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Submitted by Morpheus on Tuesday, August 1, 2006 at 12:53 PM EST
The Tony Chimmel 4 U.S. Champ Edition Welcome back, Metalheads and pussies to the latest installment of a Lords of Pain staple, the infamous FACT or FICTION. Today, we have five people stepping up to the plate for some good old fashioned wrestling discussion. First, we have BC, the only male in North America to be held under a restraining order by Jim Cornette, and author of Volume One here on Lords of Pain. Next up we have Degenerate who, in addition to owning multiple copies of the X-Pac/Chyna sex tape, is the June 2006 COTM winner with his column Struggle For Power. Alphabetically next, though clearly superior to all others is Morpheus, a man who occupies the enviable position of writing about himself in the third person at the beginning of these columns, and writes a little column called Enter The Dream Realm here on the Main Page. Next up we have a bona fide Briton in the form of pt2 whom many of you may recognize from his stint as a tranny hooker on Friends, as well as writing Take Up Thy Wrestling Boots And Walk on the LOP Main Page for your enjoyment. Last and almost certainly just barely not least, we have That Darn Frog from the Columns Forum where he spends all his time masturbating to Hentai and being of French descent, both of which were genetically passed on by his father by the way, and sometimes writing his column The Fabrication, which is currently in the running for Column of the Month. Now you know the players, so let’s get on with the game. Fact or Fiction is a go! 1. FACT or FICTION: Having Paul Heyman turn on his Golden Boy, Rob Van Dam, and side with the Big Show to cost RVD the ECW World Title dealt a crucial blow to the new incarnation of the ECW Brand. BC - His "golden boy"? As far as I remember, Heyman sort of fucked RVD over there with the whole "abandoning ECW/not paying any workers" thing. I think the golden boy in question would be Steve Corino and he... oh, wait. Never mind. He's dead. Anyway, has WWECW suffered as a result? Pure FICTION. At this point, WWE has failed at delivering on the promise coupled with using the ECW name. The best they can hope for now is to deliver the "new breed of extreme... unleashed" mantra they've created as a safety net. The Big Show is easily the most compelling champion in WWE and thanks to his recent matches, particularly with Ric Flair, he's become the most entertaining. If sitting through matches like that are the punishment I must suffer for RVD's trangressions, it's a punishment I suffer gladly. Oh, and Corino's not REALLY dead. He's just in Japan. Starving. And probably bleeding. Degenerate - Wasn't the most crucial blow dealt on June 13, 2006, when the weekly show started on Sci-Fi? I think I'm probably one of the few who thinks this was a good move. Rob Van Dam was extremely popular in ECW shows, but to keep that popularity, there needs to be a great antagonist. Paul Heyman, combined with the Big Show, can be all the fuel Van Dam needs when his buzz is over – or when he returns after being suspended, whichever comes first. However, I hope the Big Show does retain some of his credibility as a monster, and kicks RVD's ass around for a while. Take THAT, pothead! Total FICTION. Morpheus - Well, fuck. I really really really wanted to say FACT when I came up with this topic, as at the time I felt it was very true. However, as time has worn on, I have changed my opinion a bit and thought that maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all. So, then I wanted to answer FICTION to reflect my new opinion, but then I went through and read other peoples’ responses to this and realized that ***SPOILER*** that would make us all have the same answer, which is bad for ratings. So, after much reflection, I have decided to answer FUCK ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS COLUMN FOR ANSWERING FICTION SO THAT I WAS OBLIGATED TO SAY FACT EVEN THOUGH I CHANGED MY MIND. pt2 - I think I’m going to go with FICTION here. Look at the past, success has never been far behind when there is a heel champion that the good guy can chase. And lets be honest, how hard can it be to chase the Big Show? He’s not the quickest. He’s a big boy. So what they’ve done is “screw” their top babyface, and set him up to chase the alliance of the authority figure that screwed him and a monster, giant heel associated historically not with ECW but with WCW and WWE. May