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Submitted by Degenerate on Tuesday, August 7, 2007 at 9:37 PM EST
Welcome, one more time, to the column that's giving a certain Australian columnist a run for his money as far as pumping out weekly columns goes. Well, not really, DaveyBoy still owns the lowly Puerto Rican. I'm that lowly Puerto Rican, Degenerate, trying to squeeze some wrestling-related goodness out of the remains of my brain. I was going to take it easy, but it's tough when a sudden idea strikes, and you have the time to write. In fact, this is some sort of sacrifice. These past weeks I think I could've written a bit more, but I have some nasty habits that I must try to ween myself off them. So if this column seems boring, crappy, uninspiring and whatever other negative adjective you might have in mind, blame the producers of the show 24 and the creators of the Guitar Hero games. That show and video game are so damn addictive, they should honestly come with a warning label. All my free time is being lost there. Now I know what drug addicts feel like, I guess. I know you're not here to read about how I waste my time instead of saving the world from whatever's bugging everyone today, so I'll give into the good stuff already. * A word to the wise: NEVER schedule to change your cable or satellite service on Monday. Thanks to Dish Network's botched installation at my apartment, I was unable to catch Monday Night Raw last night. I really wanted to see the show, just to see Vince McMahon trying to salvage what was left of the scrapped storyline of his murder. It makes me question if the first thing Vince McMahon thought of when he found out that Chris Benoit was responsible for his family's deaths was "That son of a bitch... Now I lost a couple of months worth of storylines". Ohw ell, thanks to the magic of Bittorrent, like I said last week, I'll be able to catch the show by the time you've read this. * Can Sid make a difference at his age by making a comeback to wrestling? I just think he'll make a quick buck instead of making a difference. Unless he's been in some obscure independent show I didn't read about, I don't even think he's been wrestling actively, and he's way ahead of his prime years. True, he has the look of a kick-ass wrestler, but which buffed seven-footer doesn't? Also, has his leg healed completely? That was a nasty break, something I don't think will ever be the same. I think he should just stick to either playing softball for a while. * Has anyone outside the WWE cared about the ratings after 2001? There's been way too much news dedicated to this past week's Raw rating, as it had an alleged 0.9-point drop from the previous week. After causing a panic in Stamford, probably causing some people to get fired or something, it was known that the ratings peeps said there was a probable error with various shows, WWE's included. I really don't follow the ratings anymore, and rarely did during the Monday Night Wars, since it really didn't affect me personally. Whether it's a 2.5, 3.4 or the 8.1 the WWE got during their glory days, I really couldn't care less. * The more things change, the more they stay the same. That seems to be the case with Jeff Hardy, being suspended once more for undisclosed reasons. I really don't understand why this happened, but if it's because of the same ol' reasons like last time, a supposed burn-out, then he should just leave wrestling and do whatever he likes doing. He was go back home to North Carolina and form a band to play music, open a beauty salon to dye people's hair, something that'll make him happy. No amount of money and fame can substitute happiness. If he's fired again and he leaves the business, he will be missed, especially without ever reaching the potential he seemed destined to reach. But if it's for his own sake, so be it. Everyone deserves to be happy. * Is it more hurtful than helpful that TNA continues to grab former WWE wrestlers and push them high up on the card, over their own home-grown wrestlers? It's starting to look like a home for battered WWE wrestlers in Orlando. It seems like each month, some more ex-WWE wrestlers appear in TNA. I know for the wrestler's sake, it's good that TNA exists, as it provides one more place to be able to work on National TV in the U.S. But my gripe is that TNA seems to only sign those wrestlers due to their previous affiliation with the WWE. If that's the case, I believe it'll actually work against them. I still cry when I see A.J. Styles so misused. I'm basically starting my third year of writing columns here in this glorious place known as LordsOfPain.net. Well, I actually started off in the forums over at LOPForums.com, but in any case, it's been some of my best times I've spent on the Internet since I first logged on to chat with some chicks I would never meet back in 1997. Meeting and talking to cool people I will never meet in my entire life in the forums, and getting enough respect to be called up here writing this column, it's all been good. But of course, life isn't perfect, and it's not always been so great. Many times over, I've encountered a lot of people who apparently don't like my writing. I'm a pretty open-minded dude, so if someone doesn't like the way I write columns, it's their choice. The problems start coming when those same people start attacking me, saying that 10 year olds can write better than I, and other assorted things. Now, I might take this column writing thing a bit too seriously for some, but if you don't like the way someone does something, at least try to respect that they're doing something you're not, and that there are others who will like what you hate. The wrestling world is the same. It's filled with those who take it way too seriously, and start bashing some wrestlers while praising their own favorites up until no