|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, November 10, 2007 at 10:08 PM EST
Every Six Seconds Welcome back to the column that makes jokes so funny nobody gets them, The Nosebleed Section. I am the comedic failure of a host, The One Called Random. See kids, I have a confession to make. Remember that column I posted three weeks ago entitled The Nosebleed Section Presents: The Boss Report is Canceling its IWC Membership? That column was meant to be a final “send off” from Boss Foxx, the legendary creative genius of Lords of Pain who recently hung up his keyboard and retired. The only problem is, Boss Foxx didn’t write it. I did. I know, I know. That was wrong. So sue me. It wasn’t plagiarism, I just completely stole his gimmick, column, font, graphics, and everything else. But I wrote the column-they were all my words. See, Foxie has been one of my “e-friends” for years and I’ve always been a HUGE fan of that gimmick that he was using for his latest tour on the Lop main page. When I found out that Foxie was retiring and wasn’t even going to bother posting a main page column saying why I kinda felt like the Lop faithful deserved a chance to say good bye to what I thought was the greatest column gimmick ever. So, I took it upon myself to put on the satire hat and do my best Boss Foxx impression, and write an episode of The Boss Report. I enjoyed writing it probably more than I’ve enjoyed writing any column in years. It was seriously a blast to write and it reminded my why I still enjoy doing the columnist thing so much. I thought I managed to hide enough jokes within the column that people would “figure it out” that it wasn’t Foxx writing it, but I didn’t want to make it a column-parody, I wanted it to be an entertaining column and a sort of “Tribute” to Boss Foxx, who has probably influenced more columnists around the Internet than anybody not named Meltzer or Tito. I mean, c’mon guys, bears? Fucking bears? And how many times can one column imply that it’s author is gay? Granted many of those jokes hidden throughout the piece are inside jokes that most folk wouldn’t get, but still-I thought SOMEBODY would at least consider it. Apparently my Boss Foxx impression was better than I thought. It was so good apparently that the bumbling dolt helping me run the Columns Forum who’s in charge of the Hall of Fame saw fit to actually place it in Boss Foxx’s entrance plaque. Priceless. Gotcha Steve. Of course-the whole thing was really a rib aimed at Foxx himself. I knew he was still checking in on Lop upon rare occasion and I knew that he’d be posting a real “final column” in the coming days as I was writing The Report. He did eventually post that final column, which you can read by clicking HERE, and I was really hoping he’d see my main page posting or get some email alerting him to the little joke so that he could come out and say “Alright fucker-very cute but I wasn’t eaten by fucking bears”. Sadly, Boss Foxx seems to have actually vanished into the never (or he really wasn’t eaten by bears) and my brilliant rib went unnoticed. Oh well, sometimes the best jokes are ones nobody else gets. Hopefully some of you read and enjoyed the column and if not then look at the bright side-it’s retired. I briefly considered the idea of keeping the gimmick alive and writing an episode of “The Boss Report” from time to time and I’m still considering that idea but I’d have to talk to the enigmatic Foxx himself before I’d do that. Like I said it was a blast to do. I’d probably just screw it up though. I’d be like when a popular sitcom gets cancelled and they always try to have one of the characters spin-off into another sitcom. I don’t want to be Lop’s version of “Joey” but I wouldn’t mind being “Frasier” so I guess we’ll just have to see what the Boss says, and what the people want. It’s an idea…just not sure if it’s a good or bad one. --Kahli fucking tapped! That was craziness, son! Of course it’s not like he tapped to just anybody, he did tap out to The Undertaker, but as cool as I think the triangle choke is and as much as I like seeing the WWE mix in some MMA type things, can’t help but be reminded of just how glaringly few “submission” style guys the WWE has any more. Character’s built on that sort of gimmick were always so much fun to watch but the days of Brett Hart, Kurt Angle or Chris Benoit running around threatening to make people tap-out appear to be over. Shame too. Even CM Punk doesn’t use the Anaconda Vice anymore. In fact, with the exception of Cena’s STFU (which I still have a tough time swallowing) it’s tough to name a single WWE Superstar who uses a submission finisher regularly. Bring back the Walls of Jericho. Except, do it “Lion Tamer” style. That would make me mark, hard. --Is it just me or is this year’s Survivor Series card looking pretty damned weak? I imagine I’ll still be ordering the PPV but I’m not nearly as amped about it as I typically am for the Big Four. --I’ve been watching quite a bit of TNA lately, for reasons that are still somewhat beyond me. The only logical explanation is that I truly have no social life at all these days. Seriously. Anyway, it’s nice to see that the show seems to improving at least marginally. Their backstage segments are still cheesy but at least now they’re getting funny and some of the guys they’re giving mic too can actually work a stick a little bit. Steiner’s promo on TNA was hilarious (especially when he told the interview girl to “shut up skank”) and AJ Styles is hilarious. