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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, February 17, 2007 at 1:19 AM EST
Welcome back to the column that really should be given free cheap seats for ‘ManiaThe Nosebleed Section. I am the pioneer of the elevation enhanced perspective, Randomguy#5 and I haven’t yet forgiven myself for not planning in advance to get tickets to ‘Mania this year. I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that “this is the year I’m going” so I guess we’ll have to start eyeballing ‘08’s spectacle and score some time off. If my broke ass would start saving my pennies and dimes now I’d be guaranteed, but what can I say, I have an affliction for Pizza Hut and orange Kool-Aid that saps away all my play money. Actually, that comes out of the “don’t die” budget. The real money eater is poker, which apparently I’m just good enough at to keep my hopes up but not good enough to actually make any money. I recently played in a casino against total strangers for the first time, having been playing home games and online poker for years, and it was a lot of fun. They were little one table tournaments for a $50 buy-in. I won the first one, which was sweet, and then played in two more that day, which I finished in 8th out of 9 on both occasions. Couple that with some sporadic Blackjack and I spent about five and hours in a casino and walked off almost dead even. So I guess that’s a win. Maybe I should start looking into Stand-Up Wrestling Orator or something. --Before I go to much further, I suppose I should take a second to explain where the hell Monday Night Countdown has been. First, I want to say that I greatly appreciate all of you who have emailed me and asked about it, it’s awesome to know that so many people enjoy the show enough to take the time and tell me that it should be brought back. However, I thought you guys should know that I’m not sure Morpheus will be coming back. As many of you know, Morpheus has a SERIOUS affliction. The man is literally beyond obsession with ECW’s Ariel. And since WWE posted these pics of the fanged Diva, I can’t help but think that Morph has spent every waking moment since Christmas jacking off at his computer while staring at this….  All kidding aside (and that was kidding I assure you) Morph’s been busy as hell and battling some health/computer issues, not to mention ten feet of snow. Couple that with us having taken some much needed time off after a flurry of shows in November and December, combined even further with my spending some time out of town the last few weeks, and it’s just been hell for he and I to make room in our personal and professional lives to record the web cast we’ve grown to love so much. We’ll be making another attempt this weekend (as we do nearly every weekend) and hopefully the show will be back and better than ever. **EDIT** Told you we'd be back soon! The latest Monday Night Countdown is now available via links on the Lop Mainpage or the bottom of this column!** --Since I’m in a picture posting mood today, I wanted to share this with you as well. It’s an email I received from a fan shortly following the WWE’s Royal Rumble PPV. I watched the Royal Rumble last night and during the end of the Last Man Standing match between Umaga and John Cena, I thought I had already seen this before. The all the columnists and whatnot have said how original the ending was. Then I realized where I'd seen it. Check out the picture. --Jon  Good stuff Jon, thanks for the email. On a partially related note, why is that I find myself yearning for a Kahli/Umaga alliance? I do…and part of me wonders if there isn’t something seriously wrong with me because of it, I just think that from a storyline and humor standpoint there are some interesting storylines that could happen. Obviously them feuding would be a disaster (though an Umaga face turn is interesting) but the sheer hilarity that would ensue out of the two of them backstage somehow understanding each other’s grunts and groans would be amusing. What if they fell in love and conceived a child? Yes! And the child would turn out to be Estrada’s thus sending Umaga into an incoherent yet highly hysterical rage of Samoan death before battling Kahli to the death thus ridding the world of Kahli! Alright….that was probably too far. For those who aren’t familiar, a little over a year ago I set out on this little project to track the titles of wrestling’s major promotions through the year. I really should have done the “4th Quarter” report right after Survivor Series and a sort of “year end wrap up” a few weeks ago, right before Royal Rumble. I had initially slated Royal Rumble as the start of the wrestling year. In reality, that should probably be Wrestlemania, so I delayed this one a bit in order to A) cue up the first quarter of next year right after Wrestlemania and B) give storylines time to develop in order to better assesses the title situations. To be honest, I’m currently evaluating these things having never done them before this year, so if you’d like to see them continue or if you think they suck, let me know one way or the other. Recommendations regarding timing would be appreciated as well, what