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Submitted by Zuma on Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 12:50 AM EST
 Viva La Lucha: CSI, TNA, ECW, GAB, GREAT KHALI!? WTF!!!1!1!~ Welcome back to the column that wasn’t murdered by Chris Benoit… it’s Viva La Lucha. As you might have noticed by my use of way too many exclamation marks in the title… the man from the mountains is a little feisty today. I think it’s for good reason. There are a number of things that are going on in the wrestling world that have me scratching my head, and I figured this was a great week to discuss them. As you might have noticed by the title – there’s a few different things on tap. We’ll start with “he who shit himself when he died”, then move on to a promotion that normally has shit booking, to a show that I think is “the shit”, to a PPV that’s been shitty but will be GREAT this year, to the grand finale. The biggest stack of shit any of us have ever seen. So – there’s a lot of shit to talk about. Grab some toilet paper, and let’s get going. See… I say that this column wasn’t murdered by Chris Benoit because as it turns out, Chris Benoit didn’t just kill his wife and son while in a fit of psychotic rage induced by elevated testosterone levels, boxed wine, and generic Xanax… he also killed a part of wrestling. He was the reason why the Vince McMahon murder storyline was ended, and subsequently… he murdered what was a great chance for the WWE to actually garner interest through not only what would have/could have been a great storyline, but also something that might have actually generated some new fans. Of course, the WWE was a little late in cashing in on the whole “Law & Order” and “CSI” trends with the murder storyline, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t/couldn’t have been a really well done angle. They were building it up perfectly with the “Special Investigator” and the superstars already beginning to point fingers at each other. If you haven’t noticed yet, you can turn on the television in the USA and at any hour of the day find some sort of crime drama playing. Everything from the aforementioned “Law & Order” and “CSI” being the most popular, to other shows like “The Shield”, “Without a Trace” and even my wife’s favorite show – “Crossing Jordan” which I think is absolute drivel. However – she loves it, and she’s not alone. These shows garner great ratings, and the WWE’s attempt at capturing some of that massive audience was ended by a REAL action by one of their performers which will eventually lead to a REAL episode of one, if not many, of those shows capturing an even better rating because all the smarks will tune into the “Chris Benoit Episode” of “CSI: Miami” where Horatio finds that Benoit actually used the Crossface to kill Daniel via black light or something ridiculous like that. Now that’s irony. What’s even worse is that according to a recent news item here on LOP, it seems that the RAW rating has hit a nine-year low for a summertime episode by posting a paltry 3.4. These are grim days at Titan Tower, and that number is going to make it even worse. You can couple that with the negative blitz that’s been applied by the mainstream news and sports media, and the WWE is in a definite pickle. They can’t rely on using “shock” booking, and there isn’t much they can do to avoid the negative attention that the swollen looks of their main event performers are receiving. Add on top of that the ridiculous amount of out of work performers that are willing to sell their down on their luck story to any talking head with a syndicated radio show, and you’ve got a full out assault on our beloved pastime. Grim days indeed for the WWE, and you can thank that murdering son of a bitch Chris Benoit for all of it. Rot in hell, you bastard. While the WWE is getting screwed in the bum on the daily, the yokels from Florida have seemed to finally pull their heads out of their asses and have decided to give us a full on Samoa Joe full frontal. Their last PPV, “Victory Road”, saw Samoa Joe winning the main event match where he not only retained his X-Division title, but he also won the TNA Tag Team championship. His partner in the match was Kurt Angle, and logic would dictate that now Kurt Angle is the other half of the TNA Tag Team Champions, but of course – when has TNA ever used any logic in their booking? Oh no… not these guys. One of my main gripes with TNA is that what they do doesn’t really seem to hold my interest. I just don’t give a shit about James Storm, Rhino, Abyss, AJ Styles, and Tomko. It’s not that those guys don’t have talent, but the storylines, and their acting