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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Thursday, November 23, 2006 at 12:50 AM EST
Kane’s House All is quiet in the retirement community. Except for the community center. There, the parking lot is filling up, as guests arrive for a very special Thanksgiving holiday feast. A van pulls up, parks in the far corner of the parking lot. Two men get out. Stone Cold: Couldn't you park closer? DDP:Bro, the van don't handle like she used too. I can't afford scratching some one’s car! Stone Cold: Look around! Do you see any Beamers nearby? HELL NO! They’re all Hyundai and Fords! I doubt they’d even notice a scratch! Now we gotta lug all this beer ALL the way over there! DDP: That’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing! Think of all the fresh air and exercise we’ll get! We’ll certainly build up an appetite! Stone Cold: I hate you DDP! (Under his breath) Please Lord; let this movie be a success! I can't take much more of this. And bless the pygmies in New Zealand. DDP: What was that? Stone Cold: Give me a hand! Inside, the place is bustling with activity. People are scurrying to and fro, setting places, moving platter loaded with food. Big Show is trying to remain inconspicuous, leaning up against a wall. He looks around, and then tries to sidle closer to the table loaded with food. Another pauses, another look, another sidle. He finally gets near the table, and reaches out to grab a roll. Bossman: BUSTED! Big Show: AH! I wasn't! Just making sure this roll..uh… Bossman: Save it tubby! I caught you read handed! Bossman reaches over and grabs a roll, and takes a bite. Big Show: HEY! Bossman: What? I was hungry. Say, aren’t you supposed to be directing things? Big Show: I tried, but Trish took over. I tried to offer some suggestions, but well, she made me see that she had things well in hand, and well, here I am. Bossman: Uh-huh. (Bossman makes a whip cracking sound). Big Show: Oh yeah? What about you? I heard her tell you to keep an eye on Kane. Bossman: Please. No woman is going to tell me what to do. Besides. I found some one to take over for me. Bossman points with his roll over to where Kane and another man, covered in tattoos are setting up chairs around the table. CM Punk: My girl should be getting here soon. I hope she followed the directions I left for her. I made them as simple as I could. But you know, huh? You have anyone special in your life Kane? Kane: I used to. But things went wrong. They always do. You could say our love was doomed on the day we met. But I really thought things would get better after the wedding? CM Punk: You were married? I had no idea. Kane: No. After I won Lita in a match, I forced myself upon her. The way she screamed and clawed me was so cute. I impregnated her with my evil seed, and that corruption would blossom into something tortured and crippled. But just thinking about causes me pain! ARRGHHH! SHUT UP! CM Punk: I didn't say anything! Kane: The VOICES! THEY SCREAM IN MY HEAD! SHUT UP! Kane grabs his head and screams. CM Punk backs away, and everyone stops to see what the commotion is. They see it’s Kane and go back about their business. CMP Punk looks around wild eyed at everyone ignoring Kane. Kane finally lets go of his head and goes on as if nothing had happened. Kane: What’s your girlfriend’s name? CM Punk:…….Maria….. Kane: Such a beautiful name. CM Punk: (under his breath) Fucking A…. Big Show, who was watching the exchange, just shakes his head. Big Show: Poor bastard. He’ll learn. Bossman: Yeah, whatever. Man! Would you look at all this food?!? Dibs on the leftovers. Big Show: No go. I already asked Trish. Bossman: We’re not going to have a repeat of the Sandwich Wars are we? (Bossman gives Big Show a sly look) Big Show: I’d kick you ass, but Trish told me that some one else beat me to the punch. Bossman: Some one beat you to free food? That’s just downright impossible! Unless it’s me of course… Big Show: Sorry BM. You’re outta luck. (A bell rings) Damn! I better get that. You behave Bossman! Big Show heads off, and the bell rings again. Bossman:No one stands in the way of Bossman. We’ll just see about this… Big Show moves through the throng of people to the back door. The bell rings again, and Big Show opens the door. Sabu and RVD are standing there. RVD has his hands full with what looks like a huge turkey, and Sabu is holding in one hand a salad. RVD: Finally! Big Show: Rob! Good to see you! What kept you? Sabu: Well, we would have gotten here sooner, if