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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Monday, January 14, 2008 at 12:26 AM EST
God Kills Kittens Welcome everybody to the column advocating the genocide of infant feline everywhere The Nosebleed Section. I am your homicidal host, The One Called Random. Sorry it’s been a while, but as junior moderator of the Columns Forum YourAyatollah said in his most recent column, you should be used to that by now. In fact, despite his obvious mental handicaps the goat ropin Texan said a lot of things in his most recent column that were fitting to this column and my mood right now. Allow me to quote, if I may. “Been a while, I know, but I would think you guys would be used to that by now. I do hope that life has been oh so kind to everyone out there since the last time we got together. Here's to what was hopefully a merry Christmas and, thus far, a very happy new year. Things have been pretty shitty for me as of late, to be honest, and it got much, much shittier tonight. We'll get to that soon enough. Still, despite my problems, I did have a pretty damn good Christmas, and really enjoyed spending that oh so few and far between day with my family. The new year, on the other hand, has been a mixed bag. New Year's Eve was a bit of a downer….I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that I have no clue what I'm going to say, here. Like, literally no clue, not the faintest idea. I'm just typing what comes to mind, as there's a lot of shit bouncing around up there, and I guess we'll see if anything worthwhile comes out of it. If not, maybe I'll delete it and none of you will ever even read this. Or maybe I'll post it either way, just to get it out there, because this empty house has never seemed quite so empty as it does tonight, and even the mild impression that I'm interacting with somebody is somewhat soothing to me.” Trust me, I hate to spend any significant amount of time in my column quoting the words of others, especially the words of a register jockey like Ayagollah. I’m an egomaniac after all an you did click here to read my words, not somebody else's. Still, as I said at the top, there were parts of his latest work that really stuck out in my head and because of the way my own sentiments echo those words today, I felt it appropriate to borrow them. I suppose I should give credit where it’s due….if you feel compelled to read an entertaining column about a smart ass convenience store clerk who damn near gets his head shot off in a robbery I highly recommend the latest edition of All About The Game: Under The Gun available in the Lop Columns Forum. Unlike my Emo friend however I’ll save you the sob story for this particular outing. I’m feeling a bit out of sorts lately and that’s part of the reason for the slow down in both Bleeders and MNC, though Monday Night Countdown has quite a bit going on which I’ll be whoring out at the end of the column so skip to the end and get that shit downloading while you’re reading this….moving on… --Edge is the best heel in the business right now, bar none. With all due respect to Randy Orton and Kurt Angle, Edge just oozes asshole and is the perfect combination of smarmy, disgusting, and entertaining to make him a hateable heel-not the kind you want to cheer but the elusive kind that you actually want to see get his ass kicked. Kudos to Adam Copeland….he keeps me watching. --So the WWE was disappointed with the return of Chris Jericho and the way the E sees fit to help rescue his return is to yank the best announcer not named JR out of the booth and throw him back into the ring? Great…. Actually, JBL has had his moments where he’s been entertaining, the problem is that they were all a number of years ago now and almost none of them actually involved wrestling. JBL has a role in wrestling….he’s a phenomenal commentator and I think he could serve as a brilliant mouthpiece for an up and coming wrestler who needed one. (If only Robert Rude wasn’t in TNA…the two of them would be great together). But at this point in his career I think “active wrestler” is something that needs removed from JBL’s resume. Maybe he can prove me wrong, and he’s got a great partner in Chris Jericho to do it with. The two of them could realistically steal the show from the main eventers, and I hope they do, but I’m not holding my breath. --The Ric Flair retirement storyline is awesome. I hope the WWE does this right because it has the potential to be a lot of fun. I’d still like to see the old coot get one more run, no matter how short. In fact, call me crazy but I think a good way to do it would have been to have him miraculously win a #1 contenders match and then miraculously win the title at Royal Rumble, before dropping it at Mania to Orton. Presuming Flair will be inducted into the Hall of Fame this year, I think that would be awesome. Of course the other possibility would be to have Flair actually win the belt at Mania before dropping it sometime later (presumably, Backlash). Endless possibilities and I hope it works out for the best. God Kills Kittens About a month ago I was sitting at a local casino playing poker, a venture I take relatively seriously and do fairly often finances permitting. I hadn’t been playing all that long, less than two hours, when I fortunately looked down at my hole cards to discover pocket