TNA Impact Report 3-8-07
Submitted by Lunchbox on Friday, March 9, 2007 at 6:20 AM EST





Welcome to The Lunch Report, I'm Lunchbox and this is my first posting of iMPACT! and I tried a few things with it. You'll notice that the first half of the show is done in almost a play by play style, quoting nearly word for word what is spoken. The latter half is done in a condensed format. Any feedback on this report will be appreciated and useful for further reports. Direct any commentary to thelunchreport@columbus.rr.com

iMPACT! opens with a video package recapping last Thursday's iMPACT! with Kurt Angle coming back into the iMPACT! Zone after being banned by Jim Cornette and brawling with Steiner. Also shows Samoa Joe talking some sense into Abyss before his match with Tomko. Post-match Abyss rushes the ring and Black Hole Slams Joe as iMPACT! closes with Christian, Steiner and Tomko smiling.

Back in the iMPACT! Zone Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle are standing in the ring, Angle has a mic in his hands.

Angle: "Destination X is only a few days away, but to me it feels like an eternity. Steiner, Cornette can throw me out of the building every single night, but at Destination X your ass is mine. Christian, as far as you're concerned, you know, I might not be on Samoa Joe's Christmas Card list but I at least had enough guts to face him head on. Christian, tonight, there's no going through the back door because Joe and Angle are on the same page. At Destination X, Kurt Angle is going to be Samoa Joe's biggest fan. Because after Samoa Joe kicks Christian's ass and wins the heavyweight championship, then me and Samoa Joe can settle our unresolved issues. Tonight, Christian, why don't you make it easy on yourself. Why don't you and Steiner come down here right now, so Joe and I can do what we have to do?"

Christian, Tomko and Steiner come down the ramp.

Christian: "You know, what you two don't understand as exemplified as your on again off again love affair, are the three of us are a family. We're inseparable, we're a machine, we're a unit. We are, the Christian Coalition. We have no problem coming down there and beating your ass tonight, but we'll do it as a family. So if I can make a little suggestion, I'd go find yourselves a tag team partner; YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, I'M THE CHAMP (to the crowd). I suggest, so there's no whining and crying, you go find yourself a tag team partner so you can't say that the odds were stacked against ya, and we'll meet you later tonight, in that ring so we can kick your ass."

Kurt Angle: "So Christian, champ, or should I say "chump". I'll tell you what, you want some warfare? You want us to get a tag team partner? I'd be happy to do that. In fact, I have someone in mind right now. Somebody that you would call a little bit crazy. Now I can tell by the dumb look on your face that you're wondering who it is, well you'll just have to wait until later on tonight."
(Eval- Good opening promo between all of the wrestlers. I personally believe that all of them work well off of one another, even Steiner. He plays the role of the idiot who can't get anything right, but he's kept around anyway. Also, small note. You never realize how much they say "ass" until it's censored. Rating- ***)

iMPACT! then cuts to the opening promo then back to the iMPACT! Zone as Mike Tenay runs down the card for tonight's event.

Voodoo Kin Mafia's music hits as BG James, Kip James and Lance Hoyt make their way to the ring. Their opponents for this Six Man Tag are Serotonin (Matt Bentley, Johnny Devine and Kazarian. Which, as noted by Mike Tenay, Matt Bentley will now be called Martyr, Johnny Devine is Havoc and Kazarian is Kaz.).

The match starts with all six men brawling in the ring. Kazarian is thrown out by Lance Hoyt, BG takes Havoc outside. Kip and Martyr are in the ring, Martyr takes Kip down with a leg clip after he was distracted by Havoc taking a kendo stick to BG's back. Kazarian makes his way back in to take on Kip. Kazarian continues to work Kip's left leg. Kip fights back and catches Kazarian with a neck breaker. Kip then tags in Lance Hoyt. Hoyt catches Havoc and Martyr with a big boot then throws Kazarian out of the ring. Hoyt gets the 1-2-3 on Havoc via the Texas Tornado Slam.
(Eval- Good match, could have been better had they had more time. I'm a huge fan of Serotonin I just wish they would get a bigger push. I also enjoy how they refer to Lance Hoyt as being from "Big D", since they don't call him Dallas. Rating- **)

Post-match VKM and Hoyt celebrate in the ring before clearing as Raven makes his way to the ring to issue his Torture Breathes Success upon Serotonin. Havoc throws down his kendo stick before kneeling, Martyr kneels and Kazarian reluctantly kneels. Raven issues a kendo stick to their backs before Kaz stands to confront Raven. Few seconds pass before he kneels and takes a shot to the back.

We fade to the back where JB is interviewing the Christian Coalition.

JB: "Six man tag team main event.." JB gets cut off by Christian Coalition coming into the picture.

Christian: "Shut up! This is getting out of control. All this talk about tag team partners. Tomko, please explain to me who's idea it was for them to get a tag team partner?"

Tomko: "That was going to be your idea boss."

Christian: "In a time of crisis, you're going to stand here and point fingers. Scottie, who's their partner? Who could it be?"

