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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Monday, January 22, 2007 at 12:06 AM EST
 Hello, heroes. Now if you didn't recognize the intro then I'm saddened to inform you that you are unfamiliar with the pure unadulterated awesomeness that is He-Man. When I was a kid, I could not get enough of that cartoon. It was one of the true gems in television history during my childhood and an immensely entertaining distraction between chores and homework... which I usually delegated to exchange students, so that I could watch television. Brilliant plan, I must say, for an eleven-year-old. I swear that currency is almost as entrancing to foreign kids, as candy is to the fat kid in school that everyone makes fun of ... It was glandular. Fuck off. Anyway, after watching an episode of He-Man this weekend on some site called "You Tube" (A remarkable site that's worth checking out, by the way. I hope it catches on with the public.), I started thinking about all the nostalgic things that I loved during the 80's. He-Man. Mr. T breakfast cereal. Tag-team wrestling. All things that were popular in the 80's, yet never endured in the decades to follow. Then I watched Smackdown this past week and witnessed something glorious. Somethings glorious, to be more accurate actually - Deuce and Domino. These guys are one more piece of the Rubik's Cube in Smackdown's tag-team division. Wait, is that analogy right? Yeah, it must be. I said it. At any rate, Smackdown is looking up with it's blossoming bevy of tandems. It's like the girl in high school who haunted the hallways with her depressingly flat chest, only to finally emerge from her titty cocoon during senior year with a firm round set of juicy casabas. The difference being here that Smackdown has blossomed with more than one set of ample bosoms and has more of a set of them ... kind of like a farm animal or something. God, I'm off my analogy game this week. I'm not usually so anally-challenged. Wait, is that the right word? Moving on. Deuce and Domino are just what the doctor ordered. Tag-team wrestling has been a dead art for too long. Raw has finally started to get on the ball with their collection of teams, and now Smackdown is joining suit. Of course, such investments come at a cost. Before the new can be heralded in, we must first toss out the old and haggard remnants and dead weight. And that's exactly what WWE has started doing this past week. It's sad, I know, to lose so many wonderful wrestlers but it's for the greater good. So as a tribute, I'd like to take a moment to remember those who we've lost ... whom we've lost. Is it "who" or "whom" there? We remember. Tony Mamaluke - He was the Scrappy Doo of the Full Blooded Italians. The little scamp was the cruiserweight of the group while Little Guido was the ... Ummm .... the other cruiserweight. In reality though, this should be good news for Tony. ECW had no cruiserweight division to speak of, unless it was covertly named the Full Blooded Italians. Now that he's free from the shackles of a giant-dominated promotion, he's free to join up once again with his old stomping grounds of Ring of Honor, where their midget division has been flourishing since it's inception. At least, I assume that it's a midget division considering the women of the promotion tend to outweigh a majority of the wrestlers. Rodney Mack - Wow. I didn't even know that this stud was still on the payroll. How could WWE have passed up the opportunity to revisit the "White Man Challenge"? That was some ratings gold back in ‘03. I'm sure ol' Redd Dogg will be just fine out there on the independent circuit. He was in such high demand the last time he was released by WWE, I imagine that his stock will have risen even more so this time. Jazz - Alright, this is a little embarrassing for me, as I only just found out that Jazz is actually a woman. I thought she and Rodney Mack were really WWE's first same-sex couple. Second, actually, if you count Pat Patterson and Gerald Briscoe. You gotta cut me some slack though on this one. Cut her hair, slap on a goatee, and I defy you to distinguish from Charlie Murphy. Hell, if Harvey Wippleman could win the Women's Title, how could I bat an eye when some chick that looks as mannish as her wins the belt? Maybe TNA can hire her now to play Miss Tennessee's twin brother. CW Anderson - The WWE always gets criticized for nepotism, but I think this firing has helped further clarify that WWE doesn't play favorites. I say this because I presume that CW is the son of Arn Anderson. I mean, if even the Enforcer can't keep his own less-talented son employed then it shows that no one is immune to being released. Just look at the seventeen times that WWE has released Dusty Rhodes' son, Dustin. Sure, nepotism might be responsible for him getting rehired every time, but the allegation of nepotism is negated every time he gets fired for embarrassing his family's namesake. Sylvester Terkay - This release befuddled me, I must admit. And that's not easy for me to say ... because I'm not entirely sure what "befuddled" means. Terkay was like a diamond