|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by BC on Sunday, August 13, 2006 at 10:24 PM EST
FINAL ELIMINATION Since WrestleMania 22, a war raged between six columnists for the right to call themselves winner of Season Two of The Elimination Chamber. Al Boo Boo was first to go, followed by Morpheus and Undies. Season One Champion Zuma failed to repeat and took home the bronze medal. Tonight, we learn who survived and who came oh-so-close but ended up as the final elimination. Jules, author of Pulp Wrestling, and J-Man, author of J-Man's Train Of Thought, squared off in ten rounds of action, each trying to predict the future. Their ability to do so, combined with your votes, has granted one of them an immortal place as the EC's second conqueror. The other will go down in history for not going down in history as the winner. Here's how the contestants fared... J-Man: Kurt Angle will become the first (new) ECW TV titleholder. Jules: Degeneration X reuniting will not increase interest in the WWE. Instead of claiming a non-existent championship, Angle was pulled off television and sent home to kick a monkey off his back. Sorry, J-Man. Your Olympic hero failed you. As for Jules, he IS awarded points since there's been absolutely no discernable created interest in WWE since DX reformed. Instead, people are already calling the duo, and RAW in general, frightfully stale. J-Man: The D-Generation X reunion will reach new heights as the feud with Vince and Shane McMahon comes to a climax. After this, DX will once again disband, but on good terms. Jules: Smackdown and ECW will part ways. More DX speculation, this time from J-Man. DX didn't yet disband meaning J-Man overshot the target. I could potentially award partial credit due to Triple H's recent absences, but that doesn't constitute the term "disband" which J-Man used. Jules traded off with an ECW prediction that actually hit as this week's Sci-Fi broadcast aired live while SmackDown! was taped alongside RAW. In that, the two clearly did "part ways", at least for a brief period. J-Man: In July, ECW will finally become its own entity and the WWE splodges will be gone. The first major feud when this occurs will be RVD and Sabu. Jules: Mick Foley will return to being a full time wrestler. Judging by this week's ECW main event, Big Show versus Batista, J-Man goes down shooting once more. Van Dam and Sabu's only feud was with the Ohio police and their own "personal demons". Meanwhile, Jules racks up even more of a lead. Foley's in-ring appearance have been sporadic... but he's a WWE worker so that constitues full-time. In WWE, talking is just as strenuous as wrestling, if only for the amount of time one must perform. J-Man: At Victory Road Kevin Nash will beat up Alex Shelley. Jules: The Highlanders will become the next Raw tag team champions. Jay Lethal ducked a running knee by Nash which caught Shelley in the ribs at Victory Road. While the mistake was easily forgiven, it was present enough to award J-Man credit for this round. Jules receives no such luck as the RAW Tag Champions (whose identities I honestly don't remember and don't care to look up) continued their iron grip on the gold. Unless The Highlanders won it. I haven't watched RAW in ages. Jules loses points anyway, just to keep things competitive. J-Man: On an episode of TNA: Impact!, Samoa Joe will lose the X-Division title to Senshi. Jules: Christian Cage will drop the NWA title. The contestants target TNA and both come up big. Both predictions were executed to total accuracy. Senshi became X-Division Champion by pinning Sonjay Dutt to win a three-way dance while Christian Cage became the third consecutive champion to fall off the mountain and the second to do so to Jeff Jarrett. J-Man: Team 3-D will become the NWA Tag Team Champions at Victory Road. Jules: The movie entitled ‘Nacho Libre’ will be the final nail in the coffin of Jack Black’s career. J-Man went for TNA again... and came up short again. Amidst rumors of a return to WWE, Team 3D has stepped out of the spotlight in TNA, leaving behind Brother Runt to represent in their stead. Jules offered a Hollywood prediction. I didn't see Nacho Libre and don't know anyone who did, but I haven't seen Jack Black do a movie since. That has to mean something, right? J-Man: Sting will become the next NWA World Heavyweight Champion in what will most likely be the last title run of Steve Borden’s career. Jules: The Sandman will fail a WWE drug test. Sting won a shot, but TNA's bait-and-switch tactic at Victory Road cost J-Man his big chance to jump back into the competition. If Sting wins at Hard Justice, I'm sure a certain anorexic young Brit will be kicking himself... or somebody else. The Queen? She still alive? Jules gets points because everybody in WWE is on drugs and Sandman's obviously