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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Sunday, May 6, 2007 at 6:52 PM EST
It‘s Cena or Bust Welcome back to the column that saw the Mark Henry hype video and immediately broke into a cold sweat, The Nosebleed Section. I am your host, the one called Random, and I’ve got good news…and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first? The good news? Fine. The good news is that after an extended hiatus Morph and I recorded a new edition of Monday Night Countdown yesterday afternoon. I’d just gotten a new computer and couldn’t wait to use it to produce the show, after finally getting rid of the memory damaged stone age piece of crap I’d been working with, that takes roughly two hours to mix one show. We recorded the show, and despite a somewhat depressing Top 10 list we thought it was a pretty decent little comeback show. The bad news? The bad news is two-fold. First, apparently Windows XP (my new operating system, I really like it and haven’t been impressed with what I’ve seen of Vista) has a built in “noise suppression” driver for recording which caused me to sound like I was recording underwater or in a tin can. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the phone I normally use to communicate with Morpheus with during recording took a shit right before we started recording, causing me to use my cell phone, which APPARENTLY causes significant feedback in the microphone and made the recording almost unbearable. So to make a long story short, I’ve decided to scrap the recorded episode of the MNC and our beloved fans will just have to wait another week for the return episode. I’ve since resolved all of our technical issues, but I’m just not comfortable throwing yesterday’s episode out there, it was THAT bad, and it just wasn’t up to our standards. Maybe some day I’ll make it available as the “lost episode” or something, maybe break up the segments into something useable, but until then, I’m just gonna do it kids. Sorry, we appreciate your patience with us, life has just caught up to both of us the last few weekends. Speaking of MNC, we are coming up on the one-year anniversary, so I suppose I should be trying to come up with something creative to do. Hmm… --Congrats to former Lop Forums columnist Zuma, who recently announced to the online world that he and his wife are expecting their first child. That’s awesome man and I’m sure you’ll be a great father if you can put down the pipe long enough to change a diaper. Zuma used to write a damn fine column called “The New Joint” before giving way to another format entitled “Viva La Lucha” and if he’d ever get back to writing on a consistent basis I’ve no doubt he’d be joining me on the main page. Congrats again man, life as you know it has ceased to exist I’m sure. --All the way up to column #90? Guess I need to start figuring out what the hell I'm going to do for number one-hundred. --Memo to the wrestling world: Bring back Chris Jericho. --I’m seriously impressed with some of the ring work I’ve seen on WWE TV recently. Last week’s edition of Smackdown featured a couple very entertaining matches and one exceptional one in Kennedy vs. Hardy, though I can’t figure out why Hardy went over. The match two weeks ago between Cena and Michaels that went over an hour was my early pick for match of the year, or at least Free TV match of the year. Rumors are circulating that Vince wants to cut his shows to 90 minutes down from the standard two-hours. This is simply asinine to me given that if the WWE is truly having a difficult time filling a two hour timeslot (a problem that I’m sure TNA would LOVE to have) then why turn the performers lose and have these extended matches on a bit more regular of a basis? It’s something that I think quickens the pace of the show, and by making the matches appear more competitive it elevates the entire roster by making on man look like a competitor and the other look stronger by having overcome in a difficult match. It’s a win-win for the WWE, plus that’s one or two less segments backstage which can be occasionally monotonous. --One promotion that has benefited from extended matches is Ring of Honor. The company has been built around pure professional-wrestling, with minimal storylines and they have routinely sent matches well into the 20-30 minute range and often much longer than that. Now, honestly I’m not a huge fan of such things, I think it’s very easy for a match to go too long especially when it’s between two characters who have little to do with each other who have little to no-back story between them. The reason HBK/Cena can survive an hour is because they had an exceptional feud going and phenomenal storytelling in the match itself. Watching two guys I may not know anything about trade holds for an hour can get a little boring. Still Roh has produced some very entertaining work, a number of viable stars in the wrestling business (Samoa Joe, CM Punk) and I’m very glad to hear about their recent PPV deal. This should make the wrestling industry we all love that much stronger. --Speaking of Samoa Joe, how has gone from being the hottest entity in professional wrestling to tagging with Rhino against Bubba Ray and D-Von in a non-title matchup? What…the…fuck?? I never thought that Joe was going to be the next Stone Cold Steve Austin, the guy who would bring wrestling back into the mainstream, but he’s most certainly a