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Submitted by Degenerate on Tuesday, January 1, 2008 at 4:57 PM EST
 With a bevy of beautifully exotic women holding his arms, LOPForums.com Columns Forum resident Uncle Joe makes his way to the stage in usual array of charm., with a very stylish navy blue, Pinstriped blazer, adorning an Atlanta Braves hat - with the brim tilted ever so slightly - and some navy blue and white Nike Flightposites. After getting a kiss from each girl, Joe makes them disappear, and into the oblivion they go, like Molly Ringwald’s career. He now stands to the podium and leans in on the mic while he thinks "If their check bounces, these niggas getting shot up tonight." UNCLE JOE: Hello there, Uncle Joe here, making his 2nd ever appearance on the main page. Some of you may recognize my previous work, as I’ve been plugged so many times over the recent months, but who can hate on that? I’ve got style. But don’t let this fool you; I’m not here for myself. Well, in part I am and in another part, I’m here for two guys (no homo) who I go way back with - if you consider 1 year way back. However, before we get to the proceedings, let me give you a quick introduction to tonight’s main event. 2007 has been one hell of a year when it comes to news, especially in wrestling. WWE’s money ticket and golden boy (the same guy idiot) went down with an injury. Some would consider it the worst possible time, and others say "it’s keeps things fresh..." Pretty stupid of them to say, if I do say so myself. A certain wrestler, whose name now gets censored for some stupid-ass fucking reason, went off and killed his retard son and devil, demon-fucking wife. I mean, God hates demons, and if his son was that loved, God wouldn’t have made him retarded, right? Right. Some more wrestlers died; some surprising, some not-so-surprising, but the point is that a lot of them kicked the bucket. Enough of that shit, let’s take it to the two hosts of the evening. First up, a fellow columnist, fellow Puerto Rican and maybe soon fellow New Yorker; He is the most consistent writer on the Main Page - I’m lying, DaveyBoy and Pt2 are more consistent - and all-around good guy, Degenerate. Now making his long awaited re-appearance, the one that everyone loves to hate, and everyone hates to know. After getting his fill of hentai and gay porn, he’s back, and…the same as ever. Yippee, here’s Big Brother. And they present to you the often-imitated, recently poorly duplicated (yes, I’m looking at you) the award-they-named-to-describe-the-state-of-their-genitals:  BIG BROTHER: Welcome everyone to our usual award show. And thank you Uncle Joe for... can we even call that an introduction? Or was it just some ego masturbation? DEGENERATE: Come on, you know this'll be the closest he'll be to pure greatness. I'm talking about me, just in case. Don't get your hopes high, kid. BIG BROTHER: By the way he presented himself I think he got his hopes really high. Probably came in his own brain too. In any case I'd like to thank you all for coming here to Red Deer, Canada. DEGENERATE: Who the fuck thought of such a dump to host an award ceremony? BIG BROTHER: Hey, don't call it a dump. It's the most festive town this side of the North Pole. DEGENERATE: Festive? Why? This town is even more full of rednecks than a Texas stadium on a Sunday afternoon. BIG BROTHER: Well, at least we keep our rednecks far from the big cities. And it's a Holiday city because it's the town named after Santa's Red Deer. DEGENERATE: Red Deer? BIG BROTHER: Yeah, as in the eight Red Deer that pull Santa's sleigh. DEGENERATE: ... Damn, you have to be either the dumbest Canadian or the stupidest French guy ever. It's reindeer, you idiot. And I'm supposed to be the non-English speaking one out of the two. BIG BROTHER: Me English speak? Me not notice! DEGENERATE: Oh boy. This is going to be one long night. BIG BROTHER: True. A night full of fun and awards. Now, we know that we're not the most serious people in the world, but we would like to get serious for a moment. As you know, over the past few years, many former wrestlers have left us and are probably in a better place now. Let's pay tribute for those who are no longer with us.    Degenerate steps in the middle of the projector during the video. DEGENERATE: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Stop this video now! These people haven't died, you dumb son of a bitch. BIG BROTHER: They haven't? But... I haven't seen them in WWE programming for so long. They're not even on Heat! They must be dead! DEGENERATE: See... That's exactly why you need me. These wrestlers are actually at another company, called TNA Kurt And Christian have been there for a long time, and Booker T just joined them a few months back. BIG BROTHER: T... N-A? Is that some sort of crappy indy company or something? DEGENERATE: NO! It's... *Sigh* Why do I even bother? Yes, it's a crappy indy company. Just... forget about it, okay? Continue the ceremony, please. Hmm... Seems like we were going to have Jim Ross come up here and present the next award, but he couldn't make it this evening. BIG BROTHER: Yeah, good