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex Shelly not hang himself when cutting a promo for the Motor City Machine Guns as well. Of course parts of the program still make me want to disembowel a kitten such as why in the hell so many random people are thrown into matches with each other every week only to have three run-ins per match. They’re women’s division is highly entertaining to me (no, seriously) but the camera work still makes me feel like I’m watching some shitty late night television show or American Gladiators. I guess this company is just doomed to be one step forward, two steps back, but it’s nice to see them at least moving a little bit of late and not just sitting stagnant. Every Six Seconds There’s an old urban legend that “every six seconds” men think about sex. If one were to consider what men are probably thinking about on a sub-conscious level that’s probably true. If we consider only what men are thinking about consciously it’s probably much, much more often than that. You may need a moist towel for this column kiddies. Respect the author and aim away from the keyboard. So I was watching porn the other night….ok probably not the right way to start. Bah, fuck it. There are two kind of men in this world: Those who watch porn and those who lie about it. Given all of my internet hobbies I spend an inordinate amount of time online and porn as we all know is the real reason the internet was invented after all, so it’s only natural that I managed to stumble across some while browsing around the web.  Punk rock never looked so good Anyway, so I’m watching porn and something occurred to me. Have you ever noticed the similarities between the porno industry and the wrestling industry? Laugh if you must but realize that I’m at least a little serious on this one. In most fields of acting it is very taboo to stare directly at the camera-porn and wrestling actors/actresses do this frequently for a variety of reasons. Again, this is almost unheard of in other venues. The action is usually shot in with a handheld camera that moves often while filming getting a variety of angles. While television and cinema typically change camera angles every 6-12 seconds it’s not terribly uncommon for porno or wrestling to hold the same shot for 30-40 seconds (again, sometimes while the actor or actress stares directly into the lens). Both utilize similar camera angles: Wide views to hold all the action, close-ups to action to draw the audience in and make them feel closer to the action. They share a target demographic in men, 18-34. Physical appearance is key to success in at both though exceptions are upon occasion made for those who have extraordinary talent. They each have a very strong internet following to fuel their fan base. They both feature extremely cheesy dialogue and “bad acting” which is usually laughed at or shunned by non-fans, they both use weak storylines and rely on the action scenes to hold their audience and keep them coming back.  I blame Catholic grade school for my thoughts right now… There are even more similarities and they get even more alarming. Both industries are shunned by the modern media (though porn more so than wrestling) to the point that neither is covered unless something horrifically wrong happen. Both have a significantly large and very loyal fan base despite their status as “underground” or second-tier forms of entertainment. Performers in both industries have a long history of drug abuse and dying at an early age and both industries have actors or actresses that have attempted to use their chosen platform as a springboard to more legitimate acting careers. With few exceptions no one has been successful at making this jump. Spooky huh? It was that evening that the basis for this column was formed, though the idea wasn’t totally “fleshed out” (pun intended) until last Thursday evening…. Whilst watching TNA this last Thursday (substantially less fun than watching porn I might add) something occurred to me. Their Women’s (or as they call it “Knockouts”) division really is entertaining. No, like seriously. Gail Kim is a great baby face champion and unlike the Women’s division of WWE they have a variety of performers signed who don’t look exactly identical to each other. TNA seems to have been willing to give up a bit of a “T&A” appeal and go instead for women who can actually wrestle a little bit. Fine by me, in fact I think it’s awesome. That’s not to say that Gail Kim or Christy Hemme are hard on the eyes by any stretch of the imagination, but they’ve shown a willingness to use Awesome Kong and Roxie Laveoux as well, who really add depth and intrigue to the division and make it seem like TNA’s actually interested in making it a viably entertaining part of their broadcast. Kudos to them for that.  