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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, October 15, 2006 at 11:58 PM EST
 Welcome to the Report, heroes. You'll have to excuse me if this column comes off a little sluggish, as I am just exhausted. Man, what a heavy week in WWE we had. Three hours of No Mercy, then three hours of a Raw Reunion, a very exhilarating hour of ECW on Sci Fi, and two jam-packed hours of Smackdown. I am pooped. I can only wonder how some of those Smackdown stars are feeling, since they pulled in triple duty this week. I wonder if they got paid overtime. Nah, maybe if they were unionized, but thankfully they are not. Speaking of Raw Reunion, that was like getting a second PPV this week for free. I mean, honestly, it was equal to if not greater than No Mercy... and No Mercy was inarguably a fantastic show. I'm still in awe of MVP's debut. Raw, however, was just packed to the gills with some spectacular booking. We had John Cena open up the show with a stirring promo, which would have been great on it's own, but we got the added bonus of seeing the seeds planted for Cyber Sunday when King Booker and the Big Show each came down to kick off a triple threat feud. Now some might say that creating a feud encompassing three key characters, champions no less, is a bit much for the WWE creative teams to concentrate on. Perhaps, this is one of those cases where I feel quantity will outweigh quality. Sure, the feud is more than likely going to come off as clumsy and poorly thought out, but that's only if you look at it with a critical eye. Just think of the numerous times we're going to see cross-promotional appearances, promos, run-ins, and matches over the next few weeks. While they all seem like a bunch of haphazardly written and muddled viewing experiences, we're going to see so many of them on all three weekly shows that it won't matter. Think of it as a WWE clearance sale – Sure, they're selling you garbage, but there's just so much of it... and it's all half-price! There was something that happened on the Raw Reunion that I wasn't terribly happy to see however. It happened during the segment that aired the match between Mitch of the Spirit Squad and “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Mitch came out with the Spirit Squad, a personal favorite of mine creatively speaking (There's just something about make cheerleaders that scream heel). It's when Ric Flair called out his backup that I was taken a little aback. First we had Rowdy Roddy Piper come out, followed by Money Inc., and then finally Arn Anderson. Collectively, there was nothing really wrong there, but it's when I took in the group as individuals something just didn't add up. First you've got the Rowdy Scot in his classic garb and cocky swagger. Then there's the consummate villain in the Million Dollar Man with that trademark laugh that is instantly recognizable. Then you've got the guy that has long been Flair's right-hand man with Double A. And then there was Mike Rotunda dressed up in his old IRS attire, which actually appeared to be the exact same shirt and tie that he used to wear fifteen years ago. I mean, when you look at those four guys standing side by side, one of them just really sticks out like a sore thumb as a guy that just doesn't belong, and I think you all know who I'm referring to. Am I right? Arn Anderson. Honestly, Arn, where's the gimmick? All three of the other backup men had trademark gimmicks that propelled them to success in WWE. Hot Rod was the Scotsman with the shortest temper in professional wrestling who had such trademarks as his kilt and Piper's Pit. Then you've got Ted DiBiase with that Million Dollar Belt, “Everybody's got a price”, and the a butler named Virgil to do run-ins for him. And of course there is IRS. This guy is all gimmick, and it works. Who better to despise in wrestling than a tax collector? And where was Mike Rotunda without the gimmick? A Varsity Squad? What the hell is that? How could anyone buy into a collegiate squad of young men trying to get over as heels? C'mon. When it came to Arn though, just where was the gimmick? He was called a Brainbuster for a while, but what the hell is a “Brainbuster” anyway? It was just Arn with his same old attire and same old attitude? Where was the costume? Where was the accent? Where was the catchphrase? Sorry, Arn, but when you've got three easily identifiable characters coming out... and then you? That's just bad booking. On the subject of bad booking, I've been reading a lot of negative comments about ECW's Extreme Strip Poker from Tuesday night. LoP reported on Wednesday that a lot of people backstage at this week's ECW/SD television tapings were quite embarrassed by the episode of ECW on Sci Fi that had been taped one week earlier, which was blamed primarily on the recurring segments of Extreme Strip Poker. Well, I certainly wasn't embarrassed to watch the show this past week and I don't believe WWE should feel embarrassed either. And my reason is this week's word.  