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Submitted by Degenerate on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 6:13 PM EST
 Ladies and Gentlemen please, would you bring your attention to me? Welcome to another edition of the column that marks out for all the recent Wrestlemania theme songs. Yeah, I still can't get Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" out of my head after about two years. As always, I'm the writer of this cool column, Degenerate, ready to make you spend your next 15 minutes in bliss. Because, you know, reading is cool and stuff. I really don't know how I managed to pull this column off, since two evils have appeared in my life and are draining all my life away from me. The first evil is Guitar Hero 3, which arrived to the U.S. this past Sunday. In the dictionary, the Guitar Hero logo should be posted next to the definition of "addiction". Never in my life have I been more addicted to a video game, and that's saying a lot considering I've been playing video games for more than 20 years. The other evil is the recent DVD release of Rey Mysterio: The Biggest Little Man. Seriously, if you're a professional wrestling fan, even if you don't find Mysterio as awesome as most of us do, you need to pick this box set up. There are almost 30 matches in the three DVDs, spreading out from Mexico, ECW, WCW and the WWE. I've sat down to watch his WCW stuff, as I never had seen most of them before. So if you're like me, you owe it to yourself to buy this set and watch his old stuff. It's simply off the hook. Let's go on the main show, shall we? Don't want to keep you all waiting. * I wasn't able to catch Cyber Sunday this weekend, thanks to "prior" engagements (read: playing Guitar Hero 3 until my fingers went numb). However, I read it was a decent event, and one I'll try to catch soon. I've always had my doubts as far as the voting goes in this event. I always had a feeling the the end results were always modified to what the WWE wants them to be in the end. But after seeing The Miz win the vote to face CM Punk for the ECW Championship, I'm convinced the votes are real. Or maybe that's what "The Man" wants people like me to think. One last thing about the event: I'm still wondering why Nintendo isn't suing the WWE for the Cyber Sunday logo. To me, the logo they used for this event looks like one of the item icons for the Metroid games. Just search for the box art of "Metroid Fusion" to see what I mean. * One event I did go to see was a local indy show this weekend in Bayamón, featuring Scott Hall. My brother was pestering me all day to go, curious to see how "The Bad Guy" was doing, so I went along with him. The show was okay, but it just shows how far these independent shows and wrestlers are from making it big. Scott Hall is actually the champ (or "Universal Champion", as the company puts it), yet he's aged a lot. I didn't know most people who wrestled. The "coliseo" (supposed "coliseum") was just a small basketball court. Hell, even Sabu was in the card, and he lost to a local! But, I have to say I had a good time, so I implore you all to catch an independent wrestling show if there is one close to you. Besides just having a good time with friends or family, you'll at least keep these companies afloat. I don't think no one gains if there's one less wrestling company for people to hone their skills. * What's with all these wrestlers coming out with auto-biographical books all of a sudden? Has the stigma of all wrestling fans being booger-eaters and dumb as dirt been shattered? Have wrestlers finally learned how to write or express themselves correctly with bona fide authors? Whatever the case, there are way too many auto-biographies coming out from wrestlers who are either still in the business, or are young enough to be in the business. The book I'm willing to read is Bret Hart's book, simply because he's been in the business for a long time. The others, I'm not willing to shell out the cash to buy the books yet. I'm guessing that Batista has an interesting story to tell, but wouldn't it be much more interesting if it was written after his career is all said and done? Same with Jericho. It's a bit too early for that. Or maybe I'm wrong, and the wrestling industry is much more exciting than I imagined. * Yet another sign of people taking a non-existent WWE/TNA competition into consideration. In December, ECW will be shown on Thursday nights, which is when TNA Impact regularly airs. So now the head-to-head showings are being touted as something to look for. Why? The only thing to look for is to see how low TNA can actually go, losing to their "competition's" third-rate show. I like TNA a lot, and usually catch the shows, which is much more than I can say about ECW on Sci-Fi. But facts are facts: TNA is not competition for the WWE yet. Maybe in the next couple of years something could flourish, but now? Dream on, WWE haters. * I have to say that Candice Michelle is officially insane in my book. Of course, seeing since it's my book, being insane is pretty much a high compliment I can pay anyone. Even though she badly botched the top-rope move that eventually led to her injury, but just trying to attempt a bump that nasty-looking in the first place is enough for me. I can feel confident saying that about 80% of the male wrestlers in the company would never attempt to do something similar. The only thing that was needed for that spot was the crowd to start chanting