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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, October 20, 2007 at 3:59 PM EST
This week: - The Boss Report returns to say goodbye to the gracious nation that supported it, a War on Terror, Chris Benoit and TNA….which was the most erroneous decision I’ll leave you to decide. - Bears suck….and for that matter so does everything else in Canada. - HGH has a bad rap with the general public and those who’re using it legally for very serious medical conditions are suffering as a result. Wine is fine but whiskey’s quicker, so have a drink on me. This is The Boss Report.  Welcome to the Report, heroes. Some four plus months since I last graced the hallowed pages of Lords of Pain and my has it been too long! It was quite gracious of Lord Calvin, webmaster of this fine web space, to hold my spot open for so long in lieu of my little sabbatical. Sadly, I was forced to resign from the main page after my extended hiatus turned more painful than an episode of TNA Impact. See Nation, I’d initially taken some time away from the world of professional writing (and thus my staggeringly engaging columns) to spend some time recharging my batteries. What some of you may, but most of you don’t know, is that besides being a virtual poet of wrestling vernacular I’m also an avid writer of non-wrestling topics. I’d decided back in May of this year to take a vacation of sorts in order to focus on my more ambitious if slightly delusional visions of grandeur. So in almost Mick Foley-esque fashion (sans crayons) I packed up my writing materials, abandoned the internet (and all those I hold dear) and headed on a summer camping trip….to Canada. Now, I know what you’re thinking Nation. Why would a proud patriot like myself risk life, limb and personal decency by venturing into the Great White North? Furthermore, why would a known proponent of the indoors spend more time than absolutely necessary outdoors? I was tricked. By a witch. My sister in truth (a devilishly attractive women if I may say so without appearing to be from Arkansas) invited me to a small summer cottage she owns there and filled my head with lies about how the rustic scenery and wild, untamed nature straight out of a Robert Frost poem would enchant my brain and kick start the old creative juices that I’d been lacking for oh so long. One horrific evening, and I wish I were making this part up heroes, I was camping outdoors in some godforsaken Canadian forest when my camp ground was attacked by a giant beast. A true to life Canadian Black Bear had began ravaging our tents in search of food. Rest assured Nation that me and the proud few in my party escaped alive though I did sustain major damage to my right arm, which rendered me virtually unable to write for the last two months as it’s quite difficult to work a keyboard with one hand. Upon returning home to rehabilitate my injuries I’d simply lost the zeal for writing that made The Boss Report what it is: An honest tie for best wrestling column on the whole internet behind that Random fellow and his Nosebleed Section who so graciously allowed me the opportunity to say farewell to you today. The wrestling world just didn’t appeal to me as it once had with even the almighty Vince McMahon and his fantastic WWE now seeming as if they’d been taken over by the zombies running amok in TNA. Meanwhile TNA’s product still features the vile screaming of Don West and compels me to purchase electric steak knives and the program itself strikes me as something of a cross between an awful YouTube and the old American Gladiators TV show. Speaking of, how wonderful it is that true American Icon, Hulk Hogan, will be hosting NBC’s launch of American Gladiators later this fall. That, Nation, is so uplifting that I tip my cap to the Hulkster which leads to the beginning of the end for the Report and this episode’s…   A tip of the hat to Hulk Hogan for landing the gig as the new host of NBC’s recreation of the 80’s sensation “American Gladiators”. Sure the boys over at Monday Night Countdown don’t appreciate him but they’ve just lost touch with their “inner Hulkamaniac” that the rest of us cling to like Ric Flair clings to Triple H. The fact is that the “orange skinned skullet monkey” as they love to put it is still every bit as entertaining as he ever was and there is nobody better to host a show an outdated show featuring cheesy gimmicks, inflated egos and even more inflated muscles. But my how I do find myself longing for the ripped chest of Nitro…I mean…NO! What am I saying? [insert something about Jessica Alba!] A very stern wag of the finger to Chris Benoit for pulling the move that we all thought Vince would pull first. Parody aside, even I have a tough time justifying this guy’s actions. Seriously, smothering his wife with a pillow? Strangling his own son? Hanging himself? Texting Chavo Guerrero? Any decent man would have carved up the women’s body to make it easier to hide, sent his son off to die for his country, and made like the WWE Creative Team and deleted the number of Chavo Guerrero. Perhaps if he’d just done those things Chris wouldn’t have lost his mind and saw fit to kill himself. Then he’d still be with us…jobbing to Big Daddy V on Tuesday nights. Yet another finger wag certainly must go to Booker T and Ric Flair for taking their ball and going home. Sure, it was nice to see “someone like Booker” achieve a reasonably high level of success and he was truly a pillar of hope for his “people”. But was it really any big surprise that he failed a second drug test? You do know that he’d done jail time before right? Real jail time-in a prison. That’s just not fit for WWE television nation, and neither is that spoiled little child Ric Flair. Ric was lucky to have the spot on the card that he had and how dare he challenge that role and spit in the face of the WWE!? Ric was nothing without Vince McMahon and he’ll be nothing