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Submitted by Sheepster on Monday, October 22, 2007 at 6:37 PM EST
 Evenin’ folks. Welcome back to the column that doesn’t say “welcome back to the column that…”. First off, I’d like to shamelessly advertise a little get-together that some people are having at the end of March next year. Deep in the magical forums of this wonderful site, there’s a thread in the Wrestling forum called “1st Annual LoPForums Wrestlemania/RoH Weekend Event”. There are about 10-15 people who are posting in that thread that are planning on heading to Orlando, Florida that weekend. When they all get there, they’ll be watching Wrestlemania, the Hall of Fame ceremony, Raw, Smackdown, some RoH shows and maybe a TNA taping as well. In between the events, there’s talk of other funky get-togethers happening. It’s not like a big package holiday where they’ll be with each other 24/7, but there are a number of groups heading out there. So, if you’re heading to Orlando next March, there’ll be friendly people to hang about with most of the time. Drop into the thread and let us know you’re coming. The more the merrier. And the best news? If I can get a Wrestlemania ticket, I’ll be jumping across the pond to join y’all. Other main pagers rumoured to be going include LOP’s own brilliant Bay Area brothers, Al Boo Boo and Zuma. Talking of those two, they just went to WrestleFanFest 2007 this past weekend. It sounds like they had one helluva time, despite the many problems the promoters had. Read all about it in Zuma’s next column coming up in a few days.  I’m disappointed, folks. I have been since back when Cyber Sunday was called Taboo Tuesday. It’s always a meagre affair. They don’t really give us any power at all, and this year’s poster tells me that there’s no sign of us getting any more power any time soon.  See that? That’s a mousetrap. They’ve blatantly put a mousetrap on the poster for Cyber Sunday. You may think that’s just a joke because they’ve got 6 computer “mice” on the desk, but what does that even have to do with voting or even wrestling? It’s actually a subtle statement to us fans. We’re the mice and they’re the cat. The voting stipulations are the cheese and this PPV is one giant mousetrap. And what do you put on a mousetrap? A nice slice of brie? A fine cut of bufala mozzarella? Hell no. You use the cheapest chunk of cheese you can find. And we’re all going to bite on this cheese that they give us once a year, and as usual, we’re going to get caught up in the mousetrap. We get to think that we’ve changed the course of WWE history, and they get our time and money. And they get to stick to the course they’ve always been on. As I said, the decisions we get to make are the equivalent of cheap and nasty, 3-week-old cheddar. Decisions like Randy Orton’s opponent for this Sunday. We can choose from Jeff “Human Frisbee” Hardy, Mr Kennedy and the biggest fan favourite of the 1990s, Shawn Michaels. Hmm. I wonder who’s going to win. I’ve created 17 different e-mail addresses to vote for the Human Frisbee, but Shawn Michaels is still going to win in a landslide. If this is going to happen every year, I demand change. If they want this PPV show to be truly interactive, put everything up for the vote. And if they did… it might go a li’l something like this. Sheepster Presents: Cyber Sunday! When starting from scratch, we first need a name for the show. Then we can build around that. “But we already have a name”, I hear you cry. Not on my watch, we don’t. This is TOTALLY interactive, so we get to vote on everything. Now, these were the best computer-linked names I could come up with in the space of 30 seconds. Down the side of your computer chair, you should find a remote control with 8 buttons on it. Pick it up and press your button now. Taboo Tuesday - 1% Cyber Sunday - 2% Matrix Monday - 17% CPU: Central Punishment Unit – 29% DualCore: Twice as good as Hardcore – 51%… Sheepster Presents: DualCore! Ha. Well done, guys. That’s an awesome name for our show. Now, let’s begin. And remember, this is FULLY INTERACTIVE. Every single aspect of this PPV show has been voted on by you, the WWE.com fans. The pyros explode as we see the arena filled with zombies and witches. Everyone got to vote on a theme for the audience. ‘Hallowe’en fancy dress’ won out over ‘toga party’ and ‘vicars and tarts’. The pyros themselves are black. That seems to be the colour of choice among WWE.com voters. Jerry Lawler welcomes us to DualCore as he was chosen to