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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, September 30, 2006 at 5:21 PM EST
Welcome back everybody to the column that sucks worse than Spyware, The Nosebleed Section. I am your infectious host, Randomguy#5 and today I’ll save you the song and dance about how real world sucks and I’ve been busy and I can’t find time to write and yada yada yada….. Love me when I’m here. Hate me when I’m not. Or hate me when I’m hear and love me when I’m not, whatever works for you. I’m getting ready to head out of town for a day or two to celebrate some birthdays with the family but before I do I’m hoping that I have time to knock out a quick column for everybody. First off let me say I’m sorry for “Monday Night Countdown” having slowed a bit in the past month or so. It goes back to the ‘yada yada’ from the last paragraph, but there’s a part of me that really believes the show is better when we don’t do it every week, simply because I feel like we spend all of our time talking about the same subjects and saying everything we had said the previous week. I know at least some of you were curious to hear what Morph and I had to say about the major news this week of Kurt Angle jumping ship over to TNA and I promise you we’ll dedicate a good amount of time to that in the next episode. Right now, I’m still sorting through some feeling on the subject, though my gut reaction was nothing negative at all towards anybody. I’ll try and give a brief synopsis of my opinions as they are right now, on what could be the biggest news to hit wrestling since WCW folded. Many had lashed out at Kurt and called him every bad name in the book. To them I say-who the fuck are you to judge? Don’t tell me about how Kurt will kill himself in the ring because you’re not Kurt nor are you his doctors. I won’t believe every little web report and pretend that I know the intimate details of Kurt’s health, because the fact of the matter is, I don’t know jack shit and neither do 99% of you regarding his health. Furthermore, to those of you who felt “lied to” because he said he was retiring, I simply laugh in your general direction. Guys, he didn’t lie to you. Had Kurt called me on the phone and said “Random, you’re my best friend in the world and I swear on my mother’s grave that I am not wrestling in the future” then maybe I’d give some credibility to this “Kurt lied” bullshit. Until then, either the man simply changed his mind (it happens with wrestlers and retirement you know) or else he was just playing his cards close to the vest. Wrestling has a history of being a cutthroat business and for fans to feel offended by that is ludicrous. We’ll never know why exactly the WWE released Kurt but to sit here and say that the horrible things people have said about the man because he was fired from one company, said the right things upon his departure, then took a job with another company, is just blind ignorance and demonstrates why so many that actually work within the business despise those of us who talk about it online. The simple fact is: we don’t know shit about shit. We don’t know his health, we don’t know his situation with the company, we don’t know WWE’s true motives, we only know what we’ve been spoon fed, and if you refuse to think for yourself on this subject and choose only to believe what WWE.com is saying, then you’re falling victim to a spin campaign and accepting fabricated excuses as factual information from a company and a website known for lying to fans (its called a “work” in the wrestling business). Give me a break kids. The only group that feeds more bullshit propaganda is the federal government, and their website, FoxNews.com. C’mon that was funny and you know it. Let me throw another hypothesis out there as well as long as we’re all just speculating and pretending to be experts. The WWE fired Kurt Angle not because he violated a drug policy or for backstage behavior, but because they found him to be overrated and no longer valuable to the company. If you are to believe all the net ‘news’ then one must assume that the WWE has no set policies on such behaviors or Randy Orton would have been axed long ago. The more believable theory to me is that the WWE viewed Angle as washed up and overrated, a guy who had put on some classic matches in the past but had done little impressive of late, a guy who had bitched about is place in the company around every turn, and a guy who had exhausted every dimension of his current character with little evidence of any real creativity to come. Look at the way Kurt’s WWE career had gone since his Wrestlemania feud with HBK and I think its easy to see that the WWE had lost faith in his ability to perform, entertain, and draw fan interest. Was this a result of drug abuse or other such shenanigans backstage? Possibly, but countless wrestlers have had demons or problems backstage and that’s never stopped them from holding a prominent place in the company. I believe Kurt Angle was a Top 5 performer in the WWE, and is probably a Top 5 talent in the industry as a whole. That being said, I do not believe that WWE brass felt the same way, and viewed him as expendable from a pure talent perspective, otherwise they would not have let him leave so carelessly as to end up in the hands of their only competition. Kurt Angle will go on to lead TNA into the mainstream, and for his sake, I hope he does. Otherwise all of the doomsday predicting smarks screaming he’ll kill himself and the dumbass know-nothing marks who feel “lied to” by a man they’ve never met, will be right. Were either of those possibilities to prove true, the fabric of time would tear and our existence would descend into nothingness. I once wrote a column dedicated to the championships used in professional wrestling and all of