They are nature's candy. Or is that fruit? No, I think fruit is nature's toothbrush. Or is that just apples? Anyway, boobs are great. (Boobs > Frost Flakes. They'r G-g-g-g-g-g-reat!) They sustain us when we're infants and consume our thoughts the rest of our days. (Betcha can't eat just one.) They're like some kind of a holy grail. (... but on a woman's chest.) Elusive, tantalizing, and pursued by every red-blooded man walking the face of the earth. (Except maybe John Travolta.) So when WWE spends copious amounts of time in advertising ECW's Extreme Strip Poker, that part of our brain is supposed to kick in and tell us to watch out for some potential boobage. (Nip slips are a ratings grabber.) But for some reason, there are those among us who reject those kinds of stimuli. (Usually referred to as interior decorators.) For them, six gorgeous women taking part in a series of thinly veiled attempts at inflaming male hormones with promises of undress is for some reason unwelcome on a pro wrestling program. (So is actual wrestling these days too, it seems.) To those men, I say for shame. For shame in not enjoying one of life's simple pleasures (Spay-on cheese?) – boobs for the sake of boobs. (That was my second guess.) Tell me not of how their dialogue at the card table was sterile and uninspired. (A poet laureate, Ashley is not.) Spare me the details of how seeing Balls Mahoney trussed up like a organ grinder's pet monkey was unpleasant to the eyes. (I'm just glad I didn't see him pull out his organ.) I wish not to be told of how we were promised poker and were presented with a rudimentary game of “High Card Wins”. (Being high would have really helped make it watchable.) None of this matters when you look at the big picture, people. (A big picture would have been preferable.) What truly matters is that for a time we were treated to seeing six of WWE's lower rung Diva's stripped down to their bras and panties... and that is truly a rare and precious thing. (... as long as every other week doesn't count.) And to those men who would reject such viewing pleasures, I think there's just one word that properly described you. (Boobs.) And that's the word. Moving on, over the course of the Report's tenure here on Lords of Pain, I've received numerous e-mails from Canadians attempting to correct me on what they have considered to be inaccuracies and downright untruths about their native land. Well, if there is one thing that I am against it's untruth. So as an olive branch of sorts to the snow-driven people of the north, I have endeavored to seek knowledge from the learning tree that displays a bright red maple leaf. I present to you a spotlight on a proud country as part of a new segment here on the Report. A segment which may spark numerous incarnations in future editions. It's Part One of a potential 191 part series and the title is...  America's chilly neighbor to the north, Canada ranks as the world's second largest country in the world with only Russia beating them in square mileage... or in Canadian terms, square kilometers. Canada, as it's known now, was founded in 1841 as a province of Great Britain when the two colonies of Upper Canada and Lower Canada were unionized. The country's name was not officially Canada until 1867, however, during it's Confederation as the Dominion of Canada which allowed Canada to be recognized as a self-governing country. Although it wasn't until as recent as 1982 that Canada managed to break all legislative ties to Great Britain, to become not just a dominion of the British Empire, but the red-headed stepchild who finally moved out of it's parents attic. Professional wrestling has a rich history in Canada with several notable names being inducted into the Canadian Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. Gene Kiniski, Rick Martel, Stu Hart, Bret Hart, Pat Patterson, Jacques Rougeau Jr., and Jacques Rougeau Classic. Prior to WWE's utter dominance of the North American landscape, Canada also had a very vibrant landscape of wrestling territories that included Stu Hart's Stampede Wrestling, Emile Dupree's Grand-Prix Wrestling, Lutte International, and the lesser known Eskimo Pro. I had a chance to ask a few questions to some Canadian wrestling fans to see if I could possibly learn a little bit more about their country, and maybe even nail them with a hard-hitting question or two. I decided my best bet in getting a fair assessment of Canada would be to recruit the more notable Canadian members of the LoP Forums. There is Robb from New Brunswick who has a graphic design background that can be appreciated at www.clarkegraphics.com. We also have Big Brother, LoP main page columnist and Quebec native. And then we have Jaro from the province of Nova Scotia... he likes grapefruit juice. Robb, I'll start with you. Several WWE Superstars that were born and/or raised in Canada have migrated to the southern states like Florida and Georgia to live. What do you believe is thing about Canada that they