ability, isn’t good enough to make me care. On top of that, I just don’t give a shit, but actually HATE watching VKM, Sting, The Steiners, Team 3D, and Bob Backlund on a wrestling program at this point in their careers. None of them interest me one bit, and none of the booking that TNA has thrown at me has seemed to make me want to give these characters the time of day, much less the Thirty Bucks I’d have to invest to watch then in a match on a Pay Per View. These people are over-the-hill, in the truest sense of the word, and it’s time for TNA to realize that, cut their losses, and devote their precious little on-air time to developing their great crop of younger talent. Speaking of that younger talent, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that there is one old guy that’s actually doing AMAZING things on Impact, without ever lacing up his boots. Kevin Nash has been instrumental in the revitalization of the X-Division, and his work with Sanjay Dutt, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, and especially Jay Lethal has made me an even bigger fan of Big Sexy than I was before. The “Black Machismo” parody is the single funniest thing in all of wrestling right now, and if you haven’t seen any of it – you owe it to yourself to go to YouTube right now and watch his promos. His impersonation of Randy Savage is spot on, and I laugh just thinking of him saying the words “Jake Roberts ruined my wedding.” Go do it…NOW! < - - Click here, d00d. We go from TNA to WWE’s equivalent of TNA – the “Sci-Fi Original” entitled ECW. We were all pretty skeptic of how this show would turn out when the first few episodes debuted. Who will ever forget the awesomeness that was “The Zombie”? I know I won’t – but… we’ve come a long way since then. The storylines have developed, and the writing team that is handling that show has started to figure out what they can and cannot accomplish in that small one-hour period. It’s an interesting contrast to what TNA is doing. ECW isn’t trying to cram 10 different storylines and over 25 different characters into an hour show. They’ve realized that in order to properly showcase their talent, they have to limit the show to a few key elements. I’ve broken down these key elements into an easy to read formula, so take heed. Add 1 match mixing new and old + 6 butt cheeks shaking + 1 side of Boogey + 2 developing megastars = 1 episode of ECW. It’s “extremely” formulaic, but it absolutely works. They’re starting to properly use the “ECW Originals” by having them put over younger talent every week. The Nitro Girls version 2.0 come out and do a little booty shaking, which I don’t hate on, as all three of them are Hawt with a capital H. Then you add in a little bit of BoogeyMan and TittyMan, and you’ve got a comedy angle that just can’t go wrong. The dynamic between the worm eater and the man that needs a bra for his back is pure comedy. While their matches will most likely blow donkey balls, it’s too much of a train wreck to change the channel. ECW also has one of the most exciting main event pictures that the WWE has graced us with… ever. Their decision to base the ECW title feud around the characters of Johnny Nitro-Morrison and CM Punk is really booking genius. While people on the Internet rag on the WWE for not giving enough “wrestling” – you have to be happy with this match up. Here we have two of the youngest and most exciting wrestlers as well as entertainers being thrust into the spotlight and allowed to show that they truly are the future of this business. These two characters would not ever see eye to eye, and their feud reflects that fact. Nitro’s excessiveness in everything that Los Angeles would bring a young star with his looks and charisma coupled with CM Punk’s absolute hate for everything that is bright lights and over-indulgence is perfect. I love the dynamic between Nitro and Punk – the mixture of the Hollywood A-Lister and the Straight-Edge extremist is something that everyone in the audience understands, without having to make either one go overboard with pointing out who is the “good guy” and who is the “bad guy” – angles like these can really let the audience decide for themselves, and I hope they let these two characters interact as they naturally would and let the audience decide who they want to cheer. I am very much looking forward to the ECW Title match at the Great American Bash. Actually, I am looking forward to EVERYTHING that will take place at the GAB, because I will be in attendance! I’ll be accompanied to the show by my little brother, who is also known to you as “Al Boo Boo” – the author of the Main Page column called “The Friday