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Submitted by Big Brother on Thursday, March 29, 2007 at 10:10 PM EST
 BIG BROTHER: Welcome everyone to the most anticipated return of BaD News. How is everyone doing? Fine we hope. It's been a while with the preparation for the Floppy Awards Show (if you didn't read it, you've missed something and should go check it out in the Columns Forums). We really wanted to do another column right after but we had to heal our injuries first. With me as usual is my good pal and COTM winner Degenerate. How are you doing? DEGENERATE: Before being abducted, I've been doing well. I'm trying to keep the Columns Forum from dropping off the face of this planet, giving feedback to everyone and writing cool stuff that most people like. You know, kinda like you used to do a long time ago. Besides that, and my Machiavellian plans to dominate the world and win COTM and earn a Main Page spot, I'm planning on leaving this island and moving to someplace nice. You know, someplace not like Canada. BIG BROTHER: As long as you don't come over to Canada, it will still be a nice place. But back to the column for a second, today we will drop our usual format to bring our readers a special edition entirely about Wrestlemania. Predictions, previsions and stupidities will be the name of the game. DEGENERATE: Isn't that what we normally do? Particularly the stupidities. We should be known for that already. BIG BROTHER: Yeah but we will have some readers unused to our unique style. DEGENERATE: You don't have any style other than taking way too long before getting to the point. BIG BROTHER: True. Joining us tonight is our usual prediction partner and fellow Main Pager DaveyBoy. How are you doing? DAVEYBOY: I’m doing just fine Big Sister. All is going fairly well for me right now. WrestleMania is on its way, I have next week off work & the Australian football season is just about to kick off. The only thing that has gone wrong of late is that similarly to Mrs Regenerate (or whatever your Puerto Rican girlfriends name is), I was contacted by your lawyers saying something about some contract I signed that meant I had to take part in this damn column. By the way, did you just say that you ladies had a “unique style”? Yeah, that’s one way of putting it! BIG BROTHER: It's the only logical way to put it. I couldn't start insulting my own writing you know. So how about we finally get things started? DEGENERATE: Since this is a super-mega-ultra special edition of the BaD News, we're going to speak about which angle is the biggest, in our opinions, thus far for Wrestlemania. BIG BROTHER: And to me, the biggest angle has to involve the most consistent wrestler in Wrestlemania history. Of course I'm talking about HBK facing Cena for the WWE title. Degenerate, you should know by know how much I hate Cena. DEGENERATE: I think you have been more than clear on more than one occasion. Didn't you promised Eddie Guerrero's spirit to send him Cena? BIG BROTHER: Amongst other things. He also wanted his wife and I'll admit, after seeing her on TV for some weeks, I thought about it. But I couldn't do it. I think heaven is better off without her for now. Anyway, even though I absolutely hate Cena, I know for a fact this match will rock. In one corner we'll see the showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, the only man alive who could still make Hulk Hogan look good. And in the other corner, Cena is able to have better matches than the Hulkster. At least in their current body state. For an event as big as this, I know Cena will up his game two or three notches as he did in the past and this will blow our minds off. I just know it. DEGENERATE: You know, these past years, Raw has been the more "dominant" brand, as far as having more memorable matches in the card. This year is no different. Yeah, there are some nice matches that should prove to be good, but most of us have our minds on Cena and Shawn Michaels. Could it be that we're expecting so much more from the HBK / Cena match-up? Maybe. But you know, the angle that really has me going is the Kane vs. Khali one. BIG BROTHER: Of course you do. Uh... What? Wait. You are serious? Are you fucking serious? Oh my God, all that chloroform I used must have scrambled your brain cells. I knew I shouldn't had used all the bottle. Now I have a retard for a broadcast partner. Oh wait... I already had one to begin with. DEGENERATE: Shut up. My brain isn't scrambled. I'm really looking forward to this match... Just to see how dumb, stupid, pointless and lame it will actually be. I'm actually betting a couple of bucks that this will turn into a shoot fight by Kane after we gets pissed off at the fact that he'll most likely job to this man who will most likely be canned soon, and the fact that he won't offer anything wrestling-wise, outside of the HUGE CHOP and MASSIVE HEADBUTT! At least a shoot fight is virtually the only thing that can save that match from being probably the worse on a Wrestlemania card ever. BIG BROTHER: I'll bet HHH will disagree with that one. He still has occasional nightmares of his match against Warrior. DEGENERATE: Well, thankfully enough they're very short nightmares, maybe 30 seconds long, which is about the duration of the entire match. Because if not, good ol' Hunter would've killed himself a long time ago. BIG BROTHER: I think 30 seconds would also include the duration of the entrances. But seriously this can't be your final answer. This is the biggest match of the night for you? Man! It takes a sick man not to find anything bigger or meaningful to talk about than the match that defined the