great performer and was somebody that TNA should have been building their promotion around. Instead, they seem to have de-pushed him away from the main event scene and into a seemingly random feud with Christopher Daniels yet again. TNA is pissing away opportunity after opportunity, and frankly it’s starting to depress me. Here’s a very scary proposition for you. In roughly three weeks we may very well be looking at a Judgment Day card that will be featuring Mark Henry vs. Batista for the World Title, John Cena vs. The Great Kahli for the WWE Title and some sort of gimmicky mess featuring ECW World Champion, Vince McMahon. What the hell happened? I am a WWE guy. Yes, I’m a fan of most all sports-entertainment, yes I watch TNA on a weekly basis, yes I download the occasional RoH, NJPW, or other federations. But I am and always have been a WWE guy first. I can’t help it. While others are bitching about the “sports-entertainment” I’m cracking up at DX, while some bitch about the slow work-rate I appreciate story telling and loath a spot-fest like testicular cancer. It’s conditioning, no doubt. I have been conditioned to love the WWE product. Raw is my heroine. Yet with the premise of a main event scene that will feature a jacked up former bouncer who is only slightly above average ring performer, a sixty-one year old business man, and two guys that collectively hold the maneuverability of the Pyramids at Giza, I’m genuinely beginning to doubt my loyalty to wrestling perhaps for the first time ever. See, it doesn’t take much to entertain me, it really doesn’t. I’m an incredibly simple minded creature, shit give me something shiny and I’m occupied for an hour, a bottle of Rum and I’m good for the night, and a nice set of boobs will occupy me for weeks at a time. Shit an ugly set will hold me attention for a couple days. Consider my immature personality when combined with blind loyalty and conditioned desires for all things WWE and it’s no wonder that I border on WWE Fanboy. Even still, if they seriously trot out that lineup for next month’s Pay-Per-View, Judgment Day, even I will be forced to seriously consider the time spent on my wrestling fandom. Seriously, how many columns can a guy write about that? How many Monday Night Countdowns can possibly be recorded when the main event scenes for all three shows of the biggest promotion in the business are complete and utter shit? To me, what this all boils down to is quite simply, John Cena. Now to those of you who fancy yourselves unabashed Cena haters believe me when I say “I hear you.” I really do. I didn’t always mind you, a little over a year ago I wrote a column completely baffled with the Cena hate that was overflowing arena’s around the world. Having been subjected however to a title reign that has spanned 21 of the last 24 months, when the other three months were spread over two different men (Edge and RVD) and three months, it’s mind boggling really. Furthermore, while Cena has had more than a few incredible matches in that time (something I don’t think he ever gets credit for) his ring work has for the large part failed to evolve beyond an incredibly monotonous and predictable “five moves of doom”. It’s important to note though, that I think the reasoning for this is quite clear in that the large majority of Cena fans, the ones who gobble up T-shirts like Paris Hilton gobbling down cock, are kids. Those kids LOVE IT when they can anticipate what’s going to happen next, it’s just the way it is. In many ways, Cena’s greatest strength is his curse-kids and women love him. For many of the same reasons women and children love the guy, adult men loath him. It makes me wonder how in the hell Hogan EVER held onto the belt for ten years as a baby face. I understand that the cultures are radically different now and the wrestling landscape is drastically different than it was back then, but how is it that anyone is supposed to stay face now? I genuinely wonder what it would take endear one’s self to the WWE fan base these days. Consider the WWE’s most over superstars, in particular the baby-faces. Prior to injury I’d say that Triple H was probably the most “over” face in the company but that is largely due to spending the better part of the last five years as the most hated man in the industry, including a two-year stretch of the classic “bad heat” where he was hated for non-kayfabe reasons. (2002-2003) Dave Batista remains over with the fans after nearly two years at the top and as a face, but his “governess” benefits from extended time on the disabled list which helps to refresh the minds eye of wrestling fans. The Undertaker has no doubt been hella-over as a baby-face as well, but consider that his work schedule keeps him out of the public eye for weeks if not months at a time, and that his minimal mic-work prevents him from becoming over exposed, not to mentioned the fact that ’Taker carries with him a “legend” tag that keeps him over in the mind of fans. Shawn Michaels may be the best example of somebody’s who’s been able to sustain “face heat” for an extended period of time though I would argue that HBK also benefits from “legend” status and that Shawn sans DX doesn’t carry nearly the weight in merchandise sales that Cena does, nor does he corner the female/kid market the way Cena does. HBK’s overness is in the much harder to sway adult male demographic, which is impressive, but it stems from factors Cena simply cannot