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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 at 1:39 AM EST
 TNA News: Chris Jericho signs with TNA, Why he didn’t return to WWE, More. TNA News: Kurt Angle says he’s better than ever, TNA more than happy with Angle, More TNA News: March 13th The end of the six-sided ring? Jeff Jarrett injured at last night’s Destination X PPV, Title up for grabs? TNA News: Jarrett to miss a year or more, TNA unveils two new belts, one new division, Women’s Wrestling returns. TNA News: Elimination Tournament to be held for vacated TNA Championship Belt at Lockdown, Five names announced for event with a sixth to be named at the event. TNA News: Eric Bischoff signs with TNA, No word yet on his capacity with the company, Brock Lesnar rumored to be sixth challenger for TNA strap. TNA News: Brock confirmed for TNA’s Lockdown PPV. No details on new contract. TNA News: TNA moves to Monday nights at 9, TNA and Spike TV agree to three-year deal. Season begins November of 2007. BREAKING NEWS: The Rock inks a three-year deal with TNA. TNA/WWE News: The Monday night wars begin anew, Vince’s fury over Rock signing with TNA lands chairman in hospital, Rock’s return to wrestling, More. Imagine the headlines above running across your screen in the near future. They change everything don’t they? Even if you don’t read spoilers, you’d be hard-pressed not to peek in on them, make sure it’s not an April Fools or some other type of twisted joke. I know I couldn’t stop myself from reading the details. Imagine... In a time period between now and later in a galaxy that looks just like where you log onto the Internet and log onto LOP... After squashing the WCW rebellion, Emperor Vince McMahon breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. Peace, even during the horrific InVasion angle, has reigned throughout the Empire for the last several years. At the start of that gentle era, all was quiet in the universe except for the beginnings of a rebellion led by two Jarretts. The rebellion’s name is TNA. Emperor Vince wisely ignores them. The tenacious TNA Rebellion gains strength year after year turning once faithful, WWE Jedi to their cause. Their latest volley against the Empire, the signing of Kurt Angle, is their gutsiest move to date; and yet, the Emperor doesn’t acknowledge the Rebellion as a threat to his Empire. Kurt Angle, the NEW HOPE that he is, isn’t powerful enough to burn the Empire down by himself. Other Jedi are needed. Changes are needed in the TNA galaxy. Sometime in the future... Angle is joined by Jedi Knights Lesnar and Jericho. Master Eric Bischoff again wields the wrestling Force like he once did for a successful WCW, but now uses his strength for TNA. Emperor McMahon finally takes notice of this rebellious faction that threatens that it’s Bound For Glory. The Empire survives the onslaught and begins a massive counterstrike against the Rebellion. The Empire pushes TNA all the way back to Florida. Just when Emperor Vince seems to have the rebellion under control, the Master Jedi of all surviving Jedi, The Rock, appears after many years in the Hollywood Galaxy claiming he will bring balance to the Force... How would Vince McMahon and company react? What would you do? How would the WWE Empire strike back at TNA? Join me and together we'll talk about it. Before we hop into our X-Wing and go crash the party at the fully armed and operational Death Star that is wrestling, I’d like to thank everyone for sending On the Couch to the main page for a second time. I’d also like to thank you for reading. There’s the couch, put your feet up, and relax. We’ve got a war to wage. Welcome one and all to On the Couch XVIII – The Empire Strikes Back.  We begin with Jericho signing with TNA. I figure it can’t hurt TNA’s chances at all to sign the Ayatollah of pretty much everything. Jericho on his own doesn’t make or break TNA or WWE, but he’s a better catch than most out there. I think he is what he was when WCW lost him to WWE. He’s the guts of an organization – much like Benoit and Guerrero were to WCW before they coughed them up to WWE. If WWE loses Jericho to TNA, it’s a slow bleeder type of deal. Costly, but not the deathblow needed for a growing company like TNA. I mentioned a little something about Kurt feeling good and the TNA people being happy with Kurt. In my eyes, Kurt healthy is a bigger catch than most wrestlers still alive today. I’d even say that Angle makes Jericho his bitch in most instances. If Kurt can stay healthy and sane, there is no telling what he could do with TNA. Still, Kurt isn’t that end all be all guy that TNA needs to own WWE down the stretch. Besides, he’s kind of like Darth Vader nowadays - more machine now than man. A six-sided ring is neato. It really is. I just don’t like it. Maybe I’m a tad old-fashioned, but I believe in the four-sided standard in wrestling. Not only does it please me more to look at, but six sides seem stiffer with less bounce to the ropes. I think it looks too much like that basketball with the springs in the floor deal. It makes TNA