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Submitted by Leviathan on Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 3:57 AM EST
 Here we go again. The Couch is on the main page for its fifth time. Funny, I don’t remember winning a fifth column of the month. Why am I here then? I’ve traded in my four COTM victories for a main page gig. That’s right, I can park the Couch in its very own spot next to columnists like Random, Wevv Mang, pt2 , DaveyBoy, and others who own better cars than I have. Consequently, they’re all closer to the building than I am. My Couch is all leather, though. I can’t be doing all that bad. I suppose I’d better get to thanking some people. Mom is a good place to start. You see, back in the black old days of my post-divorce life, I moved back home to live with, you guessed it, Mom. You’re just so smart. Those were black days as I’ve already mentioned and Mom tried to brighten them by getting me a computer and plugging me into the Internet. That’s right, here I am. Thanks, Mom. As I ambled here and there across the vast universe that is the Internet, I came across this site, Lords of Pain. At LoP news is news you can use and for the most part, believe in – a rarity amongst wrestling sites. From the main page to the forums to the columns to the way the site actually works, everything is top notch. This is home for me. Thanks to Calvin, the Lord of Lords of Pain, for hooking us all up to such a quality wrestling site and thanks again to Calvin for allowing On the Couch a parking space on the main page. When I began writing here in early 2005, the Columns Forum pond was crammed with some very talented fish. Morpheus, the guy who got me to write column long columns instead of just column long feedback, swam there. Random’s huge, and often controversial fin sliced through the water of that pond. Xanman and Stinger filled the blackness of the pond with their thoughts and their takes on wrestling back then. Zuma and BC began their first verses of what we later learned to be whale song. Valley Boy made the creatures in the pond laugh with his Memmies. I was only a hungry little pre-frog and I read and ingested all I could from this fully stocked and fully talented pond. Thanks for not eating me and letting me swim my eccentric little circles. I’ve not forgotten about you, reader. I’m pretty thorough. I covered the computer, the Internet hook-up, the Lords of Pain discovery, the introduction to column writing 101, and now I’m going to thank you for reading On the Couch over the last two years. Special thanks to all those who actually enjoy the column and voted it to the main page four times. You other people, well... You can just... keep reading. One of these days the Couch will have what you’re looking for. Welcome to On the Couch XXIX – Maybe You Should Stay Home. There’s the couch. Sit back and relax. Put your feet up. Grab a beer or a soda from the fridge and pop a few Fritos or Corn Poofs into your face if that’s what you want. Let’s get the show started, shall we?  HEyyyyyyYYY! It’s Mick Foley! Foley. Foley. Foley. Foley is God, you know. He’s good too. Why don’t you calm down. Don’t ruin the match for me. You remember the good old days? Like when Foley fell off the Hell in a Cell back in 98? Shhh! Oh, man! What about Foley and Triple H at that Royal Rumble? You know, the one where Triple H had that stick stuck in his leg? It was from a pallet, a chunk of wood from a pallet. Now, shut up and lets watch this match. I wonder what Foley is going to wear? Who’s he going to be? Is he going to come out as Dude Love? Or maybe Cactus Jack? That would be real cool if he came out as Cactus. He’s really tough when he’s Cactus Jack. Remember back in the day, when he hit Sandman in the head with the fry pan and Sandman got knocked out... and... Yes! Godfuckindamnit! I remember. We watched the match together. We watched it again when we bought the frickin’ DVD. We watched it again and again. Yeah, those were some great old times when Foley wrestled in ECW and WWF. Man, oh man, I miss the Attitude Era. Everything was so much... Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that was then and this is now. Can we please just watch Orton, Lashley, Booker T, AND the great Mick Foley beat on Cena? Can we? Please? He defeated Undertaker, like, all the time, man. Used to rock back and forth. Oh, yeah! The Rock and Sock Connection! Wasn’t that just the greatest? Remember the Rock, This is Your Life? Awww, man, classic is all I gotta say on that. For fucks sake! You know? All I gotta say is thank freakin’ God that we have DVR and it’s working today because your babble is driving me nuts and I don’t even want to watch the match now.  