end. And it's a nasty cycle that repeats itself over and over again. For example, a guy likes Wrestler A, sings his praises, then bashes Wrestler B to hell. The guy who likes Wrestler B will come out in defense, while bashing Wrestler A. In the middle, another guy trashes both Wrestlers A and B, while professing his love towards Wrestler C. It goes on and on, like bacteria spreading and infecting everything we're supposed to like. I've personally been in the middle of these types of skirmishes. Back in my Columns Forums day, I wrote some not-so-positive stuff about one CM Punk a few months into his WWE tenure. Now, I haven't seen any of CM Punk's work before landing in the new ECW, so I really don't know how awesome his work was before in the independent scene. Basically I said that I don't know why people are so in love with Punk, because he hasn't done anything absolutely impressive in the WWE. While it's fine that he had a nice career before the WWE, that means shit for the WWE now, and he'll have to start from the bottom. I believe I gave a valid reason for these lines, so I don't know why people took those words the wrong way. The most credible source of information in the entire universe, Wikipedia (Yes, I was exaggerating, save the hate mail), defines fanaticism as "an emotion of being filled with excessive, uncritical zeal, particularly for an extreme religious or political cause, or with an obsessive enthusiasm for a pastime or hobby." If you have ever spent time in any forum that discusses wrestling, you'll notice these posts from guys who are seemingly just out of kindergarden blindly bashing whoever they don't like. From people pissing all over TNA without ever watching the product, to a ton of guys who want Mark Henry to be World Heavyweight Champion for a long run for no apparent reason, it's like they've all disconnected from the reality of what they see. So, who's a good wrestler and who isn't? Let's give a run-down of the different types of wrestlers that are shown on U.S. soil nowadays. Mexican and Japanese types are not included, as I don't know much about those cultures, wrestling-wise. And I obviously won't include Puerto Rico, because there's only one type of wrestling star here: those who blade themselves every single night until their foreheads looks like a tenderized steak. Just ask Carlito's dad. The Wrestling Hero Notable Examples: Hulk Hogan, John Cena The Hero in wrestling is that wrestler who has a million obstacles in front of him, yet finds a way to topple them all. Hulk Hogan perfected this in the early '80s, facing tough challenges like that sneaky Rowdy Roddy Piper, the large King Kong Bundy and the even larger Andre The Giant. Somehow, he got through all of them. John Cena now is enjoying his own modern-day "Hulkamania"-like streak, overcoming all adversity thrown his way by the higher-ups. No matter what happens, these types of wrestlers will always come out on top. Is the Hero a good wrestler? Absolutely. They're good for smaller kids, who can learn that perseverance pays off in the end, and that no matter what's in front of you, you can tackle the problem. Also, the who doesn't want to see the bully get his ass thoroughly whipped? The Risk-Taking Wrestler Notable Examples: Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam These are arguably the most exciting type of wrestler you'll see. Sometimes their matches don't make sense at all, but with all the death-defying moves, who cares? Jeff Hardy and RVD have basically perfected this skill in the WWE. Whether it's jumping on the top rope with cat-like ease, to climbing ladders three times their size and doing some crazy move to the bottom, these guys know how to get the crowd pumping. The Risk-Takers are also good wrestlers, as they can make any boring show a memorable one with just a single move. Even though a miscalculation can virtually end their lives, they'll keep on doing it for the pop. The Crazy Son Of A Bitch Notable Examples: Mick Foley, Terry Funk These sons of bitches don't care about their own well-being. They'll do things to hurt themselves only if it'll hurt their opponent even more. Even though most of the times wrestlers fall under this category is because they lack any good technical skills, there are few, like Mick Foley, who can actually give a decent wrestling match in between his crazy, bloody stunts. I recently had the privilege to rab a copy of a DVD containing one of Mick Foley and Terry Funk's infamous Japanese Death Matches. I'm certainly not squeamish at the sight of excessive blood loss, but I definitely had to stop eating while I saw the exploding mat, the nails and other objects that definitely shouldn't be anywhere close to human flesh, much less inserted. These crazy dudes are good wrestlers as well, since these matches are simply unbelievable, even if they really are just acts of senseless violence. The Small, Yet Fast As Hell Wrestler Notable Examples: Rey Mysterio, Paul London and Brian Kendrick These quick as lighting wrestlers have a penchant for delivering the fastest-paced, blink-and-you'll-miss-it action you can ever see anywhere. These smaller wrestlers lack the size and strength to compete with the big boys mano a mano, but they compensate for their genetics by doing sweet moves everywhere, all without their own opponent seeing what hit them. Like JBL said when London and Kendrick were in Smackdown, these guys are a car accident waiting to happen. Just like NASCAR fans waiting for a crash, we keep our eyes glued to see what crazy stuff these guys can do to win a match. Like the others, these are good types of wrestlers, as if this were twenty years ago, these guys would definitely be jobbers, their talent wasted. Yet with a strong work ethic, they've made it to the top, and should be an inspiration to anyone who has been told "no" before. The