no exception. He didn't necessarily fail a test... but he failed my test. Jules gets points. J-Man: Booker T will become the new World Heavyweight Champion at the Great American Bash. Jules: The UFC will sign Brock Lesnar. J-Man's prediction seems on the up and up... but unfortunately WWE officially changed Booker T's name to "King Booker" making his statement false. Tough luck, champ. Jules went way out there and suggested Lesnar would move to American mixed martial arts. He left Japan... which is surely what Jules meant. Jules gets the points. J-Man: BREAKING NEWS: Marty “The Bogeyman” Wright released by WWE. Jules: Mark Henry shall become the World Heavyweight Champion. Though injured, Boogeyman still has a WWE contract. He was featured in the incredibly uninspired SummerSlam commercial. Seriously, it wasn't that long ago that Brock was F-5ing a damn shark! Jules, on the other hand, suggested Mark Henry would become World Heavyweight Champion. Well, LOP doesn't regularly cover this kind of thing, but after his injury, Henry joined an online poker tournament... and won. A WORLDwide competition... allowing all weights, including HEAVYWEIGHTs... to compete for a CHAMPIONship? That's enough for me. Hold on a second. Why would J-Man suggest Boogeyman get released? In his entry, J-Man called him a "talentless worm-eating-to-be-noticed loser". You can't fool me. You hate him because he's black! J-Man incurs the full weight of Round 9's racism penalty and loses nine points. J-Man: Also at the G.A.B, Batista will make his big match return to face the human-injuring machine, Mark Henry. Jules: Scott Steiner will be no more. Wrong, J-Man! It was Ken Kennedy, not Mark Henry. You weren't even close. As for Jules... he didn't finish. His complete entry stated "Scott Steiner will be no more... than 70 years old." He's not. In fact, he just celebrated his 44th birthday, a whole 26 years off. That's definitely not more than 70 by a large margin. I can't in good conscience allow an answer that correct to go without awarding a bonus point or two. Or 26! Why not? J-Man received a staggering 143 votes to be eliminated. When subtracted from his pitiful score of zero, that equals a final tally of -143. Jules' 220 votes subtracted from his score equals... -143 also! BY GAWD, IT'S A TIE! Who on Earth could have predicted it'd come sooo close?! I suppose as contest creator and composer, it would be duty to break all ties, wouldn't it? According to the official Elimination Chamber handbook, that's exactly what the rules state. I can't just leave such an important and crucial decision up to a coin flip, so... Eenie, meenie, miney... Readers, the winner of The Elimination Chamber 2 is Jules. Congratulations. For your efforts, your words will be posted alongside mine in a future edition of Volume One. On top of that, you win an automatic spot in Season Three of The Elimination Chamber. Can Jules make it two in a row? I think he can... and since I'm in charge, that's all that really matters, isn't it? "LOL". FAN ON FAN ON A FANON Before you ask why, please realize something... BC didn't screw J-Man. J-Man screwed J-Man! How? Simple. J-Man is what is known in the Internet Wrestling Community as a "smark". I'm sure you've heard of them. The IWC's crawling with them. Hell, you yourself might be one. I might too. It's not that hard to tell though. "Smark" is what is called a portmanteau word, meaning it's origin derives from combining two words and their definitions. The word "smog" is a good example... but a bad thing. Don't pollute! Anyway, the words in this instance are "smart" and "mark", making a smark ... stay with me here, because this is tricky... a "smart mark". Mark isn't used here to denote a man's name. It's a wrestling industry term for a fan. Likewise, smart doesn't refer to intelligence, but rather one's knowledge of the inner workings of the business. Ergo (fun word, try it at your next social gathering), a smart mark is by definition a fan with knowledge of the inner working of the business. Right? Got it? Pretty simple, huh? That why it baffles me that so many people get it wrong. Let's start by correcting mark. A mark isn't a fan. A fan is a fan. Mark, as is used in the wrestling industry, is a potential customer. It stems from the carnival world, as does wrestling itself. Yes, I'm sorry to break it to you Kurt Angle mar... er, fans, but the bearded lady has more in common with the average WWE superstar than does the standard NCAA wrestler. To limit the term "mark" to refer to wrestling fans is a horrible misuse of the term. Mark refers to everyone who watches RAW on Monday nights... and everyone who doesn't as well. Mark isn't a state of being, it's a station in life. As long as there is a possibility you will buy a ticket, you are a mark. Whether you