Ever had to sit through a wrestling event with that first guy, the one with the Mr. Happy for Mr. Socko and Company? It’s possible that he’s your little brother. Maybe he’s a she and she’s your sister. It’s as if they can’t even see what is in front of them when one of the greats from the zenith times of WWF or WCW shows up in a modern day ring. This Sunday at Vengeance Mick Foley, Randy Orton, Bobby Lashley, and Booker T will challenge John Cena for the big gold. Question. Is there a name in that lot that seems a bit out of place? Perhaps, it’s just a little 1998 – 2000 even. Here’s a clue. It’s the name you’re probably most drawn to, just like the guy with a Mr. Happy in his pants. It could very well be that you are that first guy...AND that second guy at the same time. Some of you can honestly say that you can’t stand Mick Foley. That’s all good. The rest of you; I’m talking to you here. The rest of you love Mick. He’s an icon. He gave wrestling fans iconic images with tacks, cages, cells, bats, and explosives. He’s from that really good time in wrestling for most of us who watched the late 90’s to nows of wrestling, the Attitude Era. We see Mick Foley and we’re immediately transported back in time to a when that many wrestling fans prefer over the year 2007 version of wrestling. It’s hard to take your eyes from his name when looking at the match card. It doesn’t fit. It’s like Jurassic park just invaded the local reptile exhibit. He’s a dinosaur. It’s not that he’s old. It’s not that he stinks up the ring when he’s in it. Mick Foley can still do great business in a wrestling ring. He’s just a dinosaur because he creates a time bubble just by walking into a wrestling picture. It’s a time bubble, people. You just have to look at it like it’s a car crash or a house fire or your first dead body. Foley is something that creates a burp in time when he’s around. He’s such a popular figure within the encyclopedia of wrestling history that when we look at the five guys involved in the main event this coming Sunday at Vengeance, many of us are only going to see our old buddy, Mick Foley. We can’t possibly see the rest of Cena’s challengers or Cena himself while wearing the uber-cool rose-colored glasses we purchased back when Stone Cold was flipping people the bird. Mick Foley is one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. He’s always been a distraction because he’s that good at what he does. However, these days, the part time Mick Foley is a bigger distraction than ever and it might not be such a good thing anymore. He’s the answer to what doesn’t belong in this picture. Sure, he can put on a solid performance. Foley even puts on memorable, legendary performances at times. The problem is that he might detract from the current day product simply by reminding us that there were once better days. It doesn’t matter if those better days are fact or fiction. Putting him in the ring with Cena is just another kick into Cena’s ribs. Cena will never accomplish the level of prestige and fan support that Mick Foley has achieved in his career. Never. When I look in that ring on Sunday, I’m reminded that Cena sucks and Mick Foley is GoodGod Almighty! Lashley! Don’t touch my Foley you big bitch! Orton, you keep your filthy fingers away from my Foley. Booker! No kicking my Foley. Why? Because there isn’t a single one of you with the testicular fortitude of Mick Foley. Of course I want Foley to win Sunday. Like I said, I love Mick. He’s one of the reasons I watch wrestling. Winning the big gold Sunday? It’s probably not going to happen. Why? Because Mick Foley is a part timer these days. It’s another reason why Foley doesn’t belong anymore. Sure, they could swerve us all and let Foley win his fourth World Heavyweight belt, but they’d only strip him of it on the next Raw or, at the most, the next PPV. Foley is a problem because he makes things predictable because we know he’s not staying for any amount of time. There are other dinosaurs out there. Stone Cold Steve Austin is one of them. What a predator in his prime, Austin was. Everyone knows it. Most of you loved it. When you look back at the most recent Wrestlemania, the match between Umaga and Lashley for the right to shave McMahon’s or Trump’s head bald, who do you really remember from that match? I remember Austin because he seemed out of place and out of time. Here’s a sorry fact. Austin was the most exciting thing about that match. The big event wasn’t even McMahon getting his shaved bald; it was Trump getting a stunner from our boy Steve. Just the