look “like” wrestling like that basketball game with the springs looks “like” basketball. I’m sorry, Jeff. I had to put you out of action in order for the Non-Stop Action to start actioning. Somebody out there loves you; I’m sure of it. I’m just not that person. You are a clog in the artery that is TNA wrestling. Yeah, you’ve lost the belt a few times, but then you keep winning it back after someone defends it for a few months or so. Is any creative team out there creative enough to write something that takes you out of the Title picture for over a year? If so, you can go do that instead of getting hurt. What am I saying? You are guilty of doing the WCW old-folks thing to the kids on the TNA roster – holding them down until they either join WWE or lose any credibility with the fans they might have had. With you out of the picture (sorry about that fake injury, but my imagination couldn’t live with killing you outright), the main event scene in TNA becomes a wide-open and friendly place for all involved. TNA could use some more gold once they get their weekly show up to two hours. A Women’s Division would be a nice touch – something the WWE doesn’t have anymore. In addition, another man belt of some kind is needed. Perhaps a TV title? The roster needs something to go do with itself if it isn’t stuck in a fifty man X-Division invitational, or better yet, so it isn’t stuck in a fifty man X-Division invitational. I mention Eric Bischoff. At one time, this man almost had it together enough to put WWE out of business. The Monday Night Wars really were Eric vs. Vince, two minds bent on winning at any cost. Has Eric lost a step or two since those days? I don’t know. The man isn’t stupid and I think he’s the guy I’d go to if I wanted to start taking chunks out of the WWE profit margin. Brock Lesnar. The guy is honestly, ten times the Goldberg that Goldberg is or was. Goldberg was made into greatness by solid booking of a monster. Lesnar is greatness because he IS a monster in both pro and amateur wrestling. Lesnar is young too. You can’t stock the TNA pond full of nearly dead fish all the time. You need new blood or else the pond begins to stink like WCW did near the end. Rock is the key to any war at this point in time. Rock signing with TNA for three years spells insta-competition for Vince McMahon.. I liken it with Hogan signing with WCW back in the day. So what if WWE wouldn’t let Rock keep his name? Rock could rock a crowd if his name was Assplug Analsprockett. It’s sad, but Rock is a bigger name in wrestling as an actor than any wrestler wrestling for WWE or TNA today.  What can Vince do to get back into this race? How does the Empire Strike Back? WWE suffers from sprawl, even today. The wrestling market is growing again and it supports three WWE brands. Vince has the money and the time to spread his talent so thinly and split his production and creative resources across the Red, the Blue, and the Extreme. WWE can afford this excess right now; but what if TNA became an actual contender? The first thing Vince would have to do would be to tighten up the purse strings. A company under attack must cut the fat in order to survive. The question becomes, what is fat? What does WWE keep and what does it excrete? The choice becomes tougher knowing that TNA will sweep up any excrement of the slightest value in order to make a WWE buck a TNA buck. Nobody ever mentions production in the “why WWF beat WCW” debate. I’ve often wondered why. What if making each week’s Raw or Smackdown look and feel like a Wrestlemania was the simple but sharpest nail in WCW’s coffin? I don’t think Vince should ever cut spending in his production department. They, and what they do, are as important to WWE as a whole as anything else. During the first Wrestling War, WWF clearly possessed the advantage over WCW when it came to production values. Compare their Monday night offerings of the period. Did you notice the quality camera work done by WWF, the choice camera angles, the precise editing? Ted’s company never threatened in the looks department. I’ve always appreciated WWE’s dedication to a splendid looking product. Vince McMahon’s show not only looked better, it sounded better. Try that test again between WWF and WCW. Listen. The World Wrestling Federation soundly thrashed Ted’s. I said “soundly”. It wasn’t just the quality of the sound either. The entrance music in WWF blew WCW’s right out of the water. If you ask me, Vince needs to keep spending in the production department to compete with a ratings victorious TNA. To cut corners here might lose him the war. When I think about listening to wrestling, I hear Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Besides the crowd cheer and boo, and the thud of wrestlers stomping their feet or smacking their tights, I hear these two voices. I definitely don’t hear Mike Tenay and Don West. In my mind’s ear, I only hear victory for Vince McMahon here. We have to cut some fat, though. With three brands, there are six announcers. I don’t hear JBL and Michael Cole. I don’t hear Tazz and Joey Styles either. Unless