death of wrestling. DEGENERATE: Don't you think it's meaningful? BIG BROTHER: Well from that point of view, I guess. But come on now. Tell our readers which match you think will be the biggest of the night. Give them an opinion they can at least "kind-of" agree with. DEGENERATE: It'll be so cliché to mention the match between Shawn Michaels and John Cena, because I'm sure Shawn Michaels will not disappoint. So I'm going on a limb and say that the Battle of the Billionaires match will be the biggest of the night, as far as entertainment value goes. Remember last year's battle between Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon? Many thought it would be dumbed down because of Vince's limited skills. But the entertainment value was just off the charts. This time, not only will the entertainment value be great outside of the ring, with McMahon and Trump up to their old shenanigans, but the entertainment inside should be great as well, as Lashley and Umaga have proven to be capable performers. So if I couldn't choose Shawn Michaels this year, this is the next match I'm looking forward to. BIG BROTHER: So, to sum it up, this year is again all about the Raw brand who showed us they have the biggest angles. Isn't that the end of the story? Now let's go to our next segment... BIG BROTHER: So since you think Kane vs. Khali is the match to watch, I'll guess that you are looking forward to Melina and Ashley title match. DEGENERATE: Now why would I do that? I'm only looking towards the Kane / Khali match because I want to see how amazing Kane's patience actually is. If one of these women gets fed up with the other, they'll probably just end up crying on their way backstage to Finlay or someone who actually cares. BIG BROTHER: You think anyone really care? They just want to take a closer peek at those boobs. Okay then how about the two 8-men matches. On one side you have a crazy, high-risk, spotfest, cheating death, jaw dropping match and on the other side... you have ECW. Deg, do you think there is any chance Vince gave the green light for the ECW crew to do what they can to top the ladder match? DEGENERATE: They can give a green light... Only to notice that the lights malfunctioned and they really wanted to give the dreaded red light. With three out of four ECW Originals apparently on their way out - Damn you, Tommy, you sell-out - I think they won't allow them to look good at all on TV. And it's a shame, as all eight guys have enough talent and charisma, not to mention craziness, to make a great match out of this. Speaking of great matches, Chris Benoit has continued moving lower in the card ever since winning his World Heavyweight Championship three years ago. Seriously, if you were going to have Chris Benoit, I would've preferred if at least the feud would've been given more time. I'd say that MVP still has a long way to go, but his mic skills are surprisingly good, and he's not too shabby in the ring either. I'd expect the young one to elevate his game. He HAS to, or else I'm sure Benoit will break his legs. BIG BROTHER: I'm sure sometimes he feel like he should "break their freaking ankles" but he can't steal the catchphrase of someone who left to play in the minors. So I think we finally covered every match on the card so now is the time to look at our next... DEGENERATE: HEY! Aren't we forgetting something? I swear we left something out... BIG BROTHER: Really? Let's see... Two chicks who we're trying to check out their boobs... A big Punjabi dude who will stink up the place... A clusterfuck of a match between eight people - and the Money In The Bank... I think that was about it. DEGENERATE: No... My senses tell me there's something... BIG BROTHER: Screw you, Spidey. You don't have any extra senses. You barely have the 5 required to be considered alive. You're more like a deadman. DAVEYBOY: Oh for God's sake... You two prattle on more than Vince McMahon during a Raw promo. Gee, I know I am mainly here for my looks… Then again, next to you two, so would Mick Foley…But if you two will allow me to get in a few words before my proper grand entrance & interrupt you girls arguing over what color lipstick you are going to wear while watching WrestleMania, I will answer the question of which match was forgotten by you two and is also the biggest angle of WrestleMania? The answer is simple… It’s the main-event of course. After hinting that he would wrestle for all 3 Titles in the one night following his Royal Rumble win, The Undertaker has spearheaded a very good feud with Batista that even has Vince McMahon confused over the winner! You naysayers are just another part of the anti-SmackDown sentiment all over the Internet. This sentiment’s main defense is that the show is on Friday nights which is when people like you two are out getting picked up by creepy 50 year old men claiming to be rich. BIG BROTHER: Ah... So Degenerate was right. We did forget a match. It's a shame when you think of it because again, like last year, it seemed the Royal Rumble winner didn't get the same treatment as when others like Benoit won it. And Davey, stop kidding yourself. You can mark out like a little bitch for Taker, you can scream all your love to him but there is no way this match is the Main Event. But enough about that already, time to look at some real Main Events. BIG BROTHER: This edition being a special one, we removed the usual news segment to replace it by this one where we'll talk about our favorite Wrestlemania moments, matches or wrestlers. DEGENERATE: How about favorite Wrestlemania crowd signs? BIG BROTHER: ... ok... whatever. DEGENERATE: How about... BIG BROTHER: I