She's hardcore! She's hardcore! Last night I sat down to watch Monday Night Raw. Since I had been awake since 4:00 AM and running around doing all kinds of errands all day, I was really, really tired and almost fell asleep a couple of times during the show. It was partially due to not sleeping much, but also partially because the show felt like it was dragging a bit too much. Since I needed to make an important phone call at around 11:00 PM, I just kept on watching the show. I had to get up and splash some water in my face a lot of times during the second hour just to stay awake. Raw wasn't helping much in keeping me awake. After a billion backstage interviews in less than an hour, along with some "comedy relief" with Hornswoggle and The Coach, there was absolutely nothing that could've convinced me to keep on until the show was over, I could make my phone call and go to sleep for about three hours (which I'm definitely paying for now). But something weird happened. Someone came out on TV, and my gears started turning in my head. I saw the future of the WWE. I saw Santino Marella. Okay, if you have stopped laughing for a couple of minutes, you all need to refocus and hear me out. At first I was skeptical myself. I couldn't believe I was actually saying that this rookie with about 6 months of WWE experience to be the future. There are obviously others way ahead of him with the "Future of the Business" tag on them. Kennedy, Carlito, Lashley - These are people who have already made an impact in their respective brands already for the past year, and have been touted as the great superstars of the future, headlining multiple Wrestlemanias and winning lots and lots of gold. They have the experience that Marella doesn't have, and they have proven in past situations that they can carry a good match or segment on their own. What does this Italian wannabe have that the others don't? Let's hop into a time machine to get my answer. Or just get some old VHS tapes of Raw from the past, whichever is easiest for you. Destination? 1996. Whoa, you went way too far back. Skip past the snobbish version of Hunter Hearst Helmsley battling Duke "The Dumpster" Droese at the beginning of the year, and past the debut of "Marvelous" Marc Mero after Wrestlemania XII. If you want, you can stop and watch a few minutes of the smokin' hot Sunny. I don't blame you for that. Oh, if you want to sit back for half an hour, feel free to watch Shawn Michaels battle Mankind in July of that year. Five-Star match for sure. Keep on going past Justin Hawk Bradshaw, The New Rockers and The Body Donnas (except those times when Sunny is on the screen). There, you arrived in November 1996, just where I wanted to. What do we see here? Oh, that's Stone Cold Steve Austin, mere months after his stint as The Ringmaster. People don't seem to dig him much, do they? He's getting boos, but nothing any decent heel can get out of the crowd. Let's just listen to him for a while. "Pink tights? What the hell is that all about, Bret? This ain’t no ballet class! Sunglasses and sparklers? What a load of crap! So Bret, you're coming back...to continue a legacy? UH-UH! Stone Cold's gonna make your comeback a living hell! So you can start begging for some mercy right now... You will beg for mercy... You're not going to find it! I think you're completely pathetic! You're the 'Best there Is, Was and Ever Will Be'? Whatever! Son, you're looking at the best there is - Austin 3:16 Rules! I will kick your pink-and-black ass all over the Garden! I'm gonna end your legacy... You will beg for mercy... At Madison Square Garden." Hmm... So here we have an up-and-coming superstar in Stone Cold, calling out a virtual legend in Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Pretty simple formula, right? Let's get back to the present day, specifically these past couple of weeks in Raw. We have Santino Marella, an up-and-coming superstar, calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin, a virtual legend. Pretty similar, don't you think? It's the exact same formula used 11 years ago. Now the tables have turned, and the previous up-and-coming superstar is the legend. We all know the history behind Stone Cold's feud with Bret Hart. Bret Hart had been away from the company since his WWE Championship loss to Shawn Michaels in Wrestlemania XII. Stone Cold started to goad him back into action. This, of course, started a feud that rolled on into 1997. Thanks to this feud, Stone Cold's popularity skyrocketed into heights never seen since Hulk Hogan back in the 80's. It's obviously way too early to determine if Marella can follow this path. But I had a premonition that he will.Why so much faith in Santino Marella? Besides the obvious parallels in storylines as the awesome Stone Cold Steve Austin, I actually see that Marella has so much more going for him right now than Stone Cold at about the same point in his WWE career. Here are just some of the things that Santino Marella has over Stone Cold Steve Austin: He held gold quicker: I don't care that Santino Marella won the Intercontinental Championship thanks to some major help by Bobby Lashley. The fact is Santino Marella won a championship belt in his very first day in the WWE. Not too many people can say they accomplished that feat, especially none of the greatest superstars in professional wrestling history. Not Hulk Hogan. Not Shawn Michaels, Not The Rock. Not Kurt Angle. And especially not Stone Cold Steve Austin. How