|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, February 18, 2007 at 12:12 AM EST
 Welcome back to the Report, heroes. I hope many of you on the east coast have been able to endure this horribly cold and blustery weather that we've been having. You know it's winter when you find yourself actually using the word “blustery”. I usually keep that word in the upstairs closet with the rest of my winter gear. I only had to break it out recently due to the ungodly amount of snow that we've been getting. Global warming, my ass. It's freezing outside. On top of all the cold weather that I've had to put up with, I've also been forced to endure some icy responses to my last column. Well ... just one icy response actually. All the rest of my feedback has been surprisingly positive considering that my inbox is notoriously familiar with hate mail and harsh responses. I'm still trying to figure out how that guy in Montana was able to send a letter box via electronic mail. That's just a scientific marvel. Back on topic, that icy response I received happened to come from none other than TNA's Spike Dudley (I still can't bring myself to refer to him as Brother Runt). After including my “Exclusive Fake Interview” in my last column, as a parody to RIPBossman's actual interview with Spike to one-up ol' RIP by using his own work for comedic effect, RIP contacted me and asked that I send an e-mail to Spike to make sure that he understood that my column was just a parody of RIP's column and nothing more. RIP seemed so damned happy to have finally scored an interview with a real live wrestler, no longer relying on interviewing his WWF Wrestle Buddies in his bedroom, who was I refuse? Of course it seemed redundant to point out that the column was a parody of RIP's work when the column and parody itself included an expressed explanation within the article of it's nature and was even titled “Fake Interview”. Surely, everyone could appreciate the humor behind it. Not quite, I'm afraid. Spike Dudley didn't seem to get the joke and expressed as much to me via e-mail. In light of that, I've apologized to Spike and RIPBossman. I've also taken the liberty of moving the parodied interview from my column as a courtesy to the former WWE Superstar and LoP columnist. In it's place, I have added a different segment. When it comes to gestures like that, I'm flexible like a Romanian gymnast. In any case, I just want to reiterate that – all joking aside – I am sincerely regretful that Matt Hyson took offense to the parody, as it was simply a comedic effort and there was absolutely no ill-will on my part. I am also regretful that Matt Hyson decided to also come down on RIPBossman for my parody, as RIPBossman had no involvement in creating the satirical segment. Moving on ... We're officially on the road to WrestleMania, folks. WHOOOO! YEAH! And when WrestleMania starts getting closer and closer, business all around the globe starts to pick up. Before we can get all that though, we have to dole out some finger wagging justice. And you know what that means.   A tip of the hat to newly liberated singer, Chris Cornell. Chris formally quit as frontman for the rock ubergroup, Audioslave, this week. While it's commendable enough that Chris has finally decided to distance himself from the destructive lifestyle that rock and/or roll music promotes, what's really getting the tip of my hat is the way he bid farewell to his former bandmates. In his statement he capped off by saying, “I wish the other three members nothing but the best in all of their future endeavors.” If that's not something straight out of the ol' WWE playbook then I don't know what is. It's the perfectly way to both show a public display of respect to former associates, while simultaneously flipping them the bird in a veiled effort to say, “Screw you, has-beens. I'm moving on up.” Cue “The Jefferson's” theme music. A wag of my finger however to the Smackdown creative team for booking the Boogeyman's first ever loss in WWE. The Boogeyman has been running roughshod over the entire roster ever since he arrived. Well, he was running roughshod when he wasn't rehabbing his extraordinarily injury-prone body anyway. The man has beaten the likes of JBL and Booker T, so a WWE Superstar with such a notorious winning streak should be promoted heavily. Instead, we see him lose in anti-climactic fashion to Finlay in a throwaway match. Is that any way to treat a stud like this? Umaga's winning streak wasn't thrown away so frivolously. If I were on the Smackdown creative team, I'd have booked an amazing storyline for him to suffer his first loss. Just imagine it: WrestleMania 23 ... The Boogeyman vs. “The Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valiant. The feud practically writes itself, people. A tip of my hat goes to WWE for the implementation of their new house show policy. It was recently reported that WWE Superstars are no longer allowed to leave the arena before the show starts after signing in as they