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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, November 12, 2006 at 4:12 PM EST
 Welcome back, folks. You may have noticed the title banner is different some how. Well, that's because this column is going to be a little different some how. Actually, truth be told, it's going to be a lot different this week. While I usually get a kick out of writing my “magically derivative” (Thanks to BC for coining that phrase) column that is a essentially a bastard lovechild to “The Ross Report” and “The Colbert Report”, this week I just have to rant in a more straight forward manner like a buddy of mine used to do on this site. I take a lot of solace in using humor to get my point across, but this week just ain't one of those weeks. Starting off, I'd just like to pull back the curtain for those of you who haven't managed to put 2 and 2 together yet while reading any of my “Boss Report” columns here on LoP. While I've received a lot of feedback from readers who have appreciated my sense of humor and satire when approaching the world of wrestling, I have been absolutely dumbfounded by the amount of e-mail which has actually been greater in size at time from readers who were taking my satirical pokes at wrestling as some kind of sincere and completely serious offerings. From day one, it appears that a great many of you just don't seem capable of recognizing when a columnist is being absurd in a purely intentional manner. At first, I was willing to pass it off as simply that satire and humor is more difficult to translate through the written word, but inevitably I realized that this was a bullshit conclusion. If it were true then I wouldn't be receiving nearly the number of e-mails that I have from people who actually get the joke. Nope, there's something more to it than a simple case of words getting lost in translation. Nope, my friends, the problem isn't with me... it's you. I've been patient with many of you, but there comes a time when even the slowest student in class will catch up with his learning. It seems that in the IWC, mental retardation might not be so rare a case as one might think. Now I'm certainly not condemning the lot of my readers. As I mentioned, many of you are pretty sharp or at least on par with me with moderate intelligence and sense of humor. Sadly, there appear to be just as many who would most likely find as much enjoyment in licking windows as they would in watching an episode of Smackdown... and to be honest, there have been a few occasions when I've thought the former might be the more engaging endeavor of the two. With that in mind, I'm giving a slap on the wrist to you defective halfwits that just seem incapable of treading water with the rest of the IWC. It's been parody, children. Boss Foxx and “The Boss Report” has essentially been a work. It's been a fun one and a rewarding one, but for some of you, I'm afraid it's just been completely over your heads. When I wrote “The Boss Report Laments Over Kurt Angle” I wasn't actually declaring him dead to me and feeling personally betrayed by a man that I've never met. Ironic statements from a wrestling columnist just don't go over as much as they should. Hell, I would have thought the over-the-top delivery and homo-erotic undertones would have made that abundantly clear. Boy, was I wrong. “You should be on your pathetic knees hailing Kurt Angle, bitch.” “I didn't know Haterade was such a popular beverage.” “Is Kurt Angle your best friend who has just told you that he has slept with your girlfriend? The answer is no... He is a wrestler who has taken the decision he wants to compete in TNA. It's not as though someone has actually died.” “You are pathetic. You call yourself a Kurt Angle fan, you said that you beleived in him, but when he does something he wants to do, you turn on him? You should just go fuck yourself right along with the rest of the IWC, cause the way you jerkoffs are is simply pathetic.” That's just a sampling of the e-mails I got from readers who were stunningly incapable of recognizing farce. That column was posted in October, well over a month after I debuted on LoP. Am I to believe that in that time there would be so many people who can't catch the hint that I might be less than serious in my approach to column writing, and yet those same people are still knowledgeable enough to not stab themselves in the eye when they try to brush the teeth? Sorry, I'm not buying that. So here's the tutorial, folks. When you've been reading those columns with the nifty Century Gothic font and the American flagged column banner, with all those insanely ignorant and arguably funny comments that herald Batista as a mat technician and bemoan Canada for their anti-WWE agenda... you've been reading the creative stylings of a Canadian writer, whose favorite wrestler is Chris Benoit, and enjoys watching wrestling from as many different promotions as possible. I didn't think I'd have to spell it out for readers, but there were just too many of you to ignore any longer without fear of somehow perpetuating your ignorance and/or stupidity. I hope this helps... and if not, fuck it. I tried to be a sport. There. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I may as well keep the “shoot” going and just share what my genuine views on wrestling are these days. To all those folks I just got done lambasting, don't feel isolated, as the wrestling industry is apparently filled with a plethora of dipshits behind the scenes as well. Dipshit #1: Kevin Dunn. Kev, I hope you're happy. Thanks to this whole “ECW needs to be more like WWE” theory of yours to help boost the ratings, we're now seeing a thoroughly bastardized version of what ECW used to be... and the ratings are still falling short of where they should be. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be one of those guys that pisses and moans over how the new ECW is nothing like the ECW of 1996. I fully comprehend that this is ten years later and there needs to be a progression in the product. However, what you've managed to help accomplish, Kev, is not progression, It's called amalgamation. You've helped take what was supposed to be WWE's third brand, a brand that was supposed to attain it's own unique identity within the WWE construct and you've decimated it to a sparkly version of Velocity. Did you really think the reason the ratings were declining was because “ECW on Sci Fi” didn't closely enough resemble “Monday Night Raw”? If that's what you're going on then you are a true blue dumb sack of piss. ECW's ratings are in a downswing for a very simple reason – It's not ECW. That 1.6/1.7 rating that you have right now for the show, that's your core audience. You could turn the show into a damned XFL recap show and you'd still bring in a decent 1.5 rating. And by the way, considering that you're broadcasting the show on Sci Fi, 1.6 is still a damned good rating. Maybe if you were on USA, it'd be time to hit the panic button, but it's not even into it's sixth month. When ECW was pulling in 2.0+ ratings, those were the highest ratings that the network had ever received beyond a few other isolated occasions. But once Sci Fi loyalists and ECW die-hards realized that they weren't getting exactly what they wanted, they tuned out, which left WWE with that 1.6/1.7 core audience from which to build upon. Now you've gone and screwed that all up. Congratulation, Kevin. ECW is now only slightly better than TNA. Which brings me to... Dipshit #2: TNA – I couldn't decide who in TNA is the bigger dipshit right now – Dixie Carter, Jeff Jarrett, Dutch Mantell, Vince Russo, or someone else – so I will just lump them all under the TNA flag and smack them on the end of their collective noses with a rolled up newspaper. I mean, how the hell are they able to consistently prevent themselves from becoming viable competition for Vince McMahon? It's mind boggling. You've got the hottest young gun on the planet with Samoa Joe and do absolutely nothing with him for six months. You bring in Sting at a hefty price tag only to have him work fewer dates than an injured Kevin Nash. As for Nash, how many times is this guy going to abandon a storyline midway through before somebody realizes that he's just not worth the trouble? TNA cow-tows to the Jackass franchise to the point where they utterly ruin an otherwise entertaining program with Senshi and Sabin. Abyss has turned from the monster of TNA to the big midcard jobber that can take a bump on thumbtacks. You sign the biggest deal of your lives with Kurt Angle's arrival and you have already managed to blow your load too early with a match against Samoa Joe... not to mention the ridiculous debut match results from this coming weeks Impact (If you haven't read the spoilers, you're probably gonna be shaking your head at that one). And then there's the James Gang. Alright. This next paragraph is full of spoilers, so if you don't wanna know ahead of time about TNA's latest clusterfuck, just skip on down a couple of paragraphs. This week on Impact, the James Gang return after “quitting” just a week or so ago. Here's the kicker though... Instead of declaring war on TNA who they had expressed their anger at when they “walked out”, they've targeted Vince McMahon and D-X in what is nothing short of a shameful attempt to cash in on WWE's nostalgia kick with HHH and HBK. That's not even the most embarrassing part, however, as they've renamed themselves from the James Gang to