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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Friday, December 1, 2006 at 2:14 AM EST
Parental Advisory- Heavy Adult Content Welcome back everybody to the column trying to fill the void in the Columns universe The Nosebleed Section. I am the dildo trying to fill the vagina sized hole created by Tito’s retirement, Randomguy#5. What can I say, when I see a power vacuum I can’t help but to step in and make an ass of myself as I try and fill it. Ultimately kids, its yet one other motivating factor to try and remind me to make time to write more often. After all this time its still something I love doing-I mark for the adoration of strangers and the quassi-celebrity status. Actually I suppose I should take a few minutes to explain that, as it seems to be coming up lately in reader emails. Once upon a time I was just some schmuck in college with a keyboard and an immense enjoyment for reading Lop, which I’d been turned on to by a college roommate (gloating that the WWE was bringing back Kevin Nash as “Diesel” which of course was just rumor that got dropped). I immediately fell in love with the columns of several main pagers, namely Snapple and Daveyboy. (To this day, Snapple’s “Letters to Triple H” segment is my favorite of all time). Of course while reading these works of art I stumbled across the incomparable Mr. Tito’s “Wrath of Tito” columns. To be honest (and I can say this now that he’s retired, ;) ) I never much cared for Tito’s work. I always found him WAAAAYYY too “smarky” especially back then. My thought was always something like “Dude, if you hate wrestling so much, why bother writing much less writing columns telling the rest of the world how much it sucks?” After reading the work of Tinnali and her “XY Files” in a COTM, I decided “yeah, I could do this column writing thing”. I joined the forums, immediately fell in love with the work of Doublehelix, Xanman, Dubzilla and Pt2 and after getting e-backslapped around by Winter for a while, “The Nosebleed Section” was born under the “Randomguy#5” moniker as I was attempting to portray the viewpoints of “just some Random fan, sitting in the cheap seats”. That was of course before I learned that all new columnists start off with that exact same shtick. That was three years ago last month (Christ how time flies) and I’ve learned a bit since then. My views on Tito and many of the IWC vets have changed quite a bit since then. I now greatly respect all that Tito accomplished as an author and his views on wrestling. To do the things he did, and write with the consistency over that amount of time, establishes him in my mind as the quintessential wrestling fan and my beloved lordsofpain.net will not be the same without him. Enjoy your retirement gramps, us young kids will hold down the fort until you do what all associated with wrestling do, and un-retire. --Is anybody else a little surprised to see MNM put back together? I thought Nitro was doing fairly well for himself, didn’t you? To be fair, I never thought they should have split up in the first place, and their reunion along with the reunion of The Hardyz, Cryme Tyme, and The Highlanders seems to be putting together an entertaining little tag team division. Of course, it’ll all get blown off, but hope flows through a wrestling fans veins, does it not? --Lashley in ECW makes ZERO sense and further demonstrates that while ECW is still a decently entertaining product and may develop into a highly entertaining one, anybody who was still harboring any hopes of a new incarnation that looks anything like the original ECW had best gouge out their eyes with Test’s steroid needles right now. --Speaking of ECW, the hype for the “December to Dismember” PPV has been the worse I’ve ever seen from a wrestling company. I didn’t buy Survivor Series because I’ve got personal issues with spending thirty-five bucks on a show I’m going to watch by myself. It makes me feel pathetic, like an addict or something. Of course the fact that I can’t find any friends to watch it with me doesn’t alleviate the ‘loser’ feeling either. Anyway, that’s Survivor Series, which I didn’t order. I’ll not be ordering December to Dismember simply because they’ve only announced four matches for the show. Are you kidding? That is suck in a bottle. Shame too, I was [thisclose] to ordering both. I’m still a fan at heart, I’m just a broke one. With no friends. *tears* --To whom it may concern, Keep Jerry “The King” Lawler out of the ring at all costs. He serves a purpose once a year to job to some young heel, fine. But multiple weeks consecutively jobbing to a heel who doesn’t really stand to gain anything from the situation, that’s just awful. I really don’t like bitching about wrestling too terribly much (for fear of becoming that which I once hated) but to be fair, on Raw Monday night the first 45 minutes gave us DX/Flair vs. The Spirit Squad, Eugene vs. Hacksaw, and a Diva battle royal. Seriously folks. As most of you know (and if you don’t, where the hell have you been?) I co-host a semi-regular audio program entitled Monday Night Countdown with fellow Lop columnist Morpheus. The other day I was doing a little scouting and checking out some of the competition on the ‘net and after drawing some conclusions regarding things we can improve on I got a bit caught up in the dialogue of the co-hosts, who were talking about the cyclical nature of the wrestling business. That is to say, that the wrestling business goes through down cycles and ‘up’ cycles when it is more popular and subsequently profitable. Now, I know that the vast majority of wrestling insiders subscribe to this theory as evidenced in countless interviews I’ve read over the years. I don’t really want to say that I disagree with the idea as there’s just too much evidence to the contrary. I do however think that it comes off as something of a scapegoat. It’s too easy for prominent industry leaders to say “well wrestling goes in cycles and right now we’re in a