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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 9:38 PM EST
Wow, it feels weird being all Main Pagey and stuff; something tells me I’m not in Kansas anymore. Anyways, hello everyone, names Uncle Joe; resident CF contemporary and overall sleezeball and bitch-banger. It’s so great to be here, writing on the main page and finally being able to expose my work to a wider audience. Thanks in advance to all of those who clicked on the link and stopped by. I really hope you guys like what I’m going to offer you, so sit back, relax and get ready to chill. So now that we have all that nonsense out of the way, let’s get on to the main event of the evening, shall we? I know wrestling is fake (if you’re reading this, I hope you know this too), but ever since the beginning of…forever, people have seen wrestling as some sort of playground for homosexually charged men wearing tights. I mean it is, but that wouldn’t make for much of a column if I went out and made the simple argument. So I guess I’ll tell you how this will kind of change everyone’s perspective and how this will bring up the credibility of what these guys are doing every time they step into the ring. First off, I know some of you guys are going to say “DUR JOE, WWE alreedi have a Hawl ov Fam3!!11.” Well, let me just say that the farce that the WWE has is NOT what a Hall of Fame should look and/or be. “OMG JOE, RESTLIN IZ FAYKE!!”…well, darn, you beat me to it. Kudos. Now just imagine a central building, reminiscent of what Pro Baseball has, with wrestling memorabilia like Rock’s boots that he wore in his last WWE match, or the old and now defunct European title, one of Kevin Von Erich’s tights, etc. Wrestling has a deep and rich history that dates back to the early 1800’s, and showing the business’s past and present would go a LONG way to not only attract new fans and keep the current ones, but would look good in the eye of the media. The key to keeping this thing credible are having guys run it who are independent from any promotion, or have someone from every organization running the whole shebang bang. This will make everything feel more legitimate and um…credible. I know wrestling is fake, but if you look at it, what separates it from other “sports”? Let’s take a super quick look at the difference. American Football players have been injury plagued for the better part of forever, and since wrestling is “fake”, guys shouldn’t be injured at all so…oh wait, guys get injured all the time: Benoit and Angle had constant neck problems; Sid broke his leg in half. Shit, ask Droz if the bumps don’t hurt, so it looks to me wrestlers get hurt like “real” athletes do. The La Lakers and Knicks always sell out their home arenas, something that something so low brow as wrestling could never do. On second thought, the WWE has more sell outs in Madison Square Garden in one show than the Knicks have had in three years, so wrestling sells out arenas as much as the pro sports. Let’s see here…ooo, I got one: wrestling is pre-determined, while “real sports” aren’t. God only knows how true that sentiments ring, seeing as how professional boxing has NEVER ever had a predetermined finish to a fight before. I could of also swore than an NBA REFEREE got busted for betting on games that he has officiated, but I guess that doesn’t count either since the NBA is a “real sport”. A hole in my armor that will probably shoot down my argument is the fact that most, if not all wrestlers are greased up ‘roid monkeys. You know something, these guys are right; and the industry needs to be cleaned up. Guys like Cena, Batista and Orton should take examples from highly esteemed and drug-free athletes such as Chargers LB Shawn Merriman, former Giants LF Barry Bonds and Tour De France winner Floyd Landis: those guys played their respective sports the RIGHT way. Gimme a fucking break, wrestling is about as credible as any sport out there. Why is it that a man that can hit a ball over a wall is considered more athletic and legitimate than someone who can do flips, and cartwheels? See that right there? That’s the intro and semi-part to a column that you guys WERE going to get; but now that I’ve learned my intended column title has been approved (somewhat), it’s a wrap for you guys now. Don’t worry; it’s not going to be a column about why Shelton Benjamin should be champ, why Triple H is a meanie, why Cena should be jobbed out to everyone on the roster or anything gay like that; even though you guys were pretty damn close to getting that. You know something though; I don’t like you. I really don’t, and I’ve never even met you. What makes my animosity grow even more is the fact that I have to write my column in this impossible HTML coding shit. Well maybe you guys can prove me wrong, so I’ll give you a shot. Now, I was thinking of what to try write for my Main Page entry, as I wanted to start with a bang, and write something totally new and unheard of. I was thinking, and thinking and finally came up with a topic…but I’m not sharing it with you guys today. So be prepared for something that will blow you away: and don’t think you can just go ahead and click that little red X all the way on the corner; I put a special code that disallows you to click the X for at least 5 minutes. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and do it. You fucking did it, didn’t you? Fucking dick head, I was obviously joking. See, this why I don’t like you; you don’t seem to be able to think OR take a joke, putz. So yeah, where were we? Oh yes, the column. My first ever attempt at a column was about how a Wrestling Hall of Fame would actually be beneficial to all parties involved, including one Vince McMahon. What that has to do with anything, I don’t know, and I doubt you do. So enough with the chit chat… As the old saying goes “There’s nothing better than a good blowjob, but there’s nothing worse than a bad blowjob.” BLOWJOB: THE WRESTLING INDUSTRIES WORST JOBBERS. The wrestling industry is like a bicycle, or anything with parts really: it has many pieces, some more important than the other, yet are all vital in the correct and proper functioning of the machine. Humans, Bikes, planes; they all work the same, and jobbers are no different. Everyone has their place, and for every John Cena or Stone Cold, there’s a Val Venis or Scotty Too Hotty working all of the house shows and taking all the “losses.” These aren’t rankings or anything: just a list of jobbers. On to the first loser…  Name: Steve Richards Win-Loss Record: 13-231 Finisher: Superkick Job-o-meter: Level Orange Stevie Richards. Boy oh boy; what can I say? You’ve had your chances, and made none of them work. The BWO was “cute” for a while, and the group was the perfect embodiment of what you truly are: a lovable loser. Don’t think so? Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember any member of the Blue World Order amassing any pins…aside from Jasmine St. Claire, of course. You sucked, Blue Meanie double sucked, and Simon Dead...er, Nova sucked hard as well. Then you hit the E’ with that really forgettable and really gay Daisy Dukes stage (something I’d like to be wiped from the depths of my mind.) The biggest blown opportunity that you’ve gotten was the Right To Censor gimmick. Not only was that gimmick a gold mine, but it was a shot: your shot, at the big time. And you fucking blew it. I mean sure you got over, attained massive amounts of heat, did what you were supposed to do and played a key role on Monday nights, but…but um…um…ooooooo, your workrate SUCKS! Ha: gotcha bitch. The worst part, however, is the fact that you bitch, complain and moan. You bitch about your lack of exposure and air time; you bitch about the disrespect management has given you; then you go on the internet, and write blogs about how you are the world’s supreme wasted talent, moaning like you used moan when Raven was stickin’ it up your ass (don’t believe me? Listen to a Raven shoot Promo.) Woops, I’ve made a mistake; Stevie did none of the above, he’s happy and satisfied with his role. ‘Twas the idiotic ECW marks who cling on to the memory of that overrated dump. Sorry Stevie. I feel so embarrassed; damn “Legacy of ECW” marks have stuck again…bitches. Let’s try and forget this debacle, and on to the next jobber.  Name: Brooklyn Brawler Win-Loss Record: 0-Infiniti Finisher: LOL Job-o-meter: Damn. The ultimate jobber. In the 17+ years that he has been wrestling, BB has amassed…1 pin, I think. That’s right folks; Brooklyn has about 5,000,000 losses. That number is astonishing; mind boggling, really. Damn, I’m at a loss for words. Oh well…at least he knows his role. On to the next cunt.  Name: Yourayatoll…Um, Matt Hardy Win-Loss Record: eh, he’s battin’ .500 Finisher: Twist Of Fate; Side Effect Job-o-meter: Only to the best I know a lot of you mungs are going to curse the day I ever mentioned Matt Hardy as a jobber, but alas; it is true. Now, while he was in tag team action, the man (along with his brother) were Cena-esque in the wins that they would amass; but his tenure as singles champ has seen him claim…the Curiserweight Championship. He’s had losses to Finlay (a jobber as well), Carltio (don’t get me started) and a host of others. And he’s a big pussy, as he got himself injured just to delay the inevitable loss to MVP.  