|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Boss Foxx on Monday, October 30, 2006 at 12:02 AM EST
 A Fath Based Guide To Choosing Your Favorite Wrestler Volume II And Boss said, “Let there be a sequel to the FBG,” and there was, and Boss saw that it was good [enough] and smiled. It's the column that's so full of blasphemy I had to start a second pile. Unlike your run-o-the-mill deity, I tend to take more than one day of sabbath after completing my work. Mine runs more in the range of 30 or so, give or take. When you're a quasi-omnipotent being such as myself, however, you can get away with things like that. I'm back though, and I brought my little “Diocese for Dummies” handbook with me too. I'll be damned to if I didn't have a bit of a pickle in trying to decide which four faiths to focus on this time around, as there is literally a ton of religions to choose from. After a quick brainstorm session though, that resembled more of a slight drizzle, I did manage to come up with my final four. It's an eclectic group to be sure , and to be honest only two of them are officially recognized as actual religions, but who am I to let facts and guidelines stifle me and my creativity. So I hope you packed your snacks to go on this journey with me. I know I've got my chocolate chop communion wafers and “Blood of Christ” brand box of wine, so I'm all set. We don't need to wait any longer for a sign from above; Let's just do this thing and jump in with both feet.  Islam – It's the second largest religion in the world, but some folks say that second place just means that you're the first loser. I'm not too sure who those folks are, but I'm willing to bet that they have those tacky “No Fear” decals on the windows of their '92 Camaro IROC Z-28's. Nowadays, when we North Americans think of Islam and Muslims in general we tend to conjure up images of suicide bombers and cartoon depictions of the Prophet Muhammad. That actually reminds me of a really funny joke. A priest, a rabbi, and an Islamic fundamentalist walk into a stripper bar – What? You've already heard this one? Alright then, moving on. In it's present form, Islam began about 1,400 years ago in Arabia. One of the main things that differs Islam from Christianity is what's known as “the Five Pillars of Islam”. The first of the five is called the Shahada; the Muslim profession that there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his Prophet. The second is the Salat; a ritualistic prayer that is performed five times a day. Next there is Sawm; a fasting which forbids any physical pleasure from dawn to dusk including food, smoking, and even sex for an entire month. The fourth pillar is Zakat; a mandatory gift to the poor and charity that makes up for 2.5 % of annual savings that demonstrates a freedom from the love of money and closer towards the love of Allah. The final pillar is Hajj; the pilgrimage to Mecca that every Muslim should make at least once in their life as it is the most holy place of the Muslim faith. Following such a seemingly rigorous and devoted religion while at the same time being frowned upon by the misunderstandings of the rest of the world, there is one wrestler that immediately springs to mind that could be considered a good choice for any Muslim...  ... Triple H. When it comes to the Game, there is no god but Vince McMahon and Stephanie is his prophet. Other than those two people, Trips could give a shit about the rest of the planet. If he could spend December celebrating Vince-mas, he no doubt would – He's that far up Vince's ass. I'm also sure that he spends at least five times throughout the day worshiping either his wife, father-in-law, or himself. As far as fasting goes, Trips has been known to go about one month each year without any exposure to the main event picture. If you're looking for Trips to show something similar to Zakat, you could safely assume that he spends about 2.5% of his time in the ring putting over other wrestlers. And when it comes to a pilgrimage to Mecca, or in Hunter's case it would be a trip to WrestleMania, there's no doubt that he makes that road trip and leads the pack doing it too. On a side-note, Trips also suffers from unfair persecution from the IWC much in the same way that Muslims face unfair labeling and treatment from the rest of the world. It's a match made in Heaven.... 72 virgins and all.  Buddhism – Not only does Buddhism have the distinction of being the fourth largest religion in the world, but also the universally recognized religion for chubby chasers. Yes, the Pillsbury Dough-Boy of deities is a unique one. It's so unique, in fact, that Buddhists don't actually focus their time worshiping Buddha and instead spend their time focusing on the spirituality of the individual and their goal to attain enlightenment with the world that surrounds them. One of the dominant philosophies in Buddhism is that desire is the source of man's troubles and by eliminating desire from one's life a Buddhist can get closer to attaining Nirvana – a state of total enlightenment. In simpler terms, you might say that trying leads to failure, so the secret to happiness is to never try. Like Hinduism, Buddhism also entails reincarnation although it differs slightly from traditional Hindu beliefs since Buddhists believe that that reincarnation closer resembles the idea of a leaf falling from a tree – the leaf will grow back on the branch of the tree, but it will not be the same leaf as before. Where Hinduism dictates that how “good” someone leads their life will help dictate how they are reincarnated, Buddhism focuses on the pursuit of total enlightenment rather than obedience to a god. There's that pesky desire again. Man, for a religion that doesn't actively seek converts they can come off a little preachy sometimes. Sheesh. So for all those Buddhists out there in the world that love wrestling, but lack someone to rally behind, a good candidate might be...  ... Jeff Hardy. If you are looking for a professional wrestler who has let go of desire in the world of wrestling, look no further than Jeff Hardy. He has released himself of desire so much so that he is at a point in his life where he doesn't even wrestle any longer and shows no signs of seeking to return to past glory in either WWE or TNA. Jeff also tries to fulfill his own forms of enlightenment through his explorations in sculpting crude works or art and writing shitty music. Also, like a leaf from a tree, Jeff Hardy has taken his fair share of falls in wrestling and each time to returns to that branch to fall again he is never quite the same... as can be seen by his noticeable limp. Unlike Buddhists though, Jeff Hardy doesn't completely abstain from alcohol and drugs, but that can be overlooked I imagine. Hell, if Buddhists looked to a straight edge guy like CM Punk as their idol, they might be disappointed in his insatiable desire to gain ground and stature in the world of wrestling, which ultimately brings him more hardship as he goes along. Just ask Stephanie McMahon about that.  Agnosticism – It's the religion that's not really a religion at all. Agnostics are often mistaken for atheists who assert that there is no God. In actuality, agnosticism is essentially the belief that it is impossible to know with any certainty whether there is or is not a God. If agnosticism where a country it would be Switzerland – Neutral, babay! You believe in God? Great. An agnostic isn't going to all you an idiot for believing in a supernatural being that doesn't even exist. They're probably just going to call you an idiot for being arrogant enough to say that it's a fact that there is a God in the first place. That's all. See? No problem. It isn't even a way of thinking that restricted to those who don't believe in a god either. Some agnostics don't believe in God, sure, and maintain that the true knowledge of a god's existence is impossible. There are other agnostics though that do believe in God, yet hold that same philosophy that any true knowledge of God's existence is unattainable. Either way, if an agnostic is a wrestling fan and doesn't have a favorite wrestler yet, who should they turn to?  Hulk Hogan? Let's face it. Hulk Hogan is easily the most recognized professional wrestler in history. For an agnostic, it's an easy hop, skip, and a jump to get the Hulkster's bandwagon. Sure he's old, sure he barely wrestles, and sure his popularity has been waining gradually with every passing year while he relies heavily on nostalgia to keep his public status afloat, but none of that really matters though because he's still arguably the greatest thing to ever happen to sports-entertainment. And in that statement is the key word for any agnostic... “arguably”. When it comes to religion, agnostics usually find themselves coming under fire from devout Christians for their lack of faith, so in the world of wrestling it can be easy to come under fire from Hulkamaniacs for not having faith in the Immortal One. For the agnostic, it's not a matter of not being a fan of Hulk Hogan, but in their assertion that he is truly the greatest professional wrestler who ever lived. But why Hulk Hogan for agnostics and not someone else? Well, if an agnostic actually takes the reigns of their decision making for once and take a definitive and bold stance on something in their lives, they won't need me to tell them what to do... or even Hulkamania.  Jediism – Get a load of this. During a 2001 census, seventy thousand Australians, fifty-three thousand New Zealanders, twenty thousand Canadians, and three-hundred and ninety thousand English and Welsh all stated their religion to be Jedi. In fact, those numbers from England and Wales were so large that it made Jediism the fourth largest reported religion for that region. Ho. Ly. Fuck. Whether is was a done as a gag or die-hard Star Wars fans genuinely wanted to be known as Jedi, I don't know and don't really care. That's just plain fucked up... and hilarious to a spectacular degree. Even though it's nowhere near being recognized as an official religion, this “movement” was enough for the British government to add an extra code to their database for Jedi. Even a member of British Parliament jokingly referred to himself as a Jedi in 2005 when addressing religious intolerance. The sci-fi religion is actually an amalgamation Taoism and similar types of faith, but has been adopted by many introverted outcasts and middle-aged virgins around the globe. The way of “the Force” might even be a noble way to go through life with all those midi-chlorians and such, but what good does it all do when one of the Jedi faithful can't even decide who their favorite wrestler is? To help out, maybe those Skywalker wannabe's could go with...  ... Strong Bad. Oh c'mon, don't look so shocked. If you're religion is based entirely on a series of science-fiction films with shitty acting, bad dialogue, and kick ass special effects then I see no problem in you choosing to favor a wrestler that is also based in the realm of fiction. Besides, ol' Strong Bad brings a healthy balance to Star Wars since the acting is better, he's got sharper dialogue, and the special effects... eh, not so great. You can also relate to him a great deal as he spends much of his time communicating via e-mail and criticizing pop culture – two things that Star Wars geeks should be quite prophetic with. The End Hallelujah! We made it through another volume of F.B.G. and we came out of it relatively unscathed... although I appear to be bleeding through the palms of my hands and soles of my feet. I'm sure it's nothing though; probably just some flu bug going around. Anyway, I hope you had as much of an epiphanic experience as I did with this column. Bless you all. Speaking of being blessed, I'd be remissed if I didn't leave you all with what I'm sure several of you skipped to the bottom of the column to see. So here it is, heathens... Your Moment Of Zen.  www.wrestlingforjesus.org *NEW GALLERY* Very CONTROVERSIAL Shots of Randy Orton in His Hotel Room!!
|
|