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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, September 9, 2006 at 10:13 PM EST
Welcome back everybody to the column that gets massive pops yet sells no merchandise, The Nosebleed Section. I am your main event heel Randomguy#5 and I’d much rather be the companies top face-unfortunately I’m not a draw and everybody hates me. Suck. I had major plans of recording an episode of Monday Night Countdown this afternoon but it turns out I had a few minutes to kill off waiting for Morph to recover from yet another long night of karaoking bad music and drinking, so I figured I’d take the opportunity to do something I don’t get to do nearly often enough any more and write you all a little column today. As a side note the word “karoking” apparently does not exist as per Microsoft Works and its little red squiggly line. I’m intrigued by this and pondering how to correctly spell the word that would signify “the act of singing karaoke” or if such a word even exists. Oh well. Ponder. --TNA has officially baffled me. They are the most inconsistent thing (perhaps outside of me) in the world of professional wrestling. How they can one day look so fantastic and the next day look so damned boring is beyond me. At least the WWE maintains a steady balance of quality and suck, with the ratio never really varying too terribly far from the norm. TNA, however, has turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Suck with its weekly programs. I cannot for the life of me determine the point of taking Joe off television, and I can only assume it’s the old “creative has nothing for you” type of thing. Hopefully, its just a short-term situation until he’s the one to dethrone Jarrett. Cage has been fantastic, Sting sucks, their tag-team situations have been gold, yet Abyss/Runt is ass-tacular. In my opinion the company lacks a real identity and its just sort of flowing along. I’m not sure what they view their primary target audience as. It’s difficult to sell any product if you don’t know who you’re selling it to, and right now they’re not after the die-hard wrestling fans (IWC as they’re sometimes called) or they’d be pushing Joe and Lethal, they’re not pushing towards a younger audience as there’s just not enough masked guys doing crazy shit or over the top gimmicks (plus if they’re after a children’s demographic, their timeslot sucks for it) and I don’t think they’re after the WWE fan base or they’d have kept the belt on Cage longer, tried harder to keep Hardy around, and thrown the necessary money at Jericho and/or Goldberg. I can’t even imagine anymore that they’re “trying to create their own identity” or they wouldn’t have de-pushed the X-Division, AJ Styles, Joe, and Christopher Daniels. Simply Baffling. --ECW is turning into a fairly entertaining hour of television. I’m a huge fan of the Kevin Thorn/Arial combo, CM Punk’s character may have more legs then I initially thought (plus he can wrestle) and Mike Knox, Test, Balls Mahoney and some of the other role players are all filling out quite well. Stryker is absolute gold on a mic and his feud with Sandman should really be something. The main event situation worries me, simply because I’m sick of Big Show and Raw involvement, but if/when the belt ends up on RVD and he ends up in a feud with Sabu, (hopefully sending Show elsewhere, back to Dreamer maybe?) then I think the program will really be in good shape. --Smackdown sucks more cock than a MILF Hunter Ho. --You know, I’m always one of the ones to speculate on wrestlers personal issues or drug problems, and I probably shouldn’t. I understand that, and I’ve said time and time again that we as a fan base know jack shit about what really goes on in the lives of performers or even how the business operates. That being said, if anybody out there honestly believes that Chris Masters wasn’t suspended for steroids than you need to have your head examined. His look sucks as now, his move set doesn’t fit the character which is also awful, and is in need of major overhaul. If Mr. Masters himself has an issue with people’s speculating that he was on steroids, I would suggest that he not make it so goddamn easy for us view it that way. Being inflated like a balloon, taking months off, and coming back looking like you belong in TNA’s X-Division will lead anybody who can think for themselves to such conclusions. Life, like shit, happens. Is it just me, or is there a bad case of “real world” running amuck lately in the world of professional wrestling? The “really real world” (credit-some gas station clerk in Texas) as its sometimes called, seems to be rearing its ugly head and blinding the view of the sports-entertainment, both from a fans and performers point of view. For those of you who may be unclear on what I’m speaking of at the moment allow me to clarify. The “real world” as we columnists often refer to it quite simply means all that shit in life that is required, the things that prevent us from doing what we love in life. More often than not we’re talking about watching or writing about wrestling, but I expand that term to include shit that effects the hobbies and “fun” aspects of life. A good friend of mine loves his Internet Radio station, but due to time and financial concerns he may be forced to give both up. Money = Number One virus