Name: Kane Win-Loss Record: 500-399 (Kane’s been on 500 since 2002) Finisher: Chokeslam Job-o-meter: L Kane is sadly on this list, and by my own accord. This man is a jobber to the stars, to the guys on the come up, on the end of major pushes, and to just about anyone, really. These clips (HERE) aaaaand (HERE) show the massive mistake that the WWE made by not allowing Kane to win more in order to become more of a star that the E desperately needs now, and not just some “Elevator of the Stars” role that he has now. His great matches with Finlay, Taker, Benoit, RVD and HHH (which he usually lost) should have been reason enough to keep him out of the loser circle, and in the title hunts and big pushes. Let me give you a quick rundown of the b;atant disrespect that Kane has been shown since Day 1. First, they give Kane a 1 day title run. Sure, he beat Stone Cold (after interference), but he lost the fucking thing 24 hours later. Wait, not even 24 hours: he won the title around 11 pm at the end of the King of The Ring, and lost it to Austin around 10 pm on Raw. A 23 hour reign, wow. As if that wasn’t enough, he was later crushed time and time again by the King of Cocks. Speaking of Homo Heart Helmsley, not only did that bastard crush Kane, but he was the one who was the main focus of that damn Katie Vick angle, the angle that began the downward spiral of Kane. But the biggest shit H did to Kane was beating him in a Title v. Mask match, which was the final strand of hope any of us Kane fans had of seeing him reach prominence. After that, it was all over; jobbing to Umaga, being sent to the Land of the Turds (ECW), and what the fuck; he only has 1 win at Mania. I’m done; let’s move on before I sent a certain wrestler a pipe bomb.  Name: Hulk Hogan Win-Loss Record: what’s a loss? Finisher: Backstage Politics, and a legdrop I think Job-o-meter: Not Found I know, I know: Butt dood, Hogan n3v3r j0b$!11” Well, that’s the exact reason why he’s here. Hogan is not a very good jobber, not a good one at all. In fact, since he began wrestling in 1955, Hogan has lost one fucking time in that whole span: to his wife. His near 70 year reign of terror has seen him beat the biggest, baddest and best names in the industry: Warrior, Sting, The Rock, Godzilla, Stalin, and Orton, the fucking Legend Killer. Titles haven’t been spared from his path either; he’s held numerous World titles, the European title, and even the Women’s title, not to mention taking up 80 of mic time from whatever show he’s on. He needs to be stopped, and Linda may be the only one to stop him. Ok I’m bored now, let’s move on to the picks of the week. UNCLE JOE’s Picks Of The Week: Sneaker of the Week: Nike Foamposite  This is my absolute favorite sneaker of all time, and one that I own or have owned every pair at one point. Why are they my faves? Well for starters, these things are comfy as hell. This is all due to the foamposites material of which they are made of: they allow the inside of the sneaker to contort to the shape of your foot, all without compromising the outside look of it. Plus it just looks damned cool: I love it because it looks like a beehive. Other pluses include no creases or bends: the sneakers don’t bend or get the cracks that other sneakers do. Only drawback for some is the price; they run upwards of 180, American. So go out and get them. Song of the Week: 98’s freestyle by Big L Harlem’s all time best rapper shows his skills and just all around great rapping. Fuckin punk, you ain't a Leader what? Nobody Followed you You was never shit, your mother shoulda swallowed you (Mmmm.. WHOO!) You on some tagalong flunkie yes man shit Do me a favor, please get off the next man dick And if you think I can't fuck with whoever, put your money up Put your jewels up, no fuck it put your honey up Put your raggedy house up nigga, or shut your mouth up before I buck lead, and make a lot of blood shed Turn your tux red, I'm far from broke, got enough bread And mad hoes, ask Beavis I get nuttin Butt-head How in the fuck can you not love that shit? And that’s not even the whole freestyle. So go ahead and let your pants sag, break out your doo rag and slap ya bitch up. Word. Illegal Activity of the Week: Prank Calling  Little things in life can be better than prank calling someone and making their life a little more interesting. Say whatever you want; me personally, I like to tell the person I’m going to cut them, or fuck em in the ass. So go out and practice, and practice and practice. And when you finally get the rhythm down, fry the bigger fish: stores, pharmacies, C-span. Laughter is good for the soul, and the end results of prank calling can provide the best laughter known to man. Oh yeah, the obligatory clip(s): C-Span Prank Public Access Prank The guy in the second clip has the makings of a fucking star, and should have his own show. Oh and before I forget, I want to plug the Columns Forum. I would plug some columns, but I think that’ll create some disharmony between me and my writing brethren. Fuck it, here are some: Demon Days with PWG by Onibarubary and aisce It’s an Indy fed, why should I explain more? Go fucking read it. Bring tha Noize vol.11: Stone Deaf Forever I wish I could explain the column, but it would spoil it. It’s good though. Columns forum Click there, read, sign up, write columns BUT don’t fuck it up. Any mail, love or hate (please let it be hate) CLICK HERE TO EMAIL THIS SEXY UNCLE Well, that was horrible. I thought it would have turned out better, oh well. See you next time…or not. Peace. 
***DIRECT LINK*** Very Cool Shots of JEFF HARDY and His GIRLFRIEND BETH!!
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