Aces. At this point I’m reminded that some of my readers are not poker fans and in fact some of them could really care less about my second biggest past time. That’s unfortunate and I would suggest somewhat arrogantly that you seek to remedy that as soon as possible as it’s a glorious game in my humble opinion. Fans of MNC will surely remember my rambling poker commercials or musings about playing online during the last episode (which I’m also doing now). Anyway, forgive the opening, I promise this will make it’s way to wrestling at some point. For now, suffice it to say that in No-Limit Texas Hold‘Em, my game of choice that particular evening, pocket Aces are something of a gift from the poker gods and I was quite excited to see them. I gladly raised the betting with my newfound pocket rockets and was somewhat surprised to see a player call my bet. I was even more surprised to be re-raised by another player. This put me in a bit of a quandary (albeit a pleasant one to be in) because different players have different strategies on what to do in this situation. Some players would just call the re-raise and hope their opponent gains some confidence after the flop hoping to induce more action. I don’t like the strategy as I was fairly certain that my opponent had a big pair as well (kings or queens) and I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to catch a set (three of a kind) without paying for it substantially. I promptly re-re-raised him. An amusing anecdote for those who actually know the game of poker…all others probably don’t care. While betting I accidentally reached over the betting line with a stack of chips and then tried to pull them back…a major no-no rookie mistake that I’m above making at this point in my poker career. The table viewed my mistake as accidentally committing more chips to the pot than I wanted when in reality, I pulled the stack back having decided to add more to it. It actually, worked to my advantage though it was a somewhat embarrassing yet minor mistake in this case. After the initial caller folded the action was back to my foe at the end of the table smirking about my betting error. He seemed to understand it however and looked up at me and remarked “It’s all going in anyway, isn’t it?” and pushed all of his chips in. This was glorious to me and my pocket aces as typically you want as much money in the pot as possible with such a hand. I gleefully called and he reluctantly turned over pocket Kings. When the flop (three community cards) came out I was ecstatic to see Queen of spades, Seven of diamonds, and the Four of spades and I was figuring that Aces were now somewhere in the vicinity of a 95% favorite to win. (give or take) By now I’m sure you’ve all realized that I didn’t begin this column with this long winded non-wrestling diatribe to tell you a triumphant story about how I doubled up and made a nice chunk of change with a lucky hand. And for the record if you’re expecting me to tell you that one of the last two Kings in the deck hit to bail out the protagonist at the end of the table, you’d be wrong there as well. Nope. None of the above. Instead the last two cards proceeded to go runner-runner spade to give my opponent the King high flush, since there were four spades on the board, he had one, and neither of my Aces were spades (we did however share one suit, the club, but it proved useless to me). I went home tempted to buy an awesome poker shirt that I’d seen online the night before while browsing around for some cool poker related attire… The saying was of course accompanied by one of those eerily adorable little pictures that seem to sprout up all over the internet, such as this one.  This kitten craze isn’t new around the internet, there are litterally dozens of these “Lol cats” websites and if it’s something you find amusing I encourage you to download the billions of these pictures that are available and browse them at your leisure taking appropriate time to masturbate as you see fit. Seriously, what the craze is with these damn things I’ll never know but it makes me hate the internet. In fact, I think every time you post a picture of a lolcat, God kills a kitten. Which, is in itself the operating theme of this column. I hate those fucking pictures and I’m somewhat disgusted that I’ve sunken to polluting my own servers with one in order to post it in this column. The glory of the internet has brought about a number of phrases into our common vernacular that don’t exactly translate well into everyday conversation. Sayings like “Makes the baby jesus cry” (though somewhat mainstream thanks to Ricky Bobby) or “makes me a sad panda” are some of my favorite parts of the internet. I love the damn things (no homo). A little bit of education by Google indicates that the phrase “God kills a kitten” originates from the expression “Every time you masterbate, God kills a kitten” and seems to have been used to stop teenage boys from flogging the dolphin. Now, in my experience trying to stop any male from tooting his own horn, much less a teenage boy, is about as likely Funaki winning the Royal Rumble. Still, I guess back in the olden days threatening that God would pop the skull off a infant feline might do the trick. Notice that I preface that by saying “back in the old days” since I’m pretty sure young men in today’s world would respond by saying