Night Write” which is posted (for the slow folks in the crowd) on Fridays, here at LordsofPain.net. It’s going to be the first time I have been to a wrestling show in 8 years, and to say I am excited is an understatement. There’s very little like the rush of electricity that goes through your body when the pyro goes off and a live event starts. Add in the fact that it’s a Pay Per View, and you can double the excitement. The last PPV I attended was like 10 years ago – Starrcade at the Cow Palace, when The Macho Man Randy Savage, who was always one of my favorites, turned heel and joined the N.W.O. by giving Hogan some brass knucks with which to pummel Roddy Piper with. I remember how pissed I was that Savage had turned on WCW and joined with Bischoff, and I also remember that there were two men there that really stole the show. It was a match for the US Title, and Eddie Guerrero retained his title over some young kid named “Lionheart” Chris Jericho. The best match of the night though was the “San Francisco Death Match” that featured Chris “I Should have Just killed Myself” Benoit vs. Kevin “He killed my Ex-Wife” Sullivan. Those two had a tremendous hate for each other, and this match showed it. They brawled everywhere, and they seriously almost killed each other. Too bad Sullivan couldn’t actually finish the job… What an amazing match that was, and I hope that the WWE can make me have memories 10 years from now that are anywhere near the exciting memories I have from that foggy day in San Francisco. We have tickets for the 9th row, on the TV side, so keep your eyes open for us and our signs. I’ll be the guy in the Barry Bonds jersey and backwards Giants hat. (Hi Sports Forum!) If you’ve got any great sign ideas for this upcoming event, feel free to send them to me at my email address at the bottom of this column. I’ll choose the best, and post pics in my “LIVE PPV REVIEW” next week. We’ll definitely have a ton of signs at the show, and I appreciate all your help. The only thing that I’m really disappointed about when it comes to this PPV is the fact that one of the main events has been changed. I’m not sure if it’s considered a spoiler or not, since it’s already being reported on WWE.com, so I’m just going to go ahead and talk about it. If you don’t want to know… skip to the California Flag…. I’ll give the rest of you something to keep yourselves entertained with while the non-spoiler people move their asses along...  WTF?!?!?! That mile-high stack of shit, The Great Khali, has been awarded the World Heavyweight Championship in a Battle Royal that will take place on the next edition of Smackdown! Sunnuvabitch! It seems that poor Edge has suffered a severe injury, and he’s been stripped of the title since he’s due to miss about four months to repair a torn muscle. That’s extremely sad news for Edge, and even worse news for us fans. Edge was seriously blossoming into a superstar, and most that have read my columns for a long time know that I’m wasn’t the biggest fan of Edge or Adam Copeland. However… I’ve come to really enjoy his new persona as the Rated-R Superstar, and I’m sure that’s because it fits the formula of being very much like the actual person that Adam Copeland is in real life. He fits his new gimmick well, and he truly was the highlight of the few times I’ve been able to watch Smackdown since he moved. What’s worse though is that some idiot decided that putting the belt on the Great Khali was a good idea. Whoever made that call shouldn’t just be fired, but tarred and feathered. The Great Khali is a HORRIBLE choice to hold a title… saying he’s not a very good wrestler should win me the understatement of the year award. He’s atrocious as an in ring performer, and he talks like he’s got a bag full of marbles in his mouth. This is your champion? WTF? When my brother told me at the beginning of the ECW broadcast that the G.K. was the Champ I said “Dude… that’s not funny” and kept talking. Turns out he wasn’t full of shit… the WWE creative staff was. I’m sure this will go down in history as the WORST title reign in WWE history, and that includes Chyna as Intercontinental Champ and BOTH Pat Patterson and Pete Gas as the Hardcore Champ in what was a complete JOKE of a title scene. Yes… it’s that bad. I don’t care that he’s huge, and he’s “unstoppable” – he’s a terrible wrestler, and he looks like he’s holding a soup bowl in his jaw. Plus… HE CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH!!!! Oh lord… please let the WWE realize what a bad decision this was and put the title on Kane for a few months. He’s done everything the company has ever asked of him, including the Katie Vick angle, and the marrying Lita angle – he’s always been a professional and he’s always been someone that could at anytime be a considered a legitimate contender for the Title. But… we all know that won’t happen. Vince loves the big men, and this is the biggest big man he’s ever seen in his whole life. The reign of the Great Khali is upon us... may God have mercy on our souls.  