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Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, August 20, 2006 at 4:39 AM EST
 Hello, heroes. So glad you join me this week. Man, I am pumped. Are you pumped? My blood pressure must be through the roof. Why, you might ask? Well, despite my doctor's insistence that it's due to stress and too much red meat in my diet, I am pumped for SummerSlam. WOOO! It's the biggest Pay-Per-View of the year... next to WrestleMania... and maybe Royal Rumble... arguably One Night Stand as well. That was a good show. But SummerSlam ranks up there, boys and girls. It's the hottest ticket of the summer. So long as you confine the criteria to wrestling events which occur during the month of August. Anyway... The line-up for the show is really stacked this year, as all the titles are on the line for this one. Except the Intercontinental Title, WWE Tag-Team Titles, World Tag-Team Titles, WWE Women's Title, WWE Cruiserweight Title, and United States Title. Aside from those though, all the titles are on the line. With a card like this one, it really validates the increased cost in ordering a PPV nowadays. I mean, sure, there's going to be the odd person out there that drinks their Haterade and whines about how WWE keeps rising ticket and PPV prices without any justifiable reason like increased quality in presentation, but those folks just don't see the big picture. I really feel I get my money's worth when I watch a WWE show, as opposed to one of those TNA shows that Orlando schills out once a month. Which brings me to this week's word...  Last weekend I managed to check out TNA's August offering to Pay-Per-View, “Hard Justice”. (Thought it was the title of a skin flick. Flagrant false advertising.) I'll be honest, I just don't see the appeal that some members of the IWC have when it comes to this promotion. (Also doesn't see the appeal of IWC.) After the first ten minutes I thought I had tuned into a public service announcement on fire safety. (The Stinger says, “Only you can prevent forest fires.”) During the opening match between Johnny Devine and Eric Young, there was apparently some kind of malfunction with the pyrotechnics that caused the Impact Zone's ceiling to catch of fire. (Indoor Firework = Cheap heat) Now I'm no expert on how to produce a PPV for a competitive promotion that is trying to give Vince McMahon a run for his money, but I'm pretty sure that lighting the building on fire is counter-productive. (Just ask Great White.) When have you ever seen WWE have technical difficulties with what goes on in the arena's rafters? (Just ask Owen Hart.) Now sure, this could be chalked up to a simple isolated incident that doesn't cast any kind of negative light on TNA, but I beg to differ. (Usually begs to defer... payment.) TNA is bush league. (Usually a fan of bush too.) After the demise of WCW, WWE basically got the pick of the litter, leaving all the rejects to form what is now TNA. (They even have the Brother Runt of the litter.) I mean, all you have to do is look at the roster to see that I'm right. (far right) Nearly every wrestler on the roster that is worth noting is either an old veteran from WCW or a cast away from the land of Vince. (... or someone with a shred of pride left.) Their PPV's are a testament to this. There isn't anything at all progressive about TNA, as they are clearly living in the past... and living on a small scale, or as they say, “It's not about weight limits, it's about no limits.” (ECW isn't about weight limits, it's about speed limits.) (WWE isn't about weight limits, it's about steroid limits.) WWE, on the other hand, is a very progressive promotion that is constantly looking forward rather than staying stuck in the past. (They prefer being stuck in the present.) While TNA is stuck on themselves pushing guys like Sting, Raven, and Kevin Nash, WWE is putting money into guys like John Cena and Randy Orton – guys in their 20's. (See also Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Ric Flair, D-X, The McMahon's, Sabu, Batista, and Booker T.) WWE also doesn't waste time with meandering storylines that lead nowhere from month to month. (... or relevant storylines for that matter.) WWE streamlines their PPV's to help fans get the most bang for their buck. (Lately been shooting blanks.) They don't waste time with trivial stuff like cruiserweights and tag-teams. They focus on the big players. (Like near-crippled retired wrestlers.) TNA might have their cozy little niche down in Orlando, but they're going to need to make some drastic changes if they ever want to take a crack at the big-time. (Find a bigger theme park? Disney World?) WWE is running things and that's the way it's going to be for a long, long time. Face it, TNA... WWE is the hot ticket right now. (Luke warm anyway.) And that's the word. Moving on, when it comes to SummerSlam, a lot of columnists are throwing out their predictions on who is going to win and who is going to lose. The trouble is that these pretenders to the throne just haven't got the proper system to figure out just what WWE has planned for tonight's show. Well, Boss Foxx has this show locked up. I've got a foolproof system that will undoubtedly unlock the secrets of the PPV and pick the winners. So without any further ado, I present to you... OutFoxxing SummerSlam. Now to get you acquainted with my system, let me take you through some baby steps of one of the most talked about matches of the show, Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley. Speculation has been running rampant on which man is going to walk away with the win. Surprisingly enough, each man is clambering to lay down for the other quicker than Lita on a road trip. So we start off by looking at the stipulation... I Quit. From there, we go to “You're Fired.” This leads up to Donald Trump. The Don produces the Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Universe to the Masters of the Universe. He-Man was the Master of the Universe. He-Man was played by Dolph Lundgren. Lundgren starred in Rocky IV. Before that was Rocky III. Mr. T starred in Rocky III. Oh my God! Mr. T is going to win the “I Quit” Match! Hey, the system never lies. Let's try another. We've got Rey Mysterio facing off with