Mr. Slowpoke stepped on the gas! RVD: Yeah, blame me. Just because I’m not willing to take any chance with getting pulled over for speeding! Again! Besides, who’s the wise ass who kept pointing up, when I told him to ring the bell? Sabu: It was just a joke Rob. You need to relax. Here, try my salad. RVD: Let me put this turkey down first. Where should I put it Big Show? Big Show: Right next to all the others. Big Show follows the guys in, and points out the table. Big Show: Hope you brought your appetite! Sabu: No problem! I’ve been stuck in airports all day long. RVD: Dude, that surprises you? Look in a mirror lately? Sabu: You really need to chill out. Come on, let’s go smoke, sorry, my bad, I mean, eat some salad. Big Show: That must be some salad. You know, I’ve been meaning to eat more healthy… RVD: Uh, we’ll save you some. Come on Sabu. (As they leave, RVD can be heard whispering to Sabu) That’s one guy I don't want to see get the munchies. Meanwhile: Bossman has found Trish in the kitchen. She’s surrounded by people, who are busy making last minute preparations. Trish: Those pies need another few minutes. Keep on eye on them Bobby. Bobby Lashley: Will do ma’am. Bossman: Hey, Trish! Trish turns around when she hears her name. Her eyes widen in recognition. She points a finger at Bossman and says in an accusing tone. Trish: You! Bossman: Yeah, I get that all the time. Look, toots, it’s about the leftovers. I’m calling dibs. Trish: What? No way! I’m not giving them to you! You stole my…underthings! No! No way in hell! Bossman: Look sugarlumps, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. I’m giving you chance to do this the easy way. See honey, I’m not such a bad guy! Just let me take the leftovers. OK, baby? Trish: Call me “baby” one more time, and I’ll smack you. My eyes are up here too, buster! The answer is no. But if you want to take it up with the person who is going to get them, you can ask him in person. Trish points behind Bossman. BM spins and comes face to face with John Cena. Bossman backs off a step, and puts on a smile. Bossman: Hi there! Big Bossman. Nice to meet you! So, you gonna give me the leftovers or what? Cena: I think the answer is what. These leftovers are coming with me, and we’re going to some one who could use a nice Thanksgiving meal. The homeless. Bossman sputters, and chokes. Bossman: You’re what?!? You’re going to g-g-give them away? Cena: That’s right. Besides, from the looks of you Big Man, you could skip a couple of meals there Jumbo! Cena slaps Bossman on the stomach and turns and walks away. Trish laughs. Bossman scowls. Bossman: You just made a big mistake junior… Meanwhile… Kane: But she wasn't my first love, oh no! CM Punk: Hey man, we’re almost done here- Kane: Her name was Katie! Ahhh! Sweet, sweet Katie! She was special, let me tell you! But our love was doomed. My father Paul let me out of the basement one night, so I could try to have a normal life. Just because this night was special. So, once I got the chains off – CM Punk: Just three more chairs man, just three more chairs. Focus CM! Kane: We were driving to the prom when suddenly this deer jumped out in front of the hearse. CM Punk: HEY LOOK! We’re done! Kane: She was lying there in a pool of blood, all peaceful and quiet. The blood really brought on the color of her dress. HAHAHA! Voice: Kane! Kane: I just couldn't help myself..huh? Oh! Mr. Ace! So glad you made it! Johnny Ace: I wouldn't miss it! Last year was so much fun! Kane: Did you bring Johnny? Ace: No, we had a parting of the ways. But never fear, I have a new love in my life! She’s really something, let me tell you! I’ve never met a woman like her! Kane: That’s great! Chucky Punk here and I were just talking about our special some ones! Can I meet her? Ace: Sure: She’s parking the truck. I know, women drivers, but let me tell you, this girl can handle a stick! HA HA! Get it? Oh, here she comes now! Vito! Honey! Over here! A large bald man in a dress makes his way through the crowd, and joins Kane, CM Punk, and Johnny Ace. Vito: Hey! How youse doin? CM Punk: Nice to meet you Kane, Mr. Ace, um Vito. I’ll just go into the kitchen and see if Trish needs anything else. CM Punk makes a hasty retreat, mouthing the words "What the fuck?". Kane: Nice fellow. Ace: Yeah, he seems nice. I wonder if he’d like a job? Vito: (Clapping his hands together in front of them) Hey guys, I’m gonna go see if they need any help in the kitchen, and let you boys talk, OK? Vito playfully punches Kane and Johnny on the shoulder, and walks