|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Leviathan on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 at 6:45 PM EST
 Dispatcher Susie: Car Zero, where are you? Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: I’m at the Chubby Burger over on Six, Susie. What can I do you for? Dispatcher Susie: Just received an APB on John Cena, Joey. F.B.I. says he’s in our area. Copy? Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: Oh, he’s a bad, bad, man, Susie. Well, if’n he crosses Six and Chubby, I’ll get him for ya, Suze. It ain’t like I’m gonna go searching for trouble. Dispatcher Susie: I hear you, Joey. Be careful and holler if you see something. Minutes later... Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: Ayuh, dispatch? Dispatcher Susie: I hear you loud and clear, Joey. Go ‘head. Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: I think I see ‘im. Does he always look like he just stepped out of the bargain isle of a Wal Mart? Silly little black shirt and hat with yellow bubble letters, a pair of shorts that don’t come up to the crack of his ass, and what them boys over on Prospect are calling “the bling” around his neck? Dispatcher Susie: Is he built like Barry Bonds should be built, you know, if Bonds ever took the roids AND worked out? Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: Yeah, this boy’s got the muscles if I ever seen ‘em, Susie. I’ll be damned! He’s spinnin’ that cute little belt, Susie. Call me in some back up. I’m taking Mr. Cena down. John Cena: Give me two Chubbies and a... Excuse me? Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: Flatten yo’self on the ground with your hands behind your back, Mr. Cena. I’m Joey Bobbalou, Marlboro County Sheriff. You’re under arrest, boy. Just do me a favor boy, pull them pants up and cover that ass of yours before you hit the ground. You ain’t doin me any favors by inviting me into your shorts. John Cena: You can’t see me. Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: What? John Cena: You can’t see me. Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: I’m sorry, son; but I see you just fine. Real good like. Now, suck that pavement like I told you to before things get a little on the messy side, ya’ hear me? John Cena: But...The champ is here, officer. Sheriff Joey Bobbalou:I don’t give an rat’s rectum if you’re the champeen of my mother. Get your ass down on that there ground and quit your cryin’. I can’t stand you pussy Easterners and your pussy ways. On the ground now! John Cena: Okay. I’m on the ground now, Joey. Is this where you taste my salty nuts and pin me? Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: You might get your filthy fantasies taken care of, boy. If’n you’re lucky and all. Maybe I’ll put you in with Big Daddy V when we get back to base. If that boy ain’t randy for nearly everything, I don’t know who is. John Cena: But, I’m the champ. Please! I need to go to Summerslam and defend my title! Sheriff Joey Bobbalou: Shoulda thought about all that before gettin’ yo’self arrested, John. Now, hush up and get in the car. We’ve got some miles ahead of us and I want to make ‘em before morning. WWeF TV - And we’ve got breaking news from Arizona...This just in, World Wrestling Entertainment Superstar, John Cena has been arrested. Reports say that Cena, 30, surrendered to authorities outside a Chubby Burger in Marlboro County Arizona. Sheriff, Joey Bobbalou, made the arrest offering no comment at this time. Cena will be arraigned this Tuesday at the Marlboro County Courthouse. Cena, the current WWE Heavyweight Champion, faces a vast array of charges ranging from the very minor, five moves of doom charge, to the very severe and punishable by death charge of single-handedly ruining WWE as we know it. Other charges include possession of too many gimmicks, usage of a gimmick past its prime, failure to put other wrestlers over, usage of a foreign belt, spinner belt, instead of the traditional and heralded WWE Championship belt, not earning his place within the company, being stale, holding the gold for too long, and a plethora of other charges. There are honestly too many to list. Most analysts close to the wrestling industry are urging John to seek God’s help at this time, believing he has little chance to clear his name of all charges filed against him. Cena’s fans are already surrounding the jail where John now resides, protesting that their favorite wrestler is behind bars. Signs and chants of “Free John” can be heard and seen in the streets of Marlboro City, where John Cena is being retained. Prosecuting Cena will be the duo of George A. Bush, lead prosecutor assigned to the case and J. J. Jobynski, co-council for the prosecution. Some of you may recall the name of Jobynski; it was little more than two years ago that he tried Triple H, then World Heavyweight