ol' J.R. decided not to show up when he learned Kane and Fake Kane were here again this year. Fake Kane stands up angrily. FAKE KANE: Hey! Stop calling me Fake Kane. I want to be called Original Kane. I still have the freakin' original costume and mask. BIG BROTHER: How about we start calling you Stupid Kane, in honor of that God-Awful Storyline? KANE: Hey, at least that gave me a good 4 weeks of stuff to do. It's not like I'm doing shit now. FAKE KANE: And I wasn't stupid. BIG BROTHER: No, but the angle was. FAKE KANE: Stop calling me stupid! DEGENERATE: How about we call you Fat Stupid Pointless Thank-God-He's-Not-On-TV-Anymore Kane? FAKE KANE: Tell me... you didn't just say that. SHARMELL: OH NO YOU DIDN'T! BOOKER T: Hey, I don't care who you are, you don't use my catchphrase like that, sucka! DEGENERATE: See? I told you he wasn't dead. But he still thinks he's as cool as The Rock. BIG BROTHER: Well, he wrestles like "a" rock. Sharmell walks up to Kane and slaps him across the face. Booker T, completely afraid, grabs her and runs towards the exit. DEGENERATE: Well, at least we won't need J.R. to keep those two occupied. They seem to be running after Booker T and Sharmell. Looks like they're enjoying themselves even more. KANE: Get them! And burn them until their skin turns black! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! FAKE KANE: ... I don't get it. DEGENERATE: Of course you don't. I'm sure J.R. would get a kick out of this. But to hell with his fat Oklahoma ass, these awards aren't about him. They're about these guys who busted their ass throughout the year for us to make fun of. BIG BROTHER: Very true. In that spirit, let's give the first awards ourselves, shall we? Here are the nominees for the evening's first award, the "Hey, They Proved Us Wrong!" Award, given to, you know, the thing that proved us wrong, you dumbasses. DEGENERATE: Thanks for letting your fellow dumbasses know what that award was about. This year's nominees are The New ECW, for still being around after a crappy 2007, Jeff Hardy, for being given a huge push and not fucking it up, and Mark Henry, for still being around for more than a year after everyone thought he would be dumped when his ten-year contract expired. BIG BROTHER: And the first Floppy of the night goes to... JEFF HARDY! Jeff Hardy runs to the stage and starts thrusting his hips in retarded fashion. DEGENERATE: Yeah, give the pothead an award... JEFF HARDY: What did you say? DEGENERATE: What? Don't tell me you're offended by me saying you're a druggie. It's common knowledge. For Christ's sake, you were in a rehab center for our first show! JEFF HARDY: Dude... That's in the past. I don't do that stuff anymore. That's why I won this award, because I've kept clean and I'm doing better than ever. BIG BROTHER: Yeah, Degen. Look at him. He's gained a couple of pounds, you don't need sunglasses to look directly into his bright-colored hair anymore, and he hasn't botches too many spot lately. Cut him some slack. DEGENERATE: Cut him some slack? How can you possibly think of rewarding a pothead? That'll lead to him to do even more drugs, like heroin and crystal meth. Next thing you know, he'll be hijacking a plane and fly it straight through the White House! BIG BROTHER: Marijuana leads to terrorism, dumbass? What the hell have YOU been smoking? DEGENERATE: I don't know. That's what the commercials on TV say. And Wikipedia said it too. You gotta believe everything Wikipedia says. BIG BROTHER: Oh sorry. I forgot how little information Puerto Rico has about the real world. Now where the hell did I put those cigarettes? JEFF HARDY: I don't need to take this bullshit anymore. Just give me my award, let me thank a few people, and I'm off. DEGENERATE: I'm not letting anyone with drugs on them on MY stage! Degenerate and Jeff Hardy have a small scuffle. Degenerate peeks to the floor and sees a small marijuana cigarette. DEGENERATE: AHA! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? JEFF HARDY: Dude, that's not mine. I told you, I don't do that stuff anymore. DEGENERATE: To hell it isn't yours! I don't do this shit, so you're the only one here who had this, didn't you, you damn hippie? I'm calling Vince McMahon now so he can drug-test you and fire your ass! JEFF HARDY: For your information, there are three people on this stage right now. Degenerate slowly looks behind him. Big Brother is looking hard on the ground when he finally looks up to Degenerate and the joint in his hand. BIG BROTHER: Oh, there it is! DEGENERATE: Man, I thought you stopped using this stuff! You know I don't accept that shit! BIG BROTHER: Hey, it's okay! I have, euh... a doctors note in my file now. It's been so long since you took your big head out off your own ass you just never noticed. The note says that I have... glaucoma. This fixes that. It fixes everything. JEFF HARDY: Dude, Maybe I should get glaucoma too. Is it contagious? Stand next to me! DEGENERATE: No, you can't get glaucoma. But get this award trophy and get the hell out of my stage. BIG BROTHER: Come back here with me. I'll give you the name of a good doctor. DEGENERATE: I guess we won't be seeing those two