despise the most to want to leave their native land? Robb: I don't think that there's anything that they despise about their home and native land that is driving them to move to the United States. What I think is prompting wrestlers to move south is the fact that Canadians absolutely love a good storm. I don't know one Canadian that doesn't love a good thunder storm or blizzard, they're obviously moving south to enjoy the hurricanes while they're still hurricanes. Sure, here in Eastern Canada we get the tail end of a hurricane long after it has been down graded, or we might get lucky and catch a hurricane right before it gets down graded but they generally don't hit the rest of the country. I'd imagine that they're all just heading down south to see what all the fuss is about. Our dollar is strong right now. Flights to and from the US are easy. Driving to and from the US is easy. We have national health care and beautiful women. We have Bob Cole and Harry Neil. What's not to love about Canada? They're obviously just going down there for the storms. Interesting. So you not only admit that Canadians enjoy seeing American soil being ravaged by natural disasters, but also relish that border security between Canada and the US is so easy to traverse, it provides easy transport for terrorists. I must say that it's refreshing to hear such an unashamed admission to this. My next question goes to fellow columnist, Big Brother. Why does Canada have an open agenda against sports-entertainment? Big Brother: Well Canada doesn't really have an agenda against sports-entertainment... Canada has an agenda against fun. Anything fun must be bad for you. Gambling, cigarettes, marijuana, throwing cream pie in the face of a politician. Anything but drinking. That is the only totally legal fun we can have and... well... we use it. Indeed. Well, it's clear to see that if Canada is ever in need of a new Minister of Tourism, you could be a front-runner for the position. With a hard sell like that, it's a wonder Mexicans aren't bypassing the US entirely and running for the Canadian border to boot. Jaro, my next question is for you. Bret Hart is currently touring with the family musical, “Aladdin”, starring as the Genie. Which do you believe is a bigger embarrassment to the Hart Family? Bret Hart dressed as a Genie? Or Bret Hart's hair? Jaro: His hair. Bret Hart has transformed from a dark-haired stallion into a ragged troll. Don't bring your three billy goats gruff across that bridge in Calgary, Alberta. That said, Bret may have been more suited for the role of the magic carpet in Aladdin, but that is neither here nor there. Bret Hart is no stranger to being incomprehensible, imbalanced and blue, however, so the Genie role suits him fine. Robin Williams may be eating his heart out as we speak, if he actually knew who Bret Hart even was. The Hart family should be proud of his role, but if and only if Bret Hart survives. And if he doesn't, we can just stuff him back in the lamp for another trillion years. Hopefully he finds some hair implants in there. Oh yeah, this musical will never be a success until they cast Dean Malenko as Aladdin and Jim Neidhart as Jafar. "SO LONG PRINCE ABUBU!" I like the way you think. I didn't think I'd ever catch myself saying that to a Canadian. I may be so bold to say that this was a trick question though, as both are equally embarrassing to the Hart family. If the Hitman's appearance at the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony taught us anything, it's that the fine line between wrestling legend and Ozzy Osbourne look-a-like is wire thin. Robb, back to you. Nearly all Canadian wrestling fans were outraged over how Bret Hart was treated during Survivor Series '97. As it relates to this, in your personal opinion, which would you rather have? Bret Hart defect to WCW with the WWE Title? Or have Saddam Hussein still in power? Robb: I'd much rather see Hussein in power. I mean, come on, what did the guy ever do to the US? They're making this big fuss about how he has WMDs but they went and didn't find a single one. Was their intelligence good? Sure, it was... back in the 80s when they sold him the WMDs, I'm assuming that boy wonder was just assuming that some 20 years later that the bombs would still be in the same place. That make sense, right? As far as Hart with the belt is concerned. I would have loved to see it. Why, you ask? Any chance a Canadian can get to stick it to the American population, he should jump on it. Taking the belt to WCW would have poked Vince right in the dumper, and I personally would have been proud of Bret. It would have been huge for the wrestling industry if he took the belt there. WCW tried to do it with the Women's Championship, remember when Madusa through it in the trash can on live TV? Yeah, that failed miserably, but that was only the women's championship. It holds less weight than HHH with the World Champion... I mean the Hardcore Title. It would have created a ton more competition for the two companies if Bret was able to take the belt there. Oh well. I must say that your frank honesty in your disdain towards America is both refreshing and reprehensible. It is a wonder that the US hasn't taken a more aggressive stance against a country that harbors such ill will towards the Red, White, and Blue. And while Madusa may have literally thrown the WWE Women's Title in the trash, I think we can all agree that she proverbially did the same thing to the WCW Cruiserweight Title when she won that during WCW's dying days. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. Big Bro, here's one more for you to answer since you're from Quebec. There's often been talk of Quebec wanting to become it's own sovereign nation (a brand split, if you will). If this type of split were to occur, who do you believe should get the Raw brand and who should get Smackdown? Big Brother: Is there any question here? The official color of Quebec is blue. Canada is red. The biggest pool of talent will be in Canada while Quebec will put on some very entertaining matches but can't really be competitive. But on the other hand, everybody knows that the most beautiful women in the world are in Quebec. So I'll say we'll be the Smackdown version with the Women Division. Oh and without the midgets. We'll just ship those to Toronto. So even as a Quebecer, you freely admit that Canada is superior. Honest and humble. Admirable qualities to be sure. It's no wonder that Quebec wants to separate from the rest of Canada – they're the ones with all the integrity. I should also note that until you have witnessed the Italian Women's Olympic Volleyball Team, you haven't witnessed true beauty. My God, I would vote for polygamy if I could marry that entire team. Anyway, back to Canada. Jaro, I've saved the last question for you. Who do you predict will be the next Canadian wrestler to verbally attack WWE in a spiteful and bitter tirade? Jaro: Rene Dupree. What doesn't the guy have to be upset over? First of all, the guy was born in New Brunswick, and for those of you who will need a comparison, that's like the Maine of Canada. Actually, just so to keep things simple, we'll just say he's from Maine. (Quick fact: 4 out of 5 Americans think that New Brunswick is a croissant). Second of all, he's actually PROUD to have been raised in Maine. This suggests that Dupree has some sort of brain dysfunction and thus should be handled tenderly in the WWE. So what does Vince do to the poor schmuck? Well he starts by telling Dupree to denounce his Maine heritage for that of France. Then they strap him with a poodle named Fifi. That seemed like a cute idea, but Dupree's fragile spirit was quickly shot down when fans lined up in droves for Fifi's autograph. Rene who? But that ain't the half of it. Let's take a look at the two guys he's been paired with, other than a poodle. Sylvan Grenier. Kenzo Suzuki. A tour guide and a man whose only claim to fame is a shitty motorcycle production line. Besides, we Canadians still haven't gotten over the fact that the Japanese bombed Vancouver Island at the end of World War II. Most recently, Rene Dupree was told to stop taking steroids so he would be fit to be served on a platter in ECW. Talk about a light meal. You subject a humble man from Maine to the combustive elements of poodle training, Kenzo training, and having your precious needles taken away from you, and you're just begging for an emotional meltdown. The Sword of Damocles hangs by a thread. Thank God you used Maine as a reference. For a minute there, I was wondering if I was supposed to go out and buy croissants. I also wasn't aware that Vancouver was an island. I thought it was a city. There, I learned something new right there about Canada. Thank you, Jaro. Well, I must say that this has all been very enlightening and I'd like to thank all three of you for agreeing to take part in this. I think we've all come away from this a little wiser in the ways of Canada and their pockets of pure evil that seep from icy springs. That's one country down, 190 to go. So let's mark the occasion by putting Canada up on the big board.  There. That's going to wrap it up for this week. The Boss Report will be dropping gears a bit over the next few weeks, as yours truly is busy organizing the Columns Forum Hall of Fame. There's currently a vote going on for “Reader's Choice” if you'd like to cast your vote on which LoP columnist should be the very first to be inducted into the HoF. I'm also in the midst of resurrecting a long forgotten awards segment called The Memmy's. It's a way of remembering the best and the worst from the past year, so be on the look out for that this fall. Until next time, however, here's that little something to keep you warm at night. Here it is... your moment of Zen.  Can you believe the RCMP actually banned Jacques from using this gimmick in Canada? What's to be offended over? *NEW GALLERY* Even MORE Hot Shots of TORRIE WILSON Tearing the Night Up!
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