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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, September 29, 2007 at 7:24 PM EST
Chicken Little on Steroids Welcome back everybody to the column that still fears for the life of Cody Rhods The Nosebleed Section. I am your host, The One Called Random and if I were young Cody I’d run screaming into the night hoping Cancer descends upon me and saves me from could be any number of brutal beatings at the hands of Bob Holly before a unsuccessful and disgustingly boring tag program. Seriously, if there’s any performer whom I enjoy less than Mark Henry, it just might be Bob Freakin Holly. That guy makes “Hamburger grilling in Worcestershire Sauce” look like the main event of Wrestlemania. I hope you can all forgive me but I think I’m going to try something a little different for this column. I’m going to drop the Arbitrary Observations and Awards sections from today’s column. I’m doing this for two reasons: 1) This column is already plenty long enough, as long as my normal columns which are usually longer than the vast majority of other columnists. 2) I’ve tied about a thousand different topics and observations into the main piece of this column and I’m worried that anything else I’d try and squeeze in would be forced and just come off as filler. Typically I like my format as it allows me plenty of room to maneuver and talk about everything under the sun in one column, but for today, I think it would take away from the main point of the piece. Like I said, I’m doing some different things with this piece so hopefully you all enjoy it. It’s either gonna come off as creative and interesting or “trying too hard” as some put it upon occasion. Either way, it was fun to write and piece together, so hopefully you’ll enjoy it. One day Chicken Little was walking in the woods when --KERPLUNK -- an acorn fell on her head "Oh my goodness!" said Chicken Little. "The sky is falling! I must go and tell the king." A couple friends of mine who used to be regular viewers of WWE programming came over for a poker game about a month ago. They were joined by myself, obviously still a WWE and sports-entertainment junkie and another mutual friend who is a casual fan but nowhere near the level he once was. Both of the “former” fans still hold an interest in the product. They enjoy watching me rant about it, and one of them regularly downloads Monday Night Countdown, at least as regularly as one can download an irregular show. So it was with completely genuine interest and blissful ignorance that one of them asked me innocently “So what’s going on in the wrestling world these days?” I drew in a deep breath before exchanging worried looks with the casual wrestling fan (some of you know him as Roommate Shropy). I looked to Shrop for guidance as he sighed and said in his monotone manner “Well….” as if he were getting ready to deliver a eulogy. I cut him off and looked at the former fans and said very bluntly…”The sky is falling” Brian “Crush“ Adams died of an accidental overdose Breaking News: WWE announces it has suspended ten wrestlers Top stars listed as patients of Signature Pharmacy I don’t know really how summarize my feelings at the time. A second ago I referenced “Monday Night Countdown” a pod-cast I (try to) host on a (semi) regular basis. I won’t get into the details, but a couple weeks ago I was under the impression that Morph and I would be recording a show the following morning and spent nearly an hour preparing a list that would encapsulate all that was going on at the time. Amongst other things that were set to be discussed on the show that never was were the following items: Booker T and Ric Flair Quitting, Umaga being jobbed out to Hardy and Triple H in wake of steroid suspension, Shelton Benjamen’s shitty blond hair, Teddy Long’s pending wedding, the release of Sandman, Cryme Tyme, Eugene, (and now Marcus Cor Von), CM Punk finally winning the title but being slated to drop it as soon as a month later, the plug being pulled on Randy Orton’s (presumed) title win, and Ken Kennedy being yanked out of Vince’s DNA strand. That my friends, makes for one very sorry list. Lots to talk about, and certainly Morph and I would have done our best to make it entertaining, but when combined with the news stories of a dozen or so wrestlers being suspended, a pending Congressional investigation, prominent storylines biting the dust and numerous short-sited title changes, I wasn’t left with much good news for my friends who were once proud wrestling fans. Quick glances through lop forums.com solidified my belief as thousands of wrestling fans echoed my sentiments, perhaps the entire industry was about to come crashing down. On her way to the king's palace, Chicken Little met Henny Penny. Henny Penny said that she was going into the woods to hunt for worms. "Oh no, don't go!" said Chicken Little. "I was there and the sky fell on my head! Come with me to tell the king." So Henny Penny joined Chicken Little and they went along and went along as fast as they could. Soon