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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, November 26, 2006 at 4:20 AM EST
 Welcome to the Report, heroes. Ummmm... hunh. Listen, about that last column... ummm. It might be fair to say that some of you were taken aback by my behavior. Well, for that I must apologize. You see, my painkiller prescription ran out a little over a week ago and I was unable to get a refill prescription from my doctor, so I resorted to buying some... shall we say “under the counter” (wink, wink) painkillers from one of the local “entrepreneurial pharmacists” (nudge, nudge). Long story, short – he sold me crack. I'm feeling much better now though, aside from the occasional trembling in my extremities... and my gums still itch. Other than that though, I'm peachy. But hey, all life's lessons come with a price don't they? For some it's a bruised ego, for me it's recovering the overwhelming addiction to narcotic drugs. We've all got our crosses to bear. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I said some things I didn't mean. I came down really hard on quite a few people in a way that I just don't think is befitting a man such as myself. While there are some who were well deserving of the verbal raping that I unleashed (Michael Cole, I'm looking in your direction), there are others were not so deserving. In fact, I feel I must make a heartfelt apology to those that I regret my words from last week... namely, Vince McMahon. Which brings me to this week's word.  Vince, c'mon. You know I was kidding. It was just the drugs talking. (And if anyone knows drugs...) I love WWE. Just love it, love what you've done with the place. You've really spruced it up over the years. (Extreme Makeover: McMahon Edition) I can't say enough great things about it. (Literally. Cannot say great things about it.) You truly are a visionary. (Tunnel Visionary) I mean, I can't count how many times I've witnessed to people the remarkable and forward-thinking innovations that you've brought to the industry lately. (Counting to zero hurts his brain.) You're an icon, sir, simply put. (Emphasis on the “simple” part.) A paragon of excellence in the world of sports-entertainment. The things that you've been able to do are truly awe-inspiring. (Still in silent awe after watching that “McMahon's Ass” webtoon.) Take the time, for instance, that you allowed yourself to be booked as “the higher power” when Stone Cold was feuding with the Undertaker. Sure, you could have passed that role off to someone who might have held a more tangible relationship with the Ministry at the time and displayed a more coherent connection to the dark side, but you didn't. (Jake Roberts had a court date?) You saw the opportunity to try and re-capture the excitement of an Austin/McMahon II feud to rejuvenate your company back to the top of the heap, and you took that opportunity. (Austin/McMahon I left so many unanswered questions.) Sure, revealing yourself as the higher power basically contradicted everything else about the storyline up to that point, and the Austin/McMahon feud had been exhausted of any original ideas long before that time, but you didn't worry about any of that. (Everyone else worried plenty for you.) You saw a dead horse on the ground, still twitching it's last signs of life, and you decided to beat the ever-loving piss out of it while steam was still rising from it's carcass. (Die Flicka! Die!) God bless you, Vince. (Just kidding.) Moving on, it's time for a Boss Report mainstay. It's time for a tip of my hat and a wag of my finger.   First, a tip of the hat to my favorite promoter, Vince McMahon, for signing former NFL all-star Monty Brown to a WWE contract. After reading the interview Mr. Brown gave on WWE.com, I am thoroughly excited about the inevitable debut of this young talent. Sure, 36-years-old might not be considered young in the technical sense when it comes to professional sports, but that's beside the point. Monty Brown has name value for obvious reasons. He's started with the Buffalo Bills and the New England Patriots, even playing in Super Bowl XXVIII. Unfortunately, the interview didn't delve into what kind of wrestling experience he has, but I'm sure he'll learn quickly. Heck, football players have successfully transitioned their careers from football to wrestling in the past, so if Monty Brown plays his cards right then he might actually make a name for himself in the world of wrestling before he turns forty. A wag of the finger to Sabu for falling asleep during a WWE television taping. I must say that I'm glad they saw right to job you out to Umaga for that kind of behavior, 'Bu. How anyone could drift off to sleep while a broadcast is going on is beyond me. That'd be as absurd as hearing about fans drifting off to sleep while watching the telecasts. Straighten up and fly right, 'Bu. I think you've spending a little too much quality time with that friend of yours, RVD, and his girlfriend Mary-Jane. She is nothing but trouble and will only break your heart.Another wag of the finger, this time to Long Island. While WWE was in town for a taping a while back, fans thought it would be cool to chant “TNA” during a RVD/Hardcore Holly match. Well let me tell you something, Long Island. TNA is not cool and chanting their initials is even not cooler. Long Island, next time you find yourself watching a Hardcore Holly match just do what the rest of the WWE fans do, sit quietly and keep your mouths shut. Shame on you. It's a wonder how the Hampton's even put up with being located there.And an expectant tip of the hat of John “Bradshaw” Layfield, who is rumored to be expressing interest in getting back to wrestling in 2007. Thank the wrestling gods, it'll be morning again in America. Now I won't just have to listen to JBL refuse to put over and utterly bury Smackdown Superstars such as Sylvan, The Miz, MVP, and other fellow heels. Now I can see him bury them in matches during the new year. Christmas really did come early this year.Speaking of APA alumni, a concerned wag of the finger to Ron Simmons and the resurgence of his catchphrase. Quite literally, the only words uttered from Faarooq since his on-screen return have been profanities, specifically the flagrant use of the word “Damn!” For a man who has become known during his quiet retirement for speaking with children at schools on doing the right things in life, Mr. Simmons is now cashing in on his vulgar language with a new t-shirt that brandishes the profane catchphrase. Ron, Ron, Ron. Won't someone please think of the children. What child should be seen walking around in a “DAMN!” t-shirt? What kind of family values does that shirt reinforce? Why not a more kid friendly shirt that says something like “DARN!” or “SHUCKS!” or “SHAZAAM!”