long did Austin have to wait to hold some gold in the WWE? Almost a year and a half since his 1996 debut. Even then it wasn't a solo title - he won the WWE Tag Team Championships with the great Shawn Michaels in May 1997. Before you begin slinging the hate mail my way, just know that the Million Dollar Championship is not a real championship belt. He had the more beautiful valet: Although Stone Cold never had a valet in the WWE, he did have one in WCW, named Lady Blossom. You might know her as the first ex-wife of Austin, playa that he is. While she was a looker in her own right, she's a dog (in my opinion - please don't kill me, Jeannie) compared to the lovely Maria, who's currently by Marella's side. Stone Cold might not have won the battle of looks, but he does have an edge over Marella due to him being able to bang his valet whenever he (or she?) wanted, seeing that they were, like, married and stuff. But what's this? Maria broke up recently with CM Punk? Marella, now's your chance to one-up Austin yet again! He's from a cooler place: Let's say two different people meet this sexy chick one night on the town. Who do you think she would go for, a bald, drunken redneck from Victoria, Texas who would most likely intoxicated by 8:00 PM and who's best pickup line would be "Hey baby, wanna ride in my pickup?", or the suave, good-looking Italian from Calabria, Italy (no shit!) and who could sweep any woman off her feet with a kick-ass line like "Mi bellisima" in his awesome Italian accent? No contest here. Oh, and before those flames start arriving again by E-Mail, I know he's not really Italian. Hell, he was a Russian before he was ever Italian! He has the sweetest tattoos: Having your home state with a skull tattooed on your body? Lame. You don't see me with a tattoo of Puerto Rico anywhere in my body. Marella, on the other hand, has an extremely awesome Lion in his entire back, winged angels in his right arm, Japanese symbols in his left arm (probably saying how much more awesome than Stone Cold he is), a dragon in his forearm, and Conan the Barbarian in his chest. Seriously, how can you have Conan the fucking Barbarian tattooed on your chest and not be awesome? It's just impossible. In fact, if Marella never reaches Stone Cold-esque heights, you can blame Triple H for being jealous of not thinking of a Conan the Barbarian tattoo first. I hope by now you have seen the future, just like I did last night. If everything goes according to plan, we'll be seeing Marella bringing Stone Cold out of retirement, having a very awesome match in Wrestlemania XXIV that will change his career (hope it's not an "I Quit" match), and go on to headline Wrestlemania XXV against The Undertaker, being the first person to beat him after going 16-0 and sending him to retirement. While you all jump on the Italian's bandwagon by then, I'll already have a front-row seat, never doubting Marella's greatness since October 29, 2007. Because that's-a the real bottom line because Santino Marella say it be so. I really, really hope I don't get any hate mail by people thinking that the above column was 100% serious. I like Santino (or at least like to hate his guts), but of course it's impossible to say, probably even think, that he could be the next greatest superstar. Only time will tell, of course. Before I wrap this one up, let's give some kick-ass plugs for the cool peeps of the Columns Forum. There's a lot of cool stuff to read, so I suggest you take in a few more minutes to check them out. Best Diva Ever: The Candice Michelle Story By Uncle Joe As I mentioned in the beginning of this column, poor ol' Candice Michelle will be out for a while after his insane bump last week. If you're missing her already, have no fear. Uncle Joe has your back, writing a column explaining why she's the best damn Diva ever. Best of all, it's about as serious as my Santino Marella column. The Superfiles!--edition 15.0: Halloween Havoc By SUPERFAN! Halloween happens once a year, the only time when you can dress up as something over-the-top, walk the streets, scare the shit out of little kids and even get some candy as a bonus, all without getting arrested for disorderly conduct. So before you go out trick-or-treating, make sure to the superhero-like SUPERFAN!'s column that pays homage to a rarely-remembered casuality of the Monday Night Wars: WCW's old Pay-Per-View series Halloween Havoc. All About the Game: The AATG <500 Part 2 By YourAyatollah A cool look back at the top wrestlers (at least in former Main Pager YourAyatollah's eyes) of this past year. The picks are solid and the reasoning why each one was ranked was even more solid, so you owe it to yourself to read and most likely agree with this column. It's not like Steven Richards was the #1 wrestler in this list... Well, that's about it for this one. I'm all Marella'd out. Hope you guys got a kick out of that one. As usual, you can catch me via E-Mail at dennmart@gmail.com, or direct all your attention and energy top my feedback thread. All comments are welcome, encouraged and eventually answered. Hopefully I'll be back next Tuesday, but that all depends if I survive this weekend, since it's my awesome birthday! Anyone living in Puerto Rico reading this, you're more than welcome to swing by the north side and buy me a beer as a gift. 'Til next time, Degenerate ***DIRECT LINK*** Over 14 Total HIGH QUALITY Maria 2008 PB Photos! MUST SEE!
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