they met Cocky Locky, who said, "I'm going to the woods to hunt for seeds." "Oh no, don't go!" said Henny Penny. "The sky is falling there! Come with us to tell the king." So Cocky Locky joined Henny Penny and Chicken Little, and they went along and went along as fast as they could. Soon they met Goosey Poosey, who was planning to go to the woods to look for berries. And then a peculiar thing happened (Random Fun fact: Random cannot pronounce the “p-word that means strange” that he just used while writing. True story, I’ve no idea why, I just can’t say it without stuttering like an ignorant Batista fan) Anyway, a “strange” thing happened….I didn’t give a shit. I mean, I did, don’t get me wrong. I’m a wrestling mark, I can’t help it. I worried, I scoured the internet looking for any bit of news I could find about pending steroid investigations, suspensions, etc. I read column after column featuring the opinions of guys like me, wanting to get a feel for what the collective world thought was going to happened. Was wrestling doomed? Raw ratings had been on a steady decline for some time. ECW recently turned in not just a noticeably low rating, but in fact it’s lowest ever (sans pre-emption). It was astonishing how many people viewed steroids as the end-all of the wresting industry. I laughed at the notion, honestly. In fact, after consuming myself in Chicken Little wailing from wrestling fans, I found myself stunned that so many people could hold these opinions. The wrestling industry isn’t dying. The wrestling industry barely cares at all, actually. WWE lawyers says more suspensions could be coming *Breaking News* Ric Flair quits World Wrestling Entertainment Sports Legacy Institute issues press release on Chris Benoit‘s brain damage See, in spite of all the horrible news, there has been no indication from World Wrestling Entertainment that they are somehow in jeopardy. Yes, the switched some titles around. Yes, this will go down as the Summer of Steroids and it has cast a dark cloud on an already grey industry. Yes, TV ratings are down. But to be fair….aren’t TV ratings always down this time of year? Blame it on the NFL, blame it on UFC, blame it on the summer “lull” but this is fairly typical of a cyclical bussiness that sways with the seasons. And yes, the WWE has acted as if they care, but that’s all it is really, an act. Randy Orton, whom by most accounts is the poster-child for wrestling superstar debauchery wasn’t suspended. Shit his place on the card has never been better, and he was even given the week off to celebrate his recent marriage (congrats Randy). Ken Kennedy for whatever reason may actually be fucked, or maybe he’ll just come back from suspension be revealed as the “real” son of Vince McMahon after the Hornswoggle novelty has worn off (God we can only hope so). Edge was suspended but *Snaps fingers* damn if he wasn’t already injured and is rumored to be coming back to work a major program with Undertaker heading into Wrestlemania. Umaga the Hutt was jobbed like nobody in recent memory but he’s already being penciled into the Vince McMahon/Triple H feud upon his return. John Morrison was suspended, yet how will it look when/if he comes back from a brief suspension only to instantly regain the title from Punk? He’ll look stronger than ever. What I’m learning here is that in the WWE, if you’re a relative nobody or otherwise deemed expendable you’d better be on your best behavior. Addios Simon Dean. Sorry bout your bad luck William Regal, we tried to give you a push. You were done anyway Booker, you had the King pedigreed right out of you at SummerSlam. Umaga? John Morrison? Randy Orton? Edge? How about some much needed time off (in an industry renowned for it’s lack of time off) and then a return to a higher spot on the card than what you’d had previously? Sound like a fair deal? "Oh no, don't go!" said Cocky Locky. "The sky is falling there! Come with us to tell the king." So Goosey Poosey joined Cocky Locky, Henny Penny and Chicken Little, and they went along as fast as they could. Then who should appear on the path but sly old Foxy Woxy. "Where are you going, my fine feathered friends?" asked Foxy Woxy. He spoke in a polite manner, so as not to frighten them. "The sky is falling!" cried Chicken Little. "We must tell the king." "I know a shortcut to the palace," said Foxy woxy sweetly. "Come and follow me." But wicked Foxy Woxy did not lead the others to the palace. He led them right up to the entrance of his foxhole. Once they were inside, Foxy Woxy was planning to gobble them up! Random Fun Fact #2: I probably haven‘t actually read/heard the story of Chicken Little in 20 years but using it for this column I realized that there is actually a character named “Foxy Woxy“. Reading this character made me shed a tear (figuratively of course, I‘m not a pussy) and realize how much I love (no homo) and miss Boss Foxx. That guy needs to come back and resume writing, stat, even if his doing so does unseat me as undisputed God of the Columns Forum. It’s difficult I know. But