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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, March 25, 2007 at 3:17 PM EST
 Welcome to the Rants, everyone. This is just something I cooked up to allow myself a venue to share some genuine opinions on the wrestling industry. As much fun as being that lovable idiot, Boss Foxx, is in my usual columns, I still can't help but want to get my opinions across on things through methods other than parody and ironic musings. So, if you were expecting one more stroll through the Boss Foxx Nation, I'm afraid you'll just have to wait until next time because I'm hijacking the main page to rant about WrestleMania and a few other things if I have time. First off, I'll just go ahead and give a cheap plug to Random and Morpheus for their audio show, Monday Night Countdown. If you people aren't listening to this LoP gem then something is wrong with you. These fuckers are not only two of the better columnists to grace Lords of Pain, but now they've got themselves what can only be described as one of the better podcasts going. Of course, I'm biased because they're my boys and I don't listen to other podcasts much at all, but if there is a better audio show out there on then net than these guys then I sure as hell haven't heard about it. Now that I have the pandering out the way, let's just cut right into WrestleMania. The biggest show of the year, yadda, yadda, yadda. We all know that song and dance. WWE and just about everyone else with a tenuous association to professional wrestling is singing that tune right now. “The granddaddy of them all,” as they say, but I've got a question: So what? If you strip away all the hype over this year's WrestleMania, is there anything there that's really worth getting excited about? I just don't see it this year. Normally, I can find something about the card to get all antsy in the pantsy over, but it just ain't happening this time around. Last year, didn't exactly lift my skirt either ... especially after watching the pay-per-view, but at least there was an aura about it heading in that made me want to see it. I don't know precisely – maybe it was the prospect of seeing HHH and Cena facing off and seeing which top-tier talent would walk away with the win, or maybe wanting to see Angle and Rey put on a clinic in spite of Orton making the match a Triple Threat. Whatever it was, I wanted to at least see the show. This year, I could honestly give a damn. The only thing remotely interesting on the card for me is John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels. HBK is through some ungodly miracle managing to outperform his early years by putting on some of the more memorable matches of any WWE Superstar. Add that with John Cena's willingness to raise his game to that of whomever he's in the ring with, and you've got the makings for a genuinely good match to behold. The outcome is pretty much secondary in this match, as far as I'm concerned. If HBK wins, great. He's deserves one more run as the flag bearer of WWE. If Cena wins though, that's fine too. He's growing on me as the preeminent babyface for the company, and I think there's still some steam left in him right now to carry on as champion. All I want from these two is to see them put on the match that just about everyone knows they are capable of giving ... and judging from the rest of the card, they need to be the match of the night. The Undertaker vs Batista just isn't going to cut it as the main event of the night. I'm sorry, but other than that Mania undefeated streak, there is zero interest on my part to watch this match. Batista is a farce of a main-eventer and has been proving me right for as long as he's been on top. You've really got to hand it to Triple H and Ric Flair to get this guy primped and preened to look like a champion when in reality he's nothing more than a poor man's Goldberg and sadly half as talented. Undertaker really has his work cut out for him to make a Mania match out of this. As much of a chode as Mark Henry was last year at Mania, at least he didn't wheeze and cough like a chemo patient from just walking the aisle. I swear Batista would get blown up from lacing his boots. How people defend that hack is beyond me. Speaking of being short on talent, I truly hope that Kane vs. the Great Khali is a short match. Actually, if there's any way for WWE's creative team to figure out a way to keep this match from happening at all, their stock would increase greatly in my eyes. I could literally feel my heart sink when that lummox debuted on Raw back in January. I thought, “Oh Christ, they're going to book him against Cena an Mania.” Thankfully, I was wrong on that one, but those guys still had to come up with some excuse to put Khali on the line-up. Christ, I sound like every other columnist on the planet that's pissing and moaning about Khali's existence, but it's true. The guy is basically a failure – a giant failure. The Big Show was green when he first started out, but there was raw athleticism and a willingness to learn as well. It showed too, as within his first year in the industry, he improved by leaps and bounds. What of Khali though? Can the same be said for him? Not even close. The man is not learning for whatever reason and it's pretty much time for WWE to cut their losses with the guy. I mean, it's probably an old chestnut by now that's been echoed by dozens of wrestling