JBL and Tazz wish to pursue different positions within WWE, I say best of luck to all four men. Jim Ross and “The King” are my choice for every WWE event from now on. Perhaps I’ve tipped you off to the biggest cuts of lard on the WWE skeleton. That’s right, No more ECW. Style is synonymous with ECW. Cutting him, means cutting ECW as well. Actually, he’s an innocent victim of cutting ECW from the WWE family tree. When your hottest superstar, “The Big Show”, isn’t ECW born and bred, you’ve got problems. I say kill it. Kill this ugly bastard creation, Vince. Kill it now and save us all the anguish. Now, we’re back to Smackdown and Raw. In order for WWE to compete with a one brand, highly successful, TNA, it’s time to combine the talent pools and let people go. This is the scariest step for any combatant in a wrestling war. Who do we keep and who do we throw on the scrap pile, knowing that the other company is going to inherit our junk and possibly make it a bigger star than it was before. Think how big Austin became after the WWF took him under their wing. Tell me, Uncle Eric, doesn’t Austin make your ass burn? Speaking of WCW, I remember that one of its biggest problems was the old-folks league at the top of the company. They quit developing new talent. When you’re competing with another wrestling company there’s no larger mistake than to stifle the growth of young careers. This is the same mistake TNA is currently making with J.J. at the top. Oh, looky! Sting is the TNA Champion now. I’m sending TNA walkers and Viagra as we speak. Let’s go to war guys, not the old folks home. During the Monday Night War Era, WWE fielded a roster of seventy or so wrestlers. Your Raws and Smackdowns currently run with about half of that number. ECW employs another 25 or so. Current numbers are womanless numbers; please, keep that in mind. If WWE had to cut the chubby from its bulk today in order to compete with the lean and mean, imagined, TNA wrestling machine, quite a few wrestlers and divas would be looking for work. Below, I’ve listed everyone on the WWE roster (to the best of my knowledge and research ability). Bold names are those that I feel WWE needs to keep when battling for supremacy in a Monday Night War scenario against TNA. Remember, not only does a cut thin out the roster and make it more competitive and exciting to watch, it also offers TNA new talent if they choose to grab it up. What would you do? Here are my picks. Khali, Chris Benoit, Funaki, HBK, Simon Dean, Sylvan Grenier, Rebecca Dipietro, Carlito Cool, Ric Flair, Eugene, Shannon Moore, Melina, Val Venis, Shad Gespard, JTG, Mickie James, Maria, Lillian Garcia, Chuck Palumbo, Mick Foley, Candice, Torrie Wilson, 2 Cold Scorpio, Rene Dupree, Edge, Lita, Charlie Haas, Viscera, Trevor Murdoch, Lance Cade, Rob Conway, Umaga, Sandman, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Tommy Dreamer, JBL, Nicky, Mitch, Kenny, Johnny, Mickey, Balls Mahoney, Hardcore Holly, Victoria, Batista, Stevie Richards, Bobby Lashley, C. W. Anderson, Eric Perez, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Scotty 2 Hotty, Mike Knox, Vito, Undertaker, Matt Hardy, Tatanka, Jimmy Wang-Yang, Mike Mizanin, HHH, Layla, Jillian Hall, Rey Mysterio, Mark Henry, Paul Birchall, Henry O. Godwinn, King Booker, Sharmell, Fit Finlay, Sylvester Terkay, Gregory Helms, Al Snow, Elijha Burke, Jamie Noble, Kennedy, Chavo Guerrero, William Regal, Dave Taylor, Snitsky, Idol Stevens, K.C. James, Ryan O’Reilly, Michelle McCool, Joey Mercury, John Cena, Harry Smith, Shawn Daivari, Ashley Massaro, Psicosis, Mike Shane, Todd Shane, Sabu, RVD, The Big Show, Tony Mamaluke, Jeff Hardy, Little Guido, Randy Orton, Danny Doring, MVP, Robbie McAllister, Rory McAllister, Big Guido, Jazz, Doug Basham, Danny Basham, Kristal Marshall, Matt Striker, Brad Armstrong, Test, C.M. Punk, Kevin Thorn, Rodney Mack, Derrick Neikirk, Ariel, Trinity, The Zombie, Chris Masters, Kelly Kelly, Kane Fine. Fine. If you count the bold names, the number you should reach is 80. The other ten are injured, sent down to the minors, or retired by the time TNA makes its leap to the top. In slicing the fat from the beast that is WWE, I tried to maintain a mix of old and new without sacrificing too much talent wise. I kept eighty. God, I suck when it comes to firing people. It’s actually more difficult than I thought it would be, cutting the fat. In reality, Vince only needs to protect a few people if any. There really isn’t a talent on that list that is so incredible that his or her defection to TNA would automatically sink WWE’s ship. Just to be on the safe side, I’d protect: HHH, HBK, Benoit, Orton, Cena, Edge, Batista, Undertaker, Flair, Carlito, Mysterio, Foley, Show, Kennedy, and Snitsky for sure. C’mon! Snitsky is the biggest superstar of all-time! You’ll notice the women are for the most part, wrestlers. It’s back to double duty for the ladies. Look hot and kick ass or we can’t keep you. Except for you, Jazz. Look like you do and kick ass. Thanks. I’ve included nearly all existing WWE tag teams for three reasons. One, it’s a great place