|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Leviathan on Wednesday, August 22, 2007 at 1:23 AM EST
 Welcome to the trial of the century. This is the fourth and final segment of The People vs. John Cena. If you’ve read all four parts, you get to vote guilty or not guilty based on the facts of the case – you, reader, are part of the jury. Don’t just read part I and decide he’s guilty. Don’t just read part II and decide he’s innocent. Read the whole trial and then choose the fate of John Cena. Voting rules will end this edition of On the Couch. If you haven’t read Part I, II, or III, please do so now by clicking the links below. Enjoy. The People vs. John Cena Part I The People vs. John Cena Part II The People vs. John Cena Part III Roberta Stacked: Good evening! Welcome to Wrestling Tonight. I’m Roberta Stacked filling in for Dick Nicely, who’s on vacation this week. A panel of the greatest joins me this evening just outside the Marlboro County Courthouse. I can’t wait to tell you who’s on this panel, so without further delay, let me introduce our guests! Call him what you will... “The Great One”, “The Brahma Bull”, “The People’s Champ”. He’s The Rock! The Rock: Good to be here, Roberta. Roberta Stacked: Considered by many to be the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be... Bret “The Hitman” Hart! Bret Hart: It’s a pleasure to be here, Roberta. Roberta Stacked: Next, I’d like to introduce the beer swilling, finger flipping, stunner giving, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin! Stone Cold: I appreciate the cute little intro there sweetheart. Roberta Stacked: Last but not least, I’d like to introduce a man who needs no introduction, a real American, Hulk Hogan! Hulk Hogan: Thanks, Brother...I mean Sister. Roberta Stacked: Now that we’ve met our panel for this evening, let’s get down to business. We’ll be talking about the trial of the century as some are calling it. That’s right. We’re going to discuss The People vs. John Cena. First, I’d like to point out why you’re all here... Bret Hart: It’s obvious why we’re here, Roberta. We’ve all carried the WWF on our backs at one time or another. We are the best ever. Roberta Stacked: Exactly. Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on the current WWE carrier, John Cena. The Rock: The Rock says this: Cena couldn’t even carry The Rock’s thoughts. So what if he can rap a little rap and talk a little talk. The Champ isn’t in the WWE; he’s in Hollywood making movies. He’s the Rock. There are the millions and millions who don’t even like John Cena who prove my point every single day. Hulk Hogan: The brother’s got the body, Brother; but he doesn’t have the sense to use it right. I put millions of asses in seats in my time, Brother, with a few punches and a leg drop, Brother. The point is, Brother, you gotta know when to use whatcha use, Brother. Cena doesn’t know the art, Brother. Bret Hart: If my family had taught Cena how to wrestle, Cena might have had a chance to be one of the great ones of all time. It’s like he pulled a Wrestling 101 book out of a Crackerjack box and decided to throw on some gear. That Cena boy can talk the talk, but he can’t walk the walk. Oh, and God slighted him when he didn’t make him Canadian. Stone Cold: Oh, give me a hell no! Take a look at ‘im. He’s got beady little eyes, his underwear comes out the top of his cute little shorts, he’s got a little baseball hat, a sorry looking little shirt that looks like it came off the rack at Wal Mart, cute little armbands and wrist bands – like he’s some kind of sissy. The boy looks like he should be pumping gas into my truck instead of main-eventing Wrestlemania. Roberta Stacked: So, none of you think Cena has a chance? Stone Cold: You all heard of Austin 3:16, right? Well, now I just made me up a new one. I call it Austin 3:17. It says, burn that little peckerhead to the ground. Bret Hart: Like the McMahon song says, No Chance in Hell. The Rock: Don’t make the Rock crap his pants! John Cena is going to be jail pie before the week is through. Hulk Hogan: You know, Brother... If he’s got a chance at all, it’s gonna be because of that Leviathan guy, Brother.  “Now, your friend, Bush,” Triple H began, “he had a choice between sledgehammers. He could have had the fifteen, the twenty, or the twenty-five, if he answered me at all. He didn’t, so, I hit him with all three. You don’t get that choice, Jobynski. No. No. You are stuck with the twenty-five pounder. No variety of pain for you. So sorry.” Jobynski turned to face his killer and what he saw amazed him... Behind the menacing figure of Triple H stood several men in hoods and robes. They appeared to be part of a gang or perhaps, part of a cult. Each member held a sledgehammer. J.J. could make out some of the faces and some of the shapes of these men. That he knew them by name surprised and pleased him. He wasn’t going to die today. Kane was there. Booker stood next to him. Wasn’t that Goldberg? J.J. Believed it was. Kevin Nash stood there today as well as RVD. These were the people who Paul Levesque wronged in 2002 and 2003! Now it all made sense. There were two other men under hoods. The hoods slid back and the unmistakable mugs of Jericho and Orton revealed themselves. Jericho and Orton had kept their promise to J.J. The two smiled and winked at Jobynski. “Order of the Sledge,” Jericho whispered. Then, the hooded men parted like you’d expect the sea to part in the Bible and a voice was heard walking down the parted sea of muscle and man. It simply stated, “Hey asshole.” “I ain’t got time, buddy,” Triple H growled, not taking his eyes from Jobynski’s. “You don’t want to play “The Game” do you?” “Asshole, I’ve been waiting to play this game for the last ten years,” the voice behind Triple H’s massive shoulders said. Hunter seemed to recognize the voice now. He turned around. “Shane!” “That’s right fucko. Did you honestly think I’d let you screw my sister to the top of the company? Did you honestly think that I’d sit back and watch you take my slice of the action?” “Shane,” Triple H said as he backed towards the car where J.J. now stood. “You know that’s bullshit. I love your sister and I love the business.” “You’re a power-tripping super bitch, Hunter,” Shane said, advancing on Trips. “You ain’t getting the company when Dad goes.” Triple H started to cry. It was the saddest, most pathetic thing J.J. ever saw in his life. J.J. decided to move away from the car. He didn’t want to get trapped between the mob and Hunter’s retreat. “Please, Shane,” Triple H blubbered. “This isn’t fair. I didn’t do anything wrong.” “Maybe you didn’t, Hunter. Maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t matter, though. I’m too paranoid to give a shit right now. Dad’s worth a hell of a lot of money and I despise sharing. I’m definitely not sharing my cut with the likes of you.” J.J. ran. It was almost time. The game was almost over. Jobynski slammed the elevator button repeatedly, frantically. He didn’t want to see this. The door finally opened after what seemed to be time never-ending. J.J. forced himself to the back of the elevator; and as luck would have it, he could still see the action from where he stood, shaking. As Triple H backed away, he stumbled, holding his knee. “Oww, fuck, my quad!” Shane laughed. “Oh, I think your injury will be much more severe than just a blown quad, Hunter.” Shane turned to his hooded band and in a triumphant and gleeful voice shouted, “Gentlemen, raise your hammers to the Gods!” J.J. could see them surrounding Triple H, their hammers held at the top of their reaches. A lot of pain was going to come down in the next moment or two and it was going to come down hard. For, J.J., the worst was Triple H’s scream before the silence. The scream was blood curdling. Then again, speaking of blood, perhaps the scream wasn’t the worst part of it all. The elevator door finally shut. J.J. finally breathed. J.J. Jobynski: I was there, Levy. I saw it all. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. Harold Lutz: What I can’t believe is that he’s still alive. Dr. Leviathan: Triple H is a bad man, J.J.. You blow a quad and finish the match after surviving the Walls of Jericho; that makes you a bad man. When does he return to ring action? J.J. Jobynski: Are you sick? He tried to kill me. He wanted to kill me. Harold Lutz: So, when does he come back? J.J. Jobynski: Summerslam. Do you believe that shit? How many guys hit him with sledgehammer shots? Like, nine? Ten? You should have seen the blood! I tell you what; the real world is faker than wrestling. Dr. Leviathan: Ah, yes... Mick Foley. Pass me the butter, will ya? Harold Lutz: Are you going to tell him, or should I? Dr. Leviathan: I’ll tell him. J.J. Jobynski: Tell me what? Dr. Leviathan: I was just thinking about putting one Vincent Kennedy McMahon on the stand. Could you pass the salt please? Why they don’t season their eggs is beyond me. J.J. Jobynski: Did I just hear you right? You want to put Vince on the stand? Dr. Leviathan: Yep. J.J. Jobynski: Shit, Levy. I knew your case was thin, but don’t you think you’re grabbing at straws here? Vince is a dead-end. There’s nothing there. Dr. Leviathan: Vince is the fearless leader of WWE, J.J.. He runs the show. He runs Cena as well. I just want to ask him a few questions. J.J. Jobynski: Look, I’ve been your friend since the Triple H trial. Levy, this is no good. If you stray too far, Vince will sue you for everything you own. You can’t besmirch the Chairman of the Board on a whim, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: Ah yes, William