arrive. Before, the wrestlers would sign in and then leave temporarily before the show started so that they could get something to eat, hit the gym to work out, or run other errands. I applaud WWE on this decision because it sends a strong message to their employees that showing up on time is not enough ... you have to widdle your time away inside the arena until after the show is over. It brings them down off their high horse and lets them get a taste of what thankless factory work is like. Have business that needs to be attended to? Well, you'll have plenty of time to do that in the middle of the night once the live events are wrapped up, boys. And a wag of the finger to Sylvan Grenier who was ticketed for speeding recently. That kind of irresponsible behavior is totally uncalled for. Of course, with Sylvan being Canadian he just had to throw out an excuse for receiving a speeding ticket by saying that he was only in such a rush because he was trying to get to the local gym in time before it closed. He alleges that he wouldn't have had to speed if WWE's new live event policy hadn't forced him to remain at the arena once he was signed in. Nice try, Sylvan. That kind of flippant excuse might work up north with your Inuit street cops riding mooseback through the arctic suburbs, but not in the US of A. A tip of the hat to Lance Storm for his critical analysis of TNA. While I don't approve of his support for Vince McMahon's enemies by offering tips on improving their product, he is undoubtedly doing a service to the fans by pointing out the infinite number of flaws with TNA's product. His commentaries are becoming increasingly pro-WWE and anti-TNA, in my view, which is always a good sign for a WWE Superstar to adopt. If he can keep this up he just might find himself with a cushy job back in Titan Towers as a professional mudslinger and muckraker. WWE could always use more of them. Speaking of Canadians, a thumbs down to whoever it was that decided to suspend Test from house shows. The “dirt sheets” are saying that it was Vince McMahon, but I simply refuse to believe that. Vince can do no wrong, and suspending Test is just wrong. On top of liking him for the fact that he's a Canadian who defected to Florida (Always a smart move when you're Canadian, unlike that hick state of Georgia ... Chris Benoit, I'm looking in your direction.), he's also got the perfect look that WWE needs as a prominent character on their broadcasts. So what if he may or may not have been caught with a needle in his ass. Surely, the WWE's Wellness Policy is loosely scripted enough for the company to turn a blind eye. WWE, do the right thing. Bring Test back to the fans. The Testicles will thank you. Thumbs up goes out to Joanie Laurer, aka Chyna Doll, on bringing awareness to animal cruelty. On Valentine's Day, with the help of the Barbie Twins (a new tag-team in the works perhaps?) she organized a protest on the steps of UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute. Without a single hint of irony, Joanie proudly stood in front of the building widely acknowledged for it's accomplishments in the field of mental health. It's good to see that she's got a cause to stand for and hasn't reduced herself to saddening displays of overt attention-whoring. You're one of the good ones, Chyna Doll. Thumbs down to Alex Wright who has recently opened a wrestling school in Germany called “The Wright Stuff”. I visited the site, which can be seen here, and even though I don't speak German it's pretty plain to see what Mr. Wright Stuff is up to. If I was Poland, I'd be looking over my shoulder right about now. You hear me, Scott Putski? Get your guard up! Now for a wrestling school that screams Americana, a big thumbs up to New Jack. New Jack has announced that he's opening his own wrestling school in Richmond, Virginia. He's quoted as saying, “If you want to get into the business you got to be trained by someone who knows old school, new school, and everything in between, and that's me!” You see, heroes. This is just one more reason why New Jack is greater than Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris might be able to teach you how to job to Bruce Lee, but New Jack can teach you how to no-sell the one inch punch and cut that bitch up. And you know for a fact that any man who comes out of that school is either going to be a tough son-of-a-gun ... or eating Christmas dinner through a straw. A thumbs up to Sean Waltman for scoring a cute piece of eye-candy named Alicia Webb. WWE fans might remember her as Ken Shamrock's on-screen sister (and off-screen girlfriend), Ryan. The kudos goes out with regards to Waltman being inspired by his time with Alicia to finally kicking that nasty nicotine habit. Though with news that MTV is canceling Wrestling Society X, the temptation to light up a cigarette may become even stronger to relieve the stress. And a thumbs down to Alicia Webb for apparently not being sexy enough or skilled enough in the sack to convince