downtrend.” Blah. So what? So you’re going to sit on your hands and use this as an excuse to not even bother? That’s probably too harsh an assertion. To be fair I think wrestling goes in cycles because there’s only so much ‘new’ that the business can come up with at a time. It takes time to create new gimmicks, characters, etc and as many have suggested, wrestling fans “grow out of” wrestling. Why? I can remember being in my freshman English class in college and having a professor who was obsessed with the “meaning” of things around us. He constantly wondered what it meant that society was entertained by certain activities and as a result often suggested that I would one day “grow out” of my love of wrestling, even asserting at one point that as I became more educated my love of professional wrestling would decline. That was five years and a bachelors degree ago. Maybe when I get my Masters I’ll feel more inclined to look down upon sports-entertainment. Maybe you don’t get the snobby nose to turn up in the air until you get your doctorate. Hell I don’t know. What I do know is that there are times now when I enjoy wrestling as much as I ever have. Maybe that’s a direct result of my missing a good majority of the late nineties, when wrestling was in its most recent “upswing” and thus I haven’t experienced as much “good” programming or haven’t been subjected to the medium as long as most. Regardless of those factors, I do know that there are times when I am genuinely as excited to watch sports-ent4ertainment as ever and even find myself branching out more into other companies, Indie circuits and wrestling history than I ever have. It does however irk me that wrestling programming seems SO geared towards a younger audience. Perhaps that’s hypocritical of me to say that after the preceding paragraphs, but it’s a fact. Both of North America’s two major promotions offer a heavy dose of sophomoric humor and juvenile antics in their programming. At times there are gimmicks, characters, or storylines that I truly believe are targeted towards a much younger demographic than the traditional male, age 18-24 demographic the WWE has targeted. Now, my question is, what would be so wrong with an adult oriented wrestling program? This is an idea I’ve touched upon in many columns in the past but never really taken the time to develop. Assume for a second that wrestling goes in cycles. Now, this evidence dates back a long, long time ago but the most obvious time periods that people will point to are the WWF boom in the late 80’s fueled by Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Piper, Ultimate Warrior, Randy Savage and others. Watching those old tapes then, while it’s easy to find an abundance of material specifically targeted at kids. Shit, Hogan himself was targeted at kids. 30 year olds didn’t mark out for “Whatcha gonna do?” They didn’t pop as hard for Warrior sprinting to the ring and then shaking the crap out of the ring ropes as their children did and they weren’t the ones who were scared of Jake the Snake or The Undertaker (a few years later). That particular boom of wrestling was fueled by certain characters and business innovations (PPV, Cable TV, etc) sure but primarily it was the result of a specific generation of fans. The kids who were begging Mom and Dad to buy the Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior wrestling buddy doll. (I had both). Fast forward some ten plus years if you will and the same five, six, seven or ten year old kids that were putting down their Ninja Turtles and screaming as Hogan slammed Andre (one of my earliest memories in life) were then teenagers screaming “Suck It!” “Know Your Role” or “’Cause Stone Cold Said So”. Wrestling went through its downtime, but it hit another peak when Hogan’s N.w.O. tapped that same audience. Vince screwed Brett, Turner screwed Vince, Austin beat Jake and blasphemed and the Attitude Era is born, with the same generation of fans, now older, buying all the 3:16 and “Suck It” T-shirts they could afford. Fast forward yet again and you find wrestling’s cycle ready to turn up again, having been nearly ten years again since the last boom started. That’s about four years on and six years off for wrestling, a pattern that has maintained for about two decades now. Problem is that same generation that fueled the first two business booms are now in their mid-to-late twenties. I would presume, they are ready for their wrestling to grow up with them. Now that doesn’t mean we’re ready to dump the sophomoric humor and scantily clad women. On the contrary, many of us still use wrestling as an escape from the higher education or corporate world that we’ve slipped into. However, I do truly believe that its time for a more mature wrestling program. When wrestling last boomed, many attributed it to the “attitude” and their constant pushing of the cultural envelope. Have you ever considered what shocks your grandparents? What they find offensive you now find perfectly acceptable if not cliché. While I appreciate the taboo associated with beer drinking, crucifixions, middle fingers and the words “hell” “damn” and “bitch” I cannot help but feel that these things are simply not cutting edge, at all, in modern culture. They’re certainly not enough to capture the imagination of a generation of wrestling fans who’ve grown up with Mortal Kombat, South Park, Eminem, Marilyn Manson and a blossoming horror genre in cinema. Vince is closer to the age of his fans grandparents than he is to the age of his fans. What he and his gang of merry men consider taboo, we consider blasé. Why do you think Edge’s “Rated-R” gimmick and “live sex show” were some of the highest rated in WWE history? Why do you think the promise of a re-launching ECW created such a buzz only to disappear when it proved to be Raw-Light? Those things tapped into that generation of wrestling fans, only to let them walk back out the door. Why do you think TNA fails to draw any substantial ratings? They’ve yet to peak our interest either. I’m