Steiner: "Do I look like Quasi Modo to you? Do you think I can read the future? It doesn't matter who their partner is, I just want Kurt Angle."

Christian: "Quasimodo? Isn't that the Hunchback of Notre Dame?"

JB: "Yeah, I think it is."

Christian: "I think you mean Nostradamus. Forget it. I know who it is. Abyss. It's Abyss."

Steiner: "Are you on crack? Abyss just threw Joe on his head. It's not Abyss."

Christian: "Think about it Scottie, they're trying to work us the way we always work them. What we gotta do, is we have to find Abyss."

Steiner: "Are you crazy? I just said I want Angle. I want Angle's blood. I don't care about anybody else."

Christian: "Tomko, you're gonna come with me to talk to Abyss."

Tomko: "I'll tell you what, I'll go with you to talk to Abyss as soon as you give me a title shot." Tomko pats Christian on the shoulder and walks off.

Christian: "I guess that leaves us" As he puts his arm around JB.

JB: "I have to go to the ring after this."

Christian: "I'll be waiting for you at the curtain. Let's go."
(Eval- I found this to be a very funny segment, I love how Christian tries to cover for all of Steiner's mistakes. I imagine that Steiner wrote his lines, and honestly thought Quasimodo was really Nostradamus. Rating- * 1/2)

iMPACT! cuts to a commercial. Back from commercial we are shown a video package of AJ Styles and the new Elevation X match that will be implemented at Destination X where AJ will face Rhino.

Mike Tenay is in the ring where he announces Hector Guerrero, Hector comes to the ring as Don West explains who he is. Hector explains how gracious he is to be in the ring and speaking with Mike Tenay. He thanks his family and Eddie for inspiration. Hector thanks a lot of people in Spanish, before Mike Tenay comes back and speaks on behalf of TNA and TNA's Hispanic Legacy Foundation. (Which...I've never heard of, have you?) They present him with a plaque, but is interrupted by Abyss coming to the ring. Abyss stares down Tenay, before looking to Hector and then to SoCalVal. Abyss takes the plaque, drops it then Black Hole Slams SoCalVal. A video package is shown of Samoa Joe and him getting a shot at Christian Cage at Destination X.
(Eval- A very unnecessary segment, that was nothing more than an attempt at getting a free pop out of the Guerrero name, and to fill time on an already short program. Rating- 1/2)

Commercial. Back from commercial, a video is shown for Destination X this Sunday. Replay of Abyss Black Hole Slamming SoCalVal.

In Jim Cornette's office Bob Backlund, Jackie Moore, James Storm and Chris Sabin in his Jerry Lynn goof attire are all arguing and trying to plead their case to Cornette. Cornette silences them. James Storm and Jackie get Petey Williams and Gail Kim in a Double Bull Rope Match at Destination X. James Storm and Jackie rush out to the ring, and James Storm almost forgets his beer, but thanks to Bob Backlund, he makes a return to grab it. Sabin acts like he can't hear Cornette as he tells him that Sabin has Lynn at Destination X in a 2 out of 3 falls match. Cornette informs Backlund that he cannot referee the Senshi/Starr match, but that the match can only be won by a Crossface Chicken Wing. Backlund informs Cornette that the plebeians will enjoy it. Christy Hemme is sitting in the corner of Cornette's office and requests a match against VKM for her team at Destination X. Cornette informs Hemme that he knew she had a pair, but not a team. He then grants her request.
(Eval- I guess this is their way of getting all of their talent on one show, so they have an excuse to pay them. It's also a nice way to double the PPV card in two minutes or less. Funny how Backlund was the one that reminded Storm about his beer. Rating- 1/2)

Back in the iMPACT! Zone, Robert Roode w/ Ms. Brooks, "Showtime" Eric Young and James Storm w/ Jackie Moore make their way to the ring. On the other ramp, Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal and Petey Williams make their way to the ring. Sonjay tells Jay that everyone wants him to spit some lyrics. Eric Young is behind that idea, but Roode gets in the ring and shoves Eric out, before taking it to Jay Lethal.

Roode continues to stomp on Lethal before tagging in Young. Young does an impersonation of Hogan before extending his hand to Lethal. They shake hands as Roode comes back in and smacks Young. Young balls up his fist to hit Roode before tagging in Storm. Storm faces off against Lethal, Lethal hiptosses Storm then tags in Petey Williams. Roode drops from the ring then sneaks in and slams Petey to the mat. Storm gets a two count. Storm tags in Roode where they double suplex Petey. Two count. Roode throws Petey into the ropes, clothesline. Roode picks up Petey and slams him down on his back. Two count. Roode throws Petey into the ropes. Petey jumps to the top and comes off, tornado DDT on Roode. Petey tags in Sonjay, Roode tags in Storm. Springboard drop-kick. Sonjay throws Storm into the ropes, hits him with a rolling senton. Then a middle rope moonsault. Roode breaks the count. Lethal in to clothesline Roode outside. Petey hits over the top huracanrana on Roode. Gail Kim runs to the ring and drags Jackie Moore off the apron to the floor (CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!...Sorry, wrong show.) They brawl on the outside. Storm hits Sonjay with a superkick for the 3 count.
(Eval- Very good match, but just like every other match on iMPACT! it needs more time for these guys to actually work with one another. Rating- **)