away. Johnny: That’s what I love about her. A woman who knows her place. In the kitchen! HAHAHA! Vito sees Benoit and Carlito trying to move the table laden with food closer to the main table. Vito: Let me give youse guys a hand! Vito starts to hefts one end and moves it. Benoit and Carlito just stare at Vito. Kane: Strong too! Johnny: Say, is Lita coming? Kane: I don't know, Trish said she called her earlier and invited her, and said something about coming… Earlier, On the Phone: Trish: Hi Lita! It’s Trish! Lita: Mmmmmm---ooohhhhh yeahhhhhh! (garbled) Trish: Did I catch you at a bad time? Lita: NO! NO! DON'T STOP! Trish: Ohhh-kayyyy! Hey, I’m just calling to invite you to Kane’s Thanksgiving dinner- Lita: OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! Trish: I know you two have had some trouble, but I think it would mean a lot if you came. I think it would really lift his spirits. He’s been pretty…strange since he heard you might be moving in, and I thought you two might be able to settle things over a nice holiday meal! Lita: UHHHHHHH! EDGE! YEAH! Trish: Well, I suppose you can bring Edge- - Lita: YES! YES! YES! OHHHHHHH YESSSSS! Trish: So, you’ll come? Lita: I’M COMMMMMIIIIINNNGGGGG! Trish: Great! I’ll let Kane know! Lita: (mumbling) Trish: What was that Lita? Edge: Lita can't talk right now, she’s got her mouth full! She’ll call you back. She’s got a date with Dirty Sanchez! The line cuts off. Trish looks at her phone, and then a light goes off. Trish drops her phone and shakes her hands. Trish: EEEWWWWWW!! Back in the present: Vito is still helping Carlito and Benoit move items to the main table. He squats down to pick up a large turkey. Carlito is standing behind him. Carlito scrunches up his face and looks away. He looks over at Benoit and whispers and points at Vito’s rising dress. Carlito: That’s not cool man! Benoit claps a hand on Carlito’s shoulder and pulls him away. Benoit: Carlito, when you’ve known Kane as long as I have, nothing is shocking. The lights go out, and a gong sounds. Carlito jumps. An eerie blue light fills the hall, and mist arises from somewhere. Kane lets out a whoop and rushes over to shake the hand of a tall, pale man in a trenchcoat and hat. Carlito: That didn't surprise you? Benoit: Carly, let me tell you about the time, two Thanksgivings ago at Kane’s House…. Later: The folks have gathered around the table. Trish and Kane are at the head, a little ways down, Funaki is sitting next Big Show. The two are sharing a laugh, when Bossman shows up, and yanks Funaki’s chair away. Funaki looks like he’s about to protest, when Bossman leans in. Funaki runs away. Bossman takes his chair. Big Show just looks at Bossman and shakes his head. Across from them, Cena looks appalled. Bossman just smiles and waves. Big Show leans over and whispers to Bossman. Big Show: You're up to something, I can tell. Bossman: Whatever do you mean? Big Show: Look man, I’ve been smelling this food all day long. Just let me get something to eat before you do anything OK? Bossman: Relax. I haven't done anything. I just had to make a phone call, that’s all. Big Show gives Bossman a look, and is about to say something, when Trish taps a water glass, and the sound brings all the conversations to a halt. Trish: Hi! I’d like to thank everybody for coming today! I’d also like to thank out host for coming up with this great idea! Trish leads a round of applause for Kane, who stands up and waves nervously. As he lowers his hand, JR whimpers and cringes. Once his hand is down, and Kane is seated again, he finally breathes. JR: I thought I was going to get it, BY GAWD! That’s a relief, let me tell you. Whew! Would you be a pal, Bradshaw, and pass me the BBQ sauce? I could use a tall glass right about now. Trish: I know you're all hungry, but before we dig in, I’d like to ask that scumbag HBK to say grace, OH! I’m so so sorry, it’s the Canadian in me talking! HBK pushes himself away from the table, smirks at Randy Orton and Ric Flair. He stands up slowly, making a goofy face. He stands gives Trish a goofy look. Trish mouths the words “sorry” and gives a pained, questioning smile. HBK: It’s OK Trish. I forgive you. Now, let’s all bow our heads. You too Umaga! I can see you peeking! Dear Lord…(A cell phone goes off)…Ahem! Heavenly Father! (The phone rings again) HEAVENLY FATHER! (The phone rings again) Will some one answer that phone?!?! Trying to say grace here! Big Show: Um, Shawn? It’s you. HBK: Yes, I know I’m me! (The phone rings again. Shawn’s hand flashes down to his pocket. He