ultimately how one feels about steroids in professional wrestling, or professional sports for that matter, is a personal decision that they have to come to grips with on their own. As one member of Lopforums pointed out, the perception has always been that wrestlers are on the juice anyway, so it’s not as if anybody is actually shocked to find this out. For that matter all the talking heads running around and acting appalled by this crack me up. McMahon and the WWE have been tied to steroid investigations for nearly twenty years now, this isn’t new news. So the degree to which one “cares” is a matter of taste. My own political views dictate that I wish Congress would spend some time worrying about shit that matters (tax reform, Iraq and foreign policy, education reform, social security) rather than waste their time and our money “investigating” steroids in professional wrestling. Dear Christ man, is this really a surprise? This is worse than when people were surprised to find weed in a car with RVD and Sabu, it’s borderline fucking obvious. Finding HGH in professional wrestlers is like finding Krispy Kream in fat guys-there’s no investigation it’s just a given. With regards to professional sports, I loath the use of steroids. I think it undermines the integrity and validity of the sport itself, it makes people wonder what exactly they’re watching. It’s not an even playing field. Wrestling however is a trickier issue. The competition is purely aesthetic, it’s the appearance that sports-entertainers are after since that’s what gets them paid. HGH and Steroids have been known to perform wonders with regards to injury rehabilitation as well, and in an entertainment field with no off-season that is as physically demanding as most professional sports, I can’t help but feel sympathetic toward them. Do I like knowing that many of guys I watch several nights a week are injecting dangerous substances into their body on a regular basis? No, I don’t. I have a conscience unfortunately and at times it’s louder than others. I don’t like the message it sends to kids, though for the most part young children are ignorant of what’s going on, and older children who may be aware are hopefully lucky enough to also be educated in the dangers of such drugs. And if those kids grow up and make the conscious decision to inject themselves with a potentially harmful substance that may grant them immediate physical relief from injury and provide a career boost in the process….? *shrugs* I guess I’m not inclined to stop them. Hey, call me a liberal (no doubt) but ultimately the choices regarding any illegal drug are solely the choice of the person injecting them and no amount of federal legislation is going to change that. The government hasn’t stopped the use of Marijuana, Cocaine, Heroine, Meth, Ecstasy, or countless other ‘recreational’ drugs, what in the hell makes you think they can stop the use of HGH, which offers very real upside in certain career fields and is ultimately undetectable by drug test? They can’t. Period. Now does that mean they should legalize it? No, actually, I don’t think so, just like I don’t think most recreational drugs should be legalized. The sheer perception of them as being “illegal” will at times make them more appealing to some individuals but ultimately it’s a deterrent from people using them, especially kids. The government had best just keep fighting the good fight and do what they can to stop it. Batista‘s Endless String of Title Matches, Cena‘s Reign of Terror The Released by the WWE Thread: now including Cryme Tyme, Sandman, Eugene, Marcus Cor Von and presumably Booker T and Ric Flair. It’s a tough decision, whether or not one is comfortable enjoying a form of entertainment in which the use and abuse of illegal drugs seems to be the culture. If I change the channel though, it’s not going to stop it. Contrary to what many may want to belief, loathing Batista, Lashley, and The Great Kahli and cheering mat technicians and Lucha-libre style matches won’t solve the problem either. Remember, Benoit and Mysterio have both been indicated as users. I suppose this is the point where I’m supposed to blast Vince McMahon for creating this sub-culture. Problem is, it would have been created with or without Vince McMahon. If he hadn’t rolled out bigger, scarier, more awe-inspiring characters than somebody else would have. People were cheering these types of characters, large muscle-bound men long before Vincent Kennedy McMahon was calling the shot and they’ll continue to do so long after him. I do believe in the WWE Wellness Policy. That’s not to say that I believe it’s effective, but I do believe it’s designed to be effective. I think the WWE too has a conscience and while they know they’re trapped in a nightmare they can’t get out off, a sub-culture of drug abuse, they want to try. Will Vince and his Wellness Policy be effective? No, I doubt it. But much like the federal government’s attempts at outlawing illegal drugs, it’s a deterrent, and good-fight that must be fought. Just as