not be the most original thing ever, but it sounds like smart business to me. After all, on an ECW show, what could be more evil than a WWE giant and a turncoat? That Darn Frog - I say FICTION. With Paul Heyman making things tougher for RVD, his chase to reclaim the ECW heavyweight championship becomes much more interesting. If he and Heyman were still buddy-buddy, then what’s to stop him from giving RVD a rematch right from the get-go? Nothing really. This way, Heyman will make him re-work for his opportunity (although he might have had to do that anyway), and won’t make the climb back to the top any easier. Also, while RVD vs. Heyman is no Austin vs. McMahon, it should still make for some good television. I don’t think RVD will pee on anybody (just like in Austin vs. Flair, when Flair had control of RAW), but the segments should provide some good entertainment. 2. FACT or FICTION: In the Fatal Four-Way Match for the #1 Contendership to the NWA World Heavyweight Championship that involved Sting, Christian Cage, Scott Steiner, and Samoa Joe, Sting was definitely the right choice to walk out the victor. Degenerate - FICTION. I'd say Sting was the second best choice, as Steiner isn't worth a dime in my eyes, and Christian Cage's time is up – again. As popular as Sting right now, and with TNA throwing us fans a total curve, I think this was a bullshit decision. You have arguably the hottest commodity in pro wrestling right now in Samoa Joe, and yet you still hold him off in favor of a 47-year old who hasn't held a major championship in any organization for the longest time. I'm very curious to see how the title match with Jarrett fares. The only thing that can remove the anger I hold towards this decision is if Jarrett beats Sting cleanly, and we don't see Sting in the title hunt ever again. I suppose it'll make the time when Joe really gets his title shot much sweeter, but I don't care. I want my Joe now! In the famous words of Morpheus, Fuck Sting. Morpheus - When someone quotes me, they are invariably right. ‘Tis true, one of my mottos that I live my daily life by is “Fuck Sting.” So far it has done me well. Though it makes sense somewhat from a storyline perspective, and it makes sense from a contractual perspective on the money end of things, it makes no sense overall as it just derailed much of the momentum of the Joe Push, which should priority number one, hands down. FICTION, fuckers, and Sting, if you’re reading this, Fuck You. Fuck you hard with a splintery wooden implement. pt2 - How old is Sting now? About 47, 48? I have to be honest, I’m working from slightly limited information here, but the last time I checked, that was somewhat past your peak. I only catch TNA on an occasional basis, but there are two matches there that want to make me see the show more than a match featuring Sting - and I’ll give you a clue, neither of the two guys I want to see are “my hook up”. Holla if you hear FICTION. That Darn Frog - I really had a tough time thinking about this one. I really wanted to say Fiction, because at first, I really felt that Samoa Joe should have been the winner here. Then I thought about it some more, and Joe should really have a slow build up to fight for the NWA title. He shouldn’t be rushed in, just like WWE’s Randy Orton was. Christian didn’t really do anything fantastic as NWA champion, and the last thing I want to see is a Scott Steiner title reign. Plus, Steiner works well with Jarett, he should be kept right where is, on his right hand side. So by process of elimination, I would say, yes, it’s FACT that Sting was the right man for the choice, although the gasoline in the eyes was a bit much. There’s nothing wrong with a Sting title reign if they so choose to give it to him at Hard Justice, or they could have Christian Cage screw him over at the PPV as well. I just think there’s a lot more options you can do with Sting as the number one contender than any of the other three. BC - I've yet to view the event for myself, so the circumstances are a bit past me. It's hard to say really. Sting brings the highest potential for a big-time main event, Cage probably would yield the most redeeming contest, Steiner would have been a swerve for the ages and Joe... well, I don't even think I need to finish that. A Steiner win is illogical. A Cage win is... hell, who cares? It was Joe or Sting all along. I think TNA must cash in on the Sting/Jarrett one-on-one match before ushering TNA into a new era, hopefully eventually led