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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, December 17, 2006 at 4:56 PM EST
 Vol. III: The Welcome back once again to the FBG. It's been a long time since the last time we met in these hallowed halls, but rejoice for I have returned... TO JUDGE YOU ALL! Nah, I'm just kiddin' ya. I'm here actually to take a closer look at one of the religions that we've already discussed in a FBG – Christianity. Christianity is a lot like a high school in that there are several sub-sects and groups within the religion that segregate themselves from one another and ridicule one another in a constant jockeying for supremacy. Lousy preppies with their designer jeans and professionally styled hair. My daddy could have bought me a Mustang for my sixteenth birthday too if he hadn't already spent that money on frivolous things like food and fire-wood. Assholes. Anyway, in this edition of FBG we're going to take a look at four specific branches of Christianity and see if we can't find the right wrestler for each of them to rally for. In the first volume, we learned that Christianity's first choice was none other than Vince K. McMahon, although that was through deciphering mainly the tenets of Roman Catholicism since it is the largest meta-group of Christians. So why don't we just set Vinman and the Catholics aside, allowing us to branch out and seeing what else Christianity has to offer.  Mormonism - This religion came about in the early 1800's, established for the most part by Joseph Smith who was heralded by followers as a prophet for God. One of the more notable traits of Mormonism include plural marriage. Joseph Smith told that he was contacted by an angel on more than one occasion to take multiple wives as in the olden days otherwise he would be slain by the angel. Yeah. A smiting angel told him that. He wasn't crazy. They also believe that the word of God doesn't stop with the New Testament, but continues on through the Book of Mormon – a book that can be easily attained through any of the countless missionaries that seem to knock on my door incessantly through the summer. Mormons also seem to believe that Native-Americans are descended from Jewish heritage through the prophet Lefi, despite DNA evidence that shows there is no recognizable traits between Jews and Native-Americans. Far be it for science to discourage blind faith however. After being on the receiving end of countless ass-kickings from more orthodox Christians, persecuted Mormons gradually migrated westward in North America until they eventually settled in Utah. Even then, other Christians took exception to Mormon's assertions that they were the only Christians with apostasy, which was restored by their founder Joseph Smith. This and other controversies over the religion led to the Utah War. So, for a religion that is persecuted by fellow Christians, believes in polygyny (one man marrying multiple women), and heralds their founder as a prophet to their Almighty God, who is there in the professional wrestling community that they can turn to as a hero and a champion?  ... Joseph Smith. Who else? In Heidi Swinton's book, “American Prophet: The Story of Joseph Smith”, she praises Smith for having never lost a wrestling match. That's impressive, boys. In one passage of Smith's own writings he describes an altercation with a Baptist preacher from Ohio. After trespassing on Smith's property and abusing his family allegedly, Smith recalls, “I turned him out of doors. He raised his cane to strike me and continued to abuse me. I whipped him till he begged.” Now that takes talent... to whip an old preacher's ass who uses a cane. Don't I wish more champions could show such admirable qualities as Joseph Smith.  Evangelical Protestantism - Protestantism came about in large part due to Martin Luther, who helped during the 1500's to make a formal separation of several churches away from the Roman Catholic Church. This was in large part due to Protestants unwilling to recognize the Pope as a mediator between God and man, and acting as the one true authority of Christianity. Catholics and Protestants have shared a very volatile history with eachother... to say the least. But their conflicts were temporary and quite dated from past centuries. Nowadays, Protestants and Catholics get along famously, with no hostile feelings towards eachother in the slightest. Just don't go to Ireland. Evangelical Protestants also tend to take a more literal meaning from the Bible in their interpretations rather than a more symbolic meaning like other forms of Christianity. Evangelicalism tends to refer to the “Born Again” aspect of Christianity and a person's personal act of being saved by Jesus and placing Christ at the absolute forefront of their lives. This particular section of the religion is often identified as the Christian Right in North America, despite the existence of members of the denomination in both the left and center of the political spectrum as well. So where might a predominantly conservative Christian, with underlying resentment towards Catholicism and a very literal interpretation of all that is written in the Bible, find the right professional wrestler to proclaim as their favorite?  ... Bret “The Hitman” Hart. If there is to be an antithesis to Vince McMahon, like Protestantism is to Roman Catholicism, then the Hitman is the one for you. The guy basically claims to represent the true virtue of professional wrestling and decries Vince McMahon for being nothing short of a fraud and a phony. After parting ways with Vince and the WWE, much in the same way Protestantism separated from Catholicism, Bret began to speak out against his former employer in an attempt to expose him as not being the almighty ruler of sports-entertainment. Much like evangelism, fans grew weary of listening to Bret's incessant rhetoric to a point where they dismissed him entirely, save for his most die-hard of fans. An Evangelical Protestant should have no problem with identifying with a man who holds such qualities, but just don't worship him or put him before your God. Commandment #1 after all.  