columnists and critics, but how can it possibly be justified for a man that is clearly incapable of holding a crowd for longer than fifteen seconds on the line-up for Mania, while proven performers like Ric Flair, Carlito, The World's Greatest Tag-Team, and several others remain on the sidelines to this day. The uniqueness of his physique is not enough to warrant such a position. Then again, this is the same promotion that booked Akebono two years ago ... and we all remember what a train wreck that turned out to be. Speaking of train wrecks, what is it about the Money In The Bank match that is getting everyone's panties moist? It's an eight-man ladder match for Christ's sake. If that doesn't spell “clusterfuck” then I don't know what does. TLC 2 from WrestleMania X-7 is often heralded as one of if not the greatest match in WrestleMania history. And every time someone puts that match over as a wrestling classic I want to throw up, stab someone, or sometimes both. King Booker and Finlay might be able to sneak in some storytelling into the match, but it's inevitably going to look like the other two MITB matches and TLC 2 – a big ol' spot fest of a clusterfuck. I can already envision the forum posts and columns on April 2 that praise Jeff Hardy for “stealing the show” at WrestleMania. To all that noise, I'd just like to offer a preemptive “Shut the fuck up!” This match is going to be watchable at best. With eight men running around trying to do their thing, it's not going to be doing much more than look like a four matches happening at once. Then there is the Women's Championship match between Ashley and Melina. Man, did Mickie James get the shaft here. Well, she probably got the shaft plenty of times, but I'm speaking strictly in a proverbial sense. Ashley's cute in a “broken wing” kind of way, but why is it now customary to push these strippers to the top of the women's food chain at WrestleMania? Sometimes, WWE does the right thing and let's the “pretty” ones take part in some girly gimmick match, while the “talented” ones put on a wrestling match. Couldn't Ashley just have easily had a Motor Oil match or whatever with Candice, or some other tart, while Melina put on an actual watchable match with the likes of Mickie James or Victoria? Yes ... yes, that would have been better off. Instead, we're likely to end up seeing Ashley put on a technical display that will make Christy Hemme's performance at Mania 21 look like the next coming of Dean Malenko. And is it just me or is Chris Benoit's role for WrestleMania now to simply be hotshot into an angle with some random heel just to put them over? This abbreviated feud with MVP is like a bad rerun of his feud last year with JBL. Benoit was the US champ, doing nothing, JBL challenges for the belt out of nowhere, Benoit jobs the belt at Mania. Now just remove JBL and insert three other initials, MVP, and you've go the same damned storyline one year later. It's ridiculous. It's not like Benoit isn't over like Rover among even the most casual of wrestling fans, so why is he relegated to these horseshit tasks? Meh, I'm a Benoit mark from way back, so my opinion in unabashedly biased on this one. Still, what the fuck. With rumors of Benoit packing up to go to the Raw brand, I'm cringing out possible feuds with Chris Masters and every other scrub they've got over there that can't get over to save their lives. And when he's not doing that, he'll be jobbing to the stars on a periodical basis. At the rate his legacy is declining, he'll be like Flair, just doing fifteen back body drops and rambling incoherently in backstage promos. My heart breaks for the man. Meanwhile, ECW gets their token match at WrestleMania with the ECW Originals taking on the New Breed. I've rambled on so many times about ECW and it's mind boggling ability to trip over it's own feet, but come on ... Does anyone believe the Originals have a shot at winning this? Rob Van Dam will be in his home state. So what. Jim Ross gets fucked in the ass every time Raw airs from Oklahoma, and you think RVD has a snowball's chance at doing anything other but getting Marcus Cor Von's dick hammered right between his ass cheeks for all the world to see. I hate to break it you, son, but after the Originals get a few of their plunder spots in during the match they're going to be bent over the announce desk and collectively gang raped for all of Detroit to behold. Then after all of that is said and done, you can kiss Sandman and Sabu goodbye because those guys are just days away from getting pink slips. As sad as seeing Sandman and Sabu take a hike might be, I won't shed a tear when Donald Trump's involvement with WWE and the “Battle of the Billionaires” is finally over. I am thoroughly sick and tired of seeing that crusty old fart's puckered mug polluting my television screen. Back when he was putting the sass on Rosie O' Donnell for being a raging cunt, I kinda liked the guy. Of course, he wasn't Bogarting so much damned air time on Monday Night Raw back then either. I can appreciate Vince McMahon wanting to get some mainstream attention for this year's big show. Lord knows the Superstars under his employ ain't gonna get that job done any time soon. What irritates the piss out of me, however, is that Trump's involvement is to garner those fairweather fans, the ones that can't be bothered to watch wrestling unless something involving a celebrity of some sort is