music of Austin is enough to trip the timewire and send us all back to 1997 or 1998. The problem with Austin is he’s no wrestler anymore. We know it. He’s done. Broken necker. If he did come back it would be in limited terms against other dinosaurs from those better times who currently lack the ability of their yesteryears. Speaking of which... Hulk Hogan. To me, he possesses the most feared name in sports entertainment. The very mention of “Tupperware” Hulk Hogan sends shivers down my spine and strange commands to my fingers like, “Slit wrists now” and signals to my legs when over a high bridge like “Jump if you’re sure it will end you”. I’m so entirely thrilled that Hogan and McMahon don’t see eye to eye anymore since that alone is just enough to prevent the old and yellow, I mean the old yellow and red, from wrestling in a WWE ring. Hogan is a guy that just wouldn’t retire, wouldn’t stay dead. He’s now the six million dollar man he has so many new parts, but they don’t help a bit when it comes to putting on a great show with modern wrestlers. I can’t help but wonder about the mental states of those who still clamor for another look at Hulk Hogan. If Foley and Austin are Jurassic, then Hogan predates time itself. I don’t want to see him anymore. My memory is more than enough when it comes to “The Real American”. I need no more footage, especially when it’s the kind that needs edited and sometimes cut entirely. There is one man left out there that could cause a rip in the time continuum and that is The Rock. Like Foley, maybe the Rock, given some training and some time to shake the rust off, could still go in the ring. Here’s a guy that could lace up his boots one day, enter a WWE ring and be so bright the star that finally, Cena could get his wish of invisibility – just by standing next to The Rock. “You can’t see me.” That’s right John. Now shut up so we don’t have to hear you. The Rock is here. The Rock is bad news. I don’t ever want to see him return. He’s someone that only a relative few left in WWE could withstand. Triple H, The Undertaker, HBK, and Ric Flair are the only ones left in WWE that could hold their own and provide enough pop or pizzazz to work with Rock on an even level. Considering their ages, this isn’t such a grand idea. The WWE needs its new stars more than it needs the Rock in order to keep the future bright and rolling forward. The Rock’s presence immediately closes the gates for newcomers and shuts down nearly everything else. He’s a gigantic blood clot and a return would be a stroke for everyone. Be it Foley, Austin, Hogan, or Rock, these men take us places when we see them or hear of them. Some take us to places we loved more then than those same places today like Rock and Foley. Some simply have no business in the business, like Hogan and Austin. Some gather the spotlight to them in such a frequency that every other talent on the roster is left in the dark, never to grow, never to shine like the Rock. All are anomalies in the modern wrestling world that take our focus from the guys scratching to get to the top of the wrestling pyramid like Kennedy, Orton, Cena, Batista, and others. Perhaps those wrestling legends of days gone by need to stay home to best put over the new talent.  Oh, my God! Did I just tell Foley to stay home? Did I just say I didn’t want to see Mick Foley in my WWE ring? I must be nuts! Did I just give Austin a stunner by telling him to stay home too? I don’t want the People’s Eyebrow? Have I lost my freakin’ mind? I just told the people that rule my greatest wrestling memories to stick it. Now I’m depressed. Wait! Come back! You can still wrestle in a WWE ring. I was only kidding. I’ll buy the beer Austin. Rock, I’ll take you to get some new clothes. Gotta look good, right. Foley, wear the mask, the Cactus T and the flannel. It’s all good. I don’t want to let any of you go, ever. I’m serious. How do we keep our heroes of yesteryear around if we don’t want them mucking up our present day course of action? If I don’t want those legends of the late 90’s tarnishing the superstars of today or stealing their sunshine completely, how do I mix them into the same program? Is it even possible to lessen the time bubble that is inherent in Austin’s can of beer, Foley’s missing ear, Rock’s smackdown, or Hogan’s cupping his ear and limping around like your 108 year old Uncle Jack? Perhaps we can take a lesson from 2007’s Royal Rumble. We’ll take up the action where there is none. Shawn Michaels is on his back. The Undertaker is on the mat. They’re up and there they go. You rub your eyes. Ten years are gone. It’s 1997, isn’t it? There is some