compete with. All this points to a very awkward situation with one John Cena, who despite doing almost everything he can to endear himself to the fans simply has not been able to earn the respect of all of the WWE fan base. Now however, he may not have a choice. John Cena has been hand-picked by the WWE to carry their cross, to be the flag bearer of the company into it’s next era, post-Austin, post-Rock, post-Attitude. Following several years of disarray the WWE finally began to build some new superstars and it was evident from the early days of his “Thug” character on Smackdown that John Cena might be the guy to carry that flag. Yet with the dismissal of that persona came a backlash from fans who now find everything Cena says to be cliché and rehearsed, who find everything he does stale, and who have quite frankly given up on John Cena. This is real trouble for the WWE right now. John Cena has done an admirable job battling through the adversity to do everything he can, yet he always seems handcuffed to me. The WWE just doesn’t want Cena to be the next Austin, they wanted him to be the next Rock, and unfortunately without a bit more “heel” in him, he simply can’t be either. Austin benefited from a persona that was the epitome of the anti-hero during a time when such a persona was new and never before seen in the American wrestling scene. Rock on the other hand spent a great deal of time as a heel until people were BEGGING to see him go face, in much the same way Cena did, but Rock always maintained a certain amount of that heel persona-the way he remained over as a face was by doing many of the same things he did as heel. He treated people like shit, dropped catchphrase after catchphrase and ran people into the ground. Now, I’m not saying Cena is as good as The Rock when it comes to working the mic, simply put I don’t think anybody is. I do however think that given the right creative freedom and the right opponents to play of off, Cena could be much more effective than what he is now. And quite simply, he’s going to have to be. The WWE seems to lack the faith in Shawn Michaels that the IWC so adamantly expresses and even after an exceptional feud with Cena, great build up, two four star matches and one five star classic, the WWE still doesn’t seem willing to let Shawn Michaels run with the ball. Randy Orton, another center-piece of the WWE’s future, can’t seem to stop acting like a spoiled rich teenager and realize that despite the roar of prosti-tots all around the country, he’s not the second coming of Christ. At the rate he’s going he’ll be lucky to be with the company in a year, so he just doesn’t seem to be the guy that the WWE is willing to gamble on. Triple H is hurt, King Booker is hurt, Rey Mysterio is hurt and short, and now The Undertaker is looking to miss the rest of this year with a torn bicep. Fans have already begun to slowly turn on Dave Batista (this would be more evident were he not benefiting from some piped in crowd pops during the recorded Smackdown) and even if he were as over as he once was, at age 38 he’s simply not going to be the guy the company can invest in for the future, though he will certainly help serve as a band-aid until some of the top-tier talent returns. Desperate times do occasionally call for desperate measures. The WWE may be forced to finally give Edge a chance to really shine as he’s shown that he can indeed handle the pressure of being a main event performer and doesn’t look at all out of place with the strap. However, with the belt on Edge there are ZERO options for Edge on Raw that have not already be exhausted. On Smackdown, Edge vs. Batista could be a big money feud but too much of Edge’s character is imbedded on Raw. The WWE may pull the plug on what looks to be a year-long wait before putting the Heavyweight title on Mr. Kennedy, though they need to start evaluating what exactly it is that they have with him and they need to figure it out sooner rather than later. The only way to do that, is to give him some rope and let him run. In lieu of having run out of options for all of its top stars the WWE appears set to use guys like Mark Henry, The Great Kahli, and Vince himself to serve as stop-gaps until some guys return from injury, some big signings occur (Jericho?). There is an outside possibility that new stars may be born (CM Punk, Carlito, Mr. Kennedy) or found (Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Chris Benoit, Tommy Dreamer). None of these seem to be viable options for the WWE over the course of the next three-six months. The company can surely survive, the WWE is a LONG way from going under and are by far the beast of the wrestling universe. Yet I can’t help but fear that they are headed towards what could be a truly hellacious few months for them, which is a shame because over the course of the last 12-16 months the company seemed to be in a real upswing. And it may not be any small coincidence that during the vast majority of that time period, John Cena has been the focus of the company both in the ring, out of the ring, and in the mainstream. The door is wide open now for John Cena to open up his character and develop it in ways never before seen. The WWE have a lot of resources invested in John Cena and they have no choice now but to turn to him as the guy who can carry the company through what may be a very lean summer. If Cena is to remain a baby face than he’s going to have to get a bit “ballsier” in his face approach and start running some people into the ground in a truly hilarious fashion. The faux-marine gimmick is dead, and the WWE is beating a dead horse every week Cena comes out in camouflage and does that retarded fucking salute. A return to a more ‘thug’ Cena combined with an edgier persona might be enough to rescue his face-ness, and create enough of a buzz within all of fandom to hold the WWE afloat. Still, imagine if Cena gets into a short program with Kahli, defeats him cleanly, and still gets booed? Can you hear him now? “I beat Big Foot and still you boo me? The man who pinned the Undertaker and Kane with one foot, I make him tap-out, and still you boo me?” Such a reaction could spin Cena into a level of heeldom not seen by the WWE in a LONG time. Imagine if Cena turned on the Chain Gang, turned on the girls popping when he takes his shirt off, and turned on the middle school boys waving their hands in front of their face. He’d become the biggest heel the company has seen in five years, just in time to pick up his feud with Shawn Michaels which could run just long enough until Triple H is ready to return and reform DX. A returning Triple H will be OVER and a newly turned Cena will be getting booed like nobody else since Hunter himself in 2002. That storyline could easily run through Summer Slam and perhaps up to Survivor Series. And by then who knows what will be going on. Regardless of which path they choose, the WWE has limited options at this point. It’s Cena or bust for the company, and I’m sure many of you are betting on the WWE throwing Craps. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you for feeling that way. However, I for one am willing to wager that John Cena may finally be getting ready to emerge into the star the WWE has always thought he would be. The opportunity is certainly there. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch While its probably not any of my business to be telling you this, I‘m going to anyway. I called MNC co-host Morpheus this morning to discuss the suck that is our last show and found him sounding a bit disheartened. Now, normally that‘s nothing new, Morph often sounds like shit when he first answers the phone because more often than not he‘s sleeping or drunk when I call, but this time he‘d apparently spent all night in the hospital after some fucker in a Chevy Silverado. swerved out from nowhere last night and totaled the car he was riding in, sending Morph, his roommate Candice and another friend to the hospital. All of the people involved are relatively fine with nobody in critical condition or anything, but still it sucks for Morphy and his friends as they’re all pretty banged up. People need to learn how to drive…Get well soon Morphy and friends. Cannon Fodder As readers of my last column will note I‘m becoming a huge fan of Mixed Martial Arts and UFC in particular. So when Lop Forums member and one of the head-writers of LPW Steve contacted me ranting and raving about the amazing matchups that were going to come from UFC‘s signing of Mirko “Cro Crop“ I was excited. I read the stories, and watched the You Tube videos of him destroying opponents in Japan and was excited as hell to watch him in action two-weeks ago. Then, the guy goes and gets himself KNOCKED THE HELL OUT at the hands of Gabriel Gonzaga. If anybody wants to continue to believe that UFC is a “work” I point you to that fight. Cro Crop was supposed to be the next big thing in the UFC and his looming title match with Randy Couture was already being hyped until he stepped in and lost the #1 Contenders Match. UFC is some entertaining stuff man. Cheap Pop If you yearn for more wrestling columns than what you can find on the Lop Main Page I‘d recommend checking out the Columns Forum of www.lopforums.com. While you‘re there, you can check out one of my favorite columnists, Leviathan and his newest offering On The Couch: Used Cars. It’s good stuff and Levy is probably amongst the frontrunners for a main page call-up sometime relatively soon. Of course I’ve no official say-so in that process so my opinion is about as important as yours, but give him a read and hopefully you’ll enjoy some of the great talent lurking around Lop. Well that’s just about gonna wrap things up here for me kiddies. I usually post my stuff on Saturdays but hopefully the boss will forgive me just this once. Saturday sucked but I found some time to write on Sunday. Of course this means that I’ll likely be competing with another splendid edition of “The Boss Report” but so be it, if he can’t take the heat he can get out of the kitchen too. Be on the lookout next week for a new edition of Monday Night Countdown, hopefully by then I’ll have all of my shit together regarding the technical aspects of things and Morph and I can get back in the saddle. Until that time, I am the one called Random saying thanks for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Free internet radio station ran by yours truly featuring all the best in hard rock and mainstream metal. If it seems like anything you’d be interested in listening to, give it a spin while you’re reading through some columns on Lop or The Project. We internet radio junkies may be in trouble so if you’ve got a few minutes to spare visit Live365.com and click on the “call your representative” link and try and help save Internet Radio. I’d appreciate it.
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