Hot Diva Wrestler Notable Examples: Trish Stratus, Mickie James Ahh, the hot, sexy diva. The ones who captivate our thoughts and imagination, the ones who wear tight clothes and skimpy bikinis at the drop of a dime, the ones who risk life and limb to get breasts implants that we can ogle at... Where was I> Oh yeah, these gals are hot, but they can kick your ass too. Most of the women who fall in this category started off as eye candy, but acquired a lot of wrestling skill along the way to have good matches. Of course these are good wrestlers. If you're married or with your girlfriend, how else can you be staring at the hottest women on television without having the excuse that you're "trying to catch any fundamental flaws in the wrestling moves and holds?" Use that line one day, trust me, it'll work. The Wrestler Who Knows Moves He Can't Pronounce Notable Examples: Bret Hart, Dean Malenko These technical wrestlers are an inexperienced announcer's worst nightmare. From out of nowhere, these guys can slap on a hold that looks familiar, yet is completely different to the norm. Hmm, is that an arm triangle choke or a rear naked choke? Was that move a crucifix armbar or a scissored armbar? It's enough to make a grown man cry while trying to get the moves 100% right. These gifted wrestlers who know the subtle difference between a normal chickenwing to a crossface chickenwing are good wrestlers too, and usually put on great matches. They know these moves because of experience and traveling all over the world. You can't expect a rookie with one year of wrestling training to know about all of these moves. The Gimmick-Filled Wrestler Notable Examples: The Boogeyman, Doink The Clown Possibly the bottom of the wrestling totem pole, these wrestlers who are pushed solely for their gimmicks usually have zero real wrestling skills, yet enough charisma to reel fans in. Their matches usually consist of a kick-ass or fun-filled entrance, lots of stalling due to something related to their gimmick (like worm-eating by The Boogeyman, or water-squirting by Doink The Clown), and a very short match to cover up the lack of wrestling ability, followed by yet more shenanigans. Although these are normally wrestlers who can't wrestle for rwo minutes even if their life depended on it, they're also good wrestlers, because they provide a break from all the serious action going on in the wrestling shows. People have fun when these characters are around, but only in moderation. This is a brief rundown, as I'm sure you all can come up with different types of wrestlers. It's not meant to be a definite list, so again, save your hate mail. But if you read each description, you'll notice something, I say that all of these types of wrestlers are good. I also gave valid reasons why they're good. This is basically my point of this entire column. If you're able to think outside the box for a moment, try to get the positives on each wrestler, and you'll notice that they all serve a purpose. Yes, even Randy Orton and The Great Khali. Don't go criticizing some wrestler because they have a different style than what you normally like. If there's something you don't like about them, fine. But try to find something else positive, instead of just labeling them off and being stubborn about it. Just like that chick (or dude) who you liked in high school, yet were afraid to date because your friends made fun of something about her. It's all about taste. One person's garbage is another person's treasure. Take it or leave it. That was a fun little column to write, so I hope you all liked it. As I spend more time writing here in the Main Page, getting E-Mails from readers from all over the world (especially my fellow boricuas outside of Puerto Rico), I'm getting to feel more comfortable writing here. There's a whole other side of me that you Main Page readers haven't seen yet, and hopefully I can bring that side to you next week. While I do that, I'll leave you with some more columns to read from the Columns Forum. Because reading is, like, good and stuff. The Road Less Traveled #9 -- My Love For You Will Still Be Strong By Rated_PG13 When you love something a whole lot, it's difficult to hate it, even though you can pinpoint many flaws in an instant. The Columns Forum semi-clean rated columnist, Rated_PG13, talks about how his love for wrestling will remain strong, even with its many flaws. And for those under 13 years old, be sure to have your parent's permission to click. Ring Of Rage: Celebrating a Year of Mediocrity By Ringmaster One of the quotes contained in this column is "if 'Pro' is the opposite of 'Con' what is the opposite of 'Progress?'" This pretty much sums the column. No, it's not about your favorite politicians, but the only person who didn't run home crying after I bashed his first column to pieces, Ringmaster, speaks about the Pros and Cons of what's hot in the wrestling world now. Also, have you ever been curious about what would pop up if you fused Bret Hart with Shawn Michaels? I know you have thought about that, so check it out and see. KWANG THE COLUMN: How The 619 Can Save SD! By Jigga The God The loss of key players in the WWE Draft a few months ago, injuries to their main event stars while they were champion, and having a 7'3" Khali holding the prestigious gold, Smackdown is surely in need of some help. With Rey Mysterio's impending return, the guy crazy enough to want to die in Lex Luger's house, Jigga, writes about how Mysterio and his 5'7" frame can save what's left of Smackdown. As usual, you can dump off your feedback to dennmart@gmail.com, or head on over to the forums and speak your mind in my feedback thread. Thanks for tuning in again this week. 'Til next time, Degenerate ***DIRECT LINK*** Very Rare Photos from MR. KENNEDY'S WEDDING!
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