hearing entirely too much “crap” on my wrestling programs and not nearly enough “shit”. How about, if we’re to believe in kayfabe that there are these leagues of fighters doing these extraordinary things, one of them actually says “fuck” instead of “freaking”. You want a substance abuse character? Beer doesn’t cut it anymore, you’re going to have to give me somebody on Meth or Ecstasy. You want sex? How the hell do all those skimpy clothes not get ripped off? Yes, the religious right will get pissed off. Then somebody tell Vince to quit pussin out. Remember the feuds with the PTC? “Controversy Creates Cash” right? Grow a pair. Muhommed Haasaan, Edge’s Rated-R gimmick, Cena’s Rapper gimmick, hell even RVD’s drug bust, these are all opportunities to quit tip-toeing around taboo and cross the fucking line. Yeah, I know, I hear you. Parents wouldn’t approve and wouldn’t let kids watch, thus killing your future fans for the sake of hitting the one generation that made Vince rich. And yes, few networks would be interested in carrying such a show. Here’s a thought: scrap the abortion known as the ECW revival and give us a real cutting edge wrestling program on a real channel. I nominate the insanely successful HBO. Nudity, real cussing, substance abuse, sex-you know, all the things you’d expect to see in a federation of fighters doing these types of activities. Fuck Rated-R. I want wrestling rated NC-17, or at least rated MA. TNA used to hint at this sort of programming early on in their PPV only days. The WWE, being the machine that it is, has the resources to establish Smackdown as the show aimed at children with over the top characters, immature pranks, and corny gimmicks while maintaining Raw as the flagship at a level closer to Attitude Era intensity. Meanwhile, why not roll the dice and usher in the next major boom in the wrestling business by actually pushing the fucking envelope with ECW or some other such program on either a premium cable network, late at night on a more risqué cable network, or hell even a cheap weekly PPV show. Don’t cross promote the shit out of it and bastardize the concept of an underground, adult oriented wrestling program, instead let it be what it is and let somebody with a set of stones book the thing. Generations of wrestling fans can start on free TV with Smackdown and eventually graduate onto Raw before finally reaching adulthood with the wrestling business by their side. C’mon Vince. We’re still here. The same generation you’ve always had, and we’re still faithfully waiting in the wings for our beloved wrestling to grow up with us. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch You have to give credit where it‘s due. The team of Randy Orton and Edge are extremely hate-able. Their partnership and feud with DX has gone on a bit longer than I expected but its cool with me by virtue of it further their characters while providing for some decent television. I’m still dying for Cena to do something with the title, but if that can’t happen, DX vs. Orton/Edge is making for a decent main event and hopefully the demise of Flair will send DX into a rage which they need to do every now and then to, as Triple H says, “Remind us who they really are”. Cannon Fodder With all due respect to the recently departed Lita and Sabu being fed to Umaga, I feel it only fair to hand this award to Samoa Joe who tapped the fuck out to Kurt Angle. Is that not absolutely shocking to anybody else? I can’t help but be pissed, TNA took what should have been two hot commodities on a crash course towards each other and jobbed one out for one night of payoff. A mistake in my opinion, but they may make something out of it before its all said and done. At least they’ve gone a unique (for them) route in that face vs. face storyline. AJ’s going heel which is a brilliant move in my mind and kudos to Sting for taking the bump on the tacks, I didn’t see that coming either and REALLY didn’t see him dropping the strap to Abyss. Crazy shit going down in TNA. Cheap Pop God save The Boss Report. I would tell you how awesome Boss Foxx is, but it seems as though he’s everybody’s favorite e-friend and I hate to be trendy. So instead I’ll just tell you that he writes a damn fine wrestling column in a very unique format. I highly encourage you to check out his last two works as they’ve both been stellar. Revenge of The Boss Report kinda breaks kayfabe a bit for Foxxie but it’s an extremely funny piece with some good wrestling commentary, and his latest work entitled The Boss Report Will Survive.is his more classic style and Fox at his Finest. Thank God I talked him out of retirement. Now, if I could only talk Ayatollah into retirement. Or suicide. That was fun. I have fun with all my columns or I wouldn’t write them, but for some reason I enjoyed that one a bit more than most. Hopefully you did too. If not, your taste in wrestling opinion columns must really suck and I don’t know how you made it this far. At which point, go find an Ayagollah column to read or something. Please check out some of the links I’m dropping below as their all endeavors that I’ve worked very hard on and would greatly appreciate your feedback and support. I’ll hopefully catch you guys this weekend with a new edition of Monday Night Countdown and again in another week or two with a new Bleeder. Until then, I bid thee farewell and thank thee for visiting the The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Free internet radio station ran by yours truly featuring all the best in hard rock and mainstream metal. If it seems like anything you’d be interested in listening to, give it a spin while you’re reading through some columns on Lop or The Project.  Hi-Fi Edition Low-Fi Edition --Hi-Fi Editions are slightly larger files and take longer to download but are better audio quality. Low-Fi are more dial-up user friendly. *NEW GALLERY* Photos of BATISTA With His HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND!
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