? Now that's a shirt I'd let my kid wear.Another wag of the finger to whoever it was that quit WWE as their Video Blurring Editor. That's got to be the most important job to have right now in WWE that doesn't require any actual knowledge of the WWE product... second only perhaps to Creative Writer. Thanks to those panda-hugging bastards at the World Wildlife Fund, it's been necessary for WWE to blur all “WWF” logos from their DVD releases and broadcasts. Now you're leaving WWE in the lurch while you go off to pursue that lucrative career of video blurring in Japanese porn? Is that it? Well, good riddance, sir. I hope you get food poisoning while you're over there watching hours upon hours of pornography... Hmmm. I should update my resume.An extreme tip of my hat to ECW on Sci Fi, which gained in the ratings this week to a 1.8 cable rating. Bravo, folks. I knew it was only a matter of time before the show's shift towards a less extreme format would pay off. Extreme Championship Wrestling is just a brand name after all. I mean, when I buy Grapenuts I don't expect to actually get either grapes or nuts. So why should we be taking it as a given that when we see Extreme Championship Wrestling, we should see something that's “extreme”. Heck, the “wrestling” part could probably stand a toning down as well. Then the brand would be even more like the other two.A friendly wag of the finger to Dave Meltzer for his excessive use of the word, “we”. I don't tend to visit many wrestling sites outside of WWE.com, but someone suggested that I check out Dave's site to see the peculiar grammatical anomaly for myself. Sure enough, I found several of his posts involved hype to his subscribers on various subjects... all starting with “We” at the beginning of a sentence. Heck, there was one instance where I counted the use of the plural pronoun more than twenty times consecutively in one of his posts. Now, Dave, let's be real. We all love referring to ourselves in the plural form from time to time, and when I say “we”, I of course mean “me”. Heck, we've often referred to ourselves in the plural form while out on dates. Sure, it can lead to some confusion and awkward moments at the end of the night, but that's the risk we take when we're out on the prowl. Anyway, Dave, when it comes to word usage in your writing it's best to mix it up a bit and try not be come off so repetitive and redundant. If you ever need some grammar lessons, Dave, just look me up. You might become a little gooder than you are now.A tip of the hat to Mickie James for not being a cry baby after taking a vicious looking knee to the face on Raw last week. When Lita dove off the top rope and hit Mickie, I cringed, and it had nothing to do with Lita's recent in-ring ability this time. I was genuinely concerned for Mickie's welfare, so I was quite relieved to learn that she's alright and going to be able to keep performing. She's just so adorable that I guess looks can be deceiving... If I didn't know I better, I'd swear she's taken dozens of shots to the face while on her back before.And finally, a tip of the hat to everyone involved in WWE with keeping the name of Eddie Guerrero fresh in our minds. It's hard to believe that Latino Heat passed away over a year ago, yet his name is one of the most used in storylines to this day. I mean, wow, it's really hard to fathom that when you think about it. Chris Benoit, Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, and even Vickie Guerrero have all managed to help perpetuate the exploitation of Eddie's legacy for the sake of WWE's earnings. It really goes to show that when a wrestler dies a tragic death after years of service to a company, it doesn't have to end there. If only Vince had managed to talk Owen Hart's widow into taking part in some kind of storyline that could help supplement the loss of income while, at the same time, keeping the legacy of the Blue Blazer alive. What wonderful times those might have been. Ah well. At least we can rely on Eddie being used to sell merchandise more than John Wayne and Frank Sinatra combined.Well, that's all the time that I have for this week's edition of the Report. I feel like I'm leaving something out though. Something about the weekend. Was I going to preview something? I don't think it's a PPV weekend. WWE would have hyped the bejesus out of that for weeks if there were a PPV this weekend. I remember the Royal Rumble being mentioned on Raw last week, but that's not until January. Was is the John Cena match against K-Fed? Nah. That's not until New Year's Day. Still plenty of time to hype that future classic. Was there an ECW PPV happening? Nah. WWE hasn't mentioned anything about that beyond the Elimination Chamber. That's just one match, so that PPV must be a long ways away from being broadcast. I don't know. It probably wasn't that important anyway. I'm sure it'll come to me. Anyway, until our next meeting just keep sending me those e-mails. I read them all and reply to most. And if you have some spare time, you might want to stop by the Column Central Forum on www.lopforums.com where the Columns Forum Hall of Fame has just debuted. Our first two inductees have just been added, Tito and Wevv Mang, with six more on the way in the coming weeks. There's even some talented up-and-coming columnists trudging away in there. They're all maturing quite nicely as writers, but when they've got a role-model like me to lord over them, they can't help but improve. So until next time, here's that little nugget of joy that so many of you have clambered to see. Here it is... your moment of Zen.  If only Rey had used the chair on the creative team instead. Maybe things would be different. *NEW GALLERY* The WWE Developmental Divas REVEALED! Must See Shots!
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