V.K.M. Guess what the initials stand for... Go on, guess. “Voodoo Kin Mafia”. What the hell is that supposed to be other than a very awkward attempt at incorporating Vince McMahon's initials into the team's name? Impact has become thoroughly unwatchable nowadays despite having what is arguably the best coalition of talent on their payroll. They're fatal flaw is that their creative team has their heads up their asses and they have zero clue how to turn this 5-year-old promotion into something that people other than those southern-fried douchebags in the Impact Zone actually want to watch from week to week. Dipshit #3: Michael Cole – As part of the whole “Boss Report” kayfabe thing, I'd take the occasional potshot at Michael Cole and his position as lead editor for WWE.com. Well, that was one of the few things that was truly genuine, as Cole has to be one of the biggest abortions-gone-wrong on the WWE payroll. Vince McMahon once stated that WWE's official website “sucks”. I passed it off originally as a work of sorts to try and gain some hits for the site, but now I think Vince actually shares my disgust for what has turned into one of the darkest ages for the website in a long time. Michael, how fucking hard is it to make that site something other than a contradicting, half work/half shoot, clusterfuck of a website? On one link, you've got a congratulatory message to Triple H and Stephanie for the birth of their daughter, Aurora Rose, and then below that you have a story about how D-X is ruining the McMahon family's tyranny, Stephanie included. If that's not enough, you've got some bullshit “expose” photographs of The Little Bastard and his girlfriend in the back of his rental car like readers actually give a monkey's nut what the guy does in his spare time... let alone what kind of flagrantly staged shit he's doing in his spare time. And now you've got a web cartoon called “Mr. McMahon and His Ass”? You green-lighted this shit? Were you dropped as a child? Did your daddy shake you as a baby? Did Heidenreich rough you up too much that day he played “Just The Tip” during that segment of Smackdown a couple of years ago? Cole, you need to be replaced. Now. Dipshit #4: Vince McMahon – Speaking of Mr. McMahon and his ass, HO-LY-FUCK. Vince, you have officially lost your god-damned mind. There's no other explanation. You don't like hardcore matches and prefer more traditional fare, so you basically allow ECW to be neutered while every match that you've taken part in this year has seen more plunder than the damned merchandise booths. Not only that, but while you let ECW's nuts get chopped off because you don't like their “hardcore” image, you seem to insist on making Monday Night Raw more “edgy” because Smackdown is actually starting to gain in the ratings. That's got to be one of the dumbest fucking things I've heard this year... and with TNA that's saying something. Raw doesn't need to be more “edgy”. It needs to get a cohesive storyline going that doesn't involve you pissing all over your talent to a point where Shelton Benjamin is becoming a Heat All-Star alongside Val Venis. I shudder to think where you are going to take WWE in the years ahead, as you drift further and further into senility. Just thank you're lucky stars that TNA is as inept at story-driven content as you, otherwise WWE would be facing another close call of becoming extinct. God damn, it felt good to rant like that. I still have more shit that I'd like to get off my chest, but that'll just have to wait for another time. In the meantime, if you've got some feedback that you'd like to share, my e-mail addy is still bossfoxx@gmail.com or you can leave some words in the Feedback Forum of www.lopforums.com. If you're among the readers who have been in on the joke from the beginning (whether you thought it was funny or not), thanks for reading and you've made writing these columns that much more enjoyable. However, if you're among the other demographic, I hope this column helped you defectives start to tread water with the rest of us. And if you're still having trouble comprehending what I was trying to get across, just stop reading my fucking column. I'm tired of babysitting you mentally deficient assholes. In closing, here's that thing that so many of you have grown accustomed to over the years from my columns. Hell, it's the one thing that several of you look for exclusively when you click onto one of my columns. It's alright though, I'm not mad at you. So here it is... your moment of Zen.  Isn't it nice that Nash found time to visit the hospital to spend time with Stephan Segal after he got stung by that bee. I hear he can eat solid food again. Good for you, tiger.
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