again without the genetic jackhammer. For shame, boys. A tip of the hat to TNA which finally seems to be doing something worth the second hour of programming they so graciously were granted by Spike TV. Seems they’ve began talks with David Arquette and are considering an angle to bring in the former WCW World Champion. YES! A handsome piece of man-meat is that Arquette and I for one think that David Hasselhoff be contacted, stat, about forming a formidable tag-team. Bring in Elton John (or Johnny Fairplay) to manage and I’ll be breaking my neck trying to….JESSICA ALBA! JESSICA ALBA! A wag of my red, white, and blue (and entirely heterosexual) finger to the Sci-F network. which rumor has it is considering immediately dropping ECW from their lineup and thus relegating the EXTREMEly popular show to WWE.com. While I visit WWE.com at least ten-fifteen times a day, I can’t imagine a world in which I can’t watch The Miz, Big Daddy V, Extreme Expose or Mike Knox on my ridiculously expensive 52-inch plasma screen with surround sound. How will we ever find out what happens between Kelly Kelly and Balls Mahoney? It was one thing when that tumor of a promotion known as the “original” ECW went under, but the show has been nothing short of Emmy worthy since A tip of the hat to Dave Batista who once again displayed at No Mercy why he’s the best mat professional wrestler on the planet. Not only did he manage to make four minutes of waiting on doors to close look like Flair/Steamboat but his style meshed beautifully with that of fellow mat technician The Great Kahli to put on one of the all time greatest displays the industry has ever seen. And all of that before the biggest spot in wrestling history! Proving yet again that it’s not a bad thing to be a few millennia behind everybody else on the evolutionary scale, Batista made like the agile ape that he is and LEAPT from one cage to another, in a distance that had to be at least three or four feet! So what if he could damn near reach the next cage from his perch safely on the first, his catlike agility and grace allowed him to swiftly scoot past Kahli who seemed to have forgotten that his seven foot frame was merely three feet from the floor. Batista is true American Hero and if you don’t believe that Nation, the terrorists have already won. A wag of the finger to John Cena. John, I thought you were super. I truly did. You’d acquired the Herculean physique naturally without the use of “performance enhancers” and we’d seen you over come giant Samoans, giant Indians, and a giant case of “people freaking hate you” all to fall victim to what? A lowly torn pectoral muscle? What’s the problem John, you’ve got another one! The man who’d survived more abuse than the average TNA fan somehow ran out of invincible juice. Who knew his Achilles’ heel would turn out to be a boob? A tip of the hat to Hornswoggle McMahon who seems to have won the genetic lottery. So what if all this does is ensure that what could have been the greatest rub in wrestling history goes to a midget who’s chasing the almighty midget dream…job security. What this did heroes was ensure that that brilliant rub stayed away from some no talent hack who would have surely squandered like a Mr. Kennedy. Who needs that hack when we’ve got the timeless humor of an Englishmen and a black man in power chasing a midget in hopes of tying him up or putting him up for adoption? A wag of the finger to CM Punk who’s selfish attitude and horrid work rate have all but doomed the fate of ECW on Sci-Fi. Years from now we’ll look back on this title reign Nation as the reign that doomed the greatest program in the history of sports-entertainment. It’s bad enough that his “so-called straight edge” character contradicts himself by shameless selling his own flesh like a prostitute-his client Pepsi-who’ve seemed to have branded the man that the almighty Vince deemed worthy of holding the belt until John Morrison returned from vacation. For shame, Punk. For shame. A tip of the hat to Candice Michelle who recently saw her first reign as Women’s champion come to end. Candice’s improved ring work is so astounding it sheds a small ray of hope into the talent less hole that is Mr. Kennedy, The Hardy Boys, MVP, Randy Orton and TNA. Her almost broomstick like physique is a perfect role model for bulimia and anorexia sufferers everywhere, and it’s nice to see a hardworking, down to earth girl like that get a run in the sun instead of these no talent hacks like Mickie James, Victoria or Melina. I know what the Nation wants to see and it’s not the gelatinous backsides of these broads performing the same sorry set of moves over and over….it’s the glorious 98lbs of Candice Michelle setting the stage on fire with the greatest wheel kick finisher in the history of the game. And last but not least a wag of the finger to Matt Hyson aka Spike Dudley. Some months ago a respected Lop Columnist named RipBossman posted a very legitimate and well done interview with Mr. Hyson. I took it upon myself to poke a bit of fun at that, Mr. Hyson reacted negatively towards myself, RipBossman and Lop as a whole and I shortly there after apologized.What a mistake. I’ve now had time (whilst recovering from the bear attack and reflecting upon my life) to come to the conclusion that Mr. Hyson was more than likely a bitter, out of work performer who can’t take a joke and/or isn’t intelligent enough to appreciate the parody I put forth. I’m sorry for your life’s shortcomings Mr. Hyson and I think you’re a splendid performer at times-we here at Lords of Pain have nothing but respect and admiration for you and all other sports-entertainers. But on that occasion you represented yourself as something of a whiner who wears his heart on his sleeve. Sorry you were offended Mr. Hyson-but you misunderstood me and need to learn to take a joke. And speaking of misunderstood heroes, it’s time for the second part of our show. As a sort of “special edition” for this, the final Boss Report, I’ve decided to include my other extremely popular segment….which brings us to this week’s word.  