Regal. You done with that toast, Harold? Harold Lutz: Sure. You sure are hungry today, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: I always eat a ton when I’m nervous. J.J. Jobynski: Putting Vince on the stand would make me nervous too. It doesn’t matter that he hired you to get his boy, Cena off the hook. The man is the MAN, if you know what I mean. It’s like asking Jesus to defend the Bible. Sure, he’ll do the deed, but I think he’d rather go Apocalyptic on you instead. I urge you to reconsider, Levy. Harold, you could go down on this too. Harold Lutz: I know. Dr. Leviathan: What, are you worried, J.J.? J.J. Jobynski: About you? Yes. About this trial? No. Cena is going to burn, Leviathan, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Bringing Vincent Kennedy McMahon in is just a bad idea and I want you to acknowledge that I’ve told you so now so I don’t have to tell you I told you so later. Dr. Leviathan: I hear you. See you in court, J.J.. Are you finished with that ham?  J.J. Jobynski: The prosecution calls Shawn Michaels to the stand. Bailiff: Do you, Shawn Michaels, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God? HBK: I sure as hell, better. I want to get to Heaven, don’t you? J.J. Jobynski: Tell us, Showstoppah, who you wrestled at Wrestlemania 23? HBK: John Cena. J.J. Jobynski: Did you win? HBK: No. J.J. Jobynski: I remember that night very well, Shawn. I remember thinking there was no way that John Cena could ever overcome the legendary Shawn Michaels. How do you feel about that night? HBK: As the Lord is my witness, I should have walked away from Detroit as the new WWE Champion. Anytime a talent has to carry that much of a load in the ring, he should win the belt in my opinion. At Wrestlemania, Cena was that load and I carried him all night long. J.J. Jobynski: How did the fans react to the event? HBK: They cheered when I was on top of Cena and booed when Cena would look like he had a chance against me – which wasn’t very often. I’m a humble servant of the Lord our God, J.J., but I kicked that boy’s ass from corner to corner and back again, all night long, in a million different ways, with a million different moves. Occasionally, Cena would mount an attack, but I thwarted all of them except for the last few moves of doom. I ended up tapping out to his STFU in front of eighty thousand paying customers. The “Main Event” felt pretty used. J.J. Jobynski: How did you feel about putting him over? HBK: Bad. Real bad. Vomit at the bottom of a taxicab bad. Bad like my old days. I almost cursed God that night. Still, that is what I’m paid to do. I’m paid to put people like John Cena over from time to time and that’s what I did. The problem is that the crowd knows all the knowledge I possess in the ring. They know my heart. They’ve seen me take on, and take out, better men. The crowd pooped on my loss to John Cena. What they witnessed that night was a wrestling clinic, but it was a one-man show, the HBK show. When I was in control of the match, I was incredible. When Cena took the reigns for a few minutes at a time it was like he was the show-stopper – you could almost hear the sound of people breathing thirty rows back. It was that bad! Cena could have been anyone that night and the crowd would still remember that I put up and the other guy didn’t. J.J. Jobynski: No further questions at this time, your Honor. Judge Butler: Your witness, Dr. Leviathan. Dr. Leviathan: Shawn, tell me, who ultimately decides who will win on a given night? HBK: Vince McMahon. Dr. Leviathan: No further questions, your Honor. J.J. Jobynski: I’ll redirect, your Honor. Is it that Vince McMahon told you to tap out to John Cena that night that made the night such a travesty? HBK: God, no. J.J. Jobynski: Does Vince McMahon make you carry an opponent to greatness? HBK: No. That’s just something we wrestlers do to make things look as incredible as possible. J.J. Jobynski: Did Vince tell Cena to hug the mat for nearly three-quarters of the match at Wrestlemania 23? HBK: No he didn’t. J.J. Jobynski: In your opinion, Shawn, does John Cena oversell as a champion? HBK: Anybody that sells more than the Heartbreak Kid is selling way too much. Let me tell, ya. J.J. Jobynski: No further questions at this time, your Honor. The prosecution rests. Judge Butler: Is the defense ready to make its case, Dr. Leviathan? Dr. Leviathan: Yes, your Honor. Yes, I uhhh. Harold Lutz: Don’t go for it if you don’t think you can win, Levy. It’s my butt too. Dr. Leviathan: Yes, I uhh... Your Honor, I’d like to call Triple H to the stand. The problem is, like many wrestlers, he spends his free time getting hammered and won’t be able to make any court appearances in the foreseeable future. Judge Butler: This court lacks the time to wait for Mr. H to return from the