Champion, for many of the same crimes against the people that Cena is accused of. Jobynski failed to win the argument against Triple H, and “The Game” as he is also known, walked free – cleared of all charges. Many site the excellent skill of Harold Lutz III and his co-council, Dr. Leviathan, in winning the now infamous case of The People vs. Triple H. It is unknown at this time whether or not Vince McMahon, owner of World Wrestling Entertainment, will again seek the aid of Harold Lutz III in defending one of his boys. Dr. Leviathan has sworn never to do a trial again and will probably sit this one out according to sources close to the eccentric and private Dr. Leviathan. At this time, we’ve heard nothing from the Lutz or Leviathan camps as far as John Cena is concerned. WWeF TV is currently attempting to contact both Lutz and Leviathan about the Cena arrest at this time. We’ll keep you posted as this story gathers steam and heads to court. Back to you Ron... Roberta Stacked: This is Roberta Stacked of WWeF TV outside the practice of Dr. Leviathan. After several attempts to reach the Doctor by phone, we’ve decided to visit the Doctor in person and we’re a bit afraid at what we can see looking through his windows. The camera isn’t really picking this up, but I see melted Benoit figurines all over the secretary’s desk, smoldering Benoit posters in heaps on the tile floor. I hear loud music too – that does it, we’re breaking in. Roger, help me. Roger Cameraman: It’s illegal, Bobbie. Roberta Stacked: I don’t care. Levy’s a friend too. C’mon, kick that glass in for me; I’m wearing heels. We’re now entering Dr. Leviathan’s offices. The overhead lights are shattered. Glass litters the ground. Hard Knocks DVD’s are also victim to the shattering. The sounds coming from the bowels of this office building are familiar to me...Motorhead. It’s time to play the game good doctor; indeed it is. Is the camera picking this up, Roger? The green strobe lights, the white strobe lights? How’s the sound? Christ! I’m afraid at what we’ll soon see, folks. We’re rounding the corner and... Oh my... God! Dr. Leviathan is standing on his couch wearing nothing more than Triple H underoos. He’s holding a water bottle. He’s spitting the water and hopping down from the couch. Levy! Levy, what’s wrong? Dr. Leviathan: Wrong? Nothing? Roberta? What are you doing here? Roberta Stacked: We were worried about you. What... What is all of this? We saw melted Ben- Dr. Leviathan: Shhh, Roberta. We don’t mention his name anymore. All of this is – well, my way of healing I suppose. Roberta Stacked: You’re dressed like Triple H, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: Well, yeah. So? Roberta Stacked: That’s weird, don’t you think? Dr. Leviathan: Of course I do. Hey, you aren’t taping this are you? Roberta Stacked: We were... We’ll erase it, Levy. Then, can we have an interview afterwards? Dr. Leviathan: About...Him? Roberta Stacked: Oh, no. Haven’t you heard? John Cena’s been arrested. Dr. Leviathan: Let me guess - same charges as Triple H? Roberta Stacked: You betcha’. Dr. Leviathan: Good. It’s about time someone stopped that guy from mucking up wrestling. Let me turn on the tube here. Roberta Stacked: Vince McMahon is saying he wants you and Lutz to defend Cena. Dr. Leviathan: There’s no freaking way, Roberta. I can’t stand John Cena. And another thing, Harold isn’t that stupid that he’d take on another wrestling case. He knows nothing about wrestling... I..ya....He...ya..eyuhhh.... WWeF TV - This just in, Harold Lutz has agreed to defend John Cena in what people are naming “Trial of the Century II”. We’re sending you over live to Heidi Ho. Heidi? Can you hear me over the throng of people outside the courthouse? Yes, Ron, I can. I’m going to see if I can’t get closer to Mr. Lutz. Mr. Lutz! Mr. Lutz! WWeF TV. Can I ask you a question please? Harold Lutz: Why, of course you can pretty lady. Will Leviathan aid you as co-council this time around? Harold Lutz: ... Why, yes he will. He’s very excited to be defending John Cena. I know Levy loves him some of that John Cena, boy. In fact, I think John is Levy’s favorite wrestler of all-time. Dr. Leviathan: Fuck! Oh, Harold... Oh, you fucking...Harold! Oh, man... When I finish drinking your blood... Oh, you fucking, fuck... Roberta Stacked: Dr. Leviathan, about that interview... Dr. Leviathan: I don’t think now is a good time, do you, Roberta? Actually, I think you and Roger the cameraman should leave now. I’m not feeling like my usual peachy self right now. Now if you’ll excuse me, my phone’s a ringing. Roberta Stacked: Levy? Dr. Leviathan: Leave! Yeah! Who is this? Oh, Harold...my favorite and bestest of all-time friends. Me? Mad? Oh, no Harold. I’m not mad. In fact, why don’t you come over here and get a big hug from your pal, Leviathan. You piece of vomitous, crap...you fucking vacuous