taking place. The trouble is that Vince has been catering this flimsy storyline to wrestling fans instead of going after the fly-by-night fans. Those people don't watch Raw. They watch the shows that truly deserve scorn, like The Simple Life and American Idol. Instead of reaching out through the mainstream to get attention for his product, he's slapping Donald Trump's ugly mug on Raw in hopes those Access Hollywood addicted parasites will tune in. And if they did, all they'd be seeing is Trump standing there like a tool with a stick up his ass no-selling every word hurled his way. This isn't selling pay-per-view buys and we're all going to see that when the final numbers are in. And that's how Mania has shaped up so far. Are you excited yet? If you are, you must be infinitely more entertained by watching paint dry than I am. I'll admit that the hype has been pretty good for this event, and it's arguably better hype than what they dished out last year. It's only hype though, and the closer we get to the big dance, the more readily apparent it becomes that this pay-per-view is no more special than any of the others that we've seen in the last twelve months. Heck, I wouldn't even rank it in the top five to be perfectly blunt. Maybe I'm wrong, however, and maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. It wouldn't be the first time, that's for sure, but if WWE can't convince me to get psyched for this thing then who the hell can? Ah well, enough about Mania. I've said my piece on that. Well, actually I haven't quite finished. There's actually another column coming out in the next couple of days called “WrestleMania: Fact or Fiction” where I'll be ranting and raving even more on this topic. I went out and got four other columnists to join our little round table this time around. 1,000,000 BC will be chiming in. Some of you might remember his stay here on the main page. One of my personal favorites from the Columns Forum, Sheepster, will be taking part as well. February's Column of the Month winner, X-FV1, is on board too to share his thoughts. And finally, we've got Monday Night Countdown's own, Morpheus, to bring the column some much needed metal-headedness to our humble gathering. It's just one more way for all of us to shamelessly promote ourselves under the WrestleMania banner. Every site does it, so why should I take the high road? And to finish this column up, I figured I would open the floor to some questions from readers. I'll usually get some genuine questioned asked my way in between blindly praising or amusingly ignorant e-mails, so I thought I should at least answer a few publicly. I imagine I'll be answering questions for my future editions of “The Boss Report Rants” as well. As amusing as it might be to get replies from me while in character, it'd probably be more informative to get some sincere answers from me to help prevent any perpetual confusion on the part of readers. Sometimes though, I just love to egg you guys on. It's the sinner in me, what can I say. Daniels asks ... “Boss, I was watching Sport Center they just said 11 pro wrestlers are linked to steroids. They named Edge, Randy Orton, among other's. What will this do to these guy's future and there "spot" at the big dance?” Their spots are quite secure. Edge is the top heel in WWE right now, so if there's any bad press coming his way because of this then WWE should be on full damage control. He's not a guy that they can afford to lose at the moment. Besides, he's already openly admitted on “Off The Record” to using steroids to help with his rehabilitation back in '03. He shouldn't have too much trouble deflecting this “scandal.” As for Orton, he's just a lose cause, as far as I'm concerned. How many second chances does one guy deserve? Honestly, there comes a point where Vince McMahon and the rest of WWE need to come to the sad realization that Randy Orton is not worth the hassle. I don't care how much of it is a work in order for me, as a fan, to hate on Orton. He's only moderately skilled in terms of both in-ring and on-mic performance, so his unprofessional conduct should not be immune to scrutiny. The fact that he's still employed and still getting pushed is almost as embarrassing as Hardcore Holly just being employed at all. With regards to the other names that Sports Illustrated alleged, I say whatever. Rey Mysterio is like a midget Barry Bonds, he's gotten so big in the last five years. The idea of him being on the gas is about as surprising as seeing Kurt Angle on the same list. Frankly, I'm surprised Chavo Guerrero didn't make the list either. I just watched Super Brawl IX this past week and there isn't a soul on this planet that can convince me he didn't put a needle in his ass at some point between then and now. Heck, he probably got whatever supply he may have used from his uncle Eddie, who was also named. Daniel asks again ... “Whut up Boss? I take it you're not a Orton fan. I did not know he was using, can you tell what it is he takes?” Well, I originally answered “marijuana” in my reply, but thanks to Sports Illustrated there is more. A lot more. They allege that he had eight prescriptions during 2004 for these drugs - stanozolol, nandrolone, anastrozole, Clomiphene citrate, oxandrolone and testosterone. That's a lot of fucking drugs to be taking. At least I think it is. Kurt Angle would probably see that list and laugh as he scarfed down his