Chavo Guerrero over the legacy of Eddie Guerrero. We'll start with Eddie. Eddie was one of the Filthy Animals. Animal Crackers. Ritz Crackers. Puttin' on the Ritz. Putting on the green. Green Day. American Idiot. Jessica Simpson. OJ Simpson. Not guilty. Reasonable doubt. No Doubt. Gwen Stefani. Hollaback Girl. “Holla if ya hear me.” Scott Steiner. Holy crap! Big Poppa Pump is going to somehow walk away with the win. Truly amazing. Next we've got Hulk Hogan and Randy Orton squaring off in a match hailed as “Legend vs. Legend Killer”. One of the core reasons for the match is Hulk's daughter, Brooke, so let's start there. Brooke Hogan. Brooks & Dunn. Country & western. Best Western Hotel. Hotel California. The Eagles. Philadelphia Eagles. Donovan McNabb. Campbell's Chunky Soup. Bruce Campbell. Evil Dead. The Dead Man. The Undertaker. I knew it! There had to be a reason why they took Undertaker's match off of the SummerSlam card. I didn't really buy into that whole “Khali is too green to put on PPV again” reason. That guy is money in the bank. One more. Sabu vs. The Big Show. This one's for the ECW Title and it's under Extreme Rules, so let's get cracking. Extreme Rules. Extreme measures. Metric system. French invention. The bikini. Bikini contests. Wet t-shirt contests. Spring Break. Gimme a break. Gimme a Kit-Kat. Cat fight. “Cat fiiight!” Joey Styles' commentary. Color commentary. Tazz. Well, there you have it. Tazz is your next ECW Champion. I know it seems preposterous, but the system works. The system is sound. Never speak ill of the system. Now, I could do my entire column with predictions on what is going to go down at SummerSlam, but I'm a little more ahead of the curve when it comes to column writing. While the rest of the wrestling columnists out there are out there waiting for the show to actually take place before they write their plethora of review columns, I'm going to beat them all to the punch. That's right, citizens. I'm going to pass “Go”, collect $200, and go straight to the review column with the first one to hit the Internet. Boss Foxx Spoils SummerSlam Wow. What a show, folks. I'm absolutely amazed at how great this year's SummerSlam was. I've have to easily rank this as the best Pay-Per-View of the year, bar none. Not a single match on the card disappointed. As was no surprise to me, all my systematic predictions for SummerSlam came true. Mr. T was in remarkably good shape. I didn't even know he could do a moonsault. That was nuts. Starting off, I thought was a bold move to have Edge and John Cena be the opening match. I could have sworn that since they were in Cena's hometown of Boston, they would have saved that match for the main event. Boy was I wrong. That didn't stop those two men from putting on one helluva match, however. John Cena's technical prowess was at an all-time high at SummerSlam, frankly outshining Edge with a style that seemed almost reminiscent of Curt Hennig. If I didn't see it, I wouldn't believe it. And how about that spot Lita did? Wow. How she didn't break something, I'll never know. Even though John Cena got disqualified, ironically enough having no consequence to the stipulation that was added, it was still a great match. Another match that took me by surprise was Batista vs. King Booker for the World Title. Poor Batista. I hope he gets well soon because that bicep tear looked painful as hell. And to happen while shaking the ring ropes only makes it that much more tragic. I've got to give King Booker credit too for selling those punches the way he did considering Batista could hardly lift his arm due to the pain. Booker was practically head butting Batista's fist just to get the strikes over with the crowd. With Batista on the shelf once again, I guess the silver lining is that WWE can pick up the Mark Henry/Batista feud from within a hospital's physical rehab center. I smell ratings. I think the match that stole the show though had to be D-X vs. The McMahon's. The run-ins alone made this match memorable. Spirit Squad, Umaga, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Eugene, Jonathan Coachman, Stephanie McMahon (with baby in tow)... Hell, I lost count of all the run-ins after X-Pac made his triumphant return and got into a cat fight with Stephanie. And despite the never-ending cavalcade of run-ins, the match was the furthest thing from a clusterfuck. Vince McMahon should be proud of what was arguably his best performance to date, with how he in no way appeared awkward or ill-prepared while taking bumps in the ring. This will truly go down as a classic, I'm sure. SummerSlam Summary: 1... WWE Title Match – Edge with Lita vs. John Cena Winner: Edge via disqualification. 2... Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero Winner: Scott Steiner via pinfall over Vickie Guerrero. 3... ECW Title Match – Sabu vs. The Big Show with Paul Heyman Winner: Tazz via submission over Joey Styles. 4... Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Orton Winner: The Undertaker via pinfall over referee Nick Patrick. 5... I Quit Match – Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley Winner: Mr. T when both Ric Flair and Mick Foley simultaneously said “I Quit”. 6... World Title Match – Batista vs. Booker T Winner: Batista via pinfall over Booker T after using Sharmell as a foreign object. 7... D-Generation-X vs. The McMahon's Winners: D-Generation-X via pinfall by X-Pac over Aurora Rose Levesque. Well, that's all she wrote... or I wrote actually for this week's column. Don't bother sending complaint letters about my spoiling the results of SummerSlam for you before you had a chance to watch it. I already read and replied to those e-mails before you had a chance to send them. I'm just that good. Join me next week for another healthy dose of Boss Foxxable goodness. As a parting word, I'd just like to send out a thank you to Canadians for accepting the cease-fire I proposed and stopping the bombardment of hate mail that I'd been receiving. It's the first step on our road map to peace... and subsequent conquering of the north. Your co-operation will not go unrewarded, but until then... ... here it is. Your moment of Zen.  “I pity da fool that don't eat my cereal!”
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