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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, September 17, 2006 at 11:57 PM EST
 Welcome back once again, heroes, to the guiding light of the IWC. I trust you all have been well this past week. I know that I'm feeling refreshed. I've been spending the past week on a customized detoxification diet to help cleanse my body of any toxins that might be harboring inside. I do it a couple of times a year and it really does the trick to rejuvenate me and recharge the ol' batteries. The first week is the hardest part but the most rewarding, as it entails primarily drinking nothing but water and eating only steamed vegetables. It's well worth it though once you get used to the mild hallucinations and spastic colon. But enough of that, George Washington is leering at me from the corner of the room and telling me to get on with the column. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER, GEORGE! Speaking of dead presidents, Vinman is sure to be rolling in them right now. Recently, the WWE issued their Quarterly Dividend Report and stated that the Class A and Class B common stock garnered a dividend of 24 cents per share. If you're Vince McMahon and you just made nearly a quarter on every share that you've got, you've just made a nice chunk of coin. I wonder what he'll buy. Lord knows we're getting closer to Christmas and the man has one more grandchild that will be in need of a trust fund. Then there's the maintenance bills on that bus that Triple H and Stephanie drive around in when they're on the road. That thing isn't paying for itself. Then you've got the various lawsuits that Vince has to deal with. Gotta keep Congress and molested young women appeased. You know when you think about it, 24 cents a share just doesn't stretch as far as it used to. I'll tell you what is a stretch though, and that's the re-emerging claims that Vince McMahon is a racist. A couple of weeks ago, WWE started airing vignettes for a new tag-team to debut on Raw called “Cryme Tyme”. I swear, my hearty laughs had barely finished tapering off from seeing their first vignette before misguided hatemongers started hurling accusations of racism at Vince and WWE. All of which brings me to this week's word...  Now before you start lighting torches and brandishing pitchforks, hear me out. (Doesn't want to be bamboozled.) When I say “black humor”, I'm not referring to the apparent use of racial stereotypes as a way to get a laugh out of the audience. I'm talking about the actual dictionary definition of “black humor” - A form of humor that regards human suffering as farce rather than forsaken. (See Crocodile Hunter, death) Look, I'm sure WWE will even back me up on this. Where's that quote I got from their website? “In an effort to humor and entertain our fans, the tag team known as Cryme Tyme will be parodying racial stereotypes.” - WWE.com (September 4, 2006) Okay, maybe they are using racial stereotypes as a way to get a laugh out of the audience... but in a good way. (Good, as in there's no such thing as “bad” publicity.) You see, it's not that these guys are portraying the black populace in a bad light, far from it. (Vince likes to stay as far from black populace as possible.) They're an almost ironic representation of what pop culture has come to expect from many of their black entertainers. (i.e. Roided up and without shame.) How could Vince be declared guilty of racism in that light? The man is color blind, just like me. (Damn you, Ishihara tests!) Hell, I'm so color blind, I only recently found out that John Cena is white. (So did John Cena.) What I'm trying to get at is that the correlation between Cryme Tyme and any pattern of racist behavior on the part of Vince McMahon is completely fabricated. (This is a completely new pattern.) The WWE landscape is a particularly diverse one that has seen wrestlers of all shades and colors. (Everything from white to beige.) There are some people that are just going to look for excuses to play the race card though. They pontificate about WWE supposedly humiliating minority groups by representing them with idiotic stereotypical roles that purportedly perpetuate myopic views towards racial idiosyncrasies. (Boss Foxx read the dictionary this weekend. Turns out the zebra did it.) That's not WWE's fault though. They're not racially insensitive to any one race, they're insensitive to all of them. Where were the protests over Finlay's Irish character or William Regal's English character? (or Bobby Lashley's lack of character?) And it's not like Vince McMahon invented this stereotype either with Cryme Tyme. (Ice Cube and Chris Tucker have the patent pending from the “Friday” movies.) Vince just recognizes what pop culture is leaning towards these days and chooses to exploit on that. He's done it countless times in the past. (Just remember the ever-popular “Honky Tonk” craze of the 80's.) In the end, the controversy will be all but forgotten. (Just like Cryme Tyme in about six months.) There might be a lot of sound and fury when they finally make their in-ring debut, but just like Eugene's debut in 2004 the premature controversy will become dull. (aka, retarded) Cryme Tyme is here and the IWC is just going to have to learn to have a sense of humor. (Preferably a black sense of humor.) And that's the word. FOXX NEWS: Did you know that the phrase, “It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye”, comes from Ancient Rome? In wrestling matches, the only way to be disqualified from a match was to gouge your opponent's eye, while everything else was fair game. Granted, steel folding chairs hadn't been invented yet. You know, as a wrestling columnist and role-model for the IWC, I find myself being asked on more than one occasion to put my proverbial money where my proverbial mouth is. “If you're so smart, what would you do?” Well boys and girls, I am so smart and here's a few wrestling riddles and what I would do to solve them.  