hospital, Dr. Leviathan. Do you have any other witnesses for the defense? Dr. Leviathan: Well, your Honor, I was going to call the Great Khali to the stand, but his so-called interpreter says he can’t really understand what Khali is saying. He informed me that he often makes up what Khali says since he can’t understand the grunts and slurs that come from the big ape’s maw. Judge Butler: Is there anyone you’d like to call as a witness who is here, who is healthy, who can speak, who will help the defense put up an argument? Dr. Leviathan: It’s that whole “can speak” thing you’re talking about... Umaga. I couldn’t convince him to get in the car or take the bus here since I couldn’t speak his language. I even tried to push the fat fucker into a cargo van and he wouldn’t have any part of it. I think he said he’d walk if I’m not mistaken, but he’s not going to make it here for a very long time; the distance is far too great. Judge Butler: Dr. Leviathan! Do you have a witness? Dr. Leviathan: Defense calls, WWE owner, Vincent Kennedy McMahon to the stand.  Bailiff: Do you, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God? Vince McMahon:Sure. Fine. I do. Can we hurry this up? I’ve got a meeting with Trump in an hour and I can’t be late. Dr. Leviathan: Oh, I am sorry Mr. McMahon. You’ll be here as long as this court needs you. As long as I need you... Vince McMahon: Well, let’s get started then, Mr. Leviathan. I’m a busy man. Dr. Leviathan: Yes. Let’s get started. John Cena. He’s your boy, isn’t he? Vince McMahon: No, Shane is. Cena just works for me. Dr. Leviathan: I was simply implying that John Cena is your chosen WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, the man who you’ve chosen to carry your WWE these past three years. Vince McMahon: Isn’t it obvious? Dr. Leviathan: Yes. Yes sir. How’s he doing as your chosen one? Vince McMahon: He’s doing well enough. Are these the questions you wanted to ask me, Dr. Leviathan, or are you saving the best for last? Dr. Leviathan: Is he selling a lot of merchandise? Vince McMahon: Why, yes he is. Dr. Leviathan: Does he sell out arenas? Vince McMahon: Not really. Not entirely. Dr. Leviathan: Do you... like John Cena? Vince McMahon: What, do you mean, on a personal level? I don’t know John that well, so it’s hard to say. He seems likeable enough... Look, I don’t have time for these silly games, these silly questions – I’m Vincent Kennedy McMahon damn it! I’m leaving! Judge Butler: Are there any further questions, Dr. Leviathan or is the witness excused? Vince McMahon: Thanks for getting me out in the boondocks, Levy. I just love Marlboro County, home of the redneck. Judge Butler: Dr. Leviathan? Dr. Leviathan: Sit down, Mr. McMahon. I’m not through with you yet. You hired me to win this case for you and that’s what I’m going to do. Vince McMahon: That’s right. I hired you. I can fire you too. What’s the next question, my favorite color? Dr. Leviathan: In 1984, you chose someone to lead your company. His name was Hulk Hogan. For the next nearly eight years, Hogan dominated everything that was the WWF. Red and yellow Hulkamania ruled the land. J.J. Jobynski: Objection! What is this, your Honor? A history lesson? Is there a question at the end of this, teach? Judge Butler: Is there, Dr. Leviathan? Dr. Leviathan: Yes, your Honor. Give me a chance to get to it. Judge Butler: I grant you the opportunity to get to a question. Pray it be sooner than later, counselor. Dr. Leviathan: Yes, your Honor. Mr. McMahon, getting back to you now... During the Hogan years - some call it the Hogan Era, Hulk Hogan trampled every single superstar the WWF had on its roster. Vince McMahon: No kidding! That’s how I wrote it. That’s what I wanted. That’s what the fans wanted. Dr. Leviathan: I didn’t want that, not that it matters to you. Vince McMahon: You don’t get it do you? I run a business. I run a successful business. I can’t make everyone happy. Who’s going to run it better than me? You, Leviathan? You, Lutz? I run my business how I run my business. I won the Monday Night Wars for Christ’s sake. Dr. Leviathan: Tell me something Mr. McMahon. Are your orders always followed? I mean, can Shane say, “Ahh, the old man is crazy. I don’t need to listen to his orders today. I’ll just take over today.” Vince McMahon: No, he cannot. My orders are followed to the letter or people get fired. It’s that simple. Dr. Leviathan: You ordered John Cena’s push and subsequent three year reign at the top of WWE? Vince McMahon: Of course I did. It’s my company. My employees do what I say. Dr. Leviathan: Do you realize that your torchbearer, John Cena gets booed quite a bit for being the top face of the company? That heels get cheered when they face him? Vince McMahon: Yes. We call him the controversial champion. Dr. Leviathan: So, you’re