in the rough that is the WWE development territories. Forget about his inability to convey the slightest hint of personality or mic skills. Forget about his awkward mat techniques and clumsy timing in the ring. Forget about the fact that WWE once released him before for failing to improve in any notable fashion years before. The guy is big. That should be enough to hang on to him. Oh well, maybe if he'd been "Khali" big, Vince might have seen fit to hang onto him instead of firing him yet again. Gangrel - Sorry, Gangy. WWE was over quota in their vampire wrestler department. You should have been more versatile. Sure, you've been working that gimmick longer than Kevin Thorn and arguably have done a better job of it over the years with your fangs and ceremonial spitting of the red Kool-Aid, but how long can one man go as basically a one-trick pony? If only you could have demonstrated more versatility in your gimmick to keep it fresh. Look at Val Venis and Scotty 2 Hotty. To the untrained eye, they might appear to be working gimmicks that have been expended of any trace of marketability or nuance, but there's just so much there that's been untapped in those gimmicks. So many stories left to tell. But hey, TNA could always use a vampire. With Jeff Jarrett still on the sidelines, they need someone to fill the role of a bloodsucking leech. Al Snow - Oh, Al. It's adorable how you can appeal to the pity vote of the WWE fans. Reaching out for their sympathy, as they watch a wrestler whose greatest accomplishment was made by teaching aspiring wrestlers to do what he was unable to do – become a popular wrestler. Look on the bright side though. Now that you don't have to worry about getting in the ring to remind fans that you actually know a few moves yourself, and that you're still clutching to that mannequin head like it's an umbilical cord acting as your sole connection to a past where fans actually gave a damn ... now you can concentrate on what you're best at – training wrestlers to become expendable commodities in a promotion that chews up developmental talent like it's Bazooka Joe. WWE Developmental Talent - Jack Bull, Seth Skyfire, Ryan Reeves, Mike Taylor, Tracy Taylor, Tony Salantri, Thomas Farra. We hardly knew ye. Actually, we didn't know ye at all. The key thing to remember when you pick up your final paychecks from WWE is to not be bitter. It's not that you folks were untalented. It's that your lack of talent was to a degree that it couldn't be masked by cheap gimmicks from WWE Creative. Hmmm, now that I think of it, maybe it was because you were untalented. I don't know, I don't watch OVW or wherever it is you guys wrestled. All I know is that WWE is a forward thinking company and needs to make room for the superstars of tomorrow. And to do that WWE needs to cut all of you loose – the superstars of tomorrow. Tatanka - Chris Chavis, I think I may miss you most of all. It was because of you that I realized that a moderately popular wrestler could come back to WWE in his late 30's, displaying a noticeable beer belly, and use the exact same vignettes that were used in the early 90's to introduce your character. All while not even acknowledging the least bit of irony while doing so. Any time someone litters on the highway, I'll shed a single tear ... and think of you, old friend. Bill DeMott - Now Bill, I don't want you to hit the panic button or anything over this. Everything is fine, all is well. Pay no attention to the fact that WWE is dropping you and nearly all development talent associated with Deep South Wrestling. It's pure coincidence. WWE still holds DSW in high regard and would never consider disbanding the small development territory. Sure, DSW's assets are gradually being liquidated. That's status quo type stuff though, and it's nothing to worry about. A couple of minor things, however, as the ring is being repossessed and all remaining talent is being relocated. That's nothing that DSW can't handle though, am I right? Bam Bam Bigelow - I was surprised to see his name mentioned on WWE's website this weekend. Heck, to be perfectly honest, I thought he was dead. Anyway, I didn't really read the article on the site about him since I assumed it was the same write-up that all the other wrestlers were receiving (We wish him all the best in his future endeavors). I just figured that he was one of the several ring veterans that were hired last year to help out with the younger talent. I guess he was just dead weight with the company or something compared to the others under contract like Brad Armstrong, 2 Cold Scorpio, and Henry Godwinn. I'm sure he'll be fine though. Something like this should be easy to recover from for a star such as Bam Bam. You never know, maybe there will come a day when we finally get to see that rematch with Lawrence Taylor. I'd like to think he'd get some redemption for that loss before he dies. On a happier note, the Royal Rumble is coming up this Sunday. This is possibly my favorite PPV of the year. So often when you get more than four guys in a ring at one time, the entire match can turn into nothing more than an instant clusterfuck. But there's a brilliance to the Royal Rumble match in that the match is paced much slower than a regular battle royal, allowing any clusterfuckery to occur at gradual intervals. It's kind of like taking your cough medicine in staggered doses, rather than chugging the whole bottle in a fit of depression. Oh sweet elixir, why do you tempt me with your syrupy goodness? Anyway, I figured I would give all of you a heads up on what to expect at this year's event. Now, don't think of these so much as "spoilers". Instead, just think of these as remarks that reveal the most important plot elements of the show, denying you the proper suspense and surprise. Got it? Great. 