H.G.H or for those of you who're acronymically challenged "Human Growth Hormone". The stuff seems to have taken the athletic world by storm thanks in large part to its ability to enhance one's physical prowess by adding strength, endurance, muscle mass and increasing ones ability to recover from injury. (Watch as Cena comes back by Survivor Series.) Furthermore, much to the delight of those who use the drug illegally, it is said to be undetectable by tests . (Much like Batista's IQ.) Because of the seemingly endless positive effects and the fact that it's almost impossible to get caught (Just ask Trips) HGH has been hailed as the "the next big thing" in modern drug abuse. (Because THAT tagline has been so effective in the past.) The drug itself has turned up in virtually every circle where physical appearance or performance matter (hello porno industry!) and at this time the drug is believed to be in use by an estimated 15-20% of professional athletes. (And 90% of the WWE locker-room.) Now it's easy to see why professional athletes would use the drug. (Right Barry?) But why would such a drug creep its way into our beloved wrestling arenas? (Because Vince loves him a hoss.) Sure the work schedule is tough and an impressive physique is useful in getting ahead in the industry (not as useful as giving head) but is there really any reason to believe it's a problem in the wrestling industry? (See: Chris Masters.) And what about the women? HGH has been linked to a number of celebrities as a result of it's seemingly miraculous age defying effects. (I knew Torrie Wilson had been on TV a long time!) Is it possible our beloved WWE Diva's could be next? (Not sure..ask the "Glamazon".) I say that HGH has developed a bad rap. (It's hot 'cause it's fly.) Sure there are side effects but they're worth the risks given the tremendous upside, right? (Sure. How bad can heart disease really be?) It's simply not fair to judge the performers we watch day in and day out as if they're toothless, suicidal, family killing maniacs! (Ok.bad example). There are plenty of legitimate uses for HGH and until proven otherwise I'm willing to give respected professionals the benefit of the doubt. (Kahli looks like he suffers from Dwarfism doesn't he?) Who knows what sort of traumatic events have unfolded in these people's lives that could provide a very real and very necessary need for an HGH prescription. (Burn victims usually have more noticeable scarring.) I say that the WWE maintain their current Wellness Policy until a proven test for HGH exists. (Then they ignore that, too.) Furthermore, I think Congress should consider legalizing HGH as long as the proven side-effects remain minimal. (What the hell is papilloedema anyway?) Congress should have a little faith in the WWE and trust that they know what's best for their performers and for their fans. (Big Daddy V!) IN FACT, Congress should consider how they could put such a wonderful drug to use themselves! (Look out Iran! Super-soldiers on the way!) HGH may not be the wonder drug that so many people have claimed it to be but there is little doubt in the Boss Report's mind that any one of us would take our chances with it's tremendous upside and minimal side-effects given the right opportunity. (23 of 25 months as WWE champion?) And that's the word. And thus heroes ends The Boss Report for the last time. As I said in my final column here before heading north for the summer the wrestling world just wasn’t interesting me then and to be perfectly honest it’s just not doing much for me now. Sure there are a few high spots here and there and any life long wrestling fan will always be able to tune in and see something that interests them, but for the most part it’s just not worth waiting through 1:50 minutes of total crap to get to a ten-minute segment that may or may not be “teh sukc”. I felt that way before my sabbatical and if there’s one thing I learned from taking four months away from the internet, away from professional wrestling, and being mauled by a black bear and spending six weeks in recovery it’s that my life is richer without the internet, without professional wrestling, and without bears. I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank a few kind individuals who’ve helped The Boss Report become one of the most misunderstood columns on the internet. First and foremost, I have to thank Calvin Martin, webmaster of Lop who allowed me to write for his site not once, but twice. Big ups to the “Nation” and all of the “heroes” who helped make this column so much fun to write even when wrestling looked like visual cancer. Much love to all the columnists I wrote with over the years-you guys always have and always will continue to bring joy to my life, even if you do write about wrestling, call me gay or make fun of my “hot” sister. Last but not least a special thanks to Randomguy#5 for posting this and who, along with my main motherfucker YourAyatollah, almost single handedly talked me out of retirement the last time and will no doubt try in vain to do it again. If you have any final pieces of email you’d like to send my way, you can do so at bossfoxx@gmail.com I can’t promise that you’ll hear back as again, I’m not online much anymore but I promise it will all be read and appreciated at some point. And on that note, I hereby turn in my IWC Membership card and bid thee all a fond farewell. Thanks for everything over the years and I leave you with this, my final moments of zen….  The Report tried to tell Dixie that Junior Fatu in the X-Division wasn’t a good idea.  WWE Films’ next project… “Brokeback Mountain II: Pro-Wrestling‘s Gay” starring Jimmie Wang Yang *NEW GALLERY* Over 14 Total HIGH QUALITY Maria 2008 PB Photos! MUST SEE!
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