looks around, trapped. He then smiles.) Um, sorry about that. (He looks at the number, and answers his phone) Hello? Yeah. I was just about to say grace. Excuse me! (Shawn covers his phone and says in a loud whisper) I gotta take this! Ric: Is that the Champ?!?! WHOOO? John Cena leans over, so he can see Ric. He cups his hands around his mouth. Cena: HEY! OLD TIMER! THE CHAMP IS OVER HERE! Everyone laughs, but Ric jumps up, knocking over his chair. He throws down his napkin and starts to pull off his tie. Ric is practically frothing at the mouth as he shouts: Ric: You shut your mouth you young punk! There is only one Champ and he’s the greatest! WHOOO! I oughta come over there and punch your lights out! Randy and Batista grab Ric and stop him. HBK puts the phone back to his ear, turns his back and starts to walk away, speeding up, once clear of the table. Elsewhere: Triple H is wearing an apron, and no shirt. He’s got his daughter cradled in both arms, and is gently bouncing her. He’s standing in front of a changing table. He’s got a phone pinned between his shoulder and his head. H: Hey Shawn! What’s up? What are you doing? HBK: I was about to say grace! H: Grace is for fags. So, where are you? HBK: I’m at Kane’s Thanksgiving dinner. Why aren't you here? I thought you were coming? H: I wouldn't be caught dead in that homo sausage fest- HBK: AHHH! Language! HBK: Relax man. So, what’s going on? HBK: We were about to eat! I’m missing it! You know how much I love mashed potatoes! H: You and your mashed potatoes. So, yeah, Steph and I are heading over to Vince’s later. You know, for Thanksgiving dinner. HBK: Yeah, I was about to eat mine! H: Steph has some errands to run, so I’m stuck here watching the kid- No Aurora! Don't eat that! Good girl! Daddy is talking! So, I just wanted to call and see what’s going on. HBK: Well, I- H: Honey! You going out now? Hey! Can you pick me up that magazine like I asked? Steph: Yes, Hunter, I’ll get the magazine. It’s Hunky Dudes, right? H: No! Very funny! It’s Muscle and Fitness! You know! Steph: OK, you can have your magazine, but I want Aurora changed and ready to go over to her Grampy’s! H: OK Honey! Sheesh! So, uh, we gonna meet up later? HBK: Yeah, sure. I’ll call you later. H: Cool. Hey man, remember that- UH OH! I got a baby emergency here Shawn, I’ll call you later! Aw man! How can so much stuff come out of something so small? I’ll talk to you later Shawn! Gotta go! Bye! HBK hangs up his phone and just shakes his head, and heads back to the table. He creeps back into the main hall, where JBL is finishing up grace. JBL: And I would like to thank the Oakland Raiders for being smart enough to sign the greatest football player of all time! And I’d like to thank the guy who made that that damn puddle I slipped in that cost me the greatest football career ever, I would never have become the smartest man in the financial world! I would also like to thank - Everyone: AMEN! Trish: Let’s eat! The food is passed around. Everyone takes a helping. Bossman keeps staring at Cena. Cena can feel himself being stared at, but only glances at Bossman from time to time. Their plates loaded, people, start to eat. Cena is talking to Candice, and starts to raise a fork of turkey and gravy to his mouth. As it gets nearer, Bossman stops breathing. Big Show and Cena notice. Big Show shoots a glance between Bossman and Cena. Cena lowers his fork, and Bossman breathes again. Cena raises the fork, and Bossman freezes. Cena drops his fork, which clatters on his plate. Cena: What?!? You been staring at me like a kid with a fresh Playboy! What’s your problem man? Bossman: Oh, I was? Sorry, I didn't mean to. Go on, eat up! Big Show: (Suspiciously) Bossman, did you do something to the food? Everyone stops eating. And listens. Bossman: Me? I wouldn't do something like that. Angle throws down his fork. Angle: Every freakin’ year! Why do I come these things?!? Fuck this! I’m outta here! Big Show: Aw, come on Kurt! Angle: No freakin' way! Samoa Joe invited me to his Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s going to be deep-frying a turkey! Big Show: Sir down Kurt…he’s what? Kurt: That’s right! AJ Styles said he could fry a better turkey than Joe, and he’s bringing one! Big Show: Two? Two deep-fried turkeys? You know I’ve- Benoit: Stop being a pussy Kurt! Sit down! Kurt: And Road Dogg said he’d bring his special stuffing! RVD nudges Sabu. Benoit: Relax Kurt! Bossman didn't do anything to the food, did you Bossman? (Benoit cracks his knuckles) Bossman: Of course