the hell, we’ll make this “The People’s Column” or some shit. Hence the “Randomguy” moniker, I’m one of you, fuckers. The rankings of these divisions and titles are based solely on my own opinion and I am taking into account the perceived “divisions” or people regularly in the title hunt, perceived credibility both of the belt itself and the champion at the time, in ring work, potential in the immediate future, recent past, storylines and entertainment value. If you care to take a look back, I’ve taken the liberty of linking to some of the older columns of interest regarding the title situations. Strap-On: A Look at the Professional-Wrestling Championship 1st Quarter Title Report 2nd Quarter Title Report 3rd Quarter Title Report #12 WWE Smackdown: WWE Cruiserweight Championship Current Champion: Gregory Helms 4th Quarter Rank: 12th Highest/Lowest Rank: 10th/12th Average Rank: 11.0 By all accounts this has been the most worthless belt in professional wrestling this year. I was so excited to see Gregory Helms resurrect his career and step out of the Hurricane gimmick yet apparently Smackdown creative has given two shits about the cruiserweight division, which is a real shame. When used correctly, the WWE has a solid formula for booking cruiserweight matches by providing a stark contrast to the normal punch/kick/slam style of the heavyweights while still not booking the smaller wrestlers higher on the card or turning their shows into spotfests. Helms has held the belt for a year now since taking it off Kid Kash and has battled complacency from the creative team and injuries to lead the entire division to a stagnant state. It’s not all his fault, and this division is always a strong storyline and a few matches away from being as hot as it was when the brand split first occurred and Smackdown featured it, but that just doesn’t appear likely to happen anytime soon. #11 WWE Raw-World Tag Team Championships Current Champions: John Cena and “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels 4th Quarter Rank: 9th Highest/Lowest Rank: 8th/11th Average Rank: 9.75 Note here that for the 4th Quarter I actually had the tag belts up a few spots into 9th and truthfully that’s probably a spot lower than they probably could have been. Looking at them from a yearly perspective though, while the straps may be on the two biggest stars right now and just came off two other big stars in Edge and Orton, the belts mean virtually nothing-they are literally just props right now. Remember when we were all excited over the Highlanders? Remember when Cryme Tyme won a match and became the #1 Contenders to Edge and Orton’s belts? Remember they joy and excitement at the proposition of The Hardy’s and/or MNM pumping life into this division? All seems to be a mute point now. Raw’s tag team wrestling has been so horrid for so long, I think even the bookers have forgotten. I understand that by its lonesome tag-wrestling isn’t a draw, but surely the WWE believes that when added to a solid main event a strong tag team feud can make an average card into a great one. I’m giving up hope until further notice. #10 WWE Raw: WWE Women’s Championship Current Champion: Mickie James 4th Quarter Ranking: 11th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 7th/11th Average Ranking: 9.5 It’s been a very up and down year for the Women’s Title. While the Mickie stalking Trish storyline was one of the year’s best the disarray that’s followed Trish’s retirement and subsequent confusion surrounding the title right now has really hurt the division. Because of her involvement in other storylines, and apparent poor attitude backstage, management seems unwilling to push Melina as a competitor and continues to flirt with the idea before ultimately balking at it. Victoria is just sort of there and after a solid month seems to have fallen away. Poor Mickie really does deserve better and now more than ever I find myself wondering what exactly Gail Kim did to get herself fired (and if there’s video tape of it?). #9 WWE Smackdown: WWE Tag Team Championship Current Champions: Paul London and Brian Kendrick 4th Quarter Ranking: 8th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 5th/10th Average Ranking: 7.25 The rankings really jump here as we’re move past the really lower-teir titles and into the true ‘midcard’ of American wrestling. Brian Kendrick and Paul London have come into their own this year and in the 4th quarter had some really good matches so a ranking of 8th may be a little harsh (but I have my reasons, namely what’s a head of it). The biggest problem here is a lack of competition for London and Kendrick. Seems that every opponent rolled out for them (with the exception of MNM and the Hardy’s) is billed as “rough” tag team who just “beats people up” and “reminds [Cole] much of the old APA”. Lame. If Deuce and Domino are the answer, what exactly is the problem? Oh well, they’re capable in the ring and have a decent (at best) gimmick so they should fill in until something breaks one way or the other. Unlike the its Raw counterpart, the Smackdown Tag Titles have some hope, though I worry that they’re still on the fence and could easily fall into the shitter at any moment. #8 