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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, April 29, 2007 at 3:12 AM EST
 What to do, what to do. Shall I piss and moan about Randy Orton and his laundry list of fuck-ups in the land of sports-entertainment? Or shall I churn out a preview for a pay-per-view that is arguably so predictable that I may as well label it a review? Choices, choices. Oh, to hell with it, I'll do both. With the shallowness of the two subjects, I may as well lop them together to create the illusion of having a column covering two entirely valid subjects that haven't at all been done to death this week by columnists both better and worse than yours truly. It'll be my own double feature. So, let's just talk about Randy Orton and get it out of the way. Quite frankly, when it comes to the employability of most professional wrestlers, I am supremely apathetic. There are days when it seems that WWE has a revolving door policy on who they bring on their telecasts. A wrestler shows up with a marginally entertaining gimmick or wrestling style, he floats around the midcard for a few months to a couple years, then disappears into the bargain basement that is TNA ... or if they're lucky, a decent pay day in Japan. Then there are the odd few that actually manage to get an audible response from me when I hear news that they've been reprimanded or released from WWE. When Billy Gunn (Kip James to the hayseeds in Orlando) was given his walking papers, I sighed with relief. WWE had finally pulled the trigger on getting rid of the guy who could arguably be referred to as the black hole of heat. His one claim to fame was getting saddled with Road Dogg in '97 as a tag-team, which got over thanks to the “Attitude” WWE was displaying at the time. This allowed him to generally act like an ass on camera rather than remind people how completely forgettable/regrettable he was in the ring from bell to bell. To hear him bitch and whine about being released, HHH, and anything else he could think of to draw attention away from the fact that he probably should have been released years before, you'd think WWE had somehow made a mistake in getting rid of him. WWE didn't make a mistake, however, and Rockabilly has yet to prove otherwise. For some reason that escapes me as furtively as how Hardcore Holly remains to be employed by Titan Towers, Billy Gunn remained on WWE's payroll far longer than validated by his talents. Tag-team specialist? Ha. Just because the guy was so lacking in ability to get over as a singles wrestler, he was thrown into countless haphazard tandems with guys that were either too green or too gray to be bothered with a singles push, does not make you a tag-team specialist. If that were the case, we'd be calling Viscera a tag-team specialist by now. And believe me ... when that day comes, the sun will turn as black as sackcloth. So, with WWE's track record of handing people pink slips to Superstars that have outlived their usefulness, I can't help but shake my head just a little bit when I read an article describing how Randy Orton did something bad ... again ... and instead of handling the situation in a manner that befits it, WWE gives the guy a slap on the wrist and makes him sit in the corner until recess. I know WWE likes to hang on to their investments and all from time to time, but even Beatniks have a breaking point before they give their unruly kids a smack on the ass and put the fear o' God into them. Now, I'm not an insider. Shocker, I know. As a fan though, I have to do a double-take sometimes to see what one wrestler can get away with and another can't. Two years ago, Rhino throws a flower pot in a hotel lobby. He got fired before he even had a chance to fetch the mint off his pillow. This year, Randy Orton finds a way to cause $50,000+ worth of damages to a hotel room and he gets a fine and an early plane ride home to rest up before his main event appearance this weekend. Fifty thousand dollars, there's a price tag that would make even The Who raise an eyebrow. Either Orton had rented a penthouse suite that night, or destroyed the room by totaling a $40,000 car through the wall of the place. Maybe the price-tag is inflated a wee bit, let's say. Lord knows that the dirt sheets aren't exactly batting 1.000 when it comes to journalistic accuracy. WWE still took the time to acknowledge Orton's behavior on their website and announce that action was being taken. So, we at least know that the guy fucked up enough for his employers to publicly state they were aware of what had happened and were doing something about it. How many times does this make for Randy Orton to do some bonehead move that sheds a bad light on not only himself, but WWE as a whole? If the dirt sheets are even only half right about what Orton has pulled in his days with WWE, that's still a heckuva lot of stuff. I don't think the guy is terrible in the ring, mind you, and I'll be the last one to ever say he was as untalented as Billy Gunn (I could never be that cruel). It's just that I cannot imagine a reason why a headache like Orton still has a job with WWE after all this time, given his immature and destructive behavior. Surely, the man is no wizard in the ring or on the mic. If not for being nestled safely under the wings of Ric Flair and Triple H for