Time to make that Call WWE… I’m nearing #100 columns on this fine website (and it’s sub-site) but I don’t think I’ve ever once dedicated the main portion of my column to women’s wrestling. To be perfectly honest, I never thought it deserved it. I’ve written extensively on certain storylines that featured female performers (the Christian/Jericho/Lita/Trish storyline from a few years ago comes to mind) but never on the overall division. This is odd to me, because I’ve prided myself on writing on just about every “social issue” that I can think of and the way that issue is portrayed in the wrestling world. I’ve written on drug use, censorship, gay/lesbian rights, racism, etc but the role women play in modern wrestling never once crossed my mind as being a viable column topic. I can’t imagine why. As I said in the disclaimer atop this column, I’m sorry to any female readers who may be offended by my objectification of women in this column (If you’re male and offended….um…fuck off). Truth be told the pictures you see scattered throughout this column and the “cheap-heat” suggestive title were done in part to make a point regarding the current role women play in wrestling, but in part, they were done for exactly the reason they would seem at face-value. I as a single, heterosexual male find the vast majority of Diva’s in professional-wrestling (and thus, these pictures) to be quite appealing. Am I supposed to apologize for that? I suppose I could go on a rant about how I’m “morally offended” at the objectification of women in sports-entertainment but that would be a crock of shit and every one of my frequent readers would know that in a second. Is it sad? Sure, a little bit. Obviously I wouldn’t want my young daughter (if I had one) in a hurry to grow up and be a WWE Diva, a TNA Knockout, or pose in Playboy. Call me old fashioned but I find it hard to imagine how any father would condone such a thing willingly.  “If it wasn't for me Santion would still suck!" Then again, if it makes her happy…. After all, it’s their body isn’t it? Sure-men enjoy looking. Absolutely. If she doesn’t mind, should I? I’m reminded of a Lazy Boy song entitled “Underwear Go Inside The Pants” in which he speculates that if all the girls grow up in today’s school taught to have high self-esteem, “What the hell’s going to happen to our porno industry? It takes a lot of drunk daddies missing dance recitals before you’re willing to blow a goat on the internet for $50!” Good point.  Google says this is Melina but I don‘t think so. Oh well, this chick‘s hot, too. Yes, the WWE is objectifying women. Yes, appearance is at least 70% of the requirement for a Diva to be hired, with 25% being a willingness to engage in exploitive storylines and degrading skits and about 5% actually being wrestling ability. TNA’s statistics are somewhat more reasonable, but not much. But if the performers are willing to subject themselves to this…who am I to complain? I’m not even female for Christ’s sake, far be it for me to campaign for women’s rights. Like I said, if I had a daughter maybe I’d be concerned for her sake. But for me to consider this a “social issue” that needs examined…my head would need be first examined. I doubt very sincerely that the WWE wants anything more from it’s women’s division than it’s currently getting. Cookie cutter matches, eye candy, the occasional cameo to help get a male wrestler over. That’s it. If they wanted more, they’d have achieved it already. They’re objectifying women and in the entertainment industry one can’t help but wonder if there’s anything wrong with that. The objectification is after all, entertaining. Or is it?  The only reason to like Al Boo Boo..his sig As beautiful as these women are, no matter how many socks thirteen year old boys soil, we wrestling fans can’t help but groan every time an “Evening Gown Match” or some other such nonsense is announced. I’ll admit to bitching about such things and thinking to myself “I could be watching The Hurricane vs. Val Venis” or some other slander. It’s a lie. I always feel that way at the time and there are definitely skits/segments that the WWE or TNA put on that make me feel that way and genuinely mean it (anything Mae Young and the recently deceased Fabulous Moolah). Truth be told, I think most men can’t help but hold their breath in hope during the Jell-O wrestling contests or chocolate syrup challenges. I will say though that I very rarely, if ever, enjoyed the Diva Search.  The Nosebleed Section isn‘t so vein we can‘t appreciate a pretty face… Which is precisely why I enjoy my healthy doses of tits and ass far more if it’s coming under the cunning guise as competition. There have been times when some Women’s Championship matches have been more than “watchable” they’ve actually been damn good. Some of the storylines have actually added a reason to watch Raw (Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus from a couple years ago) and that’s exactly what TNA is hoping to accomplish I think with their new women’s division. While I appreciate the ….um…talents of SoCal Val or Extreme Expose I’d much prefer to watch Molly Holly, Victoria, Trish Stratus, Mickie James, Gail Kim and Lita (when’s I’m not worried she’s going to kill herself in there).  