by Joe. FACT. 3. FACT or FICTION: Involving Brooke Hogan in the current storyline pitting her father against Randy Orton is an excellent move because it not only advances the feud between Hogan and Orton but it will also lead to increased exposure for her budding singing career. Morpheus - I will grant you that this angle has gained some notoriety for Brooke’s budding singing career, no doubt leading to a few more album sales. I will also grant you that it gives a secondary reason for a feud between Orton and Hogan other than the obvious “I’m a Legend Killer” thing, which is a good thing I suppose. However, this angle has allowed Hogan to once again appear on my television, which is NEVER a good thing, so as far as this being an excellent move, I go with FICTION. If “Fuck Sting” is one of my mottos, “Fuck Hogan” is my meditative mantra through which I achieve ultimate enlightenment as I search the outer universe for the inner secrets of the soul. Fuck Hogan… Na na naa… Fuck Hogan... Amen. pt2 - If I’m honest, I couldn’t care less about Brooke Hogan’s singing career - I heard her song, and I think I’d rather buy a rap album by “Macho Man” Randy Savage. On screen it’s a tricky one - it’s certainly helping the feud along and giving Hogan and Orton a reason to fight, but the potential is there for a god awful Brooke Hogan heel turn, and then we have six months of her playing Stephanie McMahon while Hogan breaks out all the old moves for another “this time it’s really the last one, brother” run. I’m going to cautiously say FACT, but if Brooke even hints at a heel turn, I might, just might, start to piss blood with anger. That Darn Frog - FICTION. While Brooke does help advance the storyline, and this will give her exposure, I don’t agree with the idea that this is an excellent move for her career. I think it’s safe to say that most wrestling fans don’t listen to a lot of the poppy music that she sings. What if Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears got into a match at SummerSlam? While that would increase exposure for them, would that actually cause any more people to rush out and by their albums? I don’t really think so. It seems like it would get Brooke exposure, but not the good kind. Honestly, if she want’s her singing career to take off, she needs to drop the whole, “I’m Hulk Hogan’s daughter!” thing, and actually make a name for herself. BC - Brooke is the blonde, right? I'm going with FICTION, but only because of one word. "Excellent". I don't find this compelling at all. However, it does meet the ends of the benefits proposed. People who'd have never heard Brooke's song otherwise have heard it, and Orton and Hogan really have no reason to feud at all. It's extremely poor, much like the Edge/Foley feud/partnership earlier this year, but this is the best we're going to get from the current writers. Orton hunting Hogan to "kill a legend" sucks, so Orton hunting Hogan because he's a sex-crazed misogynist is only marginally better. However, it IS better. I shudder to think what Orton's promos would consist of if not lusting after Brooke. "Hogan, I will destroy you... because you are a legend... and I am a legend killer... and I kill legends... like you... because that is what legend killers do... like me... Randy Orton... legend killer... dramatic pause... oops, I wasn't supposed to say that... just... do it." Degenerate - You know this is a FACT. There are only two reasons Brooke Hogan is appearing on WWE television now: Her music career, and the fact that her father needs a good excuse to have a feud with one of wrestling's rising stars. The whole "Legend Killer" gimmick has passed its expiration date, and isn't a valid reason to have a feud anymore. Unfortunately, Hogan needs all the help he can, and Orton is no Shawn Michaels. I'm glad they decided to start this feud a good month before the Pay-Per-View, as they really need a lot of time to develop this into a big money match. And believe me, that Britney-wannabe needs all the help necessary to sell at least 100,000 copies of her CD. Oh, and I'd definitely hit it. In a heartbeat. Don't tell me you wouldn't, you liar. 4. FACT or FICTION: With Mark Henry now having been put on the shelf with a patella injury, he will miss 4 to 6 months of action. When he returns, he will come after Batista much in the same way the roles were originally scheduled to be reversed. pt2 - FACT. What else do you do with him? Short of getting LOP’s own Wevv Mang to write something for him