assbag – I could kill you for this. I can’t stand John Cena; haven’t you ever read On the Couch? The guy’s got fourteen new assholes and they’re all from me, Harold! I’m not doing it; you get me, Harold? No fucking way! What money? Who gives a shit about the money, Harold? Last time, I got so much McMahon money that I had to pay out of my own account the final expenses for the unfortunate Mr. Smark from when I Pedigreed him through the table. Why didn’t Vince pay for that? Why didn’t you for that matter? The only difference in my life since McMahon money entered it is that I’m driving a Buick now instead of that P.O.S. Oldsmobile. He doesn’t have enough money to make me suck up to John Cena for an entire trial. Hell, I wouldn’t even know how to make a case for John Cena. Maybe I should go work for Jobynski. How would that taste, my shitbag friend? You know what, Harold? I’m just not going to do this. Nobody can make me do this if I don’t want to, right? That’s right. Cena will burn and I’ll roast marshmallows over his roasting corpse. No. I don’t care, Harold. Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you hear the apparent and pervasive apathy in my voice regarding John Cena? The answer is, no. Have fun at the trial, Harold. Enjoy the McMahon-o-money. Yeah, I have another call, Harold. I’ll get back to you...some other time. Dr. Leviathan: Hello? Triple H: Hey, Leviathan! How they hanging, my man? Dr. Leviathan: Ahh, yes! The King of Kings. They hang just fine, Trips. What’s up? Triple H: Nothin’ you can’t handle, Levy. Dad told me to call you and see if I couldn’t convince you to take the case – you know, defend John at the big trial. Dr. Leviathan: Dad? Oh, you mean, Vince. Look, Paul, tell your Dad I’m sorry; but I don’t want anything to do with John Cena. I can’t stand him, let alone defend him in a court of law. I... Triple H: Dad says you’d better do what he says, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: Or else what, Paul? He’s a millionaire, not a mobster. You tell him I’ve got two words for him, “fuck” and “you”. I’m not doing it. Triple H: Don’t be stupid, Levy. Dad has his ways. He has his people. You don’t get that big and rich without bashing in a few skulls. Why do you think he chose me as his son-in-law? Why do you think I carry a sledgehammer? It bashes skulls in real nice-like, Levy. I’d hate to see yours bashed in too. Dr. Leviathan: I thought we were friends, Trips! Triple H: You don’t pay the bills when I rip my muscles from the bone, Levy. There’s Stephanie too. Sometimes that bitch needs control and Vince knows how to handle her when she’s lost her mind. I need him and his money. I don’t necessarily need a wrestling columnist who praises me this week only to bash me the next. If Dad wills it, you’re getting hammered, Levy. I won’t stop there either. I’ll burn down your practice and rough up your family and friends. I’ll make Michael Vick look like a puppy lover after I smash everyone’s pets into puree. You see, there’s a right answer and a wrong answer here, Levy, and I haven’t heard the right answer yet. Don’t you think it’s about time you give me that right answer before you make me mad? Dr. Leviathan: ... Triple H: Leviathan? Doc? Old-friend of mine? What do you say? Dr. Leviathan: Fine! I’ll do it. You’re a bastard, Paul. Triple H: No, I’m not. I know who my Dad is...and now, so do you. Don’t you? Dr. Leviathan: Yes. Fine. Whatever. I’ll call Harold up now and make arrangements. Don’t smash or bash or puree anyone, okay? I’m on the case. I can’t guarantee a win, though. Triple H: Why not? Dr. Leviathan: He’s as guilty as they come.  Dr. Leviathan: You’re going to lose. Tell them you’re guilty. John Cena: I’m the champ! There’s no way I’m losing this. Harold Lutz: Why do you keep telling him he’s going to lose, Levy? Dr. Leviathan: Harold, have you even watched a lick of wrestling since the Trips trial? Harold Lutz: Not really. I’m just here for the money. Dr. Leviathan: The truth is John Cena is guilty of all the charges filed against him. I’ll make a case the best I can, but in the end, it’s not going to be enough to save him. The people are going to eat the man alive. You’ll get rich. I’ll come out looking like an asshole. Cena... he’ll end up dead if we’re not careful. Harold Lutz: John, what are you doing? John Cena: I’m hiding. Dr. Leviathan: You’re twice the size of Lutz, John. John Cena: Judge just walked in. Can’t let him see me. Dr. Leviathan: You know that “Can’t see me” shit doesn’t work, right? Neither does that five-knuckle shuffle thing you do, or the pumping up of the shoes, or the F-U or the STFU... Christ, if any of it really looked that great, I suppose we wouldn’t be here. Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Wilson Randolph Butler Jr. John Cena: Don’t sit down, Harold! No! Judge Butler: You may be seated. Is there a problem, defense? John Cena: The Champ Is HERE! Dr. Leviathan: Harold, what’s wrong with him, anyway? Harold Lutz: I don’t know, Levy. Judge Butler: While the wrestling world might find that kind of behavior amusing, Mr. Cena, this court finds it disturbing – hence that kind of behavior will not be allowed in this court. Are we clear? John Cena: You can’t see me. Ow, get off me, man! Dr. Leviathan: You will sit the fuck down, John. You will shut your mouth. You will do as we tell you, understood? Now tell the Judge you are sorry. John Cena: I’m sorry, Judge. I just feel like a Randy Orton victim, like someone just pooped in my bag is all. That shit ain’t right. Judge Butler: Please be seated so that we may continue. George A. Bush: He’s guilty! Look at him! He’s guilty. I’m prosecuting him, right now. Judge Butler: Mr. Bush I take it? Please sit down. George A. Bush: I’m sorry your honor, I’m George A. Bush. My ‘nitials are kinda like Great ‘Merican Bash, but different. I was feeling all frisky and I ‘pologize. I’m like the electrocution, all full of electro and wanting to cution somebody – like I’m feeling all full of pros-e and I gotta prosecute somebody, you understand? Judge Butler: I’m sure you’ll have your chance. Let’s just begin with the charges against the defendant, John Cena. George A. Bush: He’s uh, let me find my papers. He’s uh, guilty of ruinin’ the World Wrestling Entertainment unilaterally. Try sayin’ that word ten times fast! Boy! Judge Butler: Pardon me, Mr. Bush. He’s not guilty of anything at this point. These are just charges. If this goes to trial, perhaps Mr. Cena will be found guilty by his peers, a jury. Until then, you may say the defendant is charged with instead of saying he is guilty of. Understood? George A. Bush: I got you, Willy. Can I call you, Willy? I just like the sound of it. Judge Butler: No, you may not. Continue with the charges please. George A. Bush: Somebody had terrorists for breakfast this morning... Uh, John Cena is guilty, I mean, charged with fraudulent possession of his main-event status, disgrace of the ring with his pornos, I mean promos – how’d that get in there? His promos and ring style are a disgrace to the wresslin’ world and his being at the top of the comp’ny is damaging the careers of other wresslers. Furthermore, the ‘Merican people seek justice on the following charges against Mr. Cena. Sounds Mexican dohn’it? Say it with me... Ceee-naaa. Sounds like guilty to me, Judge. Judge Butler: Enough with the banter, Mr Bush. Continue with the charges, please. George A. Bush: This axis of evil, Mr. John Cena hisself, is charged with usin’ the five moves of doom. These here other charges include possession of too many of the gimmicks, usage of a gimmick past its prime, failure to take the same risks as his opponents during a match, recognizing a belt that isn’t recognized by the masses, being stale character-wise, and holding the big gold for too long in the modern era. He’s lucky he ain’t holdin’ the oil or we’d be in a tussle ourselves. Harold Lutz: That guy’s not right, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: No shit, Harold. Even Jobynski squirmed during that monologue. John Cena: Dude ain’t right is all I gotta say. Judge Butler: How does the defendant plea? Dr. Leviathan: Well, John? How do you plea? John Cena: I ain’t guilty of all that. Maybe some of it, but not all of it, and I sure as hell ain’t guilty enough to ride the lightning either. Not guilty. Dr. Leviathan: Harold? Harold Lutz: It’s what our client wants, Levy. Dr. Leviathan: Not guilty, your Honor. Judge Butler: If there are no additional matters or objections, the trial will begin one week from today, Tuesday, August 7th 2007. Court is adjourned. And so it begins... The People vs. Cena needs your help. The whole scenario relies on you, Couch reader. You decide if Cena burns at the end of the trial or walks away from the courthouse a free man. This is just the beginning. One week from now (and I'll be there this time), the prosecution calls witnesses and makes its case against John Cena. Lutz and Levy will make their case soon after. Then, it’s up to you, reader, to vote on the outcome of the case. It’s interactive. Neato, huh? I realize that I’m a week late in getting this to you all. For that, I am truly sorry. I can only say that life gets in the way. You know how it is. Changing schedules, exhaustion, sleeping for three days straight... Shit happens. It kind of makes you appreciate WWE creative a little more. No matter what happens, those guys and gals put out a Monday, Tuesday, Friday product each week. Granted, they’re a team and I’m just one guy, but kudos to them anyway. You can reach me at... LeviathansCouch@aol.com . As always, thanks for reading On the Couch. Enjoy the trial. *NEW GALLERY* Must See New and Rare Photos of NATALYA NEIDHART!
|
|