WWE Smackdown: United States Championship Current Champion: Chris Benoit 4th Quarter Ranking: 7th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 4th/9th Average Ranking: 6.75 If I said “poor Mickie James” regarding the Women’s Title, then what’s happening to Chris Benoit is just a travesty. He’s had solid feuds with Finlay and Kennedy yet there doesn’t ever seem to be a chance for Benoit to move up the card where many, including myself, prefer to see him. Furthermore, Smackdown seems to be filled with guys like Benoit, Kennedy, Kane, Finlay and others who would be solid US Title competitors if the WWE would stop trying to present them as main eventers who never get title shots. Chavo Guerrero was awesome in his feud with Benoit, so as much as I love Benoit, the wrong guy went over. Benoit could have ascended to the main event while leaving Chavo to hold down the US Title. This is a solid though underused midcard-title. #7 NWA-TNA: X-Division Championship Current Holder: Chris Sabin 4th Quarter Ranking: 10th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 2nd/10th Average Ranking: 6.75 The X-Division title tied in ranking with the US Title but the tie breaker went to TNA thanks to its highest ranking of 2nd overhaul in the 2nd Quarter. Of course at the time, TNA was running Styles vs. Joe vs. Daniels and the X-Divison was once again starting to look like the focus of that company and the future of wrestling. Nowadays, all that has fallen by the wayside and the X-Divison title is about Chris Sabin using a walker and wearing a diaper while Daniels prays and Styles….wow…what the fuck happened to AJ Styles? I know the guy needed a character overhaul but damn. Meanwhile TNA has completely neglected to develop bigger X-D stars out of Sabin, Petey Williams, Alex Shelley or any of the other Paparazzi or Raven’s flock flunkies. TNA needs to refocus its X-Division because it can at times create some space between them and the WWE, rather than simply demonstrate that they too can underutilize cruiser weight talent. #6 WWE Raw: WWE Intercontinental Championship Current Champion: Jeff Hardy 4th Quarter Ranking: 4th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 4th/8th Average Ranking: 6.0 While I didn’t do this title ranking business in ‘05, I would say that ‘06 was a bounce back year for the Intercontinental title. Jeff Hardy has been a very serviceable champion having had great feud with Johnny Nitro who before that had great feuds with Shelton Benjamin and Carlito. I’d like to see some elevation here and perhaps see Kenny Dykstra get a feud with Hardy before ultimately lumping many of this title’s competitors into a Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania (haven’t heard any plans for that yet, but it’d be cool). I’m a little disturbed my Nitro having gone MIA, and I’m wondering what a Jeff Hardy heel turn would look like, perhaps to align with Edge and/or feud with Carlito. I’d also really like to see Umaga take this title at some point, but not until the WWE is willing to make him look beatable. Overall, I’ve greatly enjoyed the Intercontinental title this past year. #5 WWE: ECW World Title Current Champion: Bobby Lashley 4th Quarter Ranking: 5th Highest/Lowest Ranking: 5th/6th Average Ranking: 5.5 The fact that it’s the only championship on it’s show is really about the only thing that even gets this championship ranked as high as it is. I’m probably giving it a free pass for the last time, because to me there just isn’t much to get excited about here. Lashley is about as exciting as tube socks on fat ugly feet and his Wrestlemania opponent will almost certainly come from Raw or Smackdown, a testament to the suck of the ECW roster. Test just wasn’t what they hoped he’d be and now with his apparent failed drug test I don’t expect him to be around the title much. I suppose Snitsky could step up as Lashley’s ‘Mania opponent, which isn’t much to get excited about since Snitsky is quite possibly the most disturbing looking individual I’ve ever seen-he makes me want to close my eyes or change the channel not root for Lashley. Elijah Burke is on the cusp I’d imagine which again shows the lack of depth in ECW and I sure wish I knew who’s bag CM Punk shit in backstage because months ago I thought there was real money in a Lashley heel turn and a feud with Punk. The WWE has lost all faith in Sabu and RVD, further hurting this title. I am genuinely concerned for the future of ECW right now. #4 TNA: NWA Tag Team Champions Current Champions: The Latin American Exchange (LAX)-Homicide and Hernandez with Konnan 4th Quarter Ranking: 6th Highest/Lowest Ranking 4th/7th Average Ranking: 5.5 Trust me-there’s a reason LAX won the first ever Horseman Pennant during the Mencee Awards for stable of the year. They are quite simply the most entertaining and dominant stable in a wrestling landscape largely devoid of good stables right now and through this year they’ve had tremendous feuds with America’s Most Wanted, Styles/Daniels, and now Team 3D. The group has added a much needed dose of character to TNA’s otherwise juvenile and cookie-cutter roster while putting on highly entertaining matches with a variety of opponents. Quite