said: WHAT-E-VER. Anyway, my favorite WM moment ever comes from an event that disappointed a lot of fans, mostly due to the over-hyping of the event, the WM20 main event an the following hug between Eddie and Benoit. The moment was magical. The match was intense. And most important of all, it featured three of the best storytellers of all time. HHH who, despite being hated for a long period of time, never fails to disappoint. Chris Benoit is in a category all by himself and my favorite clutch wrestler: Shawn Michaels. We've seen him give one of the best ladder match ever against a sub par wrestler more than a decade ago. We've seen his work at WM20, against Austin at WM14 and we've seen how he could make a match against Vince feel special last year. Is there any doubt he will deliver on Sunday? DEGENERATE: Unless God strikes him down in mid-match because of his past sins. I think it'll be a major disappointment if HBK doesn't give us a great performance. Even if it's a four-star match, everyone on the Internet, ourselves included, will most likely bitch about it until Wrestlemania 24. While the hug at the end will always be one of my favorite moments, my absolute favorite moment was at Wrestlemania 12, when Shawn Michaels won the then-WWF Championship in that Iron Man match. Sure, subsequent Iron Man matches have been better, but that match just stands out for me because of all the anticipation. I was 15 when that happened, and I remember how excited I was, and how I had goosebumps whenever one of those awesome Wrestlemania promos between the participants aired. Add the fact that this was the very first time we would see something like this in the WWF, along with having two of the best wrestlers ever competed in that match, and it was bound to be successful. The icing on the cake was having Michaels win the match and seem genuinely emotional when he grabbed the belt in his possession for the very first time, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried along with him. BIG BROTHER: You know, grown men should be ashamed to cry because of a wrestling match. But for you, I'll make an exception. I mean, it's not like you don't have worse things to be ashamed of. Oh well, since we are in the "I'm ashamed to admit it" section, I'll admit that one of my favorite moments include the wrestler I hate most of all today. DEGENERATE: You loved a Cena match from Wrestlemania? BIG BROTHER: No you dumbass, Hulk Hogan. His match against The Rock at WM18 was far from being a technical masterpiece, a spotfest or even memorable because of the in-ring action but this match is the proof that a great crowd with two red hot superstars can make a moment unbelievable despite the match being only passable. DEGENERATE: Unfortunately, I have to agree with you there. In hindsight, it wasn't the best match of all time, but the emotion from the crowd just made this match one that will be talked about for years to come. Really, that's basically the only thing I can remember from that particular Wrestlemania, with exception of the horrible way Chris Jericho lost his Undisputed Championship, capping off the worst championship reign ever - until this past year with Rey Mysterio, of course. Another moment that by itself saved an entire Wrestlemania from being the crappiest ever was the Wrestlemania 13 "I Quit" match between Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin. I remember watching that show, and it was dreadfully boring. A young and totally uncharismatic Rocky Maivia was there giving a boring match. A young Hunter Hearst Helmsley and a recently debuting Chyna also appeared, showing no signs of the future "Game". Even great wrestlers like Owen Hart, The British Bulldog and Mick Foley couldn't pull together a decent tag match, but maybe that was because a post-WCW Vader was involved. I was rapidly falling asleep... until Bret Hart and Steve Austin came out, tore the house down, built it up and tore it down again. Yeah, that was a stupid way of saying it. But just the way these guys put that match together is just incredible. It was the only bright spot in a dull Wrestlemania, and one match I frequently sit down and watch. BIG BROTHER: Even if most of my readers should know by now that I don't like Steve Austin in his current role, or at least not with the type of catchphrase he uses, I'll still admit that he proved to be the MVP for the WWE for a good period of time. Or was it still WWF then? Anyway... another one who has to be considered MVP for a while is Kurt Angle. Who could forget the incredible match between Angle and Benoit back in 2001? this match had everything. The right pacing, the right participants, lots of emotions and such fluid wrestling it has to be called an art form. DEGENERATE: Dude... Are you smoking something? That was at a Royal Rumble, not at Wrestlemania, you forgetful bastard. BIG BROTHER: Do I look like I care? Seriously? This match could have been in a house show in the middle of nowhere, also known as Puerto Rico, and it would still be good enough to make me think it was a Wrestlemania moment. Hey, you know what, screw you. Let's just follow up with the next segment. DAVEYBOY: Hey… You really are a forgetful bastard. Remember your special guest? Don’t I get my say? Don’t answer that as I’m putting in my 10 cents worth anyway. Now what was the question? Oh, that’s right… What was the greatest WrestleMania match or moment ever? With so many to choose from, it’s tough, but I’ll go with the WrestleMania 6 main-event of Hulk Hogan vs The Ultimate Warrior. A huge face vs face match (when it was the exception rather than the rule), great crowd involvement & a terrific final few moments where the result was genuinely in doubt right up until the end. I think this little tike was a little warrior at the time & the memories of this match were so good that I am almost willing to listen to a WCW promo from the crazy man as a repayment of good faith! BIG BROTHER: Man, I'm so sorry. I keep forgetting your very existence. Then again, it's so easy to forget about you. And you must have done some really really nasty stuff to think you need to cleanse your soul with a Warrior promo from WCW. But then again, am I really surprised? Speaking of nasty stuff, I think it's high time we go check out the next segment of the show... DEGENERATE: Weather? What weather? It's not like the show is going to be outdoors or anything. Detroit is going to be fine, all you lucky punks who have tickets should have no weather-related problems getting to Ford Field. There, this segment is over. BIG BROTHER: No way dude. We're contractually obligated to offer this segment, whether you like it or not. It's not my fault you always piss off our guests to the point where they think wiping the floor with your face is their best course of action. Anyway, just chill out. It's not like you're going to do much work, because this week's guest - or should I say, guests - are the participants of the Money In The Bank matchup! DEGENERATE: ALL of them? Damn, I don't think we have enough room. BIG BROTHER: If your fat ass was about 150 pounds lighter... DEGENERATE: Wait... What the fuck did you say? BIG BROTHER: What? Fat ass? DEGENERATE: No... Pounds... You actually know what a pound is? Damn, you Canadians surprise me more every single day. When I least expect it, you'll be using inches and feet instead of centimeters and meters. BIG BROTHER: It's not my fault you feel your measurements are inferior. Anyway, here are the eight wrestlers who will be beating each other up for the briefcase that is most likely empty. Five minutes later... DEGENERATE: Can you speed this up, PLEASE? I'm falling asleep here with all these wrestlers coming out. Why does everyone need to have their own entrance anyway? BIG BROTHER: It was a requirement for their appearance here. Damn, you're grouchy. You can thank the lord Taker wasn’t part of that group cause we’d be here until WM24. Okay, speed the entries up! King Booker is the last entrant, and comes flying through the curtains of the backstage area. KING BOOKER: What the hell was that? Why you push me, dawg? I would kick yo' punk-ass fo' sho'! You lil'... Oh, I'm on camera now. Blessed be thou, peasant. FINLAY: We all know yer British accent is fake. You can stop it now. JEFF HARDY: Yeah, that fake talk really kills my buzz. DEGENERATE: Whatever, just keep the buzz outside of the studio. It's bad enough working with one stoner here. Is someone here sober and grounded enough to read the teleprompter and just end this segment soon? MATT HARDY: It's okay, I'm already used to these people. I'll read the prompter. EDGE: Yeah right, as if you know how to read. If you could read your woman, you wouldn't be a loner right now. MATT HARDY: Dude, do you always need to bring old shit up? RANDY ORTON: Yeah, it's not like people are berating me all the time and calling me a chick abuser or druggie. JEFF HARDY: Wait... Didn't you give me this weed? KENNEDY: All you people need to shut up. I'm the star of this show, because I am... Mr. Kennedy raises his hand, but no microphone comes down. KENNEDY: Dammit, all you people can go to hell. I'm not doing anything without a microphone coming from the rafters. KING BOOKER: I shall take the task ahead, as it truly is only fit for a king. QUEEN SHARMELL: ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! All the tech people in the studio immediately scream in agony as their headsets are thrown from their heads to the floor. DEGENERATE: Uh... Excuse me, Queen? Our microphone equipment is sort of sensitive, and anything louder than the piercing screams that come out of your mouth are picked up directly by our sound guys. Congratulations, you're currently responsible for making most of our staff deaf for the rest of their lives. Thank you VERY much. KING BOOKER: SILENCE! The King needs to give his adoring subjects their weather for... Detroit? I thought this would be for my royal country of England. Ahh, hell nah, I ain't doing this. RANDY ORTON: Ahh, shut up, you pussy, or I'll bang your wife. You know she wants some of this. KING BOOKER: Pussy? I'll show you! King Booker and Randy Orton start trading blows. One of them knocks down Jeff Hardy's joint. JEFF HARDY: My weed! You know how hard it is to get that stuff now that I'm in the WWE? Let's show these people, bro. BIG BROTHER: Who, me? I don't want to fight anyone. Especially those who are bigger than me. MATT HARDY: Not you, you retard. Damn, you Canadians are so dumb. EDGE: Dumb? Not dumb enough to let my best friend steal my bitch. MATT HARDY: I told you not to bring up old shit, you son of a bitch! Edge and the Hardys start a brawl between themselves. During the brawl, Jeff Hardy goes to the top of the roof to attempt a swanton bomb, but he accidentally stands on a microphone stand and knocks it down. KENNEDY: So YOU were the one who sabotaged my entrance! FINLAY: A fight? My name is Finlay... and I LOVE to FIGHT! All the guests in the studio start brawling, and eventually everyone continues fighting backstage... Everyone except CM Punk, who had been quietly standing in a corner ever since the segment started. DEGENERATE: Hey there. Why just standing there? Don't tell me the big bad CM Punk is scared of getting his ass beat. CM PUNK: ... DEGENERATE: HA! Look at this! He's even afraid to answer me! So, all this time I've been getting flak from the peeps in the Columns Forum for all the times I've talked smack about you, I was right all along. You're nothing but an over-rated BIATCH! CM PUNK: ... BIG BROTHER: Are you going to let him talk to you like that? Come on, you can take him on. He's just a bit on the fat side, don't let that fool you. DEGENERATE: Ahh, leave him alone, he isn't even worth giving a verbal beating. BIG BROTHER: You're just going to stand there? Man, I wouldn't want to be you when all the boys find out you got punked out by a Puerto Rican... CM PUNK: WHAT? PUERTO RICAN?!? A PUERTO RICAN?!? I HATE SAVIO VEGA! In one swift move, CM Punk grabs the nearest metal folding chair, leaps on to of the news desk and gives Degenerate a wicked chair shot that knocks him out instantly. CM PUNK: Tell all the other three Boricuas I said hi, bitch. BIG BROTHER: Phew. For a second I was scared I would have to beat Degenerate myself. Well... I guess it's now time to go to a commercial. Wake up, Degenerate, and get those 8 "clean" athletes out of the studio. Stay tuned.  Marijuana - making you as dumb as Jay and Silent Bob since... Dude, I can't remember for how long... BIG BROTHER: For those of you who never read the usual BaD News, we have our own prediction format. We try to predict the quality of the matches on upcoming PPV in an effort to guide your decision to buy a Pay-Per-View or not. To see if our predictions were correct, we'll use DaveyBoy world renowned PPV rating system as the reference. DEGENERATE: Ohhh... (Degenerate slowly gets up). Man, that hurt. BIG BROTHER: Oh, welcome back, sleepy head. When will you learn that even a 5'10'' pussy like CM Punk can still kick your ass into oblivion? DEGENERATE: You know that was a cheap shot. I... uh... His damn Pepsi tattoo hypnotized me. It should be illegal in wrestling. Oh, and before I forget, didn't I tell you that soon you would start using feet and inches for measurements? Bow down to the American superiority! So where are we? Oh, match quality predictions. Cool! Women's Championship - Melina vs Ashley DEGENERATE: All I've been hearing about this match is that it will be just as bad as the Trish Stratus / Christy Hemme catastrophe we had two years ago. While I don't think this one will be that bad, it brings me to my point that no matter how terrible Christy Hemme wrestled, I still miss her being on TV. A lot. My real point? This is just put here for the eye candy. Melina and Ashley will put on their skankiest outfits, flash a lot of skin for the crowd, and in the end we'll just forget about the whole thing, until next year's Wrestlemania, where the next Playboy cover girl will be involved in something just as lame. BIG BROTHER: Well I don't expect much from this match. It's there to remind us of Ashley's Playboy cover. So unless I see tits, which we won't, I'll just hope nobody get hurts and this match is kept to minimum length. Looking at this match really makes me wish we didn't lose Trish, Lita and Molly Holly. I'll hope both girls will bring their A game to the big dance and try to remain very optimistic. Degenerate: 5 - Big Brother: 4.5 DAVEYBOY: I say us 3 storm the show & replace this match ourselves. If Regenerate lost 100 pounds & dressed up like his homeboy Savio Vega, he could take on Big Sister with a Rene Dupree mask on. I could steal Vince & Trump’s thunder by shaving my own head to play the Nathan Jones role as the Special Guest Referee. Sure, I would also then steal all of Stone Cold’s thunder, but he is a has-been anyway & we all know that the big bald Aussie Jones is still the future of sports entertainment! As for the Women’s Title match, you 2 have it pretty much spot on. The bout will most likely just pass or just fail. Kane vs Khali DEGENERATE: We're all human - hopefully. As such, we're usually attracted to sights that are out of the norm. For example, we're all rubber-necking when we drive past a terrible car accident, or when we were in school we used to run to the park where two boys were going to fight. For that reason, I'm sure most of us will have our eyes glued to the screen during this match. However, it won't be because of the wrestling masterpiece we're going to see. It'll be because we'll want to see possibly the most horrible match ever put on a big card, and in ten or twenty years, we can tell our kids that we witnessed a match that was way worse than we could've ever imagined. Oh, and I'll also be waiting to see if Kane snaps. That would make this match totally watchable. BIG BROTHER: You know what, Deg? I think you are wrong. This match could be good. We'll see two of the best... Oh who the hell am I kidding here? I love Kane. I always said he was one of the best big men in the business and it's a shame his only title reign lasted 22 hours and 41 minutes. His character is strong enough that he can realistically be inserted in the Main Event picture within weeks. But... even he can't make Khali look really good. So my only hope is for both these guys to go crazy and make it look better than Freddy vs Jason. Not that it would be that hard anyway. Degenerate: 3 - Big Brother: 5.5 DAVEYBOY: After the cracking opener of Savio vs Dupree, I say we follow it up with a Sylvan Grenier vs Super Crazy match. Puerto Rico is the capital of Mexico, isn’t it? Meanwhile, I can be busy backstage consoling Ashley & Melina after being taken off the card. This is booking gold I tell you… Vince has nothing on me. I am usually pretty positive when it comes to upcoming ppv matches, but this Kane vs Khali match-up even makes