that involves sandwiches, I can’t think of anything. Mark Henry has, in his ten years with the company, only had any remote success with two things - sexual chocolate and this. I don’t want to see Sexual chocolate. You don’t want to see sexual chocolate. Everyone at WWE doesn’t want to be reminded that they came up with sexual chocolate in the first place, so the choice is clear. That Darn Frog - I say this is FACT. Isn’t it ironic that that the same person who knocked out Batista for almost a whole year pretty much gets put on the disabled list for almost the same amount of time by Batista? I think a lot of people were hoping that Mark Henry’s main event push was going to die after this, but WWE would be dumb to ignore this possible storyline. Henry could come back jealous; saying Batista enjoyed the success he should have had while he was out (try not to snicker out there, ok?). The two would clash at the upcoming PPV, but not for the title, if Batista is holding it. BC - Wow. Um... FICTION? I think assuming Mizark returning at all is quite an assumption. To me, it seems like Henry's WWE career is kind of like a guy who misses a day shaving. Anyway, he's walking around and his friend notices and goes "Dude, are you growing a beard?" and before he can say no, some chick comes up and is all "I think beards are sexy" and she's kind of pretty, but in a way that is more like she reminds him of a girl he used to know who was hotter, and says it in kind of a sexy way, but he's not sure if she was being sarcastic. Anyway, his buddy's all "Dude, she's totally checkin' you out!" and he doesn't believe it... but then again, maybe. So he goes home to shave, but he can't stop thinking about this girl. As he's thinking, he realizes he's never really grown a beard before because he thinks they're pretty gay, but ultimately decides there's really no harm is letting it go another day. The next day, he meets with his buddies and none of them really notice, but then the one friend comes in and starts laughing and tells the others the story, but he tells it wrong and says the girl was old and kind of ugly and the guy's all like "No, she was hot!" but nobody buys it and they're all making fun of him for growing a beard to impress a chick who isn't really that hot. And, of course, the guy's all "No, I was just trying it because I never really had a beard before" and shit but everyone's already having too much fun laughing at him. Then THE KICKER is one of the guys actually KNOWS the girl and says she's like 37 or something so now he's a total laughingstock. He goes home and is all "Fuck this, I'm shaving the beard" but then realizes if he shaves it, everyone will know he only grew it to impress the old chick who isn't really that hot anyway, so now he kind of HAS to keep it. By then, his work buddy found out and it's all over the office and he can't even write up a fucking T.P.S. report without some asshole coming by and going "Hey, Grizzly Adams, going to pick up any chicks at bingo tonight?" which isn't even that funny. Then the boss notices him struggling and calls him in and is like "These T.P.S. reports are... hey, what's with the beard? You didn't shave? Are you on drugs?" Anyway, he loses his job and can't pay his rent so the landlady (who's a TOTAL bitch) kicks him out of his apartment and puts him on the streets. As he sits on the curb and stares into a rain-soaked gutter, his reflection stares back going "Damn, that beard looks retarded on you." Basically, it's a simple, innocuous mistake that, when left uncorrected, created a maelstrom of chaos and ruined a life or two. That's sort of how I see Mark Henry's WWE career. I think WWE's finally ready to call it quits and fix things. Still, things like this happen all the time though. How many homeless people have you seen that are clean-shaven? I rest my case. Degenerate - I'm kinda torn on this. First, his contract is about to expire around SummerSlam, so it's not a sure thing that he'll be back at all. However, seeing the push he was receiving at the end of this stint, it's clear the WWE still has hopes for Henry. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I liked this stint, and I think this was the best opportunity he had in the past ten years. He also seemed to be more interested in the role. But really, how can you tell with his beady little eyes? I'm going to say FACT on this one, just because I think there's some opportunity to make some cash with the role reversal. Hey, the WWE can at least make 5% of what they paid Mark Henry. I'm not a Marketing dude, but even I can tell that's not a healthy Return-On-Investment. Morpheus - I’m going to go with FICTION because I am holding on to the last shreds of hope inside my shattered psyche that we may have in fact seen the last of The Human Bruise, Mark Henry. I know I don’t pray often, but I’m willing to learn. 