2007 Royal Rumble Pre-Review The Hardy's vs MNM - This focus of this feud has now switched. Before, we had the undercurrent of Jeff Hardy and Johnny Nitro feuding heatedly over the Intercontinental Championship. That seems to have taken a backseat for the moment, however, as the new plot line revolves around Matt Hardy and what's left of Joey Mercury's face. And I say kudos on that, as it's about time that the IC took a back seat to a limited plot device that will ultimately lead nowhere. We just don't see that enough. What is really going to rock people's socks is when we get the inevitable "Face/Off" storyline. MNM is going to damage Matt Hardy's face so terribly that Matt will actually end up undergoing experimental surgery to have Joey Mercury's old face grafted onto his skull. Then Mercury will take Matt's old face and have it surgically grafted to him. Then we'll get to see some incredible role-playing as these two wrestlers essentially switch roles, with Matt playing Joey and Joey playing Matt. What will be even more incredible than the forced impersonations of another (just as Nic Cage and John "I'm Totally Not Gay" Travolta did in the classic film) will be the complete disregard for the obvious discrepancies in height, weight, and mannerisms. Bobby Lashley vs Test - I can hear the RVD marks now. Why isn't Mr. Tuesday Night in the title match? Well, kids, I'll tell you why. RVD does not fit the mold of the new ECW and this match at the Royal Rumble is going to exemplify what this new ECW is all about. ECW is an extension of WWE, and what is WWE all about? The big men, that's what. Lashley makes for a great extremish champion. He's extreme-lite. He's diet extreme. Just one calorie. Then you have Test, the golden boy of Shane McMahon and the WWE yes-men. After cutting costs by firing him while he recovered from neck surgery, WWE skillfully rehired him after he recovered and bulked up to a degree that suspicions of steroid use were not only common, but generally accepted as fact. So now we have the true battle of the titans at the Rumble. It's like seeing Coke taking on Pepsi, only in this case we get to see the war between Oxandralone and Nandrolone. Batista vs Mr. Kennedy - I really have to applaud the strategy that Vince has used to make the fans clamber in anticipation for this match. Fans are going to be absolutely tickled pink to see Kennedy in the ring with Batista because it will mean that they can finally see Kennedy in a match that doesn't involve Undertaker in any way, shape, or form. By just beating the dead horse that is the Kennedy/Undertaker feud, fans are chomping at the bit to see Kennedy squaring off with just about anyone else. Heck, they probably would have settled for a feud with Funaki. And there's the genius of it all. Put him in the ring with the World Champion and the fans will practically explode in their pants when the Rumble comes around. And just think if Kennedy wins the World Title, he could feud with the Undertaker at WrestleMania for the belt in a rejuvenated rivalry (if Taker were to win the Rumble, which I'll discuss a little later). Who wouldn't want to see that Last Ride Match again, but this time with the title on the line. I smell buyrates. John Cena vs Umaga - What could possibly be more exciting then their first encounter? How about adding the "Last Man Standing" stipulation? Yeah, that'll work. If it's half as good as the Last Man Standing match that we saw last year between Undertaker and Great Khali ... it'll be half as good. Okay, I got nothing there. But think of it like this; we've got a challenger to the WWE Title whose past claim to fame was as a wedding crasher at the commitment ceremony of Billy & Chuck. Look how far Jamal, I mean Umaga has come. Now that he's gone back to his roots ... or at least Kamala's roots, he's got a new lease on his career. Umaga is the flag bearer for WWE's new talent roster – an average wrestler with a borrowed gimmick and an anti-climactic finishing move. It's new age, baby. Get with the times. The Royal Rumble - It would appear at first glance that the door is wide open for nearly anyone to walk away as the winner of the Rumble this year. It's being called the most star-studded Royal Rumble in history. With hype like that, it could make one grasp at straws in trying to figure out just who will be the one to get his hand raised. Don't let the hype fool you though. I'm about to boil this whole thing down for you, and show you that there's just one name in this match who will ... nay, must win and go onto WrestleMania. First of all, if you're betting on an Extremist to get the "W" then you're living in a fantasy land alongside the people waiting for Ultimate Warrior to get inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. ECW's presence in the Royal Rumble is nothing more than WWE's answer to affirmative action. They're token entrants meant to appease the fringe group of fans still clutching to ECW's past. Teams in NFL Europe have a better shot at winning the Super Bowl than an Extremist has in winning the Royal Rumble. Any wrestler who already has a Rumble victory under their belt is out of contention as well. Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, and Chris Benoit are out. Without the D-X theme running at full steam now, HBK's chances of remaining over with the fans seems slim to me. Sorry, Shawn, but the gravy train with biscuit wheels had to come to a stop sometime. A Flair victory could certainly capitalize on the "Rocky Balboa" aspect of an old man making good one more time in the spotlight, but there's just one problem. Flair could literally drop dead at any minute. Critics say that Flair could have a five-star match with a broom, but how good could he be when the broom has a stronger pulse? Chris Benoit just doesn't seem to have a passion for the business anymore. A former World Champion walking around with the US Title is just kind of sad. It'd be like U2 settling for an VMA award instead of going for the big prize ... the MTV Europe award. Tag-team wrestlers have no shot either. Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Edge, and Randy Orton are not cut out to be main eventing anything right now, let alone the biggest show of the year. Now, some of you might look at the names of Edge and Orton and say, "Hey. Either of those guys would make great opponents for Cena at Mania." I won't argue against that, but these two are holding onto tag-team gold right now and are helping to rebuild that division on Raw. Sure, they haven't really defended those belts against anyone other than D-X, but that's not the point. The point is that they're champions and act as beacons for the rest of the division to aspire to. Lead by example, you might say, and the best leaders usually don't associate themselves with the common folk directly. Former world champions just don't fit the mold to walk away with a Rumble win this year. WWE wants something fresh to head into WrestleMania. Rey Mysterio won last year and went onto win his first world championship, and it was glorious. The approach they took in making the World Champion look completely inferior to every wrestler he faced in a non-title contest was a work of sheer brilliance. You just can't capture that kind of magic with someone who has already held that big brass ring. Sadly, that means the likes of Kane, King Booker, and the rumored favorite Undertaker just won't be getting the win this year. That leaves us with seven names announced to be part of the Royal Rumble match. Let's break this down even quicker with the lightening round. Kenny Dykstra ... too young. Finlay ... too old. Chris Masters ... too many steroids. The Miz ... too few steroids. Chavo Guerrero ... too Guerrero-ish. Carlito ... not Guerrero-ish enough. That leaves us one name on the list of announced competitors, Montel Vontavious Porter. This man just might be the total package when it comes to a prospected Rumble winner. He's like the baby porridge of physiques in that he's not too big and not too small, he's just right. The fans hate him too, which is great news for any heel. Heck, it's almost as if the fans hate him too much. How great is that? He's got an impactful finishing move. Hmmm. What was it again? That Overdrive thingy that Orton first used when joining WWE? No, was it the school boy rollup? No, although he has used that an awful lot to win matches. Is it that version of the Snow Plow that he used last week on Smackdown? Man, I can't remember now. Oh well, whatever it is that he has for a finisher, it's great. Then there's his gimmick of being the MVP of sports-entertainment, which is a gold mine in itself. The only thing that could have made the anticipation of his debut any better would have been if anyone had actually heard of him before. Add all that together and it's practically written in stone that WWE's next big thing is MVP. Well, that's going to do it for the Boss Report this week. Hope you aren't too shocked and awed with those Rumble spoilers. I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for fans not ordering the show now that they've learned the results. Heck, I'd like to think that my service hear has helped to further convince you that you absolutely need to order this pay-per-view. If you'd like to thank me for this public service, feel free to send me an e-mail at bossfoxx@gmail.com. In the meantime, it just wouldn't be a column without one of these, so here it is ... your moment of Zen.  R.I.P. Bam Bam *NEW GALLERY* Amazing! RAW's Melina Taking a Shower Backstage!
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