for a long, long time. It's up to me to carry this ship. But that's why I got paid the big bucks, right? Let's keep on giving these prestigious awards, shall we? The next award is the Most Deserving of a Hug Award. This person is so fucked up, he definitely needs a hug to stop him from killing himself or his family. Not like that stuff ever happens. Anyway, the nominees are The Boogeyman, for him being fired, then shortly re-hired, then not being used on TV at all afterward, John Cena, for him getting hurt at the height of his popularity, and Funaki, for him never getting a serious push even while using steroids. And the winner is... THE BOOGEYMAN! The Boogeyman starts crawling up to the stage from his seat. Smoke fills the stage. DEGENERATE: ... What the hell? I don't remember paying for some special effects guy to bring in a smoke machine... Degenerate looks around and sees the smoke coming backstage. DEGENERATE: This is odd. Let me investigate this a bit more while the Boogeyman takes his sweet time coming up to the stage. Degenerate walks backstage, following the trail of smoke. He notices the majority of the smoke coming from an empty room. He peeks in there and sees three people laughing. RANDY ORTON: ... so after I cleaned up and zipped his pants, Triple H said I could defeat him for the WWE Championship. Pretty simple plan, isn't it? BIG BROTHER: AAAAHAHAHA! That part about you, Triple H and Kennedy plotting to injure John Cena is priceless! DEGENERATE: Bro... and Orton? Smoking weed? And fellow Main Pager Zuma is here too? ZUMA: Hey dude. DEGENERATE: I should've known this was the source of the smoke. Was it your glaucoma hurting you bro? BIG BROTHER: My what? My... oh! Yeah, sure... that thing. RANDY ORTON: Ahh, lighten up, man! If you did this shit, you'd probably be 300 pounds lighter! DEGENERATE: Shut the fuck up! Bro, why are you hanging out with this douche? Don't you remember the previous two Floppys? Don't you remember how much fun we had beating up on this guy? RANDY ORTON: Nah, dude. That was in the past. Me and Big Bro, we have an understanding now. Us weed-smokers have an understanding, an unspoken bond to each other. That's something you won't ever understand, fat-ass! Right, Bro? Bro...? Before Orton can look back, Big Brother smacks him on the head with a steel chair, knocking Orton down to the floor. BIG BROTHER: No, we don't have a bond, asshole. I just hung out with you because you had a bigger stash of weed than I had. DEGENERATE: Um... just one chair shot? BIG BROTHER: Meh... This weed has me mellowed out. Hey Zumes? Feel like playing whack-a-mole with Orton? ZUMA: Well, if it's okay with you two guys... DEGENERATE: As long as you draw blood I'm fine. Just stay the hell out of my award ceremony. Now can we get your ass back on stage, Bro? The Boogeyman is waiting for his award. Both Degenerate and Big Brother return to the stage as Zuma starts whacking Orton's head. The Boogeyman is still half-way to the podium. DEGENERATE: Dammit, can you please hurry it up, Boogeyman? Damn, you're not a baby anymore, stop crawling! The Boogeyman finally arrives to the stage, starts doing his strange gyrations, and busts a clock on his forehead. DEGENERATE: I have never understood why a Boogeyman, someone who's supposed to scare kids at night, has to break a clock on his forehead and gyrate like he has worms climbing us his ass. BIG BROTHER: Maybe that's because he DOES have worms climbing up his ass! AAAAAAHAHAHAHA! DEGENERATE: Talk to me again when you're not stoned, okay? Here's your award, Boogey. If you want to cash in your hug, go find a stoned Canadian. Oh look, here's one right now! BOOGEYMAN: I'M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I'M COMING TO GET YOU! BIG BROTHER: Oh crap... DEGENERATE: And while my co-host run for his life we'll take some time to thank our sponsors.  Marijuana - making you as dumb as Jay and Silent Bob since... Dude, I can't remember for how long... DEGENERATE: Welcome back to the 2007 Floppy Awards. Coming up next, we... Big Brother arrives on the stage, gasping for air. BIG BROTHER: Oh shit man. That wasn't cool. You totally killed my Buzz. And do you have ANY idea how much it's gonna cost in therapy to stop having nightmares of this? I'm pretty sure he wanted to put his worm up my ass back there. DEGENERATE: Well, at least your Canadian Dollars are worth more than my crappy U.S. cash now. If you can afford weed, you can afford therapy. It's not like you needed it before, you sick bastard. While I phone in my agent and tell him they better pay in Canadian Dollars so I can cash them in for more American bucks, please proceed with the awards. BIG BROTHER: Now how do you feel about bugging me and my weak Canadian dollars those last 3 years, biatch? But let's get to the next award already which is the What The Fuck Were They Thinking? Award, for whatever made us wonder what type of drugs the wrestling writers were on when thinking this stuff. The nominees are Big Daddy V, for being forced to wrestle and appear in public topless, the WWE for not caving in and giving RVD whatever he wanted to re-sign with the company, and