in the plague of real world. Of course money may lead the charge, but its not the only bitch of the real world that stands in the way of life being all fun. Work, with its direct correlation to money, is often a problem as well. I blame this for my lack of free time, and thus columns, of late. Twelve hour days don’t leave much energy for watching wrestling (I’ve fallen asleep through more episodes than I’ve finished the last two weeks) much less writing columns about it after the fact. I’m not making excuses mind you, making excuses would imply that what I’m telling you is fabricated for the sake of saving some face in front of people I will never meet. No, I’m simply telling you a fact. People have financial woes and it sucks. People work too much, particularly in the United States. Health concerns amongst oneself or ones family blow more ass than any of the aforementioned ills of the real world. I wish I could tell you guys “hey sorry, I just don’t have time to write the ‘Bleeder any because I spend so much time working on my own site, practicing bass guitar and playing online poker.” Sadly, that’s just not the case. I’m fairly certain Xan would love to dedicate his life to wrestling commentary, and I’d wager Wevv Mang would jump at a chance to join WWE’s creative staff and write wrestling storylines for the rest of his days. I’ve never spoken with him about it, but I’d wager Tito would love to write wrestling columns for a living. Unfortunately, the market for such is more than a little flooded, and there aren’t many people shelling out cash for us poor columnists. (Though if you’re willing, my email address can be found below) I’m kidding Calvin. Unless somebody’s actually paying well that is. Sadly, we wrestling columnists aren’t the only ones effected by the afflictions of real world. As I’ve noted in previous columns, the wrestling industry is unlike any other in the world, in that while it is indeed entertainment it is a compelling hybrid of reality and fiction and we’re seeing that even more in recent weeks. The involvement of Vicki Guerrero has nauseated many a fan, myself included, as her involvement continuously reminds us of her deceased husband and forces us to ponder just why it is that she’s involved. Is it financial? It’s an unfortunate circumstance, but some have speculated that Vicki, raising daughters without the income of her deceased husband, has been brought in by the WWE because she simply needs to continue to raise a family. If this is the case, give the WWE credit for finding a home for her in an unfortunate circumstance, but that doesn’t ease the pain if she truly is uncomfortable with the way storylines have proceeded. If this is helping her in some way, then god bless her and the WWE. If this is exploiting her tragic circumstances, then fuck all involved -not to mention its not something I’m particularly keen on watching anyway. And then of course there is the intriguing story of Kurt Angle. Longtime followers of the wrestling industry have noted for years that Angle was turning into something of a medical marvel, routinely one of the WWE’s top performers despite a body that was held together by duck tape and chewing gum. It is reportedly these injuries that led to a reported dependence on pain killers. Now, lets not blow this out of proportion. Yes, pain killers can be addicting and yes, it’s illegal depending on the circumstances and the particular drugs. The effects of such afflictions can be detrimental sure. But this isn’t heroin. Famed Green Bay Packers quarterback and future Hall of Famer Brett Farve overcame a very public dependence on pain killers to rebound and continue a Hall of Fame career. Other rumors have Kurt having been suspended before for these addictions, and still further speculation has been made about his personal life, with some stating he’s going through custody battles or divorce. I’m not sure on those topics and I’ve gotten some mixed reports either way so I won’t pretend to know the truth. Even beyond that, I don’t much care for these sorts of discussions anyway as celebrity hero worship has never really been my cup of tea. Still, it’s a shame to know that somebody who we as fans feel a connection with, no matter how false that connection may in reality be, struggles with the same sorts of issues that prevent us from truly enjoying life. Or is it? Perhaps the real life struggles and issues that so many professional wrestlers face is a contributing factor to why we as fans feel such a genuine connection to wrestlers. I’ve mentioned in the forums and on the latest episode of Monday Night Countdown, that while its easy for many people, myself included, to poke fun at “The Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin and the manner in which he died (stabbed in the heart by a Stingray) many of us remember the way we felt when Eddie died and the mainstream media poked fun or made snide comments. We can’t help but feel a sense of attachment to Mick Foley or Jake “The Snake” Roberts after watching documentaries of their personal lives; Mick’s struggles with balancing family and work and Jake’s issues with drug use. I firmly believe that the appeal and drawing power, the overall cult-like following of Brett Hart nowadays has less to do with his performances as a wrestler and much, much more to do with his fans feeling