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Submitted by Sheepster on Monday, May 21, 2007 at 9:51 PM EST
 Initial Ramblings Welcome to my column. Come in. Put your feet up. No! Take your shoes off first, I've just had that cleaned. Cup of tea? Toasted bagel? Very well. Just don't get crumbs on the carpet. With the obligatory humorous welcome message out of the way, I am Sheepster. You might have seen me before if you frequent this establishment. I've been hanging around the Columns Forum on the board here since the beginning of 2004. In that time I've written 26 columns, which is why this is labelled "27"; "XXVII" if you speak Latin. This column has been my main vehicle, though I have featured as Stat Sheep in a fair few editions of the cult-hit column Excuse The Aggravation. Still being written by XanMan and DoubleHelix, you can find the newest edition near the top of the Columns Forum now. I had one main page column once before by winning the Column of the Month contest way back in January of 2004, have taken part in a few of the Fact or Fiction specials, and was once mentioned by Winter (who has long since left the main page). And this? This is Under The Fleece. A column that's investigative by nature. We here at UTF like to get to grips with the stranger, less well-known topics of wrestling and get to the bottom of them. To use a fitting analogy, we like to get through the fluffy overcoat of deception and get to the fleshy parts of the story to pick the bones clean; to go "under the fleece", as it were. But what do we focus on today? It's what most people focus on every day when meeting people. Most people use it almost immediately as a subconcious judge of character. Using the wrong styles in the wrong situations can have drastic consequences, as we shall find out. Today, we focus on clothing. Episode XXVII – Dressed For Success You're a wrestler. Alright, maybe not. But just imagine you are. You've spent months in wrestling school, learning to wrestle. You've taken bump after bump, wasted most of your tight budget on ice-packs for the bruises and hair extensions to make yourself look "more awesome", and finally your debut match is coming up. All that hard work is paying off now. But after finding some thumping rock tune to use as your own personal theme music, you'll need to get yourself some proper threads. And you'll have to take notice of current trends, or you may end up looking like a fool. It's a tired old cliché. "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have". But it's so true. In white-collar business, a sharply dressed man with a tailored suit is far more likely to get that promotion than the schmuck with the unironed short-sleeved shirt and Simpsons tie. Enough with the career advice though. This cliché is also surprisingly true in wrestling. If you want to start winning championships now, you have to dress for success. The industry defines a successful wrestler as one who wins championships, so I need to look at what the very best champions have been wearing in the ring. And to keep it current, because trends can change, I'm only looking at the last 4 and a half years (54 months). First up, we check the WWE Heavyweight title. Raw Is Fashion For the past 4 and a half years, one person has dominated the heavyweight scene on Raw. John Cena has been champion for a total of 21 months and 20 days. Other big contributers include Brock Lesnar and John Bradshaw Layfield who have each held the title for just over 9 months. This immediately shows that black trunks and denim shorts are very much in style. Denim shorts have been on top for 40% of the last 54 months. Long tights, as worn buy Eddie Guerrero and Edge, didn't fare so well and only made an appearance 14% of the time. And though more people wore leotards (Kurt Angle, Big Show and Rob Van Dam), they just couldn't stay on top of the mountain with that crass lack of style. Only 7 months out of 54 contained a leotard wearing champion. How embarrassing for them. On the peripheral front, we see a surprising number of champions are wearing wrist apparel these days. Wristbands are worn by 82.4% of champions. Elbow pads don't appear to be that important, staying around for a quarter of the time. Rob Van Dam made a terrible fashion faux-pas during his reign by wearing gloves; the only WWE champion to do so. Tailoring The Smackdown On the World Title side of things, we see two main people reoccurring and setting most of the trends for this title. Triple H and Batista have racked up 34 months between them, making short trunks an absolute must-wear. Other World champions on the trunks-bandwagon include Booker T, Bill Goldberg and Randy Orton. That's a whopping 78% of the time. Meanwhile, Chris Benoit and the Undertaker tried the long tights and failed. Miserably. Edge realised this rather promptly having held this title for only 18 days. He appears to have jumped over to the WWE title during this past month to change things up, but we all know what he really needs. Denim shorts. Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio look unchampionable in their overly-indulgent trousers with just 4 months between them. And poor old Kurt Angle. Leotards get no love in wrestling, accounting for just 5% of the time. The shocks continue when we look at accessory trends. Elbow pads seem to do the trick for this title with 70% being elbow-pad-wearers. And 60% of the time, we've had a begloved World champion. Due to all the glove action, wristbands seem almost unnecessary here. Comparitively Speaking With all that work done, we can step back and see the more general fashion ideas shining through. And the conclusions are no real surprise. With limb/joint protection and stripped-back minimalist clothing, the World Heavyweight title appears to be the pure wrestling championship. Technical geniuses like Chris Benoit, Booker T and Triple H can attest to that. You need to wear as little as possible to be more able to use your limbs to the best of your ability. Trousers getting in the way won't cut it. With mat wrestling making up a large proportion of matches, joint protection is almost neccesary. And the gloves? Well, with very few clothes, things can get slippery quite quickly. On the flip-side, the WWE Heavyweight title is definitely more of the brawler's paradise. Wrassle-tainment is more important than chain wrestling here. Denim shorts hitting it big? Long tights and leotards more prevalent? Style is clearly in the eye of the beholder. Ignoring the pure wrestling tradition, these wrestlers go for more outlandish fashions. The brawling element is backed up by the excessive use of wristbands, which protects the wrist when punching and chopping. Brock Lesnar (one of the better champions) may have been technically gifted, but his sheer size meant he could brawl with the best of them. John Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield are two of the longest-reigning champions here, and brawling plays right into their hands. Literally. Dress For The Job You Want So, after a few hours of statistical work on my part, and a few minutes of reading on yours, we've come to the not-so-surprising conclusion that our cliché is very apt to describe the wrestling business. Imagine being a wrestler again. Go on. Now look around you. Is the company you're working for more of the sports-entertainment brand of wrestling with crazy pyrotechnics and insane gimmick matches? Or is more of a low-key brand that takes pride in its champions and enjoys its wrestling pedigree? Answer these questions and you'll now know exactly how to dress for success. Just for god's sake don't wear a leotard. That’s my field of view. Spare Ribs The Mutton Award For Severe Ineptitude Judgment Day. More specifically, the last match. The WWE title match between John Cena and the Great Khali. Why not give Khali the title? Cena looks unstoppable now. If he can beat Khali, who has been made to look like a monster, he can beat everyone. It's just getting silly. Khali is awesome and he would've been great with the title. The only thing that would make Khali better is to turn him into a comedy wrestler. Have his translator accidentally make translating mistakes. Khali thinks he's saying one thing, but his translator would say another with Khali being none the wiser. Each week, when Khali's plan doesn't work out, he can chop his translator on the head. For example: Khali [in Indian]: Tell her, I want to take her out for a drink. See? Comedy gold. They're wasting Khali's immense talent by lumbering him with the serious monster bit. Silence of the Lamb Well, there we have it. My first proper main page contribution complete. I really hope you enjoyed it. And if you did, click on me next time. I'll be back next Monday. If not, the Monday after. Either way, I'll always try to pop up on a Monday. Until next time. This is Under the Fleece… over and out. Sheepster DISCLAIMER: This article has been moulded with nothing more than mere subjective opinion and questionable statistics, and any conclusions reached in this column are purely for entertainment purposes. *NEW GALLERY* Hot Photos of Hulk Hogan's YOUNGER MISTRESS & Brooke's Friend!
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