Gail Kim and Jackie Moore continue to brawl on the outside. To the back with JB and Christian confronting Abyss. Christian tells JB he has his back. Christian tells Abyss he comes in peace, and he knows what it's like to lose a father. Well, not really, but he hears it doesn't feel good. He knows who Abyss can and can't trust. Christian mentions Sting and Abyss stands. Christian reiterates that Sting told Abyss' secret, and that Joe and Angle are just like Sting. Abyss crosses his arms and screams in Christian's face. Christian was thinking the same thing. He said they all look at Abyss like a piece of meat. He offers the Christian Coalition to Abyss as a family, then offers JB as a peace offering. Abyss knocks down the camera as iMPACT! goes to commercial.
(Eval- I like how Christian can play off of anyone, including a monster who only grunts, screams and slams things. Rating- *)

Back from commercial we recap last week's assault on Johnny Rodz by LAX and Brother Ray confronting Alex Shelley. LAX then assaults Brother Ray and puts him threw a table.

Back in the iMPACT! Zone, Mike "The Professor" Tenay and Don "You-Have-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me!" West go over the card for Destination X which leads right into a video of the Last Rites match between Abyss and Sting.

Main Event begins with Scott Steiner's ear shattering siren going off as he makes his way to the ring. Tomko and Christian follow right behind before iMPACT! goes to commercial.

Back from commercial Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring, followed by Kurt Angle and the "mystery partner" turns out to be Rhino.

The match begins with all six on the outside. Joe and Steiner begin the match inside. Steiner knife edge chops Joe, off the ropes reversal inverted atomic drop on Steiner, Joe off the ropes into a toe kick. Steiner falls to the mat, Joe with a senton bomb. Christian in, Joe delivers right hands, Joe off the ropes with a jumping shin kick to Cage's face. Cage throws Joe outside. Angle belly to belly suplex on Cage. European Uppercut. Cage into the ropes, elbow to Cage's jaw. Cage gets belly to bellied outside. Tomko into the ring, clothesline to Angle. Rhino in, right hands to Tomko. Double reversal, belly to back suplex from Rhino on Tomko. Rhino sets up for the Gore, but Styles runs into the ring and distracts Rhino. They trade blows. Backdrop off the ropes onto Styles. Styles rolls to the outside, Rhino gives chase. They scale the Elevation X scaffold. Cut to commercial, and the infamous words "We'll keep the cameras rolling!" (I feel like I'm at Motel 6.)

Back from commercial, Cage has Rhino in a headlock. Rhino fights to a vertical base, Rhino with a few shots to Cage's midsection. Cage grabs Rhino's hair and slings him to the mat. Quick recap during the break which saw AJ Styles and Rhino on top of Elevation X. Rhino chases Styles to across, drops down and is met by Tomko and Cage, who send him into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Cage throws Rhino into the corner, where he is double teamed by Tomko and Steiner. Tomko with a snap suplex on Rhino for a 2 count. Tomko tags Cage. Double team. Rhino knife edge chops Cage. Into the corner, elbow for his trouble. Cage drops from the top and is caught by Rhino in a fireman's carry for a TKO. Steiner and Angle tagged in, Angle German Suplex on Steiner, Cage in. Angle German Suplex on Cage. Tomko in. Triple German Suplex on Tomko. Cage attempts Unprettier on Angle, reversal, belly to belly on Cage. Steiner comes in and works on Angle, Joe runs in and clotheslines Cage to the outside. Angle attempts ankle lock on Steiner. Tomko interrupts with a big boot. Rhino Gore's Tomko. Cage Unprettiers Rhino. Joe sumo slaps Cage, ends with a Muscle Buster. Steiner interrupts Joe with a belly to belly. Steiner grabs Angle with a spinning belly to belly. Attempts Steiner Recliner, Angle works his way out and hits the Olympic Slam. Straps are down! Ankle lock! Abyss runs in, elbow to Angle, the match is called. Abyss continues to work on Angle. Angle fights back, off the ropes, Black Hole Slam! LIGHTS OUT IN THE IMPACT! ZONE! Sting shows up at multiple locations around the iMPACT! Zone, the in the ring. Sting taps Abyss on the shoulder, punch to the face as we fade out. "Damn I can't wait for Destination X this Sunday!"
(Eval- Solid back and forth action between all six men, including the flurry of finishers at the end. However, I feel like I'm repeating myself in saying, this match needs more time, just like all the others. Rating- ** 1/2)

Final Analysis- Over all, a decent iMPACT!. They don't seem to be falling from their norm, nor do they seem to be rising above. They need two hours if they're going to be serious competitors with WWE and have hope of creating another War. More of these wrestlers need more air time, aside from thirty seconds in Cornette's office. Cut down on video packages and hype for the PPV that is only three days away. Also, I really don't like what they did with Hector Guerrero, so that drops my final rating for the night. I'll end this with a 5/10.

Lunchbox
thelunchreport@columbus.rr.com








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