See, I told ya! Women have played a significant role in the history of professional wrestling from The Fabulous Moolah (RIP) to Miss Elizabeth (as evidenced that “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal hails from Elizabeth, NJ) to Sable, Chyna, Trish, and all of the modern-day Divas. The role they’ve played has been significant whether it’s as wrestlers, valets or just pure eye-candy. Our beloved past-time would not be the same without them. So again, kudos to TNA as it seems to me that they may finally be putting together a viable Women’s Wrestling Division, something that hasn’t been consistently on free TV for a long, long time. Even more kudos go to them for doing it with a sprinkling of eye candy and a strong helping of women who can actually wrestle. I appreciate that-seriously-and it adds a lot to their product which I didn’t think it would. Remember though this is the same company that debuted on weekly PPV oh so many years ago with women cage dancing along both sides of the entrance ramp (damn what a great idea that was!) Hell, even the WWE has been picking up things in their women’s division lately though they’ve been doing it with the Glamazon Beth Phoenix basically smiting anything that walks and doesn’t have a dick. Still, it’s nice to see the women used for something besides just eye candy-though we obviously appreciate that aspect of the game as well.  Then again…what‘s in a face? Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch Way to go CNN . I didn’t get to see the initial airing of your wrestling documentary like I’d hoped (boo on you for scheduling on my poker night, call and ask next time) but I’m not surprised at WWE’s allegations that you took John Cena’s comments out of context nor am I surprised that you would only air an extremely small portion of your interview with the WWE’s flag bearer. See, this puts me in quite the quandary. I loath Fox News and their bias and typically am a CNN guy (where the bias more appropriately fits my own political views) yet I find it tough to defend you on this one. Shame the media has no interest in correctly portraying or covering professional wrestling, and it’s an even bigger shame that professional wrestling has no interests in being covered legitimately as evidenced by the circus like atmosphere they create for themselves. Cannon Fodder I was somewhat saddened to hear that Alexa Jade wasn’t under TNA contract and was just a piece of fodder brought in to feed to Gail Kim. I hope that was a try-out match of sorts for her because she seemed to be a pretty decent ring worker and I enjoyed her match with Kim. She was relatively easy on the eyes as well, which as we all know by now is almost imperative to getting TV time in North American wrestling. Seriously, TNA’s Knockouts Division is almost a draw. Almost. Cheap Pop Here’s something a little different. The recent Column of the Month competition in Lop Forums ended in a tie and as a bit of a spoof, the tied competitors were encouraged to submit their best rendition of them singing “She Bang” by Ricky Martin. Eventual winner Anthrax submitted his version which has been uploaded to Project Radio’s server’s for your listening pleasure. He calls this his “Robert Goulet” spoof and encouraged me to “do whatever you want with it”. Fair enough. Click Here to Listen The guy writes a damn fine column which you can click here to read and he earned that Column of the Month win. Even without making an ass of himself, so you gotta give him props for that. The shit we columnists do to entertain you people….. Yet another column in the bank and one more closer to the epic #100. I’m not counting the Boss Report issue-that was a tribute to Foxie that I may continue in the future if readers would like to see it and if Foxie approves. Hopefully this column was enjoyable and I didn’t really offend anybody. If I did, I think you need to examine your life a bit. To be honest I find it hard, nearly impossible, how anybody could be a fan of professional wrestling and still be offended by the content of this column. I’m not shitting on the intellect or personality of any of the girls, quite simply I don’t know them just like I can’t judge the personalities of the guys. I’m not some women beating chauvinistic ass-in fact I’m quite the contrary (so if you’re single…) but I do think that the Divas and Knockouts are hardly feeling “used” or they wouldn’t be posing for these pictures. I’m not real sure what’s in store for my next column. Possibly something non-topical like as I’ve recently come up with a couple ideas I’d like to talk about or perhaps something the complete opposite and just some Survivor Series predictions. Who knows? Anyway, be sure to check out the latest Monday Night Countdown (linked below) and be sure to drop me an email (also conveniently linked below) and let me know what you think about this or any other column. Thank you everybody once again for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  www.theprojectlives.com Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Project Radio Tool, Disturbed, Metallica, System of a Down, A Perfect Circle, Chevelle, Shinedown and any one of a hundred other hard-rock acts that may entertain me at any given moment. Give it a listen, YourAyatollah commands it. (or at least he would if he’d ever listened to it and had any taste in music).  Episode 33: Hi-Fi Edition Episode 33: Low-Fi Edition --Hi-Fi Editions are slightly larger files and take longer to download but are better audio quality. Low-Fi are more dial-up user friendly. Click Here to email Monday Night Countdown www.myspace.com/mondaynightcountdown www.mondaynightcountdown.net Click the link below to subscribe to the MNC podcast using your internet browser, or simply copy/paste the link into your prefereed pod-catcher (iTunes, etc). http://www.mondaynightcountdown.net/subscribe/SubscribeMNC.rss ***DIRECT LINK*** Over 14 Total HIGH QUALITY Maria 2008 PB Photos! MUST SEE!
|
|