5. FACT or FICTION: The WWE are sending out the wrong message to the locker room and to the fans by punishing Rob Van Dam with a 30-day suspension after his arrest for drug possession, but only slapping Sabu with a minor fine for the same offense. That Darn Frog - I say FACT on this one too. Why should one get a different punishment than the other? It was a collective effort on their part. Van Dam supplied the pot; Sabu supplied the items to smoke it. I have yet to meet anyone who carries around a bong just so that other people can smoke it. Whether Sabu was more apologetic or not, I don’t think it matters. Both of them smoked pot, both of them should get equal punishment. BC - FICTION. If the roles were reversed, I might think differently, but I doubt it. I don't really read internet reports so I don't know the details of the case, but I'm not sure it actually was the same offense and would warrant the same punishment. Anyway, I think this is absolutely sending the right message. That message is WWE will do what is necessary to keep it's performers safe (or out of the headlines due to criminal behavior...) and suspending RVD was a big step in the right direction. Had it been a road agent catching him with weed versus a cop, I doubt the suspension would've occurred. Then again, if not for Eddy Guerrero's DUI arrest in 2001, he'd probably have never had the chance to reach the pinnacle of the business (or at the very least been unable to help reinvigorate the independent circuit). I still firmly believe the "wellness program" is merely a public relations band-aid created out of Eddy's death, but this call is a huge step in silencing dissenters such as me. Degenerate - FACT. I'm surprised Sabu is still kicking around in the ECW locker room. Weird how he's taking this run with the WWE very seriously, when he previously had a reputation for being an overall asshole. It could be the money. It could be that he's realizing this may very well be his last big stint before going to indy hell. Or it could be the fact that he's grateful that he was arrested, and wasn't even suspended. I know there are some arguments that Rob Van Dam was the one caught with the weed, and that it wouldn't fare well with him being the face of the company. But I think Sabu should've had the same suspension, if only because he knew RVD had a stash in the car they were in. It's not like no one would've missed him if he disappeared for 30 days. It's happened so many times before. Morpheus - While the reasoning for having such vastly different punishments for the two men largely escape me, other than a possible move of booking genius (which let’s face it, highly unlikely), I will go with FICTION here. They sent the message they needed to send: Don’t Do Drugs, Douchebag. I like to call this policy “The 4 D’s.” I am brilliant like that. Anyway, I think in all honesty the WWE found out that the drugs Sabu had on him were for battling off a wicked case of Bitch Tits, and they felt sorry for him. No harm no foul. pt2 - How can this not send the wrong message? Unless they’ve decided on some bizarre idea in which they punish their most over guys to suggest to the others that no one is irreplaceable, I can’t even work out the logic behind that one. Perhaps they are trying to suggest that Sabu can handle drugs that others can’t because he is the genocidal, homicidal, suicidal, regicidal, whatevercidal maniac? either way, it’s double standard bullshit, and just suggests that they have no idea on how to enforce a policy on drugs. FACT. And that about does it for this month’s edition of Fact or Fiction. Don’t forget to check out the Columns Forum Edition as well, as soon as it gets around to being posted. If you have any thoughts, feel free to send them our way at the email addresses below. In the meantime, Stay Metal, and I’ll catch all you non-gender-specific fuckers at a future juncture. E-Mail BC E-Mail Degenerate E-Mail Morpheus E-Mail pt2 E-Mail That Darn Frog >>*PLAY NOW*<< Fun, FREE, WWE Online Games! Fight Cena, Kick Hogan, TONS MORE! PLAY NOW!
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