missing hair on both men’s domes. It’s still 2007, but it’s also 1997, isn’t it? Sure it is. The time bubble isn’t a distraction. It resonates with the fans in a way that isn’t a distraction. No, it’s an attraction – like a theme park ride. This is a true thrill to see Taker and HBK battle it out in the ring. It’s been so long. It’s been ten years. The crowd eats it up without missing any action, without negating any wrestler’s effort. The focus is on both men, the ring, the action – not just one or the other. This is how you do it right. Why not pit Foley vs. Taker when Taker returns? Why not pit Rock vs. Triple H if Rock ever decides to lace them up again? How about Austin, Triple H, Rock, Mankind? It’s fine to take us back to the golden era as long as the era can still provide gold. Give us that past we still yearn for without ruining your current game plan, your current rising superstar, by mixing him up with some legend of old. Give us Taker vs. Foley while we still have them, while we still have time, while they can still give us a show worth watching. Don’t wait too long and don’t waste legendary talent with limited time available to spend in a WWE ring on up and coming talents. They’ll be just fine wrestling everyday superstars. If you can no longer hold up your end of a match, don’t come back. No time bubble in the world will hide how far you’ve fallen. You’re not going to get us to see 1999. Instead, we’ll see you for what you really are, a leech who takes our money based on your past accomplishments alone. If you’re Hogan, you no longer qualify...unless you wrestle... Bundy? Is he still alive? Maybe Hogan could wrestle Flair? Just don’t wrestle a guy like Kennedy. The yellow and red will just make us sad that you’re in the ring with a guy who can mop the floor with the remaining hairs on your head. Hell, why not create a Senior Heavyweight Championship belt just for guys like Hogan, the guys who won’t let go who can still bring in a few bucks even though they can hardly move. Maybe the heroes of our past Wrestlemanias and Royal Rumbles don’t have to stay home and still have a place in the world of wrestling that doesn’t detract from the very future of wrestling itself. It’s up to the match makers to mix the old with the new in a way that doesn’t warp us back in time at an inopportune moment or warp us because we’re bending too far just to get a grip on the mixture of 1987 and 2007. Perhaps we’re better off in a 2007 that looks like 2007 or in a 2007 that looks like 1997.  That does it for the first main page On the Couch. I hope you’ve found it comfortable at the very least. I thank you for reading and order you to send me feedback at LeviathansCouch@aol.com. Please label the email, On the Couch Feedback so that I understand that you aren’t selling me penis pumps and plastic-quad vaginas. In addition, I don’t want any emails promising me money for rescuing you from African or Arabic countries. I’m broke and have nothing to offer you and I don’t believe you anyways; nor do I care about your problems. I write a wrestling column and have no pull with George Bush, the elder or the younger. Before I end this column, I thought I might tease you longtime readers and try to hook some of you new readers with a look into the future. In November, On the Couch presents Wrestlelections 2007. For those who don’t know what Wrestlelections are, they’re my answer to Cyber Sunday – a list of questions that give us fans more freedom to change their wrestling product than anything WWE will ever offer us. The first was a great deal of fun. Wrestlelections also turned out to be very interesting, something to discuss afterwards. I hope that, with a grander audience, we’ll have ourselves a huge voter turnout this year and really get to the bottom of ourselves as wrestling fans. Longtime readers might remember a little two-part Couch titled, The People vs. Triple H. Dr. Leviathan successfully defended Paul Levesque in a brutal battle against prosecutor, J.J. Jobynski and his star witness, John Smark. The Game was cleared of all wrongdoing by a panel of peers, the readers of On the Couch. This year, sooner than later, Leviathan goes to court again. His good buddy, defense attorney, Harold Lutz, returns to the courtroom for the fight of his life in another “trial of the century”. Lutz, desperate, tricks Dr. Leviathan into taking the case, a case Dr. Leviathan would rather prosecute than defend. Coming soon: On the Couch – The People vs. John Cena. Don’t be late for court. Until we do this again... Mickie James Looking the HOTTEST EVER!
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