either… A) “God doesn’t exist….the Supreme Court said so!” Or B) “Cool! Can I watch?” The demented nature of the modern teenager not withstanding, the phrase does have it's values. "God Kills a Kitten" is one of countless "net slang" euphinisms that is used to convey the shock and horroribly wrong nature of an event (such as losing hundreds of dollars when my pocket aces were cracked by a guy who went runner-runner...thus the T-Shirt). This type of event isn't just unexpected or unpleasent. It's wrong. Evil. Much like the violent death of a kitten. Take it from a guy who's now had aces cracked in two of his last three casino sessions...it's not wrong. It's evil. As evil as Kitten genocide. Yet, I propose a theory that might explain the existential question of “Why?” God might take the life of such a cuddly and adorable little creature. (Note: my admission of kittens as “cuddly and adorable” does not justify the existence of “lol cat” websites or the criminal posting of the obnoxiously annoying pictures all over all of webdom) What if in actuality, wrestling’s why God kills kittens? Now, here me out on this…. Certainly there must be some explanation for evil, or at least that’s what the atheists say. If there really was a God, why does evil exist? Ignore for a moment the prospects of soul-building (to endure makes us stronger) or that ever transparent “The Lord works in mysterious ways”. Of course he does. That’s how Dave Batista got to be that big. Mysterious ways. There must be an explanation for it or else God simply cannot exist and all evil is just the whimsical circumstances of life on this planet which may be more corrupt than Congress anyway. Now whilst I don’t much care for offensive material that may offend the delicate sensibilities of the religious right that reads a website entitled “Lords of Pain” I propose the theory that professional-wrestling is the root of all evil-the reason why God Kills Kittens. Consider the Ten Commandments. “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness” is one of them if my Catholic upbringing doesn’t fail me now. I seem to recall it being number nine, and thus not one of the “important” ones, but still, it’s up there which makes it at least as important as “Thou Shalt Not Kill”. (Do you think there’s a point system for each commandment? Is killing worth like nine points, lying worth two, etc and any number over say, twelve, gets you sent straight to hell? Hmm..ponder..) Wrestling is at it’s root lying to people. Don’t give me that bologna (I can’t believe I spelled that right first try..) about how it’s “entertainment” and “if wrestling is lying than so is theater, movies, TV, FoxNews, etc”. That’s some bullshit we wrestling fans feed to non-fans explaining why wrestling is “legit”. As if it’s as real as those things or in some cases even more real which might be the most twisted logic this side of “Iraq has weapons of mass-destruction”. The reason why wrestling is breaking commandments is simply because those other “more legitimate” forms of entertainment operate under the guise of ‘show’. People know their fake and don’t ever pretend otherwise. Shit it took twenty years and a federal investigation for any major promoter to admit that wrestling was “fake” in so much that the outcomes were rigged….yet the guise of “kayfabe’ would still have you believe that everything you see on your television is real! Rey Mysterio showed up at the San Diego Charger game wearing his mask for Christ’s sake! You don’t think Mel Gibson shows up in public wearing a kilt screaming “Freedom!!!!” or indicting Jews do you? (Ok..bad example). Please. Wrestling is why God kills kittens. It’s grown men pretending to fight, which is itself a cunning ruse designed to mislead. However it’s also oily men rubbing all over each other with suggests some sort of homo-erotic innuendo that surely God doesn’t appreciate. After all, the Bible said that’s wrong. Women parade around displaying silicone baby-feeders that even Allah would look down upon and say “I didn’t make those you lying bitch…but DAMN WHAT A VIEW FROM HERE!” It’s horrendous stuff, really. I mean, how else can one justify things like Katie Vick, Mae Young birthing a hand, or Bob Holly’s existence? These things must be the root of all evil…. Perhaps at the least they prove God’s existence. Or at least that of Lucifer and thus, God by proxy. Wrestling encourages kids to bust light bulbs over each other’s heads. It glorifies drug use (heeelllloooo Bobby Lashley…) and the grotesque violence of jumping from obscene heights from one ladder to drive another man through another ladder! If it wasn’t for wrestling then Chris and Nancy Benoit would still be alive, not to mention their child who’s name excapes me at the moment (how soon we forget….) Daniel maybe? It’s wrong kids. Wrestling’s just wrong. How do you live with yourself!? Without your support this vile pillar upon which evil is built would have ceased to exist years ago, and all those precious kittens would still be alive! And I’ll not stand by for it anymore. I won’t stand idle as Mark Henry bores another teenage boy into suicide. I won’t watch as lingerie (didn’t spell that right first try, though..) induce billions of sex cells to be sprayed into socks all around the world. I simply can’t stand by and watch as my hero’s of the past keel over and die from drug over