do so or not doesn't change a thing. Similarly, smart is also misused on a wide-scale. Smart refers to knowledge of the inner workings of the business. The keyword being "inner". Did you know wrestling is fake? If so, congratulations! You're over the age of 10! There's more to it than that, though. Anyone can watch a lady "getting sawed in half" and reason that it's not what is really happening, but it takes another kind of education to learn the "inner workings" of the trick. The "how". However, like mark, many limit the scope of the term smart to only refer to knowledge. There's a completely different element as well. Trust. Those deemed smart don't just acquire knowledge. They are trusted to keep that knowledge within the circle of those also deemed smart. It's no secret that circle of trust has decayed, especially thanks to the advent of the internet. Wait. What? The internet? The internet destroyed the "circle of trust"? Yes. That malicious entity known as the "web" callously and deliberately shattered the very fabric by which the circle of trust was forged. Accursed! Vil! Uggggh! This is what the WWE would have you believe. The truth is the internet does have no morals. The half a million ads for pornography and penis pills (they don't really work by the way) out there proves that. However, despite having no morals, it also has no malice. It's not a living entity. It's just... information. Pure, sweet, simple information. The internet never stole anyone's identity. The internet never destroyed anyone's credit. Those who use it, and use it to apply malice that they carry... that's a different story. The 'net itself though, that's just a tool. When someone is murdered, the gun doesn't go to jail. The bullet doesn't go to jail. The shooter goes to jail. And... tangent over. Back to "smarks". To review: smarks aren't fans with knowledge about the business. Smarks are potential fans with intimate knowledge about the business who are trusted to keep that knowledge on a need-to-know basis. Huh? What's what a smark is? Well... that makes no sense. Why would a wrestling company trust crucial details to a potential customer? Why would anyone with that degree of knowledge buy a ticket? There has to be something missing in this equation. Either that or I'm just lost. I'm not lost. Why? Because smarks, by very definition, do not and can not exist. It's not even an oxymoron. I mean, there's such a thing as a "tall midget". But a "smart mark"? Wouldn't when a mark (potential customer) gets drawn into the circle and labeled smart thus... no longer be a mark? This is the current dilemma in WWE. Last year, as he was riding high as SmackDown!'s top babyface, John Cena was drafted over to RAW with the WWE Championship. Of course, WWE assumed that coming from a show that averages less than half the viewers RAW does, there'd be no need to fully introduce him to an audience that, based solely on numbers, contains a healthy percentage of people that only follow the product through RAW. After an underwhelming debut feud in which he trounced the popular Chris Jericho to the point of overkill, he was transitioned into a feud with Kurt Angle, an incredibly popular heel who usually generates an equal mix of face and heel heat. The feud saw Angle trounce Cena through a series of technical exchanges that had Cena totally out of his element, making him look totally inept. Simultaneously, Cena's rap-style promos, a large factor in the initial appeal he reached in 2004, were all but wiped clean from the program. Between a poor kickoff, a push that was the very definition of overkill, appearing lost next to an opponent that seemed incapable of not absolutely guzzling him and the eradication of the very element which drew fans to him in the first place... lo and behold, John Cena started getting booed. Why? THAT DAMNED INTERNET! Oh, it and it's controversial... ness! And the smarks! Can't forget them! They pulled the trigger on the weapon that was... the internet... gun. Knife? Was it a knife? Uh... hold on. I promise this makes sense. Shit, what was it Jim Ross said? Controversial... something? That opened the floodgates. God, and how easy it was too. Blame the smarks. John Cena's losing steam? Blame the smarks. ECW's failing to connect with it's original audience? Blame the smarks. SmackDown!'s rating are down? Blame the smarks. And the internet. That's a two-fer. It's even translated over to the fans. Try criticizing WWE, or even praising anything else and not being slapped with the ugly "S" word. I've tried it and I don't think it's possible. It's too easy a line to toss out to invalidate somebody opinion. You don't dislike what I like because it's not your taste. You're a smark. Hiss! Hell, I've done it too. On more than one occasion when I've been confronted with the "Kurt Angle/C.M. Punk/insert wrestle here is the best ever", I've thrown out a comment akin to "You'd eat shit off a plate if Meltzer told you it tasted good." Even I can't stand these smark motherfuckers. If we had any sense, we'd all band together, find these guys and rid the world of them. In fact... let's do it! Done! As much as I hate them, they still don't exist. Which is blaming them for everything is so easy and feels so good. They'll never take up and defend themselves. They'll just slink away and we can all sit smug and go "Boy, I'm glad I'm not one of those." Sure, you might get accused of it, but deep in your heart, you know the truth. You're not a smark. You're not at fault. Just to clarify: knowing that The Undertaker's real name is Mark doesn't make you smart. It makes you a mark knowledgeable of trivia. Knowing that DX is going to reunite doesn't make you smart. It makes you a mark perceptive to the clues WWE laced into it's shows. Knowing that WWE is plagued with repercussions due to the enactment of the "wellness program" doesn't make you smart. It makes you a mark educated to the news generated thanks to the death and/or dying of kayfabe. All of it means you are still, and until you are made otherwise, a mark. There's beauty in that. There's nobility in that. Marks, good, bad or indifferent, are what stimulates the cycle by which the wrestling industry exists. Mark isn't a dirty word. It doesn't make you "dumb". It just makes you more adept at buying tickets than selling them. It might not be as lucrative as being "smart", but that depends on what you place your values in. Besides, who gets into the wrestling business purely to make money anyway? Probably the same smart people breaking the circle of trust and creating the whole ideology of "smark" anyway, the people transmitting the classified information to the marks in the first place, granting them the illusion of smartness. Not marks who merely pass along the information, having no real way to know this is content not meant for them and not meant to be shared. Not them. I mean "the source". I mean the initial leaks, the ones breaking the code. Those are the people to blame for it all. Of course, WWE can't blame them. They are them. Curse the people who know your tricks before it's time... but be sure not to curse those that told. Don't condemn the employees passing off explicit details to internet reporters who have absolutely no reason to be trusted with it... but don't forget to demean and threaten those same reporters for violating a trust they never agreed to. Try not to point the finger at the writing team and their long, illustrious history of predictability... but ignore all the give-away plotholes and always sell everything for sheer shock value. Never admonish a worker for delivering a stale and uninspired performance... but fuck those idiots chanting "Change the channel!" In short, do the cool thing. Blame a smark. It sure as hell beats personal accountability. Oh, and I was just kidding. J-Man really won. Congratulations. I was kidding about the penis pills too. I've never tried them. Honest. A INTERACTIVE SNEAK-PEEK! Keeping in LOP's theme to attract more attention to the super cool and very snazzy forums, tonight I offer you a chance to decide the cast for Season Three of The Elimination Chamber... provided you are indeed a member of the forums. Ah! The catch! ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! Suggested by fellow columnist Mike From Jersey, or as I call him "MFJ" (pronounced "mmmm... fudge!"), tonight we travel back to 1996. It was a simpler time, when the men were men and the women were not. (OMG, flashback~!) Shawn Michaels was six months into his now-ailing WWF Title run while Mankind (Mick Foley) was four months into his WWF career as well as a heated feud with The Undertaker. It came to be, through 'Kind's new manager, Paul Bearer, that these two battled over the gold at In Your House #10: Mind Games. Caught up? Cool. Prepare for take-off. Destination: Philadelphia, September 22nd, 1996... WWF IN YOUR HOUSE: MIND GAMES WWF Title Match: Shawn Michaels (w/ Jose Lothario) defends vs. Mankind (w/ Paul Bearer & Urn) - Let the (mind) games begins. - Mankind enters in a casket, carted out by a whole mess of druids. Very psychological...? - Jim Ross (also early in his career) mentions that as WWF Champion, Mankind would be difficult to market. Guess that's why that book of his never sold. He was jinxed! - JESUS H! I had to turn down the volume! High-pitched girlish squeals as Shawn's music hit. My dog is now deaf. - Okay, it was me. Sorry, Max. - Shawn is out with Jose "Super Sock" Lothario. I think the impetus behind this feud... over socks? I don't actually know. - Shawn gets the "sorry, Nitro hired all the good pyro technicians" pyro