I didn't! Bossman takes a big bite. Bossman: See? It’s delicious! (He looks down the table at Trish) Scrumptious Sex Kitten! Trish angrily picks at her food, not looking at Bossman. The guests start to eat again. Kurt is still standing. Bossman: So, Johnny boy, you can relax and eat. Cena starts to stir food around on his plate. Bossman: You’d think I was out to get you. Big Show snaps out of his dream of two deep fried turkeys and looks over at Bossman. Bossman: I’m not out to get you. Big Show looks skyward, and mutters “Shit”. He starts to shovel food in his mouth, and grabbing whatever he can. Bossman: Not me, no sir. Big Show has a huge pile of food. He grabs a drumstick out of Tatanka’s hand, and throws it on his plate. Tatanka: The White Man is always taking from the Indians! Cena: You wanna try, go right ahead, come and get me. I’m right here. Bossman: Oh, I’m not coming to get you. He is. Green mist starts to ooze out from under the table. A hideous cackling is heard. Suddenly, the turkey starts to rise, as a large toothless man wearing face paint rises on the table. People scream. Big Show: (around a mouth full of food) CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! Big Show grabs plates and starts to scramble away. Around the table, Benoit shakes his head in disgust, and grabs food. RVD, Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio follow suit. Matt nudges Jeff. Jeff: Huh? What’s going on? Matt: Just follow my lead bro! Trust me! Panic has erupted, and people are screaming in terror. Boogey reaches into his pants and pulls out a handful of worms. Boogey Man: I shall have my revenge for my Boogey Ham! Chris Masters:For the love of God, give him his ham! Finlay: There’s no bleeding ham! Masters: I think I wet myself… Boogey eats the worms and then spits them out over the guests. It’s utter chaos. Outside: Screams can still be heard from inside. The few who managed to escape take stock. Big Show: OK, I got a couple of turkeys, some mashed potatoes, and a bunch of rolls. Chris: I got green beans (groans) What? Come on! They're healthy! I also got a turkey. RVD: Got the stuffing! AND…a turkey. Sabu: I got the salad. RVD: Right on! Chris: Kurt? Come on man, stop being a douchebag, what did you get? Kurt: Fine. I got a turkey. And I also got some potatoes. Rey: I got pies! A bunch of them! And a turkey. Big Show: Rey The Pie Master! OK, anyone grab some gravy? Matt: I got it! Big Show: Way to go Matt! What did you get Jeff? Jeff: Huh? Oh, I grabbed this really cool candlestick… Big Show: …whatever. OK guys. Nice haul this year. Benoit: Where to? Kurt: Well, there’s always Joe’s. Big Show: YES! More turkey! Groans lead the way as the group heads off. Later: Stone Cold: Finally! We made it! DDP: See bro? That wasn’t so bad. Sounds like the party is still going on. Stone Cold: I could use a beer. Stone Cold puts down the cases and opens one and takes out a beer. He cracks it and takes a sip. He almost spits it out, but swallows. Stone Cold: Aw hell! It’s warm! The doors from inside open and Bossman steps out. Screams and green smoke and evil laughter follow him out, but cut off as the door swings shut. Bossman is calmly eating off a loaded plate. He looks up and sees Stone Cold and DDP. Bossman: Howdy boys! I’d wait a while to go in. Things are a little …hectic right now. Plenty of leftoevers though! Help yourself! Bossman laughs a mad laugh as he heads off into the parking lot. Stone Cold and DDP look at each other. Stone Cold absently takes a sip of warm beer. He chokes, but manages to swallow it down. Stone Cold: I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. Thirty Million Lord, is that too much to ask Lord? And bless the homeless pygmies in New Zealand. DDP: What? Stone Cold: Come on. Let’s go. The two men pick up the cases and head back towards their van. The End. QUICK PLUGS! LOP FORUMS New and Improved! The latest Sports, Entertainment news! What are you waiting for? LOP COLUMNS FORUM THE MOVIE BAR! Great place for reviews of DVD's, Music, and special video clips. Your one stop review spot. THE PROJECT LIVES! A creative site for creative people. Be sure to check out the forums! The Rose Reports A great site for politcal news links. LOP'S PWA E-FED. Best E-Fed on the net. Period. That's all for this week. Thanks for Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com - PLEASE LABEL ALL EMAIL AS FEEDBACK. THANK YOU. *NEW GALLERY* Must See! TNA's Roxxi Gets Her BLOODY HEAD Shaved BALD!
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