Steve Irwin's Death - A couple of week's ago, WWE apparently got in a little bit of hot water over an off-the-cuff comment Matt Striker made during his promo on ECW. Nipping it in the bud, Vince McMahon issued a public apology for the “stingray” remark. The question is though, did Vince really need to apologize? What would I do? First of all, I wouldn't have apologized. Norm MacDonald was right about Steve Irwin – 44 years old is a ripe old age for a crocodile hunter. And since Steve Irwin was a laughing stock throughout his professional career, why not just continue with that trend. Hell, Vince should have gone that one step further... ... Re-sign Australian native, Nathan Jones, and debut him under the moniker of “Stingray”. When that California girl lost her arm or leg, or whatever limb it was, to that shark a couple of years ago I didn't hear anyone putting up a fuss over professional wrestler Shark Boy and his antagonistic mocking of shark attacks by biting his opponents. Nathan Jones' new finisher could also be the Impaler DDT. Tell me that isn't a money making scheme right there. I dare you. Kanyon & WWE - Former WWE Superstar, Kanyon, has been trying to grab attention lately with allegations that he was fired because of his openly homosexual lifestyle. Despite the fact that no one really seems able to corroborate Kanyon's homosexuality besides himself, he decided to invade a WWE house show with home-made signs that he brandished for Triple H and HBK during the main event. Security quickly ushered him out of the building and WWE has pretty much ignored everything that Kanyon has had to say. What would I do? Well, even though the guy was a less than spectacular guy on the microphone, he was tolerable in the ring. His serenade to the Undertaker years ago and subsequent ass-beating are evidence enough of that. And by ass-beating, I literally mean he got his ass beat... none of that cute sexual innuendo. With that in mind, I'd turn this into cash and re-sign Kanyon and turn the whole “Is he gay?” thing into an angle. But why stop there? I'd go that one step further... ... Give him a manager that is a man' man - Pat Patterson. Reportedly, you won't find a more friendlier wrestler in the locker room than the first Intercontinental champion. Word has it that he will practically bend over backwards to help the younger guys develop their skills both in and out of the ring. With the latent homosexuality of Kanyon's character and the old fashioned poster boy for manhood that is Patterson, you have the perfect tandem. Patterson could even do all the mic work that Kanyon sadly lacks. Word has it that Patterson was pretty good on the stick back in his day. The Great Khali & Pop Music – There hasn't been any sign of Khali since his Last Man Standing Match with the Undertaker, but word has it that he's about to debut in a music video. Suresh Sharma, an Indian pop singer, has recruited to star in the title music video for his latest album. Sharma was quoted as saying, “The title song will feature the wrestling feats of the Great Khali.” Mainstream media exposure is just the kind of thing that WWE is looking for, even if the mainstream isn't on the other side of the globe. What would I do? Get Khali back on American soil and in his wrestling gear. Pronto. With some minor alterations to his character, he could become rejuvenated in WWE with a new push and a new look. Now I'm not sure what kind of music this Suresh guy sings, but if it's anything like that Bollywood stuff that I see on the weekends as I'm flipping between football games then I'm sure he's incredibly talented and has a keen eye for talent. With a musical connection to Khali now, WWE can really get the creative juices flowing with this guy instead of relying on the standard fare of unbeatable monster. But why stop there? I'd go that one step further... ... DJ Khali has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? You wouldn't expect it in a million years, but that's WWE forte – doing things that seem completely inane on the surface and show no signs of forethought. Admittedly Khali wasn't exactly electrifying on the microphone, but set his ramblings to music and that's a whole different story. A rapping and dancing Khali could get even more over than when 2004 breakout star, Kenzuke Sasaki, starting singing and dancing in the ring. Add in a supporting role for Daivari with a rave character, twirling glow sticks, and you've got the next John Cena. FOXX NEWS: Missy Hyatt once worked for a few months in WWE back in 1983 doing “Piper's Pit” type segments. Ironically enough, her career in the sports-entertainment giant was short-lived after WWE realized that talking wasn't the most adept ability she was able to perform with her mouth. I suppose it's time I get around to reviewing WWE's super-stacked PPV, Unforgiven. It would seem only right given my inclusion of the PPV's name into the title of my column. I certainly wouldn't want to mislead my readers in any way. Now, admittedly, I didn't order this month's PPV. That doesn't mean that I can't chime in with my opinions on the show however. Jeff Hardy vs Johnny Nitro – Back in the old days, guys the size of Hardy and Nitro would be jerking the curtain and given no consideration at all. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Kudos to WWE for at least making this bout surrounding the Intercontinental title to give it a little more luster. This match was every fifteen year old girl's dream match, I assume. And that's an untapped demographic that Vince should be going after more often. Nitro retained the title with the aid of Melina and her boot. If that had Snitsky on the receiving end of that shot, he may have said, “Thank you, may I have another?” - Thumbs Up Kane vs Umaga – This ended with a double count-out and with good reason... leave the fans wanting more. Where Smackdown had their classic battle of the monsters with Undertaker and Khali, so does Raw get their own Mothra to Smackdown's Rodan with Kane and Umaga. Who knew I could pop so loudly for a taped thumb? RIP Terry Gordy. - Taped Thumbs Up The Highlanders vs The Spirit Squad – Not since the days of the Bodydonnas and the Smokin' Gunns have I been so excited about tag-team wrestling. This feud is going places and I'm anxiously awaiting the rematch now knowing that the Squad retained the titles. The match could have used Roddy Piper making an appearance of someone else in a dress, maybe Vito, but still good stuff. - Manly Thumbs Up D-X vs The Big Show & The McMahons – I don't know why people are getting tired of this feud. There's so many questions left unanswered. I'm not entirely sure what those questions are besides the usual “Where's X-Pac?”, but there are unanswered questions just the same. This will probably go down as the best Hell In A Cell since Kennel In A Cell (one of my all-time favorite matches). They even found time to fit in a “Kiss My Ass Club” segment in the middle of the match. Ingenious. - Bottoms Up and Thumbs Up Trish Stratus vs Lita – Trish Stratus taking her eye candy away from my television makes Baby Jesus cry, but at least she went out with a bang. Give credit where credit is due too, as Lita put on a great performance despite her waining abilities and child-bearing hips. A bit of a stinging reminder to Bret Hart as well, with the Sharpshooter finish... but if you listen to Kanyon these days, Bret says that whole Montreal thing was a work anyway. Trish goes out on top, and whether it's top or bottom, she's still solid gold. - 2 Sexy Thumbs Up Carlito vs Randy Orton – I've come to realize that Randy Orton has become somewhat of a role-model for the up-and-comers of WWE's younger generation. He sets a standard in professional behavior that is arguably unparalleled. It seems that the man can do no wrong, as his continual pushes never show any signs of slowing down. Critics and peers can hate on the man all they like with rumors of sexual harassment towards women, drug abuse, and an overall poor attitude towards his co-workers... but is there any arguing that the guy must be doing something right to get such high profile attention, including going over Carlito tonight in a clean victory, despite the onslaught of bad press that the man receives. - One Middle Finger & Two Thumbs Up John Cena vs Edge – In a flagrant attempt to steal the show from the Hell In A Cell Match, Cena and Edge stopped at nothing it seems to give the crowd their money's worth. To no surprise, Canadians booed Cena out of the building in an ongoing campaign of disregarding WWE convention and bucking storylines to make it appear as if they're unique. Shameful on Toronto's part. Canadians not withstanding, the match seems to be the match of the night and a nice rub in their nose was having Cena walk away with the WWE title once again. - Two Very American Thumbs Up Overall Thoughts – I instantly regret not ordering this PPV. Damn my penny pinching habits, but I continue to save money for that road trip to Texas to aid the Minute Men in building that borderline fence. I'm starting to think a fence across the Canadian/US border might not be a bad idea either. With Unforgiven in the can, the countdown is on until No Mercy arrives with a stellar showing as always. Well, that about wraps it up for this week. If you've got a comment you'd like to share, or a scenario for WWBFD?, or some other question that you'd like answered then feel free to contact me at bossfoxx@gmail.com. Be sure to join me next week when I take a look at what TNA likes to pass off as PPV material with “No Surrender”. Until then, however, I'll leave you with one more piece of eye candy, so here it is... your moment of Zen.  Oxygen Magazine's #1 Covergirl *NEW GALLERY* Must See New and Rare Photos of NATALYA NEIDHART!
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