the wonder that is associated with them. Admittedly, such a discussion could in reality be a thesis. Never before has the entertainment world seen such a mysterious and misunderstood phenomenon as the championships of professional wrestling. They are props-designed and created to do little more than provide incentive for the storyline to keep going. But they are much more than that, in that they are the pinnacles of industry-stepping stones by which a performers career will be judged. This inspired my Quarterly Title Report idea. The premise is simple. I will attempt to rank the Championships and their respective “divisions”. Keep in mind that I am only focusing on Total Non-stop Action and World Wrestling Entertainment. I’ve heard tale of the great things being done by Ring of Honor and New Japan, but sadly I am not educated enough in their goings on to include them in this list. Perhaps someday, but not today. Click HERE to read the First Quarter Title Report, written weeks before the Royal Rumble, and HERE to read the Second Quarter Report if you’d like to see how things may have changed between now and then. I had originally intended on doing them a week or two after each major PPV (this was to be after SummerSlam) but the way the WWE is booking their major PPV’s these days, they’re not the blow-off to feuds like they once were, and sometimes it benefit’s the Report if I wait a while and see what develops in certain divisions before I try and rank them. I intend to do the 4th Quarter Report shortly after Survivor Series, and a year end wrap up sort of thing right before the Royal Rumble. The rankings of these divisions and titles are based solely on my own opinion and I am taking into account the perceived “divisions” or people regularly in the title hunt, perceived credibility both of the belt itself and the champion at the time, in ring work, potential in the immediate future, recent past, storylines and entertainment value. Hope you enjoy it. #12 WWE Smackdown: WWE Cruiserweight Championship Current Champion: Gregory Helms I can’t figure this division out. I haven’t bothered to really break down the rankings of this year thus far, but I’d be shocked if the CW title isn’t somewhere near the bottom overall. Gregory Helms has had the belt long enough to be doing something but he’s just really not doing anything, and I can’t recall the last time this was defended on a PPV (probably like a month ago, thus making me look retarded.) It’s the most poorly booked title in the WWE, month in and month out. All the talent in the world, plenty of room to grow, a history of being highly entertaining (even on Smackdown) and yet-no life whatsoever. A piss poor example of how to use a wrestling championship. #11 WWE Raw: WWE Women’s Championship Current Champion: None Trish’s departure doesn’t just leave a huge gaping hole, it almost spells death for the industry’s most fragile of titles. The good news is that the belt didn’t get retired with Trish, something I thought actually might happen, but the bad news is that there doesn’t look to be anybody that is as uber-over as Trish was. Lita has been in the past, and she has the ability to get over with the fans and get it done in the ring, but you do kina have to watch with your eyes closed sometimes and hold your breath every time she goes up the turnbuckle. Mickie James represents the future very well and I think she will most certainly be the next ‘darling Diva’ of the IWC. Plus, she also represents a trend in the WWE to not simply look for stick figure, Barbie doll types but a slightly more shapely Diva who is boiling hot without looking breakable. (Mickie, Melina, Arial, etc). Mickie and Melina will hopefully carry the division as well if not better than Trish and Lita have for the last few years. Candice looks to be actually trying in the ring, which is interesting, but I can’t help but think that the WWE is regretting cutting loose Gail Kim and possibly Christy Hemme, though she reportedly had a thing for Trips which will get you fired in a hurry from that company. Regardless, the division isn’t dead, and has had a better year this year than in the last three or four, but its sort of in a rut right now compared to where it was six months ago. #10 WWE Smackdown: WWE Tag Team Championship Current Champions: Paul London and Brian Kendrick With MNM split up, it’s pretty much just been these two getting the shit kicked out of them since, only to win in a miracle upset with the title on the line. Too much “face in peril” booking on Smackdown, especially given that I had my fill of that with Rey as the world champion. There’s a plethora of new talent kicking around this division which means that it’s in a state of flux, yet I’m not real sure what the intention is. I still prefer the current Raw division as a whole, though I do like Kendrick/London as champions. I still believe Marty Jannety will be brought in to manage them for a time as “the new rockers” or some such storyline, only to swerve them later and begin managing some giant tag team later. #9 NWA-TNA: X-Division Championship Current Holder: Senshi I won’t spend long on this, namely because neither does the TNA booking committee. My how the mighty have fallen, eh? Six months ago this division was Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, and Samoa Joe and was the hottest thing in wrestling. Know it’s the home of “Jackass” movie spots and a bunch of wrestlers who all seem to blur together. Chris Sabin has breakout potential but can’t seem to catch a break, and the same could be said for Petey Williams, who I think could benefit from a face turn. In reality, something should probably be done to mix up the entire “moral allegiance” of the division as several wrestlers could stand a swerve. Williams, Sabin, Senshi, Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal and about twelve other people are possibilities here, but while there is plenty of talent this entire division sorely lacks direction. There’s no innovation or character to drive the division, which is said given that it was once the pinnacle of TNA. #8 WWE Raw-World Tag Team Championships Current Champion: The Spirit Squad Blah blah and more blah. The Spirit Squad needs to split up now as months ago when it was rumored would have been too soon, and it is now past due. There are two legit tag teams in that group, plus Kenny as a singles competitor, and a breakup there could lead to a decent tag division when combined with The Highlanders, who seem to have gone from highly entertaining to forgotten about. Cryme Time is on the way, and it remains to be seen exactly what they will have to offer, as they could represent a pathetic attempt at short term gain due to cheap heat or an increased focus on returning glory to the tag ranks. There is potential here: Potential for entertainment and potential suck. I’ve no idea which we’re going to get. #7 WWE Smackdown: United States Championship Current Champion: Finlay What a bizarre state of affairs this division is in right now. Finlay with the title would make sense, but he’s wrapped up in a feud with Batista who’s way beyond the US Title. Along with Lashley and Regal the division looked to be gaining some strength only to some how be fused into the main event scene with King Booker. I honestly believe that the WWE was shocked by how well the King Booker character took off and are scrambling now to figure out what to do with him. Subsequently it’s put the midcard on hold as the midcard is becoming the main event and vice versa. How confusing. Ken Kennedy will get a look later and he could really use the US belt in much the same way Cena did-making it his own and elevating both to new heights. A Kennedy/Lashley feud for the US championship is my guess for later, and it should be quite alright. I’d like to see Chavo Guerrero get in the mix after the Rey feud as well. #6 WWE: ECW World Title Current Champion: The Big Show This is to me the spot in the Report where all of the Title pictures take a significant turn for the better. The ECW World Title debut on my Report was fairly hard to rank. The history of the belt is totally in the eye of the beholder and even the current situation depends on your tastes and your opinion of the new ECW product. The Big Show is at the very least creditable, becoming the first to hold the ECW, WWE, and World Heavyweight belts, and he has been putting on entertaining matches in the new ECW as well. The circumstances surrounding the seemingly whimsical use of “Extreme Rules” matches bothers me, as I feel that at the very least if such a thing has to exist at all, the title should always be decided under extreme rules. I really get the feeling that the Big Show was the safe bet for the WWE while they let the ground settle under the new brand and determine exactly what they had on their hands. RVD and Sabu would strike me as the only legit contenders to the Title, though a host of other people could be at that level with minimal effort including Sandman, Dreamer, or CM Punk. The entire title scene seems to be on hold, but I’m not entirely sure what they’re waiting on at this point. At least they seem to be putting some distance between ECW and Raw/SD. #5 TNA: NWA Tag Team Champions Current Champions: “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles and “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels You have to appreciate a good blood feud where the competitors really do seem to despise each other, and that’s what we are getting right now with Styles and Daniels vs. LAX. These guys are polar opposites on most everything you could think of from look to attitude to in ring styles. I’m not fond of the way the title belt itself has been getting hotshot around between the two teams but I suppose it was necessary to continue the feud. While we’re on the subject, I’m not fond either of “The Fallen Angel” where khakis and collars-what a lame apparel choice and watered down, shittacular gimmick from what he used to run with the robes and evil religions. The Naturals are a very capable tag team, as are AMW and both of them are still looming around the division. Team 3D seems directionless and need to refresh that gimmick in some capacity, but they’ll be a solid future opponent for Lax, who I expect to come out on top at Bound For Glory. Take note Vince, this is what a tag division should look like. #4 WWE Raw: WWE Intercontinental Championship Current Champion: Johnny Nitro w/ Melina This entire division has been solid for a while now. Johnny Nitro is such an ass that the gold seems natural for him. Jeff Hardy has been fairly vanilla thus far, but he’ll be a mainstay in and around this division and that’s just fine. I hate the idea of Kane mixing it up with these guys as he looks out of place, and Carlito may be slightly above the division at this point though I’d consider him a contender. Shelton Benjamin will be around the hunt for a while as well, and a feud with him and Hardy could be entertaining as well. Kenny from the Spirit Squad will likely be tossed into the mix soon as well, and adds to a charismatic and athletic division. I’m a fan of this belt right now, both for where it’s been the last few months and where it could be in the future. I do really wish however that the WWE wouldn’t be afraid to book it higher on the card, it seems as though they really don’t want it overshadowing DX or the WWE Title. It’s a shame, because there really is a lot of potential here, and I can’t wait for these guys to mix it up again in a gimmick match (Money in the Bank ladder style) again. Great work here. #3 WWE Smackdown: World