a since of compassion toward him both for the Montreal Screw Job and the manner in which his career ended due to Post Concussion Syndrome. The “Real World” could even be blamed for The Miz. It’s a shame really. Work, health, school, money-all of these things hamper us and weigh us down. In case you’re wondering, yeah, maybe I am just lazy. I’m sure there’s several of you reading this who are busy professionals and get on your trains or sit in your traffic every morning and are perfectly happy in your lives. Its something I’ve grown accustomed to. I tell people that life isn’t supposed to be about work and money and all the unpleasant bullshit that comes with breathing. Life’s supposed to be about fun, self-enrichment, family and friends. My old college roommate, whom some of you know as “Roomate Shropy” told me recently about his new wife turning down the opportunity to go out with friends. Why would she do such a thing? Because her friends wanted to go out on a Monday night, and since the two have been married, the once skeptical girlfriend/fiancé has been transformed into a full fledged wrestling fan. That marriage will work, folks. The girl’s got her priorities strait. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch I am pro-Matt Stryker. His mic work is exceptional, his gimmick is so damn condescending that he just makes you loath him and he does it with dictionary selling words like “verisimilitude”. Which by the way, if you’re curious: Ver~i~si~mil~I~tude - Pronunciation[ver-uh-si-mil-i-tood, -tyood] –noun 1. the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability: The play lacked verisimilitude. 2. something, as an assertion, having merely the appearance of truth. [Origin: 1595–1605; < L verisimilitudo, equiv. to veri (gen. sing. of verum truth) + similitudo similitude] Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1) Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006. God bless Matt Stryker. Cannon Fodder Holy Jobbing Masterpiece, batman! Chris “The Fodder” Masters took a lose last week at the hands of the insane Luchador, Super Crazy. Crazy is starting to look a little bit like a plumber in spandex, what with the goofy hair and portly mid-section, and that is just the first reason he has no business on Raw. I guess Raw is just short on jobbers, because there’s no logical reason for Crazy to be there, and Masters appears lined up for some gimmick alteration after the Masterpiece was shattered and lost sixty pounds due to an “unnamed” violation of the Talent Wellness program. Something’s even I can’t figure out. Cheap Pop Well I know many of you are very charitable people so allow me if I may to beg of you noble spirits to show a bit of charity towards an Lop Main page dropout. YourAytollah has returned with his columnAll About The Game and I’m sure he’d appreciate hearing from you from his new position down in the Lop Columns Forum. He’s made yet another comeback and supposedly this one is “for real” so if you’ve got a spare ten minutes and feel like helping those less fortunate yet than you shoot down and check out Steve’s latest offering, a column about finding your ‘inner mark’ and how we all need to get back to the basics of wrestling fandom now and then. Give the column a read and then humor the damaged little Texan with some feedback, The Random One commands it. And thus ends another painful ascent to the scaffolds of the poor wrestling fans. Here’s hoping your latest climb didn’t suck and that you enjoyed this column more than the last edition of Enter the Dream Realm (I’m sure you did). I’ll be working tomorrow on a little something for The Project regarding the 5-Year Anniversary of 9/11 that will hopefully be worth your read. The NFL season kicks off and I’ll hopefully be doing some podcast type things for that as my schedule is starting to settle down a bit. Of course you can also check out some more wrestling opinion from me on “Monday Night Countdown” with Lop’s own Morpheus as spew opinion on the top wrestling stories from the week on the Internet’s premier wrestling Podcast, available right here on Lordsofpain.net. In the next week or two (probably after Unforgiven) I’ll be back at you with the 3rd Quarter Title Report examining the title situations for Raw, SD, Impact, and for the first time ECW. That’s sometime in the next two weeks or so though, and for now I bid thee farewell. Drop me some feedback if you should feel so compelled and as always thank you for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit TheProjectLives.com and check out some great creative writing, social commentary, music downloads and pod casting including some familiar names you may recognize from Lop. Do some writing yourself? Jump in and give it a shot! Know somebody else who’d be better? Spread the word!  Free internet radio station ran by yours truly featuring all the best in hard rock and mainstream metal. If it seems like anything you’d be interested in listening to, give it a spin while you’re reading through some columns on Lop or The Project.  Hi-Fi Edition Low-Fi Edition --Hi-Fi Editions are slightly larger files and take longer to download but are better audio quality. Low-Fi are more dial-up user friendly. *NEW GALLERY* Very CONTROVERSIAL Shots of Randy Orton in His Hotel Room!!
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