for young talent to grow in a highly competitive and slim, fight your way to the top, Monday Night War scenario. Two, I mentioned young talent. Keeping young talent during a wrestling war is crucial to a company’s survival. Put them in a tag team and keep them busy and signed. Three, tag team wrestling in WWE is severely hampered by roster splits in this day and age. Putting all the WWE tag teams together again makes me feel kinda funny – like there’s a disturbance in the Force. I sense something. I haven’t felt this way since...1999? Competition in the division once again, anyone? The very idea of putting them all together again makes me excited to be a wrestling fan. I cut a vast amount of talent from the ECW show. ECW already lost one war. Why lose another by carrying their dead weight around? It’s not that the guys and gals of ECW aren’t talented. It’s not that they aren’t fun to watch either. Many ECW old-timers are one dimensional in their ability. When the Empire strikes back, it has to be with individuals of many talents and many different weapons. The Extreme team lacks the tools needed to compete in MNWII. You’ll notice that I’ve retained Sabu and Hardcore Holly. Time to bring back the Hardcore Title. Let’s give the fans something to “Holy Shit” their pants about. Hardcore wrestling makes people pop. Why not bring it back when you need that extra something to get over with the fans? What about Sandman, though? If Vince had to fight to get back on top, he’d need wrestlers with a bit more versatility, a bit more range. Sandman without his stick looks sick. Hey, it’s my list anyways. Argue with me in feedback. The WWE Empire Strikes back by keeping its production values high and cutting that which is not needed to survive a long, drawn out war with TNA. Jim Ross has said that you can’t out-WWE the WWE. It’s folly to try. I have to wonder if TNA ever became a serious threat to the wrestling Empire that is WWE, if Vince and company might adopt an out-TNA, TNA philosophy. How else might WWE strike back at the Kurt Angle stealing, TNA? The answer is that WWE has already fired back. His name is Jeff Hardy. He was extreme when he left and he’s TNA/Extreme now that he’s back. The IC Title scene since his return to the confines of the WWE ring has been excellent. The matches have a little of that X-Division romp that the old WWF mid-card lost over time. The Force is strong with this one. Hardy’s been teaching WWE guys some new tricks. I never thought that Jeff Hardy would be a teacher. Drop-out, sure. Teacher, no. While watching some of his matches since the return, I keep telling myself that I’ve seen some of these spots before and then I remember that I’ve watched them in TNA matches. Jeff Hardy is a great catch for WWE at this time in his career. His experience with the Rebellion has lit a fire under the mid-card’s collective ass. How long has the WWE IC scene/mid-card scene been complete crap? No longer. Jeff Hardy is single-handedly repairing years of abuse to the division. It’s easy to see that the WWE Empire has struck back with the signing of Jeff Hardy when you note the rejuvenation of the IC Division. But, why stop with Jeff Hardy? Why not go for the jugular in this war? How does Samoa Joe sound? Better yet, how does A.J. Styles sound? If WWE could grab these two from TNA, the war would be over before it was ever fought. What future would TNA have after losing these two? I’ve got an answer for you. None. In the wrestling world, it might be better if Vince McMahon followed George Bush’s philosophy of pre-emptive strike. Instead of striking back, perhaps Vince should be bitch-slapping TNA as we speak. Rob them of their goodies, Vince. Take A.J. and Joe at your next opportunity if you can. Cut the fat that is your bloated belly of a wrestling federation now, before it’s too late, before you really do find yourself at war again. The truth is you can cut all the fat you want, Vince. You can steal A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe pretty easy. You can out-WWE or out-TNA anyone and anything, but there is still one thing out there that could bring your empire down. He’s out there, Vince. He’s the last of his kind. He’s bigger than John Cena. He’s bigger than Randy Orton. I hate to say it, but he’s even bigger than Triple H. What if TNA could get this Jedi to turn – or more precisely, return? You might be able to strike back, but you might not survive the Return of the Jedi, Vince. Talk about a pre-emptive strike! Maybe it’s time for that Jedi to return to WWE. If you smell what I’m cookin’.  The Columns Forum needs your support. Support comes in the form of feedback to the writers already banging away at their keyboards in the Columns Forum or by posting your very own column there. Think you’ve got what it takes to write a wrestling column? Please feel free to try. We could use talented, wrestling-passionate people. Go on, try. If you suck, we'll let you know. May the Couch be with you...always. MUST SEE New Shots of the WWE Divas Out Partying!
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