This was a fun column to write, and a little different from the last episode, where I focused on a single topic. I hope you enjoyed this style, and I’m sure this isn’t the last time I’ll use it. It’s time for us to get back in the saddle and give out some awards. The last couple of weeks have been great, and it’s about time that we forget what happened with “He who shit himself when he died” and move on to giving the guys that are actually out there busting their ass to entertain us some credit. Let's get to it: Hoss of the Week! In my never-ending quest to promote all things that are EXCELLENT when it comes to wrestling, I just must expose you to this next guy. He’s not just another pretty face, and he’s not just another doughboy. He is considered by many to be the greatest wrestler alive today (not me, but he's up there), and I happen to think he’s one hell of a hoss (for the Indy scene). He’s the man that brings the lariaaaaat-oh, YOUR Ring of Honor World Champion, Takeshi Morishima. He’s featured here in a match against BJ Whitmer, which will give you an idea of the type of work that Morishima brings to the ring, as well as what ROH has to offer. ROH now is offering PPV telecasts on most cable providers. The price is only $10, and for the money, you’re not going to get a better quality WRESTLING show that is produced in the United States. If you happen to have the extra money, I highly encourage you to purchase the replays that are now airing of the PPV from May entitled “Respect is Earned.” There's even one this Friday... which you could watch instead of that LAME ASS the Great Khali winning the TITLE. SPOILERS!!! OOOOH! Fuck! Columns of the Week Walking The Highlands: Back to School It’s LOP forums newest moderator, Mac, back in the Columns Forum for a little look at wrestlers that are ALSO wrestling fans. These guys should hold a special place in your heart, because they are really just like us. They went with it though, and turned the dream we all had of being a star into reality. Nice work, Mac. Keep it up, and we’ll keep coming back to the Highlands for a read. Hardtime #99: Breaking the Fourth Wall Former Main Page columnist RIPBossman comes back with a vengeance to Lords of Pain with his look at kayfabe and the “fourth wall” which exists in television. You’ll probably learn something here, as Mr. Ripper always does his homework and brings you a column with research to back up his claims. This one is no different. Take a minute and read his work. Welcome back, Rip. That’s going to be it from me. Big ups to my man NOC for the sweeeeeet Mistico banner at the top of the page. If you don't know who he is... GO FIND OUT! I need to go and pack for my trip to the Bay Area! Keep your eye open for this week’s edition of The Friday Night Write, as my brother and I are planning a pre-PPV spectacular! THANK YOU SO MUCH for being a part of this column with all your feedback, questions, comments, and just awesome interaction. You’re really the reason I continue to do this, so make sure to drop me a line. You can do that via email, or over at LOPForums. If you’re not a member yet, you really should join. If you are a member, be sure to leave some feedback in the Viva La Lucha Feedback Thread. If you’d like to see your artwork shown in this column, send me a banner at vivalalucha@yahoo.com and make sure to label it “Banner”. You can also click the link if you're an LOPForums member. Address all of your hate mail, fan mail, comments, questions, and sexual propositions to the address above as well. I’ll try and answer every one, as long as you label it “Feedback.” Before you go off into that crazy web without any supervision, why don’t you follow these links instead: LOP Columns Forum – the best wrestling related columns on the net. Period. The Movie Bar – music, movies, Monkeys, and reviews too! The Project Lives – creative writing, commentary and artwork. Plus, the HOME of MONDAY NIGHT COUNTDOWN!  I’ll be at WrestleFanFest 2007 – in San Francisco, at the Cow Palace! For more info, click on the pic of the Palace, and learn about who’s there and why it’s going to be AWESOME! *NEW GALLERY* Photos of BATISTA With His HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND!
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