in the ring, then some additional overhead. The entrances in this match are top-notch. - Jose offers HBK some last-minute advice, which likely consists of "Train somebody reeeeally good so someday, when they become World Champion, they can haul you in for a free PPV pay-day." - I really don't know what other advice he could realistically offer. - Bell. - Foley takes HBK down and stomps away. He's no Bret Hart with them punches, Kid. - What am I saying? HBK just beat VADER! What the fuck is Cactus Jack going to do to him? - Answered by McMahon: "Baaaaaaack Body Drop!" Hold that note, Vinny! - The Cactus clothesline sends both guys spilling out to the floor. - Shawn takes a nasty bump back first into the corner of the guard rail. This is before they were plastic. Ouchers! - 'Kind peels up the mat... but HBK dropkicks him! Foley's down on the bare concrete and trapped underneath the mat. - HBK busts out a few flying double stomps on the amorphous blue blob. It's not unlike the old Whopper Hopper at Burger King. Very bouncy. - HBK climbs up top for a sky twister press onto the bare concrete! Even if you haven't seen this match, you've seen that clip I bet. - Side-note: Shouldn't they have been counted-out by now? It's been like two minutes. - HBK smashes Foley's head into the concrete from off the apron, then tosses him back into the ring. - HBK comes off top with a double axe handle that looks weak as hell. 'Kind still sells the sweet shit out of it though. - Irish whip, reversed, catch a kick, spin around, duck a punch, jab, jab, jab, clothesline. Foley's down. - HBK drops the picture perfect elbow... though I don't think he ever called it that. In fact, I don't think it had a name. Except for when Randy Savage did it. It was the "flying elbow smash". - HBK ushers in the era of personalized finishers by "tuning up the band" for "Sweet Chin Music", but 'Kind dives out of the ring to escape and lands on the exposed concrete. - Hell, he'd be better off taking the damn superkick. - Bearer hands him the urn which... heals him? I don't get this part. I don't remember what the urn's power was. I just remember Kama (Godfather) melting it into a necklace, then the necklace coming to life and choking him or something. - Oh, and fuck you if you think Umaga is "ridiculous". - 'Kind returns to the ring. Slugfesting ensues. It's actually quite sloppy considering the caliber of performers involved. Lots of weird exchanges where it appears neither guy knows what to do next. - 'Kind takes control after blocking a snapmare with the mandible claw! Do you think he washed that finger cover thing? Does it matter? - HBK fights him off and escapes. They tease going back to it, but HBK continues to soldier on with an empty mouth. - Michaels assumes a UFC-style mount position and starts raining down punches. Foley, meanwhile, has no idea how to effectively use the guard. Most clueless of all are the commentators who are still trying to explain how sticking your fingers in a guy's mouth is painful. - Why didn't anybody just bite him? - 'Kind recovers and chucks HBK back out of the ring, then pulls out the announce table, which was still just a table and not that Ikea bullshit that is used now. - HBK broadjumps the table and flattens Foley. Craziness. Love it. - After a smash into the casket, HBK snap suplexes 'Kind so that he takes the ring step bump with his lower legs. You know. The way he does in every match. - Make the noise, fake the feeling. That's my motto. Actually, it's my fiancee's and it's usually attributed to sex, but still... - Replayed footage puts over the damage to 'Kind's legs, as does a frantic Jim Ross. - J.R.: "He's gotta be crippled from that!" Broken bodies, J.R.! Say it! - HBK clips the knee as 'Kind returns to the ring. I don't think Ricky Steamboat would have ever done that, Shawn. - Foley rolls out on the casket... then gets his knee smashed into it! Ouch! - He keeps on the knee, but Hebner tries to step in. - Shoved away by Michaels! I know Ricky Steamboat would have never done that! - HBK use the dragon screw to set up with figure four. Foley fights to reverse it, does and then comes back up to fight some more. - Shawn dropkicks the leg, then steps over and drops a knee onto it. Mr. Perfect (third commentator w/ Vince & Jim and long-time practitioner of the move) says HBK is wrestling the match perfectly. - He's beating the fuck out of a guy who can barely walk, shoving a defenseless referee and being praised by the heel commentator? Ricky Steamboat would... never mind. - 'Kind breaks a half-crab by reaching the ropes, then fights up to deliver a hot shot. Or stun gun, if you prefer. - In one of the strangest damn things I've ever seen, Mankind rolls onto the apron, takes a pen from Paul Bearer and stabs himself four times in the leg. Weird