Hornswoggle, for showing us that midgets aren't just good as side-shows. The Haiti Kid would be totally proud. DEGENERATE: I'm sure his little midget soul would surely be proud. The winner for this award is: Big Daddy V! Big Daddy V jumps up from his chair, man-boobs all flopping around. DEGENERATE: DUDE! Sit the fuck down. And please go put a shirt on. BIG BROTHER: Yeah, take an example from Deg here. He knows he's too fat to walk without a shirt on a beach, so he's desperately trying to get out of Puerto Rico. DEGENERATE: Maybe Viscera should just get out of wrestling. BIG BROTHER: There's a better chance of you losing a hundred pounds. Ah! Look at those man boobs. He got more than most Divas. Are we gonna have to call him Queen Mabel now? DEGENERATE: I don't know, but why don't you ask him because he coming up here to accept his award. Big Daddy V gets up, but goes out the back door, leaving the premises. BIG BROTHER: Ha! What a pussy! He couldn't handle the heat so he left! DEGENERATE: Um... Not really... You see, he... BIG BROTHER: He probably went to Wal-Mart, buy some sheets for a Queen-Size bed, cut some holes in them and wear it as a mumu! Even those will be small on his ginormous boobs! DEGENERATE: Bro? He didn't leave. It's just that his boobs extend so much to the sides, he couldn't walk up to the stage through the aisle. He had to enter through the backstage door. In fact... He's right behind you now... Big Brother looks behind him, and sees two huge man-boobs in his face. BIG BROTHER: ... Hi... You know those were jokes that were on the teleprompter, right? I just repeated them. DEGENERATE: I didn't see any of those jokes on the teleprompter... BIG BROTHER: SHUT UP! Listen, we can work this out. DEGENERATE: I don't think you can, dude. He's... When Big Brother steps back a bit, he notices Big Daddy V with a sad look on his face. DEGENERATE: He's... crying? BIG DADDY V: *sniff* Man, you don't know how tough it is being this big. People make fun at these boobs all the time. None of the WWE Divas wants to hang out with me. Not even when I made the moves on Mae Young! BIG BROTHER: Not even Mae Young? Wow. Even Mark Henry got a piece of that old wrinkly ass. BIG DADDY V: YOU SEE? No one wants ol' V. And I can't put a shirt on because Vince McMahon threatened to fire me if I ever did. I secretly think he likes watching me without a shirt... DEGENERATE: Wow... This is just too much. I think you deserve a hug too... BIG DADDY V: REALLY! YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HUG!!! DEGENERATE: ... BUT we already gave that award tonight. Sorry dude. Here's your award, now see ya. BIG BROTHER: Whew, that was close. I wouldn't be able to handle hugs from two large black men in one night. But we have other awards to give out tonight, like the Most Daring Storyline Award, for the storyline that opened out mouths, kept our eyes open and made us talk. Most likely we talked shit about it, but we talked, nonetheless. DEGENERATE: The nominees for this award are Edge, for constantly making out with Vicky Guerrero on-screen while I want to go puke, Vince McMahon for the whole limousine-explosion thing, and Vince McMahon again for subjecting himself to a month-long storyline in search of his bastard child. Two McMahon nominees in one award? And they say he doesn't have a monopoly. BIG BROTHER: He doesn't, because the winner is... EDGE! Edge jumps up from his seat and goes to the stage to accept his award. DEGENERATE: Here you go, you Canadian sicko. You should be ashamed of yourself for taking advantage of a widow like you do. And what the hell were you thinking making out with her? Did you want to see what Lita would be like when she gets old? BIG BROTHER: With the amount of drugs Lita used, I'm not sure she'll be able to look "that good" in 5 years. EDGE: Whatever, you dumb assholes. You know that Edge is the Rated R Superstar, and he'll continue to be Rated R with anyone as long as it gets me this shiny World Heavyweight Championship gold around my waist. And it's not like Vicky has someone in her life. Right, sweetie? Edge winks at Vicky, but then the lights start to flicker. DEGENERATE: I really hate Canada. Can't you people keep your electricity stable enough for a show of this magnitude? BIG BROTHER: Canada is the biggest producer of electricity in the entire world. There’s something wrong here. All the lights go off for a few seconds. Part of them turn back on, to reveal a foggy vision. BIG BROTHER: What the hell... It looks like... Eddie Guerrero? EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: Yeah, holmes! It's me again. I always look forward to these awards. They're the only ones that validate the parking of dead spirits! Hahaha, I'm a riot, ese! DEGENERATE: Great, now he's a stand-up comedian. If spirits could stand up, of course. EDGE: E.... Ed..... Eddie? Du... Dude! A spirit! A real, talking spirit! BIG BROTHER: Don't be such a pussy. He's a cool spirit. We freaked out at first, but he's pretty cool. EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: Yeah, hermano. But I won't be cool with this guy. You're out there kissing my wife on TV, ese! EDGE: But... It's just a storyline! EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT:Come on, we all know what you do to WWE Divas! EDGE: Man... I used to be like that. But Vicky is... different. We're just acting on screen. I have never traveled with her ugly ass... I mean, we only meet up at WWE shows, you know? EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: Oh, so now my mamacita is ugly? I see what you're saying, holmes. You just want a hot piece of ass? Well, she's MY piece of ass, ese! Spirits need some love too, you know? I should beat the hell out of you know! As Eddie Guerrero's Spirit goes towards Edge, the lights flicker once again, and another foggy vision shows up. EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: Hey, I'm supposed to be the only spirit here. What the hell? BIG BROTHER: Oh Christ. Tell me we won't have to suffer through every single dead wrestler for this award because I don't think we have enough time. DEGENERATE: There's not too many! Just Mike Awesome, Chris Candido, Brian Adams, Miss Elizabeth, Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, Davey Boy Smith, Road Warrior Hawk... Ah, screw it, there's too damn many to name, which one is it? BIG BROTHER: It's sort of Eddie's height... Looks Canadian... NO WAY... EDGE: Ch... Chris? Benoit? CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: That's right, I'm here to take what's rightfully mine! EDGE: But... you weren't married to Vicky. CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: Not that! I want my "Most Daring Storyline" award now! DEGENERATE: The award? CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: Yeah, I should've won that award. Did Edge kill his wife? NO! Did Edge suffocate his son? NO! Did Edge kill himself with a weight machine cable? NO! And you call him kissing a dead man's wife 'daring'? Ha! BIG BROTHER: Chris... That's not daring. What you did is the most despicable, vile and evil thing and human being could do. You deserved to die, really. DEGENERATE: Yeah, as if a grown, muscular man killing a frail woman and small child is hardcore. It's not. And if you weren't already dead, I'd kill you myself right now. CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: But... But... I did something no one else did! DEGENERATE: True, but so did the writer who made Mae Young give birth to a hand, and no one talks about him these days. CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: Eddie? You're my best friend. You know I was the most daring person this year! EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: ..... CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: ... Eddie? Why don't you talk to me, Eddie? No one in Hell wants to talk to me, please don't turn your back on me too! EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: ..... CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: No, Eddie! Talk to me! EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: ..... CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: ... Now my best friend won't even talk to me. BIG BROTHER: We told you. You fucked up. Now get your spiritual ass of my stage or make yourself useful and give a hug to Queen Mabel. BIG DADDY V: No way. I'm not sinking that low. CHRIS BENOIT’S SPIRIT: I can't take this anymore! I'm going back to hell, and I'm never coming back! The lights flicker, and Chris Benoit's Spirit disappears. DEGENERATE: Good riddance. Hope he never comes back again. Only if it's an old match on WWE DVD's. BIG BROTHER: And even they're taking him out of those. No one loves him anymore. EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: That was awkward. I haven't spoken to Chris since the incident. DEGENERATE: So... You spoke to him after you died? EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: Orale holmes. I told him how cool it was being dead. Not having to travel or worry about family and stuff. BIG BROTHER: ... Really? Seems like he took your words a bit too seriously, if you ask me... EDDIE GUERRERO’S SPIRIT: ..... Oh shit... Gotta run. See ya, eses! The lights flicker, and Eddie Guerrero's Spirit disappears. DEGENERATE: That sort of explained a lot. Before we continue with the ceremony, I need some clean-up on the stage. Take this babbling Canadian out of here, please? BIG BROTHER: What the fuck have I done again? Oh, you meant Edge. My bad. EDGE: But... They were spirits! And... They talked to me! And... They remembered me! SPIRITS! BIG BROTHER: Dude. You need to get glaucoma! Here, let's me show you how. Let's roll a commercial  Where the true legends come to write And yes, this is our official logo... We're sorry... BIG BROTHER: And welcome back to the show that has weirder shit happening than when the WCW had Robocop help Sting in a wrestling match. DEGENERATE: Why do you talk about that shit again? You want to give our viewers nightmares of Vince's new storylines? BIG BROTHER: Point well taken. Let's get to the next award which is the Least Humiliating Comeback Award, and the nominees are Chris Jericho, for his recent return to save us, Rey Mysterio, for being fired and re-hired… DEGENERATE: He wasn't fired, you dumb bastard. He was injured. How much wrestling have you watched this year? BIG BROTHER: Not enough it seems, and too much of it looking through the bottom of a bottle, too. Anyway also nominated is Donald Trump who appeared at Wrestlemania 4 and 5 which were held at the Trump Plaza. DEGENERATE: You're really stretching these nominees, aren't you? BIG BROTHER: Who gives a shit, we all know who wins the award. And the winner is... Chris Jericho! The stage goes dark, and a countdown starts from 10 in the monitors in the room. When the countdown reaches "3", the screen freezes. Two minutes later... DEGENERATE: Um... I know you're behind the curtain, but the screen just froze, the countdown won't finish, so just spare us the agony of a long, drawn-out entrance, please? You know how these Canadian technicians are, they'll probably fix it in time for next year's Floppys. CHRIS JERICHO: Damn Canadians! Don't you jack-asses know that everything Canadian just sucks ass? BIG BROTHER: Dude... It says here you're Canadian... CHRIS JERICHO: I was Canadian. Now I'm a big-time musician and TV personality extraordinaire living in the most glorious place of all, the good ol' U.S. of A! Now tell me who else from Canada can claim that? DEGENERATE: Celine Dion? CHRIS JERICHO: Whatever. That old washed-up hag can't do what I can, and that's to SAVE THIS SHOW! BIG BROTHER: Save it from what? From Red Deer? From fat-ass Puerto Ricans? From stoner Canadians? Whoops, too bad. We got all of those, and then some. CHRIS JERICHO: No, I come to save it from the horrible awards you give out, especially in the past. DEGENERATE: Hey, we stand by ALL of our decisions. We're not some pussy award show that starts censoring when they get a ton of backlash for something. CHRIS JERICHO: Then you shouldn't... A year and a half ago, at the 2006 Mid-Year Floppys, you gave moi, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, the "We So Forgot About You" award. To me! Well, it seems like these fans haven't forgotten me, have they? I'm the only TRUE Superstar of wrestling and the mainstream, babay! BIG BROTHER: Who are you again? CHRIS JERICHO: Ha ha, very funny, you ass-clown. DEGENERATE: No, seriously, who are you? I expected a long-haired, bearded, awesome dude, but all we got was a short-haired douche who likes to wear shiny stuff. That looks kinda fruity to me. CHRIS JERICHO: You both know who I am! EVERYONE knows who I am! I'll never return to these piece of shit awards again, and it will never.... EEEEEEVER... be the same, again! DEGENERATE: Yeah, yeah. Get the hell out of here. You're blinding our guests with those gay pants. BIG BROTHER: Another great talented Canadian wrestler who doesn't get the credit he deserves... Please tell me he doesn't have any family. DEGENERATE: Nope. In his case it'll just be one death, by suicide. BIG BROTHER: Good. Let's just keep on with the show now and reach for stars that have REAL crossover power, the Best Wrestling Actor Award. The nominees are The Rock for the 12 nameless movies he did this year. Steve Austin for his work in The Condemned, and Roddy Piper for They Live. DEGENERATE: They Live? Piper? What the hell was that? BIG BROTHER: You know, the movie where he finds sunglasses that make him see aliens. DEGENERATE: What? That movie was made in 1988. BIG BROTHER: Well EXCUSE ME for living in Canada, where it takes a shitload of time to get those movies. We got it last July. DEGENERATE: I knew your country sucked, I just didn't know how much. Now I do. BIG BROTHER: Ah, shut the fuck up and let's give the award to... THE ROCK: If you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll... DEGENERATE: That was some good timing for announcing the winner. Good job, bro. BIG BROTHER: I didn't do anything. I didn't announce the winner yet. THE ROCK: ... What The Rock... Is... Cooking. STONE COLD: If you think Rocky's slow speech reminds you of Captain Kirk in Star Trek gimme a HELL YEAH! A hush silence falls over the crowd. STONE COLD: Whatever, you stupid son of a bitch. All of your movies sucked this year. THE ROCK: At least The Rock doesn't need Vince's money to get an acting gig. STONE COLD: As if you would ever have accomplished anything without Vince help, you son of a bitch. THE ROCK: Whoa Whoa WHOA! Didn't Stone Cold's career start because of the feuding with Vince? STONE COLD: No. Stone Cold's career started because of the speech I gave at King of The Ring in 1996. It was all because of my mic skills. THE ROCK: In reality, it was all because of Triple H's stupidity, trying to lick Shawn Michaels nuts. And your mic skills never were close to The Great One's. STONE COLD: Your mic skills were totally dependant on your catchphrases. And by the way, talking about yourself in the 3rd person is fucking lame anyway. THE ROCK: Oh you'll see, as soon as these two jabronis hand The Rock his award, he's gonna shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and, just as Charles Barkley, dunk it straight up your candy ass! STONE COLD: Oh no. This time these two pieces of trash will do the right thing and give me the award I won over you. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so! BIG BROTHER: Actually, if you two fucking egos can shut the fuck up long enough to let me finish my sentence, the winner is Roddy Piper. STONE COLD: What? THE ROCK: What? DEGENERATE: What? RODDY PIPER: What? BIG BROTHER: I said... the winner... DEGENERATE: Bro, you see that look in The Rock's and Stone Cold's eyes? BIG BROTHER: Yeah... that means we have to run right? DEGENERATE: Oh Hell Yeah! STONE COLD: Come back here, you two sumbitches. THE ROCK: I'll get the fat one that looks like a Samoan. STONE COLD: Then I'll get the Canadian and drown him in beer. Everybody leaves the stage running except Roddy Piper, who finally comes over the shock of winning an award for an old shitty movie, stands up and walks to the stage. RODDY PIPER: Wow... I really wasn't prepared. I was just here because these guys told me they would give me a free kilt if I was in the audience. Plus, who doesn't want to visit Red Deer in Canada, huh? Well... I guess this award just shows you: When I'm good - I'm great. But when I'm bad… I'm better! What's that? The stage manager is telling me we need to go to commercials. Eh, what the hell. I'm happy that someone in the world remembers my movie from 20 years ago. Roll 'em!  See how ECW was supposed to be seen Seriously... We used to be really entertaining... DEGENERATE: And we're back... Give me a second to catch my breath... Damn, that Stone Cold sure can run for having two bad knees. And The Rock... Well, he seems to have gotten off the juice, so he's faster than ever before. But why did Rocky keep calling me Rikishi? BIG BROTHER: Oh, I'll give your fat ass three guesses. At least he's not as dumb as Austin. Since when can you drown a Canadian in beer? The McKenzie Brothers should've taught the world that shit already. DEGENERATE: So not only you're a stoner, you're a dunk bastard too. Nice qualities to show off to the world, eh? Damn, now I'm talking like the McKenzies! Before I turn Canadian here and I promptly go on to kill myself, let's present the next award of the night, the "Oh, You Won't Last Until the 2008 Floppys" Award, for the person who will most likely be gone in the next twelve months. Pretty prestigious award, if you tell me. BIG BROTHER: You got that right. And the nominees are Santino Marella, because having a pretty girl and a fake accent can only help you so much before people realize how much you suck, Ric Flair, because he won't win all of his matches next year, and The Great Khali, because... Well... He's The Great Khali. Can't say much more than that. DEGENERATE: These are the worst nominees ever. I mean, who doesn't know Flair will win? You know his old ass can't wrestle for one more year. He'll either lose, prompting him to retire as per the storyline, or he'll have a heart attack. A real one, not that fake one he had in WCW where his 'acting skills' shined. BIG BROTHER: That's where you're wrong, my ignorant Puerto Rican buddy, because the winner is The Great Khali! The Great Khali gets up from his chair in front, takes one huge step and is already in front of the podium. DEGENERATE: Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you the only three-time winner of this Floppy award! And at least he has a translator now. You know how much it sucked trying to understand him the last two times. THE GREAT KHALI: UUUURRRRRGHHHRRAAAAAAA MUUUHHDDDDDDRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWW! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Khali says he's not amused by getting this award three times in a row. BIG BROTHER: Wow, he said all that in just two growls? Are you sure you're a translator? RANJIN SINGH: Of course I'm his translator! I also make sure his wrestling trunks fit well... DEGENERATE: Too much info there, pal. Anyway, tell Khali to not worry, because we have a special surprise, just for him! THE GREAT KHALI: GGGGGGUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRHHHHHH SSSSSSSRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHH! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Khali says he forgives you because you thought of doing something special for him and fixing this. DEGENERATE: Of course we thought about him. In honor of Khali's remarkable achievement, we are going to officially drop this award from all future Floppys... And replace it with the Khali Lifetime Achievement Award! BIG BROTHER: That's right! Now whoever we think will be fired in the upcoming year will win this award that bears your name forever! Don't you feel special? THE GREAT KHALI: UUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Khali says... BIG BROTHER: To hell what he says, he has his hand raised and ready to chop us down! Run, dudes! Everyone clears the stage as The Great Khali chops the wooden podium. It doesn't break. THE GREAT KHALI: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Khali says... Thanks for the award. DEGENERATE: You fucking liar! He said "AARRGGHH!", which means he's pissed. Even my English-deficient partner here could've translated that. BIG BROTHER: Deg... He still wants to kill us. He's after me, do something! DEGENERATE: Just turn