me shudder. I am a fan of Kane’s but I really don’t think he has been in great form of late. While Khali only entertains me when he talks. I say this match will fail, but I’m thinking some spot with the hook could lift it from a 3 to a 4. And what the f**k are they gonna do with that hook? It looks damn awkward & is likely to kill one of the combatants! United States Championship - Chris Benoit vs MVP DEGENERATE: It pains me to see how Chris Benoit is shoved into these Wrestlemania matches basically as filler, when he could be doing a great job in a higher position. Not to say that MVP is just a chump, because he's not, but why? I'm all for older wrestlers helping younger talent for the future, but not at the expense of someone who can still give a five-star match at the highest level. In any case, this match should be great, solely because Benoit is in it, so expect something good here. BIG BROTHER: Look at how well Benoit is treated compared to Benjamin and Nitro. Don't get me wrong, I have a high opinion of Chris Benoit. I can't say the same about MVP but I REALLY do have a high opinion of my fellow Canadian. He has that unique style that makes all of his matches, all of his moves look like they mean something. this often leads to better than expected matches against pretty much any opponent. MVP is no slouch either so I think this could be good. Degenerate: 8 - Big Brother: 7.5 DAVEYBOY: 8 & 7.5? I think you 2 may have been chopped in the head multiple times by the God known as Benoit. Regenerate giving this bout an 8 because of Benoit, just proves that he is in love with Canadian men! Seriously, like you 2, I think MVP is quite good now & will only improve, but is he really ready for such a match-up at the moment? I can’t see the WWE giving this the time that it requires to get such a high rating as an 8. Unless we get a (son of) DaveyBoy Smith run-in of course. If that happens, then it’s mark-out time instantly! I’m thinking this match will rate a 7 myself, with the possibility of a 0.5 swing either way. Oh & have I ever mentioned that Benoit vs Kennedy should have been on this card!?!?!? Money In The Bank ladder match – Randy Orton, Edge, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Finlay, King Booker, Mr. Kennedy and CM Punk) DEGENERATE: Do you remember those tag matches between six, eight, even ten competitors that usually ended with all participants beating each other up in a messy brawl? Now, just imagine that messy brawl being about twenty minutes long... I don't know why so many wrestlers are in this single match, but it'll just seem totally unorganized. I think the formula here is having all of them brawl at the beginning, then a couple of big spots will take most of them out of commission while the action is focused or two or three wrestlers. It's always been that way, except now it might be a bit more difficult with the two additional wrestlers in the fold. Oh well, I'll probably still enjoy those spots anyway, so why am I bitching about this? BIG BROTHER: If the weather segment mean anything, it's that this match will be wild. Really wild. And that Deg really hates CM Punk. But what else can you expect? Wild moves? Check. Creativity? Check. Multiple illogical moves that will lead to a shady finish? Check. Will it be entertaining? You bet your ass it will be. this is a perfect environment to showcase a lot of wrestlers, pushing one more than the other and just killing older folks by overgasping. It will be good... if no one get killed... other than CM punk. I'll probably over-rate this match due to the entertainment factor. Degenerate: 8.5 - Big Brother: 8.5 DAVEYBOY: This match is going to be so confusing & fans won’t know which way to look, that I think I could sneak out (after pleasuring the ladies backstage) & compete in this bout without anyone noticing. Well, I might have to draw a few crayon tattoos on me, but I might get Torrie Wilson to do that! Hell, if Mitch got jealous, I could easily scare him away by telling him that he has to wrestle soon & that his annoyance factor simply doesn’t make a WWE superstar. Oh yeah, the Money In The Bank Ladder Match… It will be great. Jeff Hardy will perform a swanton on Orton off the northern bleachers. Kennedy will hit back with a Green Bay Plunge on Booker from the southern bleachers. Edge & Matt will be off shooting on each other somewhere, while Finlay will be shillelaghing all 70,000 crowd members. And I (imitating Punk) will hold off interference from Big Sister & Regenerate to ascend to the top of the ladder & win the contract in a match that some bloke in Melbourne Australia will rate approximately 8.5 out of 10. ECW Originals (RVD, Sabu, Tommy Dreamer & Sandman) vs The New Breed (Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, Elijah Bruke & Matt Striker) DEGENERATE: Unfortunately, I haven't been following ECW at all for the past couple of months. I haven't even seen Marcus Cor Von in action since he debuted for the brand. Now, based on what I've been reading, it seems like this will be a match with the sole purpose of elevating the younger (and future) stars of the ECW brand. In any case, the Originals are still capable of entertaining the fans immensely, even if they're on their way out, as rumored. BIG BROTHER: For those of you who don't know, I rarely watch ECW since it airs at the same time as Smackdown here so I don't know much about this angle and the New Breed. What I do know however is that in a ECW type of match, I couldn't ask for more than the 4 originals. I'm sure we'll have a lot of spots to talk about for weeks to come and, whatever the outcome may be, the new