Waltman to also quit smoking marijuana. Darling, maybe if you spend more time putting the moves on your strapping young man, he might not feel the need to go dance with Mary-Jane. And a final tip of the hat to WWE Magazine for finally pointing out what I've been saying all along – Batista > Brock Lesnar. In the March 2007 issue, their monthly article “Fantasy Warfare” pits the reigning World Heavyweight Champion, Dave Batista, with NFL wash-out, Brock Lesnar. The article praising Batista for his “power and blazing speed” that would be no match for Lesnar. Cheers to that. The con that is the athleticism of Brock Lesnar has finally been officially exposed, while at the same time pointing out how Batista is stronger, faster, and more technically gifted. Truthier words were never spoken by WWE Magazine. On a side-note, I'm surprised to also learn from the magazine that the Goldberg chants were piped in. Was I the last to learn about this? Moving on ... It seems that I can't swing a cat on the Internet nowadays without hitting someone's blog. There everywhere now and the sports-entertainment world has even jumped onto the fad. Lex Luger even had a blog on MySpace before his account was inexplicably removed. And I was really looking forward his tips on how to take bumps in the ring. Man, that guy made taking bumps look so effortless back in the day – it was like as was as easy for him as lying down in a hammock. Even my hero has a blog now. Yes, Papa Bear himself, Jim Ross, has a blog that he posted on quite regularly. This got me to wondering just how useful a blog might be. To find out, I decided to visit some of the blogs of wrestlers and wrestling personalities to see just what is expected in a blog. My first stop was to JR's Blog. I miss the Ross Report so much that this site will hopefully help to fill that void. I wasn't disappointed either. I was able to read plenty of gems on his site. One that I particularly found thought provoking was ... I agree, Papa Bear. WSX confused the hell out of me when I saw an episode a couple of weeks ago. I mean, is it a rock show, is it a wrestling show, is it a freak show? Make up your minds, WSX. Pick a side. We're in a time of war. There's no time for fence-sitting. Oh ... that's right. You're canceled. Nevermind. My next stop was to MySpace where I found Kanyon's blog. Unfortunately, he hasn't updated it with a new entry since November when he set the record straight – no pun intended – on his side of the story surrounding his release from WWE. I've heard all of that song and dance that I need to read, but I did find it somewhat endearing that he seemingly let a child design the MySpace and blog with it's rudimentary display and color scheme. It shows his softer side. Not that I'm into seeing another man's softer side. It's just not my cup of tea, that's all. Seeking something a little more conservative, I headed over to The JBL Archives on WWE.com. This I liked for one big reason. It's simple. And if there's one thing that JBL is, it's simple. This blog has a little bit of everything in it, from the disdain towards the IWC to the ambiguous declaration that he'll be running for public office. It's also nice that the look of the blog keeps in sync with the rest of WWE's site. It must prove almost effortless for JBL to crank out one of these things. All he has to do probably is shout his entries into the quivering ear of an intern in an arena's shower room. Now that's convenience. My last stop was to ECW's official site and Tommy Dreamer's Diary of Violence. Talk about depressing. Ouch. If he's not apologizing to fans for what he feels are the faults of the new ECW, he's bemoaning about whether or not he should even continue his blog at all. Yeesh, after reading just a few paragraphs I already want to dress in black and listen to Good Charlotte. If his blog got any more Emo, it'd be posted on MySpace. Oh wait, I think it is. Nevermind. Hmmm. I think I've seen all I need to see. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly and I think know what needs to be done. JR and JBL are doing a fine enough job in representing truthiness and balls in wrestling's blogosphere, but I'm afraid we need more. I'm left with no choice but to start my own blog. The Boss Report needs to spread it's influence elsewhere ... and hopefully before it's too late. I shall be your shining light, heroes, in the darkness that is the dark and dangerous world of blogs. I give you Blog Foxx. It's got all the balls of the Boss Report, but it blog form. Read it, live it, love it. Well, that's going to wrap it up this week for the Report. If you've got any questions, comments, praise, or general wonderment that you'd like to share then just send me an e-mail at bossfoxx@gmail.com. In the meantime, don't take candy from strangers and brush your teeth twenty minutes before jumping into the pool. Now here it is ... your moment of Zen.  The contrast between good plastic surgery and bad plastic surgery is astonishing.
|
|