Chicken Little and the others were about to go into the fox's hole, they heard a strange sound and stopped. It was the king's hunting dogs, growling and howling. How Foxy Woxy ran, across the meadows and through the forests, with the hounds close behind. He ran until he was far, far away and never dared to come back again. After that day, Chicken Little always carried an umbrella with her when she walked in the woods. The umbrella was a present from the king. And if -- KERPLUNK -- an acorn fell, Chicken Little didn't mind a bit. In fact, she didn't notice it at all. “The Story of Chicken Little” courtesy of petcaretips.net:. No, I’ve no idea why that site hosts such a story, but it showed up on Google, so I used it. WWE issues press release on global expansion TNA goes to two-hours starting October 4th! WWE reportedly makes Jericho huge offer, Latest on possible return Kids, the sky is not falling. The wrestling industry isn’t the strongest it’s ever been, and it’s probably not even close to the next “upswing” cycle that so many of us are clamoring for-a time when we can proudly where our WWE T-shirts and not have to defend our fandom because everybody is a fan. But the industry isn’t collapsing either. Raw is not going to be cancelled, hell ECW isn’t even going to be “cancelled”. In a time when ratings are down, wrestlers are being suspended or released, and the mainstream media is swirling like the bloodthirsty sharks that they are, the wrestling industry seems to be doing just fine. Would a publicly traded company worth over $500 million be launching a new European division if they were worried about collapsing? Would a powerful network like Spike TV, backed by the massive media conglomerate of Viacom, grant a second hour of programming to the second biggest promotion in North America if they were afraid of a massive public or sponsorship backlash? If the atmosphere were so bad that the WWE were anywhere near folding, you’re beyond crazy if you think that TNA would survive, given that most major media outlets don’t differentiate one professional wrestler from another, much less promoters. My “former wrestling fan” friends, who so nonchalantly asked me “what’s going on in the wrestling world?” still aren’t watching wrestling. I doubt they do anytime soon to be honest. But when they ask me that question again I promise my answer isn’t “the sky is falling”. No, it’s not a bright and sun shiny day, there are few clouds on the horizon and the forecast calls for thunderstorms. The news isn’t all bad though and even in an environment in which there seems to be more bad news than good news-which seems to be true of all news coverage not just the wrestling industry-we need not go running around flailing our arms and screaming “The sky is falling!” when in fact were just plunked on the head by a mere falling acorn. Hopefully that was fun read and one that the good citizens of Lop such as yourselfs can enjoy. If it was or if it wasn’t, drop me a line and let me know, the feedback is always welcome. Alternatively, I’ve still got a thread buried in the Feedback forum of Lopforums dedicated to this column somewhere, feel free to use that if you prefer. A quick MNC update for those of you who fancy yourselves fans of the show. To make a long story short I’ve no idea what the hell happened to Morpheus, he seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. We’d talked about trying to get the show back on some sort of regualar schedule but it never transpired, my guess is his life ceased to suck so he had better things to do with his time than produce wrestling pod casts on the internet. Good for him, bad for the rest of depressed, lonely bastards with no life and an unhealthy addiction to watching grown men pretend to fight. Oh well, we’ll be here when life shits on him and he comes crawling back to us, right? Anyway, I’ve recently had some events transpire in my own life that have led me to a new found desire to revitalize all of my little endeavors that I’d left behind (most of them are linked below). If you care to, check them out from time to time as I should be working on them a bit in the coming weeks/months. Be on the lookout for a new Lop Fact or Fiction too, I’ll be working on one of them soon as well. Anyway, that’s enough jabbering, I’m done for today. As always thanks for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  www.theprojectlives.com Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Project Radio Tool, Disturbed, Metallica, System of a Down, A Perfect Circle, Chevelle, Shinedown and any one of a hundred other hard-rock acts that may entertain me at any given moment. Give it a listen, YourAyatollah commands it. (or at least he would if he’d ever listened to it and had any taste in music).  Monday Night Countdown The single most entertaining hour of wrestling discussion ever…..when Morph’s not busy working or humping his new girlfriend. *NEW GALLERY* Go Directly to a RANDOM HOT BABE & DIVAS GALLERY! Check It Out!
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