breed will be made to look as tough, if not tougher, than the originals. I expect a really good, fast paced match here. Degenerate: 7 - Big Brother: 8 DAVEYBOY: Man, does anyone other than me watch ECW? Do either of you 2 know what a video recorder is? Did Cor Von legally change his Christian name from Marquis to Marcus? If RVD & Sabu climb all the way up to the top of the rafters, will it be the highest they have ever been? The answers to all these questions will determine the quality of this match. Well, either that or how much ass Ariel shows! Big Sister, you have obviously been liaising with RVD & Sabu if you think this match will rate 8 out of 10. Your girlfriend is close to the mark with a 7 I reckon. Hey, that rhymed. I’m a poet & I didn’t know it. I think I may do a Cena-like freestyle on this match. Ok here goes… The WWE asked RVD to take a pee. Ahhh, never mind. The Battle of The Billionaires – Bobby Lashley (Representing Donald Trump) vs Umaga (Representing Vince McMahon) DEGENERATE: This has been rather a surprising feud, much to my amazement. Both McMahon and Trump have made this match a must-see, especially with the ending. While my guy feeling is that Vince McMahon will be the one to get bald, I have my doubts. If they want to go for the shock value, the move here would be Trump getting his head shaved. As far as the match goes, I'm sure it'll be a great one. Lashley has proven that he has the skills to give a good match, and his first singles match at Wrestlemania should give him enough fuel to do well. Umaga is also capable of a good match, too. Remember his matches against Cena? The stipulation at hand, along with the involvement of Stone Cold, should make this a memorable match. BIG BROTHER: As much as I liked the feud and how they involved everyone, I don't think the match will be that great. Bobby is good but still young while I was never a big fan of Jamal/Umaga. I expect a slow big men match that will use the crowd reaction to build momentum. With a pumped up crowd and Stone Cold as the referee playing to the crowd too, this could be decent and since this isn't WM20 at the Madison Square Garden they should be fine. Remember who was the guest referee that day? Just pray they don't pull off a stupid April's fool joke on us or I'll fully expect the Detroit crowd to be worse than the New Yorkers... as if it was possible. Degenerate: 8 - Big Brother: 7 DAVEYBOY: Oh oh, Regenerate has his doubts… The world must take notice! Gimme a break, everyone can tell that Trumpy doesn’t even want to be associated with the WWE. You just know that Vince is blackmailing him because he probably has photos of him in compromising positions with you 2! But I reckon he would rather have the photos surface than cut his hair. And Vince wanted to be the father of his grand-daughter in the storylines, so I doubt if shaving his head for heat is going to bother him. He was probably told that it would make him look more muscular & the decision was made then & there. The wrestling here will be ok & nothing more. And while it will all be predictable, Austin, Trump & Vince will help out & add a point or so. We may see as high as 7.5 here, but Big Sister is probably spot on with his 7 rating. World Heavyweight Championship - Undertaker vs Batista DEGENERATE: This won't be a pretty match, but it should be a good one. While Batista isn't a mat technician, and The Undertaker is getting up their in age, both men can pump up the crowd as much as anyone possibly can. This will be the first time between these two, so don't expect this match to be an instant classic, like the first time Batista and Triple H squared off at Wrestlemania 21. At worse, this turns out to be a slow-paced and match lacking excitement. But the now-uncertain winning streak of The Undertaker is enough to keep fans interested. BIG BROTHER: I am scared. Really scared. But outside of what I already said multiple times, I know both guys can work a crowd well and will pull out all the stops in this one. Expect to see Taker flying over the third rope, multiple close 2 1/2 counts and a well done finish. I'm pretty sure both will look good but I'm not sure they can really have a long match. After all, I'd prefer a good 16 minutes match than a 24 minutes blowout because the pacing was bad. Degenerate: 8 - Big Brother: 7.5 DAVEYBOY: Stop the presses, Big Sister is scared… Really scared. Regenerate, give Big Sister a big hug will you? You can tell she wants it. Eeek, not only are you 2 making me more sick, but both of you are getting even stranger… You both have many doubts as to the quality of this match, yet come up with rather high match ratings. I mean, don’t you value me as a critic. If the match sucks, I will call it as I see it & fail the damn thing. But oh no, you think the WrestleMania fairy (either of you could play the role) is gonna wave her magic wand & make this match very good. What you are trying to hide is the facts that (a) Batista really is a mat technician, (b) The Undertaker made Kurt Angle look good early last year & (c) these 2 are going to mesh in the ring better than you 2 on a date. As for the match rating, you are probably both around the mark… somehow! WWE Championship - Shawn Michaels vs John Cena DEGENERATE: While Cena is no Dean Malenko, I've noticed that he's terribly under-rated when it comes to big matches. So far, I'd say he has yet to disappoint. He seems to elevate his game, both in the wrestling department as well as the story-telling part of the match as well. Shawn Michaels, on the other hand, seems to have actually gotten better and better, as if that was even possible. His track