your back to him so he doesn't see your face. BIG BROTHER: WHAT? I'm not turning my back to that slow-motion machine killer. DEGENERATE: Just listen and trust me. BIG BROTHER: Okay. Here goes nothing... I am so fucked... Big Brother turns around. The Great Khali, not seeing Big Brother's face, stops his slow run and looks puzzled. DEGENERATE: Yo, Khali. He went this way. The Great Khali runs to the exit. BIG BROTHER: Is he gone? DEGENERATE: Yep. The dumbass fell right into the trap. It always works with retarded people. They have a hard time focusing, kind of like you. BIG BROTHER: Hey, I am totally focused on... Oh! Look at that butterfly! DEGENERATE: Hey, focus here. You got one last thing to do. BIG BROTHER: Oh yeah. Right. And finally, the moment you all have been waiting for, the ultimate award... "The Floppy Of The Year" Award, for the person or group of persons who most endangered the wrestling business last year. DEGENERATE: And we had a hard time keeping the list to only three. BIG BROTHER: We also had a hard time not nominating some of our fellow columnists. DEGENERATE: But to be quite honest, they couldn't top our Top Three. And they are Vince McMahon for trying to sell Wrestlemania through a "Hair vs. Hair" match involving two old men who desperately need a makeover anyway. BIG BROTHER: Next we have John Cena for getting injured... instead of dying the slow, horrible and painful death he so richly deserves. DEGENERATE: Man, you do hate him a lot. BIG BROTHER: No shit, fat Sherlock. DEGENERATE: Shut up already. And finally TNA for, among many other things, hiring a suspended NFL player who couldn't even throw a punch in the ring, all while paying him a shitload of cash and making him TNA Tag Team Champion. BIG BROTHER: NO WAY! Wow. That's like a really bad mix of Goldberg and David Arquette. DEGENERATE: At least when Arquette won the WCW World Championship, he was actually an active part of the match. BIG BROTHER: Are you sure this TNA isn't just WCW with a new name? Or Wrestler's Hell? DEGENERATE: Give them a bit of credit: they haven't brought Robocop back. BIG BROTHER: Now look who's trying to give stupid people ideas. And the winner is... oh screw the envelope. I got to give this to TNA. What does it stand for? Totally Non-sensical Angles? DEGENERATE: Close enough. Sadly enough TNA is too poor of a promotion to fly up to Canada from their headquarters, so we'll have to accept this award in their honor and send it to them next week through 3rd-Class Mail. BIG BROTHER: Man, I got to smoke a big fat one and watch some of that TNA. Where the hell did I put my lighter? DEGENERATE: Can't you just stop stoning yourself until the end of the show? BIG BROTHER: My diabetes can't wait. DEGENERATE: You mean glaucoma. BIG BROTHER: Whatever. Yo Kane, can't find my lighter. You wouldn't have something to light this joint? DEGENERATE: Man, this can't end up any other way than just a total disaster. So, thank you all for showing up for those awards and... Flames suddenly burst on the stage. BIG BROTHER: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm burning!!! DEGENERATE: Holy Christ, does it hurt? BIG BROTHER: FOOOOUUUUAARRRRGGGHHHHIIIISSSTTT! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Big Brother said what the fuck do you think, you bastard? BIG BROTHER: Wow, he is good! That's what I was... AAAARRRRHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Big Brother said that's what... DEGENERATE: Alright, I believe you, no need for the translation anymore. Who has the fire extinguisher? BIG DADDY V: I do. Let me try something to put the fire out. BIG BROTHER: What the hell man? Don't hit me with it! DEGENERATE: Now Khali is running for us too. Well, it's really time to go before the place just goes down... again... THE GREAT KHALI: GOUBALLLLLLLLAARRGGHHHHH ISSSSSSTTAAAA! RANJIN SINGH: The Great Khali said... DEGENERATE: Shut up already. Good night, folks. it's really time to split now. Thanks for watching. Degenerate runs off the stage as the credits start rolling. The only building in all of Red Deer is being burned down by Kane and Fake Kane, who are in a competition to see who can burn the most stuff. Big Daddy V is taking out his rage for not having a shirt in freezing Canadian weather on random crew people. The Great Khali is slowly destroying everything in sight, probably finishing next month. And Funaki, in the midst of a 'roid rage attack, starts flying off the stage, bashing people over the head. Degenerate and Big Brother would like to take the time to remind you that this column has nothing to do with the non-existant Memmys, Xanman and DoubleHelix's Excuse The Aggravation, Wevv Mang's Kane’s House or even Al Boo Boo's God-Awful Boobies. Any resemblance in characters or columns is Snitsky’s fault. If he's still alive and using that catchphrase. Also, nobody was injured during the shooting of this column. Actually, some were injured but they deserved it anyway. And no one will even care. E-Mail Degenerate E-Mail Big Brother ***DIRECT LINK*** Very Retro & Amazing Shots of DAWN MARIE in the Pool & Shower!
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