Jehovah's Witnesses - Oh shit. Everybody be quiet and no one answer the door. Morpheus, turn that damned radio off or else they'll know we're home. Damn it. They're always showing up on my doorstep on Thursday afternoons. This denomination currently holds between six and seven million followers, and they are firm believers in the second coming of Jesus Christ to Earth. They are a relatively pacifist group that follow the Bible as it were the inerrant word of God, even though their version of the Bible is criticized for having notable differences from traditional translations in the rest of the world. Witnesses also have a remarkable structure to their governing body, not completely unlike that of Roman Catholicism, although there are some slight differences as it can more closely resemble a classic “Pyramid scheme” to some outsiders... like me.  Witnesses can sometimes be affectionately referred to as “buzz-kills” for their strict views towards Christianity and society as a whole. No gambling, no Christmas, no birthday parties, patriarchal family structure, modesty towards dress and personal grooming, no alcohol, no violence, no blood transfusions... Yeah, you read that right. No blood transfusions. Sorry, sickey, you'll just have to go without blood donations and pray to have yours divinely replenished or something. Tough luck. With all this in mind, where might a Jehovah's Witness find a professional wrestler that best exemplifies what they're all about?  ... “Double J” Jeff Jarrett. Just like a Jehovah's Witness, this guy just doesn't know when he's worn out his welcome, and for many of us that welcome got worn out a long time ago. Actually, to be honest, if I had to make the choice between listening to a Jehovah's Witness prattle on at my doorstep and schill off “Watchtower” booklets onto me and listening to Jeff Jarrett verbally induce a coma with one of his droning promos, I'd probably go with the Witness. Jeff Jarrett is his own biggest fan and has managed to alienate himself from any kind of popularity in the mainstream... just like you know which religion. You'd be hard-pressed to find a better candidate to be the wrestling posterboy for Jehovah's Witnesses than that guy. Gah, just looking at that picture makes me want to turn the channel. And my television isn't even turned on.  The Westboro Baptist Church - Ah, the Christian equivalent to the creepy uncle that no one likes to talk about. Seriously... Fred Phelps, the churches founder and leader, is about as welcome to a public gathering as the Bird Flu. Actually, that's a little harsh. Bird Flu isn't that big of a pox on society. If you aren't familiar with this congregation, which is located around Topeka, Kansas, I envy you. The hate-mongering group is not only devoid of any kind of Christian merit, but is also less a church than it is a clan. More than 80% of the diminutive congregation is made up of Phelps' own family members who all followed the old bigot to the new church after he was voted out of his old church for spewing hate and inane rhetoric. The deranged doctrine of the church primarily revolves around their hatred towards homosexuals and those who tolerate, condone, and sympathize with homosexuals. They also hold several other bigoted views, including antisemitism, but their homophobia tops the list currently on their “To Do” lists. “Fags Die, God Laughs”, “God Hates America”, “Thank God For 9-11”, and even “God Hates New Orleans” are displayed on signs during their many protests of soldier's funerals and other public gatherings. They basically believe that since the world has accepted homosexuality that we are all condemned to Hell, and they're none too shy about letting us know either. These deranged hicks also believe that Armageddon will see God hold the entire world accountable for not condemning homosexuality, and the Westboro Baptist Church will act as “expert witnesses” during the day of judgment to send all us sinners straight to Hell. Wow. Place yourself on a pedestal much? So, where oh where might we find a professional wrestler that good ol' Fred Phelps could root for while he watched wrestling from inside his heavily fortified compound that houses his congregation from the rest of the world?  ... El Homo Loco. Some say that homophobia is derived from latent homosexual feelings within the person. If that's the case, then the members of the Westboro Baptist Church are FLA... MING. So, I can think of no better wrestler for them to rally behind, literally, than the prized babyface of ISW (Incredibly Strange Wrestling). And the WBC flock is just inbred enough that they'd probably be too stupid to realize that they'd be cheering a wrestler that they would for all intents and purposes despise. Here's his profile from ISW's official website... “Undeniably one of ISW’s top fan favorites is the flamin’ champ El Homo Loco. While not the biggest wrestler in ISW, El Homo Loco is never afraid of some hot man-on-man action. Loco has gone up against some of ISW’s mightiest including Count Dante, El Pollo Diablo, The Poontangler and La Chingona, and his stormy, whirlpool romance with boyfriend and frequent tag partner The Cruiser has become one of ISW’s most endearing (and enduring) storylines. Tireless defender of the gay race, El Homo Loco’s secured a spot in the history books as a pioneering gay babyface in the largely homophobic wrestling world since his auspicious debut in 1996, and remains ISW’s most talked about and written about wrestler ever.” The End That wraps up yet another volume of the FBG. I hope you all got a kick out of it. And if you didn't, well fuck it... Better luck next time, when I write the fourth edition that should be hitting the CF sometime before the end of the summer. Promise. If I'm lying, may God strike me down here and now. Before I leave you guys though, I just got to give you that bit of salvation that so many of you clicked onto the column's link to see in the first place. So without any further ado, here it is... your Moment of Zen.  Virgil's Official Fan Club is even bigger than I remember. *NEW GALLERY* Whoa Payton!! VERY HOT Modeling Shots of Payton Banks!
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