record of producing excellent matches with anyone and everyone is well-documented, especially in the last four Wrestlemanias. Hell, I would say that ever since his ladder match at Wrestlemania X, every single one of his Wrestlemania matches have been some of the best ever. I expect this match to be the best one of the night, and certainly one to watch on DVD over and over and over again. BIG BROTHER: You could easily have added a couple of "over and over". I already talked about that match but it is worth mentioning again: HBK will make this match incredible. Cena will do his best and won't drag down the match at all. Deg is right when he says that Cena has yet to disappoint in big matches. I may not like him but I know he can still wrestle well when he want. Just think about some of his matches with Edge. I expect something even more special due to the night it involves. Degenerate: 9 - Big Brother: 9 DAVEYBOY: There you go covering your asses again (except for each other). “I hate John Cena… I hate John Cena… But he will be great in this match… And most other matches he has over the past 2 years… But I hate him because a few bored & blind people booed him one day & I just had to start hating him”. The next thing you two will be doing is declaring Hinder the second coming of Led Zeppelin. You bandwagon-jumpers make me sick! Speaking of second comings (keep your minds out of the gutter freaks), John Cena is indeed the second coming of Dean Malenko. Well, with a decimal point he is, because John Cena is the man of 10.00 moves. It’s not Cena’s fault that there was a printing glitch on the programme he was reading & modeled himself on Deano Machino. As for this match, I am not as confident as you 2 that this will achieve a 9 rating, even though it’s definitely possible. I’d go an 8.5 with the possibility of a 0.5 swing either way. Overall Score: DEGENERATE: 56.5 out of 80=70.6% or [B+] Very good. Why the hell do we need to use DaveyBoy's rating system? Can't we use something else, like hockey sticks or baseball bats to represent us better? Anyway, I'd say that the show gets a B+, as rated using the oh-so-famous ratings, then I'd probably consider it a disappointment. Maybe I've been spoiled, maybe I'm just a whiny fan, but these shows are pretty expensive to order, so anything less than an A won't be fine by me. Sadly, seeing some of the matches on the card, I think we were actually a bit generous. Why do you toy with my emotions, Vince? BIG BROTHER: 57.5 out of 80=71.9% or [B+] Very good. Do you think I agree with that score? Hell yeah. It's Wrestlemania folks. No matter what, every year the WWE showed me something: when it's time to deliver big matches, they do. And there isn't any bigger time than the Superbowl of Wrestling. I am pretty confident that it would achieve this score but even if it doesn't or even if I predicted an event that wouldn't be as good I would still recommend to buy it. After all, there is only one "Biggest Night Ever" each year. DAVEYBOY: 55 out of 80 = You guessed it… 69. Hey!!! That wasn’t an order you sick freaks. Man, I’ll change my rating if I have to just to keep you 2 apart. And you're right Regenerate, you should use hockey sticks & baseball bats... to beat yourselves over the head. I don't know how I got dragged into all this anyway. But since I am & have to restore some sort of personal integrity, that unmentionable rating that I just unfortunately mentioned leads me to believe that WrestleMania 23 will gain a B grade & be a “good event that was worth the money”. I actually hope that I am wrong here & these 2 freaks are correct, but either way, like Big Sister, I would still recommend the purchase of WrestleMania 23. As for his final comment of there only being one "Biggest Night Ever" each year, I have the following to say: Regenerate needs to put out more than once a year. Maybe then, Big Sister wouldn’t be so frustrated & write columns more frequently. BIG BROTHER: So this is it. Our mega-special Wrestlemania edition of BaD News is now over. I hope you guys liked it and, with any luck, we may even be back in the near future on a regular basis. But don't expect much because right now the only way to get Degenerate any regularity would be with diet rich in fiber. I'd like to thank again our special guest DaveyBoy who was a good sport and is a lot funnier than most people expect. Then again, the way he writes, I could only see him as a boring old 74 year old man with nothing better to do who writes about wrestling and, in his spare time, like to go to the park and offer candy to children ages 8 and lower. Nah. Seriously I respect those two writers, we had a lot of fun and we all hope you had too. DAVEYBOY: You mean I can go? Thank God (aka Vince McMahon) for that... I really thought you two were gonna show me your bondage playground. It has been all your pleasure ladies. Until the next edition of 'The Wrestling Menu' on Wednesday, this is DaveyBoy signing off & asking you to remember that this column is best served with me included. DEGENERATE: And that’s it, we’re outta here. We'd like to remind everyone that the commentary offered in this column isn't approved by LordsofPain.net in any way, shape or form. If you have hate mail to send, please use the following e-mails: Degenerate: dennmart@gmail.com Big Brother: bigbrother_lop@hotmail.com DaveyBoy: Hate mail those two clowns all you want, they love it anyway. However, if you have compliments for my champagne comedy, I can be contacted on DaveyBoy123@bigpond.com. *NEW GALLERY* Very PRIVATE Shots of Maria & CM Punk MAKING OUT!!
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