self-described 60+ painkillers a day. I'm not even sure what all that stuff is supposed to do besides testosterone's obvious benefits. I see that list and it could just as easily be the ingredients on the back of my Fruit Loops cereal. Daryl asks ... “So, I'm kind of new to reading your column and I was wondering, is it supposed to be like a tongue in cheek deal where you're basically saying one thing in a sarcastic sense but really mean the opposite, or do you truly embrace the new ECW and believe 'Vince can do no wrong'?” Thank you, Daryl, for at least getting the idea that I might not be serious. This is one guy with enough actual brains to ask questions when he reads one of my columns. I wish there were more who would follow his example. Thanks to wrestling fans ... and wrestlers ... who either don't get the jokes or even understand that it's satire, I've made it a point for the last few months that the Boss Report is a satirical column in the same vein as Comedy Central's Colbert Report. I wasn't exactly keen on writing columns regularly again unless I could find a way to do something different from the other wrestling columns out there. I can't bring myself to write an ordinary column on a regular basis anymore. It's not nearly as fulfilling as those first days. Hell, even in those first days I needed to do something with a slightly different voice. The IWC tends to speak in unison on a nonstop basis, and it's reflected in many writers' columns. I find it hard to distinguish one Raw review from the next. So, when I was given the opportunity to come back to LoP's main page, I knew I'd need something that would at least challenge me to some degree. That's where satire and parody come into play, as comedy itself can be hard as hell. To attempt comedy with a satirical and ironic twist can be downright excruciating at times. You'd think that by portraying a self-absorbed and blissfully ignorant wrestling columnist, the stuff that I write would obviously be read as nothing more than either comedic gold or comedic tripe. And that's how a lot of readers do tend to grasp it. Then there are the others, those that I addressed in “Revenge of the Boss Report” a few months ago. People who, for whatever reason, can't seem to come to grips with the idea that the Boss Report is not a “legitimate” wrestling column like the others. Even after the “Revenge” column was posted, I was still getting inundated with e-mails from readers who thought that I was completely serious for the stuff that I was writing. I mean, fuck, you'd have to be either retarded or a TNA mark (sometimes I wonder if there's a difference) to think that I genuinely believe Batista and Mark Henry are paragons of athleticism, Shawn Michaels is unpopular and washed-up, and the Great Khali has been a wise investment on the part of WWE. C'est la vie, I suppose. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him think. I forget who wrote that, but I'll bet you anything there is a reader right now thinking, “It's 'make him drink,' stupid.” And to that reader, I say, “Fuck off. I know what I wrote.” Dustin asks ... “You planning on making any special appearances on Monday Night Countdown?” Planning? Eesh. I rarely plan. I've thought about it. Random, Morph, and I have talked about trying to get me on the show in some capacity. As far as planning on my part though, there's really not a whole lot. Planning is more Random's bag when it comes to that kind of thing. I'm more the type to fly by the seat of my pants as far as columns and cameos go. I will say this, however – I have submitted some stuff to Random to possibly use in their special “30 Things You Should Know” edition of MNC. I'm hardly used to public speaking, like radio appearances and the like, as I am one of those folks that just can't stand the sound of my own voice. If Random can somehow scrape together something salvageable out of what I've sent him then you can expect to hear it this week. Dustin also asks ... “Do you think Wevv Mang is next in line for Joe's shotgun now?” No, but Morphy will probably give him a verbal thrashing this week on MNC. I listened to the show last week, as I always do (Those boys rock my socks), and I was absolutely amazed at how long-winded Wevv was in that segment. It was great that he was on and he should definitely make more appearances in the future, but fifteen minutes was just crazy long for a Hogan testimonial. I doubt even Hulk could stand to talk about himself for that long ... although it is the Hulkster we're talking about here. And that guy could use a couple rounds from Joe's shotgun. At the end of the day, Wevv made some really good points about Hogan. I just wish I could remember what they were. I kind of zoned out after the seven minute mark. Well, that's going to wrap up this edition of the Rants. If you've got any questions or comments that you'd like to send my way, either to be replied to in a future column or just in e-mail, send them along to bossfoxx@gmail.com. In the meantime, you can still get your Boss Report fix over at http://blogfoxx.blogspot.com. I'll also remind everyone to check out LoP's “WrestleMania: Fact or Fiction” when it comes out this week, along with the Monday Night Countdown. Now here it is ... your moment of Zen.  That's odd. I thought Orton rolled his own. She's Doing It AGAIN! Must See New Karen Angle Shots!
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