simply, they’re everything a tag-title should be and the manner in which TNA uses them should be making WWE booker’s take notes. I’d really like to see the LAX group elevate a bit and mix up with some legitimate main eventers in order to assert themselves as the most dominant group in TNA. They’ve earned it, and could make for interesting television once they’ve run out of “normal” tag teams to feud with. #3 TNA: NWA World Heavyweight Champion Current Champion: Christian Cage 4th Quarter Ranking: 3rd Highest/Lowest Ranking:1st/5th Average Ranking: 2.5 After a very rocky start to the year that saw them ranked as low as 5th during the 1st Quarter TNA rebounded to turn in a very respectable year for their Heavyweight Title. Jeff Jarrett was the epitome of stale before relinquishing the belt to Cage. When he regained it later TNA freshened up the story a bit and had people lining up to hate Jarrett. Once he finally took a step down and took some much needed time off the main event scene really picked up. Sting winning the title was right move when it happened though I was a little surprised to see it hotshot to Abyss quite so soon, especially only to be transitioned to Christian within a month. Still, from this one situation we’ve developed Cage’s heel character to a main event level, set off a GREAT feud between Abyss and Sting that’s made me hate Sting much, much less (he’s much better in the mind games role than he is in the uber-baby face role). I can’t believe Christian retained against Angle, though that has setup another solid feud as Angle should be able to carry the stiffer-than-riggamortis Steiner. I’d like to see Cage go over Joe in a royal screw job at Destination X only to have Joe win the Title at Lockdown. TNA has finally gotten their main event shit together and has load of potential contenders with Christopher Daniels (though I don’t think he’s ready), a baby face Jarrett, a heel Styles, and Rhino all on the outside looking in beyond those already mentioned. #2 WWE Smackdown: World Heavyweight Championship Current Holder: Batista 4th Quarter Ranking: 1st Highest/Lowest Ranking: 1st/3rd Average Ranking: 2.5 Over the last 3+ months I have this title ranked as the most entertaining division in professional-wrestling. The feud between Batista and King Booker golden and served as an appropriate end to Booker’s very successful title reign and a great springboard for Batista’s. Kennedy performed fantastically in his stop-gap feud with Batista and has managed save enough heat (assuming he doesn’t job to Lashley outright) that he’ll be back soon. He is a no doubt a future Heavyweight Champion. The Undertaker has really picked up his game in recent months too, having been working quite a few more matches than what’s normal for him, most of which have been of a very high quality. Batista is crazy-over with the fans and his match with ‘Taker has the potential to be a real classic if both can stay healthy until then. It will be REALLY interesting to see how things transpire between Batista and ‘Taker the next few months, if one ends up going heel, and who goes over at ‘Mania. A big part of me feels like these two may be starting one of those really awesome blood feuds with multiple swerves and gimmick rematches after Wrestlemania, ala Batista/Triple H two years ago. If not then Kennedy, Booker, Benoit and Kane could all ascend to challenge the winner, and that’s if there isn’t a post-mania draft this year, which I wager there will be. #1 WWE Raw: WWE Heavyweight Championship Current Champion: John Cena 4th Quarter Ranking: 2nd Highest/Lowest Ranking: 1st/3rd Average Ranking: 1.75 The present feud with Shawn Michaels coupled with the promise of an awesome extended feud into the future really saved this championship from what might have been a tremendous plunge following an awful fourth quarter that saw Cena doing nothing a good majority of the time until a mediocre feud with Umaga. Umaga is a capable in ring performer but was booked to look so unstoppable that I really thought it had booked Cena into a corner but he managed to pull out a very convincing win and entertaining match out at New Year’s Revolution. HBK was absolutely the right choice as Cena’s Wrestlemania opponent and much like Batista/Undertaker I can see potential for an extended feud here though I don’t think it will happen unless one of them pulls what would be a welcome and somewhat shocking heel swerve. I’m starting to wonder if Cena won’t pull something akin to Austin at Wrestlemania 17 aligning with McMahon, perhaps? Not how I’d like to see it transpire, I’d rather see Michaels go heel of the two at this point, the only real guarantee I’d say is that we’ll see a surprise or two along the way. Edge and Orton are about the only real contenders outside of those two, and they look to be setting up a solid feud with each other. The WWE will miss Triple H more after Wrestlemania than they do right now, as pickings get slim after Michaels/Cena. We’ve seen Edge and/or Orton against Michaels and Cena vs. Edge. That leaves only Umaga/Michaels (suck) or Orton/Cena (double suck) as unseen main event feuds with the current cast. Draft my friends, draft. Still, what we’ve seen in RKO vs. DX, Cena vs. Umaga, and Cena vs. Edge has been above average by today’s wrestling standards and Michaels/Cena could go for a while, affirming the long held belief that the Heavyweight Championship on Raw, whichever title that may be, is the most prestigious and entertaining title in sports-entertainment today. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch Boo to the Westminster Dog Show! What sort of perverse society do we live in that something as reprehensible as a dog show can preempt wholesome American entertainment like the flagship of WWE, Monday Night Raw? That shit’s more boring than Al Gore on volume at the Canadian Curling Championships. How it routinely year after year gets the blessing of executives at USA to preempt one of their more successful programs is beyond me, though I haven’t bothered to check the ratings for the show (probably in the 12.0’s or some shit, thus rendering me moronic). Perhaps USA inked some sort of ridiculous lifelong contract with them that pays a Gazillion dollars or something but because of that parade of arrogant rich fucks and their $10,000 dogs with their $2,000 hair cuts I missed the first hour of Raw this week. Sure, I could’ve bothered to check and make sure that the new day’s airing didn’t start an hour earlier than usual, but then again I could’ve made some calls to some friends at Wi Chong’s Korean Dining and had those mutts end up in minced meat soup in time for Smackdown tomorrow night. Bide your time Kibbles, I’m coming for you next year, and I’m bringing Asian delicacy chefs with me! Cannon Fodder I seriously hope one of Bob Backlund‘s children is dying of cancer. Wait, that came out wrong, let’s try that again. What I meant to say was that I hope they need some sort of terrifying and obscenely expensive experimental surgery….shit….WHATEVER the hell is going on, it better be dammed serious to justify that sort of shit that he’s lowered himself to, not to mention wasting precious airtime on Impact, something TNA just doesn’t have a lot of. I’m all for “sports-entertainment” but that crap he’s doing is mind-numbing to the point that I can almost hear my brain-cells begging me to find out what’s on ESPN. A bit of a break this week with his seemingly pointless and random cameos appearing to escalate into a “feud” of some kind with Chris Sabin, who continues to make Lance Storm look like a genius with his idiotic (though more amusing than Backlund) old man impressions. Cheap Pop I‘ve never been much into the blog scene, which is strange I think given my love for random shit that people write online. However my good friend Boss Foxx has gotten himself in a bit of hot water lately and it‘s led to some absolutely hilarious blogging from Lop‘s prince of parody, Boss Foxx. A cheesy cheap pop to Boss Foxx‘s blog. which is entertaining reading in between Nosebleed Sections. Click and read, and tell ‘em Random sent you why doncha? Damn what a long-ass column. For those who may not have ever tried the column writing thing, what you just finished reading is about an 11 page column in Microsoft Word, kiddies. That took about an hour and half longer than what I had planned on and now I’m falling asleep at my keyboard, see what you made me do? Seriously, I know I’m not as consistent as I probably should be about my column posting but there’s no deneying that I churn out some epic monsters when I do sit down to write. Hopefully, that along with the Countdown makes us even. Speaking of, be on the look out for a new Monday Night Countdown at some point, it‘s coming. The Project has gotten some updates lately also so while I’m in love with LOP you can click the banner below and check out my mistress. If you feel compelled you can click the address link below also and send me a piece of feedback and let me know if this whole Quarterly Title Report thing is something I should continue doing for next year or not. For anybody interested by the way a few quick stats: The average title ranking by show looks like this: Raw-6.75, Smackdown 6.815, and TNA Impact 4.9. By my rudimentary calculations that means that while Raw’s World Title held the top spot for much of the year, TNA actually makes better use of their titles than does the WWE, with Smackdown’s booking making poor use by comparison. Sounds about right to me actually. My current plan from here is that I may head into a “The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly“ series about each of the brands and take an in depth look at each of the shows best and worse. But-that‘s a tale for another day as I‘ve drawn this column out long enough as is, so thank you mi amigo‘s for visiting The Nosebleed Section, but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Free internet radio station ran by yours truly featuring all the best in hard rock and mainstream metal. If it seems like anything you’d be interested in listening to, give it a spin while you’re reading through some columns on Lop or The Project.  Hi-Fi Edition Low-Fi Edition --Hi-Fi Editions are slightly larger files and take longer to download but are better audio quality. Low-Fi are more dial-up user friendly. 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