Heavyweight Championship Current Holder: King Booker After the debacle of booking that was the Rey Mysterio Title reign, the WWE seems to have found a diamond in the rough in King Booker. Unfortunately, they have no real competition for him. His title run is starting to remind me a lot of JBL’s in 2005 or Triple H in 2002. He’s a champion who people will line up to hate, and hope he gets his ass beat. Even if you’re fan of Book, you have to boo those sick nasty toes of his. Batista is around, and The Undertaker is always a possibility, with Bobby Lashley serving as a stop-gap to buy time and figure out what will happen next with Booker. I think his next real challenge will probably be Chris Benoit, (a feud I’m looking forward to) but I still expect Booker to hold the title until ‘Mania, something I’d have never predicted just a couple of months ago. He’s been a pleasant surprise for the WWE. #2 WWE Raw: WWE Heavyweight Championship Current Champion: John Cena This is the first time I haven’t ranked this title at #1 and honestly I almost put it at #3. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the Cena/Edge feud, but as of right now, the wrong guy has gone over. Cena’s had an up and down career, but he has gone stale in my opinion, and this is coming from a guy who has backed him the entire time the rest of the world was booing. I just don’t know what else he has to offer that we haven’t seen before, he’s spent too long in this current place on the roster. Edge on the other hand had exponential upside as The Rated “R” Super Star with his slut by his side, Lita. The two could have easily gone over Cena, had a mini-feud through the end of the year (Carlito? Jeff Hardy? Shawn Michales?) before moving on to face Trips at ‘Mania. Yet that all seems to have fallen by the wayside now, in favor of what I can only guess is Orton/Cena before we move into Orton/Triple H at ‘Mania. Now, which would you have rather seen? (Also, if you’re a 12-16 year old girl, please don’t answer that, as I’m sure the thought of Orton doing anything blurred your vision you estrogen driven sorry excuse for a wrestling fan) This belt is undoubtedly one of the top three draws in the industry, and its tough to place it anywhere besides #1 based solely on its position as the highest achievement on the most watched show in the business. Still, it’s really starting to take a downhill turn, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a situation beyond the one I’ve mentioned above, which would put it in a sad state of affairs, and reward a performer whom the WWE should probably not be rewarding in Orton. The plans for its future need to be revaluated before it’s too late. #1 TNA: NWA World Heavyweight Champion Current Champion: Jeff Jarrett Remember what I said before about people lining up to hate a champion? Enter Jeff Jarrett, who in spite of being painfully predictable in the ring and obnoxiously stale in character, is easily the most over heel in the industry, bar none. TNA fans hate Jeff Jarrett. They loath him. WWE fans hate Jeff and won’t watch because of him, but many will tune in to see Joe or Angle take the belt off of him. Sting fans….well I’m sure both of you are amped up for Bound for Glory where he will be getting his ass kicked by who else..? Jeff Jarrett. Kurt Angle adds an entirely knew dimension to this company and immediately adds credibility. They should probably put the title on him sometime in the next two months, but that creates a huge problem where they guy they’ve been building towards all along, Samoa Joe, doesn’t get to dethrone Jarrett. That leaves Angle out in the cold and working with Christian or maybe somebody else moving up the card such as AJ Styles. Angle’s mere presence will elevate the entire company, adding credibility to a title scene that has sorely lacked it for most of the last three years. Jarrett is the monster heel, Joe is the upstart baby face that people are dying for, Angle is now the sure thing credibility boost, Sting is the legend, Cage/Rhyno/Abyss are fall back plans and Daniels, Styles, and Truth are all waiting in the wings. This, wrestling fans, is the hottest title scene in the industry and may finally be what TNA has been looking for to take them to the next level. All right kids that’s just about gonna wrap things up for today. Due to time constraints (and the fact that this is the longest freaking column ever) I’m going to skip the award and other nonsense this week, I’m sure you can forgive me. This is already the longest column I’ve written in a long time, but I felt like I owed you (and the staff of Lop) for taking some additional time off lately. I’ll make an effort to get back on some sort of normal schedule in the coming weeks or month and I appreciate all of your understanding and patience (especially you Calvin, muchos gracias). I’m out of there for the time being as I’m going to be late to the birthday parties I mentioned about two hours ago, but they’ll forgive me as well. Seems I’m asking for that a lot lately, huh? Wish my Cardinals luck the last few days and if you’re an Astros fan, die. Same can be said for the Rams, who escaped Arizona last week lucky to be 2-1. Morph and I will try to get a new addition of the Countdown knocked out next weekend or possibly I guess even late this weekend but very doubtful at this point. Thanks so much for your support in all my endeavors, be sure to show some love to others I’m whoring out below. If you’re still looking for shit to do, Ayatollah just crapped out another column in the columns for at lopforums.com, I’m sure it doesn’t entirely suck. Anyway, peace out kids, try not to get blown up by a nuclear bomb before we do this again. Thanks for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  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