Feedback thread in the Feedback forum. Have a good week, everyone. This is Under the Fleece… over and out. DISCLAIMER: This article has been created using nothing more than bad advice, dubious singing and barely legal sponsorships, and any conclusions reached in this column are purely for entertainment purposes. This does not affect your statutory rights. *NEW GALLERY* Randy Orton & Other WWE Superstars WILDIN' OUT and PARTYING!
|
|