so long, he'd have faded into obscurity long ago. He's a good hand, I'll admit, but so was Rhino and others who have been released for less damage than what Orton has wrought. Is it as simple as WWE not wanting to give up on all the investment they've put into his character? How many times have they thrown the guy into the main event? And how many times has it hit the floor with a dull thud? Sure, he is still young and still learning (arguably), but he's just not the “future of wrestling” that WWE was banking on. If this guy were a farm, the bank would have foreclosed on him long ago, but WWE continues to pour money into him in hopes of seeing some kind of a return. I may be as much a financial expert as I am a wrestling insider, but even I can see that Randy Orton is just not worth the time and effort that Vince McMahon & Co are putting in to make this man a marquee player. It's just not going to happen, and fans and critics alike are starting to see that. So, the world keeps turning and Randy Orton remains a central fixture in the WWE roster. If they're so afraid that TNA might sign him up as quickly as WWE would get rid of him, fine. Hang onto the guy and try eleventy more times to get the guy over as the “future of wrestling.” I truly believe though, there's going to come a point where even Vince McMahon is going to have to cut his losses and send Randy Orton packing. I can't imagine what Orton will have to do to make that happen. If the crap he's pulled so far hasn't managed to get him fired, I am just not sure what will. At this point, humping Stephanie's leg during a production meeting then shitting in her purse would probably just get him a time-out and no dessert. Enough about the Legend Killer. Backlash is here ... or if you're reading this after Sunday, Backlash is back there somewhere. Like I said at the top of the column, this show looks so predictable I may as well make this a review rather than a preview. We're right on top of Backlash and the show has six matches booked. Aside from the Women's match, they're six matches that have been hyped reasonably well. Whether you're actually looking forward to any of the six is completely up to you, but you've got to admit that WWE has at least invested time in building the stories for these matches. Vince will probably green light one - maybe even two - more matches that day, but the meat and potatoes of the show is with what they're advertising right now. WWE Women's Title – Mickie James vs © Melina: Sadly, these girls had to abandon their feud for a while so WWE could capitalize on Ashley's run as a Playboy covergirl. Judging from how much of an eyesore that Lumberjill match was at WrestleMania, WWE was all too quick in getting back to Melina's feud with Mickie. This match will be infinitely better than what we saw at Mania, and I predict it will also be a lot better than that over-rated Lockdown match that Gail Kim and Jackie Moore participated in (Seeing TNA marks call that the best women's match in years makes me sick to my stomach). Melina's going to win, simple as that. Mickie won the belt in Europe for about a minute before dropping it back to Melina in what I assume was a mild effort in building last minute interest in this match. Out of all the matches advertised, this one is the redheaded stepchild. So goes the Women's Division these days though, but at least they're not treated as poorly as Smackdown's Cruiserweight Division. Expect good things from the match, as far as women's wrestling goes, but don't expect another win for Mickie. US Heavyweight Title – © Chris Benoit vs MVP: The guy may have one of the most underwhelming debuts in WWE history, but I'll be damned if MVP isn't growing on me. Reports keep popping up lately about how he has become a real student of the game backstage, watching tapes, and training hard. He's no darling of the Puro marks, but give the guy credit for improving to a remarkable degree. I think those rumors of Benoit moving to Raw have pretty much fizzled out, but I still see MVP walking away with the belt in this match. He's been one-upped by Benoit enough over the last month or so, which means that it's just about time for MVP to do his underhanded little deed to steal the title away from the Crippler. And that kind of ending could only be good news for both guys, as MVP starts a reign and etches his name in the upper echelon of Smackdown, while Benoit hopefully gets propelled into a meaningful feud with one of the big boys in WWE. Benoit is basically enhancement talent these days, but that doesn't mean he can be hotshot back into the limelight for one more main event feud. World Tag-Team Title - © The Hardys vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch: Murdoch's horrendous looking finisher from Raw this week not withstanding, I'm actually looking forward to this match. I may be in the minority, but I will freely admit that I enjoy seeing Cade & Murdoch back together as a team. I may echo the sentiments of that “shoot” interview on WWE.com of those two berating the IWC for saying they don't deserve their spots, but I have to say that these two may be the most under appreciated team in wrestling today. Just because WWE hasn't been able to think up anything meaningful to do with them for months on end, that doesn't mean they're unworthy of getting another shot at the limelight. The Hardys need people to work with, and until WWE stops sitting on their thumbs and starts investing in their tag-team divisions again, Cade & Murdoch will do just fine as competition. The Hardys will win until a breakout team comes along or two prominent singles stars are shackled together again, but I think this will be a decent match for them. The Redneck Wrestling Crew, as they called themselves in that WWE interview, bring a nice change of pace to what we've seen in pay-per-view tag matches lately – brutality. They're not technical magicians, they're brawlers ... and they do a good job at it, if you ask me. I just hope Murdoch stops trying to be a Luchador with that ugly sunset flip he attempted this past week. Hoo boy, that was ugly. Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Title – Batista vs © Undertaker: I wouldn't mind seeing this match be given top billing, honestly. They performed very well at Mania given their respective limitations, and the gimmick added to this match suits them all too well. Batista might be a polished turd, but when he's got his head in the game he can help prevent a match from becoming a floater. And now that the roles of champion and challenger have been reversed, there seems to be an emotional investment in the storyline. It's not much, and could have definitely been demonstrated better through the booking over the last few weeks, but it's enough for me to look forward to this match more than just about all the others. While I wouldn't be terribly shocked to see Batista win the belt back this weekend, Undertaker is the safe bet here. I have a feeling that Batista could either be turning heel to carry the feud over for another month, or Mark Henry will interject himself to make in a three-way feud for the belt heading into Judgment Day. I doubt we'll see Mr. Kennedy cash in his MITB shot any time soon, and there really aren't that many players to be thrust into the main event scene opposite Undertaker. So, unless Benoit takes a run for the belt or a draft of some kind introduces a new player on the Smackdown main event scene, this Batista/Undertaker storyline is going to remain for at least one more month. 3-on-1 Handicap Match for the ECW World Title - © Bobby Lashley vs Umaga, Vince McMahon, & Shane McMahon: I can appreciate the fact that Vince McMahon wants to get Lashley over as one of his very top talents, especially considering how Randy Orton is failing miserably at that very thing. What I don't appreciate is this indestructible gimmick that Lashley is basically playing. It's like Goldberg, Lesnar, and Cena all rolled into one. I predicted a while ago that this attempt to push Lashley as some kind of “Superman” will eventually backfire if they're not careful. It doesn't help that the guy still looks like a deer in the headlights whenever he's working with more than one opponent. Betting on Lashley on pay-per-view is safer than betting on the Harlem Globetrotters at this point, so expect him to beat the odds yet again ... and probably is swift fashion too. What I'd love to see though – and this is purely in a morbid bit of curiosity on my part – is Vince McMahon win the ECW World Title. Let's face facts ... Vince McMahon is not a fan of the old ECW anymore than it was a great place for his writers to plagiarize gimmicks and storylines. Seeing the ECW belt wrapped around the waist of Vince McMahon could be the final “fuck you” to Paul Heyman's vision of ECW. Can you imagine a single act that would draw the ire of Heyman loyalists, and Heyman himself, than to see that belt awarded in a match to the millionaire that basically bastardized the entire memory of Extreme Championship Wrestling? I sure can't. Fatal Fourway for the WWE Title – © John Cena vs HBK vs Edge vs Randy Orton: If this match doesn't end with Cena pinning Orton, I'll be shocked. I won't be pissed, but I'll damned sure be surprised at any outcome that doesn't involve both John Cena retaining and Randy Orton getting one more little slap on the wrist for his “European Vacation” hijinx. The match should be okay, but I'm hard pressed to recall a fatal fourway ever in history that came close to being memorable. If any of you can name a classic fatal fourway, let me know. At any rate, I'm more curious as to the aftermath of this match. Cena wins yet again, but where does he go from here? A feud with Edge again? It's been done, and while it's something I wouldn't mind seeing again, it isn't likely to happen. A feud with Orton? I hope not, at least not right away. A continuation with Michaels? I suppose so, as they're matches have been very good, but how long can two babyfaces work a feud and both remain “good”? Check it out. Two half-assed columns slapped together to make one giant ass of a column. I'm a genius. Well, that'll wrap it up for this time around. If you've got any questions, comments, or utterances or hellfire and brimstone, just send me an e-mail at bossfoxx@gmail.com or leave some feedback on the LoP Forums. In the meantime, keep reaching for that rainbow, kids. And here it is ... your moment of Zen.  Hey, ladies. Who's up for some sexual harrassment? *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING Up Close BACK Shots of WWE's Maryse! WOW!
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