shit. - 'Kind chokes Shawn, then throws him out onto the casket. Hebner... starts a ten-count?! Now?! Of course, HBK beats it back in. - Ugly knee to the face in the corner by Foley, who sells the move more than Shawn does. Gotta love that. - Perfect, who sounds reeeeally hopped up, says something about The Undertaker, but I can't for the life of me figure it out. Nor could Vince McMahon who called him "confused" and disregarded it completely. - HBK busts out the back suplex to break Manky's momentum, but can't capitalize and continues eating headbutts and punches. - Shawn does his signature flip in the corner but winds up tied to the tree of woe and taking an axehandle to the face. Shawn is now at Morton level 7. - A mafia kick sends HBK up and over the top to the floor. Foley heads out to capitalize. - Side-note: What the fuck was that symbol on Mankind's back? The ankh with the three dots and the X. They ever explain that? I'm guessing no. - Foley charges knee-first into the steps again and takes a header over 'em. Apparently, that's enough to get Hebner to stop counting them out. - HBK drop toe hold sends Foley head-first into the steps! That's an ouchers! - HBK returns to the ring. McMahon notes the "glitter" from Goldust's entrance on his back and gives away the finish. - Vince, the guy who HATES it when results are spoiled by the dirty, dirty internet: "Glitter all over him, from the previous match-up with Goldust. Will we see Goldust again? (He'd lost a casket match) Will we see The Undertaker again here tonight?! Who (not you, Vince) knows what's going to happen! ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!" - Smoooth. Three O's. - They tease a suplex into and out of the ring, but both end up on the apron. 'Kind charges, but HBK dives into the ring... leaving Manky to crash head-first into the ringpost! Very unique stuff not seen before... or since. - A flying back elbow by HBK gets botched and Foley retakes control. HBK gets back into the swing with a powerslam, but he's clearly struggling from being a step off. - Perhaps he's worried about... The Undertaker? Nah. - Manky avoids a ba(aaaaaaaaaaaa)ck body drop, but HBK chucks him into the ropes... where his head gets tangled up, ear-severing style! - The expression on his face is worth watching or rewatching this match alone. Brilliant. - HBK moves in to help Hebner untangle him... but gets digits in the gullet! The mandible claw! - Foley has to break it or... you know, die. He's freed from the ropes and plummets to the floor. HBK heads out to retrieve him... but gets locked in the claw again! - HBK flings him into the guard rail, then grabs a chair. Manky fires back with a punch that hits the steel and busts his hand. - HBK clips the knee, then smashes the hand yet again as he reaches for the apron. He drags 'Kind back into the ring and starts biting his fingers! Reverse mandible claw! - He continues working on the fingers, attempting to negate the use of the mandible claw. Yet... there is another hand! - HBK charges... but Foley ba(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack body drops him high out to the floor! I'm talking crazy Tony Hawk-like air. Foley pours it on with an elbowdrop off the apron. - If this match was on iMPACT!, they'd have had 37 commercials by now. Lots of outside the ring action. - Foley drops a leg on the champ as he tries to get back into the ring, then spikes him! Double arm DDT! - Limp arm cover only gets two. It was the right call though. Hooking the leg is for girls. - Manky busts out the classic "wedgie driver" and spikes HBK's noggin into the canvas. That's a double whammy move. He gets you at both ends. - Another no-leg-hooking pin fails to do the job. 'Kind sucks it up and hooks a leg, but again HBK kicks free. - Foley goes nuts and begins pulling out his hair, then flopping around like... I don't actually know. It's pretty awkward. - Foley appeases the Philadelphia-based "extreme fans" (who I'm guessing were at an ECW show because this got zero pop) and begins hurling chairs into the ring, including Mr. Perfect's. Heh. - It's all for naught as Hebner quickly discards of them. 