doses brought on by that evil bastard Vince McMahon! Oh, who am I kidding…..they died for me! If it weren’t for me and my money spent, sports-entertainment wouldn’t exist! I can’t swallow the guilt any longer, I won’t be a part of this. I can’t continue to write this column making jokes about sports-entertainers, signing their praises or criticizing their works and know that as I type these very words Damien Demento is falling further and further into a state of depression, depression that will ultimately lead to his untimely demise. I’m a pansy….I know nothing about pain….please don’t do it Demento! I’m sorry! The testicals of wrestlers are resting on my face! My nose is up their asshole! I’m sorry! I can’t handle this. Wrestling is why God kills kittens. And I will not be the source of pain for kittens, masterbating teenage boys, or Demento any more. I am retiring as a columnist for Lords of Pain.net and the host of the Monday Night Countdown.  Not really. That would suck. But it’s the only way I could think to end the column. In lieu of my regular awards section this week (month…two months…whatever, fuck off and die) I’ve decided to provide this instead. Allow me to present ten occurrences in the world of wrestling…which lead to the death of furry little felines. Every time ……... 1) Randy Orton does something douchebaggly and then has to “revitalize his career”… 2) Bobby Lashley picks up a microphone…. 3) Jim Ross mixes up the “Whisper in the Wind” the “Swanton Bomb” or the “Twist of Fate”… 4) Coach takes over as a broadcaster….. 5) Mark Henry or Bob Holly win a match…. 6) YourAyatollah writes a column…. 7) Dave Batista denies using steroids…. 8) John Cena does the Marine Corps salute…. 9) Hulk Hogan makes a public appearance…. 10) A current or former wrestler “shoots” on the evils of internet wrestling fans. What a weird fucking column that turned out to be. I kind of started writing it in one mood and finished it in another, which I guess explains why I’m still holding on to this gig in the first place. It cheers me up when I’m feeling blue, at the risk of sounding a little sissy. Actually to be honest the entire thing was completed in a completely different fashion before I decided it’s not where I wanted to go at all, copied/pasted the second half of the column to a blank word document (for use in column #100) and started all over again. I know it was a bizarre sort of read, but hopefully it didn’t suck too much. Morph and I have been crazy busy the last month or so cranking out two new editions of the Monday Night Countdown and two specials for your listening pleasure so hop over to www.Mondaynightcountdown.net and check those out. Each of the specials has a free preview which I’ve linked below along with the latest episode. I can’t imagine you’d be disappointed in either special, so give them a chance if you’ve got some change to spare. Before I go I need to send a shoutout of "Congratadamnlations" to Romans_3:23 for his promotion to Lop's Main Page. He's been one of my Columns Forum favorites for a long time so kudos to him. If you've got time, go check out his column "When In Rome" it's always a quality read. Also, congrats to main page columnist Zuma on the birth of his daughter. Hopefully she doesn't take after her father. ALSO, one of my boys (whom some of you may know as MetalDragon) recently had his first child, also a daughter. Dragon's been a good friend to me over the years and both he and Zuma have always been supporters of me and my work, so kudos to them for having sex....or something more eloquent than that. Sorry for going so long in between columns. I’d offer an explanation but sadly I don’t have one and that’s the God’s honest truth. Mencee Nation took up what wrestling time and creative energy I had for about a month or so and I was just wicked busy. I’m back now and we’ll see what I can do about trying to get on a consistent schedule. No promises, but I love this gig and I’m trying kids. As always, muchas gracias for taking the time to check out my little column here and thanks for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Episode 36: Hi-Fi Edition Episode 35: Low-Fi Edition --Hi-Fi Editions are slightly larger files and take longer to download but are better audio quality. Low-Fi are more dial-up user friendly. 2007 Mencee Awards Free Preview Check out all the legitimate awards like the Steamboat Trophy (match of the year) and the Guerrero Cup (wrestler of the year) and plenty of more “supsect” awards such as the “Katie Vick Memorial: Who Thought This Shit Up?” Award and the “Godfather Specimen Cup”. Packed with debate between Morph and Random over each award, the show is hosted by Mike Tenay and Don West and features many other “special appearances” including The Great Kahli and Runjin Singh, Vince Russon, Juventud Guerrero, Dusty Rhodes, Mr. Fuji and the debut of “The Wrestling Terroist” Osama Bin Savage. Check it out. 2007 Year End Wrap Up Show Counting down the ten biggest and five suckiest storys from 2007 in true Mencee fasion. Look back on the Chris Benoit Family Tragedy, steroid controversy, the rise of Randy Orton, Vince’s Death/Bastard Son and much much more!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word! ***DIRECT LINK*** Simply AMAZING Gallery Dedicated to Amy "Lita" Dumas HOT POSES!
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