aware of these things. Vince McMahon: Yes. Of course. Dr. Leviathan: Do you know what a code Hogan is, Mr. McMahon? J.J. Jobynski: Object! You don’t have to answer that. Vince McMahon: I’ll answer the question. Yeah, I know what a code Hogan is. A code Hogan is ordered during times of great need. The man receiving the order receives a heavy push to the top of the company. All our resources back that man to the top, from time and money to WWE gold. We order his opponents to fold up like accordions and take the 1,2,3 nearly every single match for years. Dr. Leviathan: Did you order the code Hogan? Vince McMahon: Code Hogan’s are illegal, Mr. Leviathan; but I will tell you this. Never has the WWE needed a Hogan more than it needs one now. There’s no Austin. There’s no Rock. There’s no Hogan. There’s not even a Triple H, now that he’s in the hospital. Dr. Leviathan: Did you order the code Hogan? Vince McMahon: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! Dr. Leviathan: I think I’m entitled to it. Vince McMahon: Who gives a damn what you think you are entitled to, you son-of-a-bitch? Dr. Leviathan: Did you or did you not order the code Hogan? Vince McMahon: You’re fuckin’ “A” right I ordered the code Hogan! It’s my company. I’ll do what I want with it. I made Hogan and I made John Cena too. Hell, I made them all! Dr. Leviathan: So, you take the blame when things go bad as well? Vince McMahon: N-N-No... Dr. Leviathan: So you’re saying John Cena is guilty. Vince McMahon: N-N-No... Dr. Leviathan: So you’re saying that Vince McMahon is guilty for every sin Cena ever committed in and out of the ring. Vince McMahon: Iyuh... Dr. Leviathan: Careful how you answer, Vince. Answer one way and your boy Cena burns for certain – costing you millions. Answer the other way and you face jail time. What’s it going to be? Tell me, who’s responsible for the shit I see on TV every week, Vince? You or Cena? Vince McMahon: Iyuh...Yes. I’m responsible for John Cena. I ordered the code Hogan. It’s my fault. Who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. You people still pay for what I put out. Judge Butler: Arrest that man! Vince McMahon: I’m being charged with a crime here? That’s funny. It’s my company for cryin’ out loud! This is... This is funny. LEVIATHAN!!! I’m going to get you for this! I’m sending naked Mideon and Mae Young and Moolah over for a special threesome in your office. You just wait and see! You can’t survive that! Nobody can! You’ve got no chance in hell, boy! Judge Butler: Get that piece of trash out of my courtroom! Harold Lutz: Look out, Levy! Dr. Leviathan: How do you like this Vince? How about a nice F-U? You know what? I don’t trust the F-U. How about a simple Pedigree through the table we’re standing on? Vince McMahon: You are so fired! Judge Butler: Bailiff! Get the paramedics down here for Mr. McMahon. I think he’s unconscious. Leviathan has a splinter in his kneecap. Make sure they know about that too. Harold Lutz: You did it, Levy! Dr. Leviathan: I don’t know that I did, Harold. Sure, I got Mr. McMahon to fess up to the crime of ordering the code Hogan, but Cena is still guilty of most, if not all, charges Jobynski and the People brought against him. It’s in the hands of the jury now. I’ve done everything for John that I could. It’s been a long time coming, folks, but now it’s your turn to help with this case. That’s right, it’s time for you to cast votes deciding the fate of John Cena. Again, I urge you to read the whole trial before choosing guilty or not guilty. Thanks for reading and thanks for voting. Please follow the instructions below when casting your votes. Judge Butler: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the fate of John Cena is in your hands. Is Cena guilty as charged, or is he the wrongly accused and innocent victim of fan hatred? Instead of running down the list of accusations, the court has decided to offer the jurors two simple choices: Or Set him free. For guilty votes please include BURN HIM in your email heading. For not guilty votes please include SET CENA FREE in your email heading. Votes will be accepted until 11:59 PM EST on Labor Day (US) - Monday September 3rd. And for the love of God or Satan or whatever it is that you love...just vote once. Don’t stuff the box. The best part of this whole trial is learning what other people think about John Cena. We’re going to get a number and it’s going to be interesting to see how many of us love Cena and how many of us hate Cena. Don’t vote more than once. Send those emails to LeviathansCouch@aol.com . Thanks for reading On the Couch. I hope you’ve enjoyed the trial. In two weeks I will return with trial results and a more traditional column. Thanks for your participation. *NEW GALLERY* Amazing! RAW's Melina Taking a Shower Backstage!
|
|