be the play-by-play announcer. The novelty option won out over the other colour commentators as Hornswaggle laughs manically in between every sentence. As the camera views the commentary table, we see Hornswaggle spinning endlessly in his rotating commentator’s chair. He steals Lawler’s crown and puts it on his own head as he begins to chew the table. Match #1: Matt Hardy vs. MVP: Hell In A Cell Who’d have thought it, eh? Hell In A Cell chosen over all other match types? Anywho, Matt Hardy and Montel Vontavious Porter both come down to the ring while the cell is lowered over the ring. The ring itself is looking quite colourful this evening. The ring ropes are yellow, green and orange. The canvas is purple and the ring apron is fluorescent hot pink. Stone Cold Steve Austin (the referee for the match) is dressed in full Civil War regalia, strictly adhering to the fan-voted referee dress code for the night. After 15 minutes of back and fore action, Steve Austin stuns both wrestlers, ending the match in a double knockout. He climbs each turnbuckle and salutes the crowd with a drink while the cage is raised up to the rafters. Winner: N/A Match #2: Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay: Hell In A Cell Yep. Another Hell In A Cell match. And Steve Austin is the referee again. This is pretty much a repeat of the previous match. Austin again climbs each turnbuckle and salutes the crowd with a drink while the cage is raised up to the rafters. Winner: N/A Match #3: CM Punk vs. John Cena: ECW Title Match You’ll notice that John Cena is not one of the three people who were on the original ballot. That’s because in my world, you get to choose everything, and you get ALL the options. That’s what “fully interactive” should mean. And so, the WWE.com crowd have voted for the inactive John Cena to battle CM Punk for the ECW World title. Cena comes down to the ring, clutching his shoulder as it pangs in agony with each passing step. He rolls into the ring and stands up gingerly to face Punk. Punk doesn’t seem to happy with wrestling a crippled man, but luckily the referee is on hand to help him out. Steve Austin has again been voted as referee for this match. He tells Punk to wrestle or get out of the ring. Punk is still apprehensive. He gives him a 5-count. Five. WHAT! Four. WHAT! Three. WHAT! Two. WHAT! One. WHAT! Punk just can’t do it. Austin asks for the bell to be rung. As soon as the bell rings, he hits Punk with a stunner. John Cena giggles and looks at the crowd with that smirk that he does so well. Austin doesn’t take too kindly to the smirk and stuns Cena for the heck of it. He drags Cena’s lifeless body on top of Punk’s lifeless body and makes the 3-count while laughing hysterically. Austin now climbs each turnbuckle with increasing difficulty and salutes the crowd with a drink while the bodies are removed. He nearly falls backwards off the last turnbuckle, but Tony Chimel makes the save just in time. Winner: New ECW World champion, John Cena. Match #4: Triple H vs. Umage: Winner Takes Nose That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. In a world first, WWE.com fans have voted for a Winner Takes Nose match. The rules are simple. You fight until you win. If you lose, you get your nose shaved off. The bell rings and the two wrestling behemoths go at it. They put on a technical masterpiece for 20 minutes. The only thing that interrupts the perfect flow of the match is the nominated referee for the match… Steve Austin. He’s sat on a chair outside the ring, drinking can after can. Every time he finishes a beer, he throws the empty can into the ring. At one point, he managed to hit Umaga’s outstretched thumb. Austin found this hilarious. Finally, Triple H nails Umaga with the pedigree onto a chair. As soon as he stands up to roar to the crowd, Austin rolls into the ring and stuns him. Just for a laugh, he pulls Umaga on top of Triple H and counts to three as well as he can. He slaps the mat 7 times before he gets to 3. As per the fans’ instructions, Tony Chimel gets a pair of pliers and snips Triple H’s nose clean off his face. Austin finds the prospect of a noseless Triple H to be side-splittingly amusing.  