'Kind protests not and instead crawls over and opens the casket. Note: the camera is very clear to reveal nothing inside. - Apparently, Mankind's hands are so damaged they can't apply the mandible claw, so he's instead going to drag Michaels into the casket, a task that requires quite a bit more dexterity in the fingers than simply popping them in his mouth. - HBK fights back! Punches lead to a charge... and a flying forearm! With a kip-up! It must be Sunday because he's risen from the dead! Praise Jesus! - Flying cross body block gets two. And yes, Ricky Steamboat would've done that. The crowd is freakin' electric. - HBK gets cah-rotched on the top by 'Kind. Santana... er, Foley moves in for a back suplex and... - Stop me if you've heard this one. - Back suplex reversed into a cross body press off the top rope through the table! - Both sell the impact during the replay, but Mankind is up quick and grabs a chair, then heads up top as Paul distracts Hebner. - Michaels posts off of an open chair in the ring and superkicks 'Kind on the top rope! Excellent! - He makes the cover and it's academic. - And by WWF logic, "academic" means only one thing. Outside interference! - HBK abandons the cover and begins attacking Vader as Hebner calls for the bell, giving Shawn the DQ win... even though nobody touched him or anything. Hell, for all Hebner knows, Vader could've just been setting up a post-match beat-down. - Vader gets quickly knocked out of the ring... but Bearer comes in from behind and nails him with the urn! It has the power to heal... and to injure! It's magically duplicitous. - Both 'Kind and Shawn are out and the announcers stress that Hebner never saw Bearer hit Shawn. So what if he did? The match is over! There are no rules now. - Sid (yes, that Sid) rushes out and nails Vader in the face with a haymaker. They brawl up the aisle to the back. Even in '96, nobody cares. - Meanwhile, Bearer raises the run... and the unconscious Mankind begins TWITCHING~! Praise Jesus! - Mankind gets up and is healed! He can extend his middle and ring finger! Hell, there are some people without an injury that can't do that, so... give it up. - He locks Shawn in the claw and puts him down (somehow, probably because he already was down) then orders Bearer to open the empty casket... - That isn't exactly empty. - The Undertaker! Praise Jesus! - Taker grabs 'Kind by the throat and throws him over the top to the floor, then stalks he and Bearer to the back, leaving the champ behind to bask in the afterglow of an incredible disqualification victory. - Final rating: zero stars because I despise "star ratings". I'm sure this match is on some WWF DVD release, likely either Mick Foley's or Shawn Michaels'. If not... well, it should be. It was a very good match, despite the corniness of some of the storylines played out therein. While the 'Taker/'Kind feud was still running along well, but the Vader/HBK stuff was really showing it's serious lack of foresight. Save for touting Michaels as a "giant killer", the program never amounted to much at all. The funny thing about "giant killers" is... they never actually kill giants. They just sort of beat 'em despite the odds. The match itself though... it was a classic, despite being booked with little build-up for seemingly no reason. That's the beauty of title matches, I guess. There doesn't have to be a reason. Makind could have sought Shawn's gold because it was shiny and planned to bury it in his backyard once acquiring it. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION! Well, that sure was something, huh? I leave you now to figure out exactly what. Don't figure too much. It's really not worth it again. I promise to do this again. How about in say... two Ridin' With The Bossmans, a Take Up Thy Wrestling Boots & Walk and half an Enter The Dream Realm? It's a date. If you'd like to read more of my erratic and inane ranting, check out The Movie Bar. I write a little ditty there whenever I get the itch. If you can't find it, I'm sure you stumble across something as good, or probably better. If you see Teh Monkey there, tell I said hello. Trust me. He'll know what it means. If your eyes haven't popped out of their sockets by now, hit up LOP's Columns Forum. It's the home to all your favorite Elimination Chambermaids (save for Zuma... deported) and a bunch of other people too. I've been told there's some pretty good writing there, but I think this column proves I wouldn't know good writing if it hit me. Suggested reading for anyone looking for an MMA column is Pee Eye M Pee's (I don't get the name) stirring renditions of "Inside The Octagon". Check it out if you find Vanderlei Silva vanderful. Oh, and if you see Degenerate there, tell him to tell me to make some more of those animated cartoons at the start of my columns. Them bitches were fun. Later. OR MONTH... WHATEVER ASHBAGAT! Say what? ASHBAGAT! Hell yeah! Ashbagat, capital of Asian nation Turkmenistan, is right on the border with Iran, nestled near the Kopet mountains. Over 400,000 Turkmenistanians? Turkmenistanans? Turkmenisters? Turkmen? Whatever... over 400,000 of them call it home. Many claim it's because it's the economic and cultural center. I disagree. I think they choose to live there because it's fun to say "ASHBAGAT!" Try it... but be prepared to pack all your belongings before you do so. There you go. Now, please go back and read the rest of it, huh? WOW! Candice Soaks Herself in Beer with Her New Look!
|
|