Winner: Umaga. Match #5: Batista vs. Undertaker: World Heavyweight Title Surprisingly, the fans went with the original choices of the Undertaker as the opponent and Steve Austin as the referee. The match goes off without incident until Austin gets a drunken flashback about 12 minutes in. He now believes himself to be back in the main event of Fully Loaded in 1999, right in the middle of a feud with the Undertaker. Due to the “First Blood” stipulation of that main event, he begins to smash everything he can into Undertaker’s skull. The nearest thing to hand is an empty beer can. After the 17th crush, Austin finally sees blood. He declares himself (and thus Batista) the winner of the match. Winner: Still World Heavyweight champion, Dave “the Chimp” Batista. Match #6: Randy Orton vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin: WWE Heavyweight Title For the first time in wrestling history, the referee is also a participant in the match. Lawler does the best job he can of building up this epic match. Hornswaggle has not worked out as well as Lawler hoped. Randy Orton takes 5 minutes to saunter to the ring as if the world owed him everything. Steve Austin takes the same 5 minutes to figure out how the ring steps work before he must do battle with the ultra-confusing ring ropes. Finally, the stage is set as they both walk to the centre of the ring. As the two stand nose to nose, Austin rears back. Before Orton has a chance to react, Austin lets out an almighty belch. Time suddenly slows down for the champion. He starts to see stars as the sheer smell of the drunken breath penetrates Orton’s brain. His mind is still fully functional, but his body instantly becomes drunker than a sailor on shore leave. As he collapses to the canvas in a heap, his mind screams for help. Austin laughs as he puts his foot on Orton’s chest and counts to three. As Austin stumbles about with the belt on his shoulder, cheering the crowd with a drink, Randy Orton cries on the inside. Winner: New WWE Heavyweight champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Be Careful What You Wish For Now, wasn’t that the most awesome PPV show you’ve ever heard of?! My particular favourite match was the Winner Takes Nose match. What was yours? I firmly believe that Cyber Sunday will be dire when compared to this super-show I put on for you guys. I hope someone from WWE HQ is out there reading this and realises what a trick they’re missing. Giving the fans a little bit of power every now and again is all right, I suppose. But just imagine what would happen if they had complete control? We could change the world for the better. It’s obvious to me that Vince McMahon has no clue what he’s doing. If he did… he wouldn’t be asking us for help this Sunday.  Before we wrap things up here, I’d like to thank Mr Bob Dylan for such a catchy episode title. I’m also going to throw a few links out. This website has a message board attached to it, and that board has a Columns Forum where all us main page columnists are born. I’ve been given the honour of entertaining you guys here, so it’s only fair that I send a bit of traffic to the forum that helped me hone my craft: First up, The Inner Bubble #14 as written by Couch Potato. I call him Zeke. Zeke’s done a good job to get to where he is now, and he’s improving all the time. As one of the feedbackers says, it’s a slightly DaveyBoy-esque column, but that’s certainly no bad thing, is it? Next, Inside The Mind II: Why the BWO can save the WWE is the second-ever column from my fellow countryman, anonymous. He makes a decent argument, and most of the feedbackers seem to agree with his plan for the BWO. And finally, a blast from the past. YourAyatollah is back in action. He’s just been promoted to moderator of the fine Columns forum and graces us with a column, all in one week! Check out All About the Game: The AATG <500 Part 1. Part 2 to follow shortly, I guess… Now I’ll shut up and let you read those other fine people. If you’d like to contact me for any reason, reach me at the UTF Mailbox: underthefleece@yahoo.co.uk. Everything should be labelled something like “Feedback” or my spam-filter tries to eat it. You can also drop in to my Feedback thread in the Feedback forum of LOP, if the feeling takes you. It’s a lonely place and the cobwebs are mounting up, so arm yourself with a feather duster. Give it a good clean while you’re there. Have a good week, everyone. This is Under the Fleece… over and out. DISCLAIMER: This article has been created using nothing more than random ideas and less-than-reliable foresight, and any conclusions reached in this column are purely for entertainment purposes. No purchase necessary. Your statutory rights are not affected. *NEW GALLERY* MUST SEE! Very Rare Photos of KAREN ANGLE Over the Years!
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