The Boss Report: "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" and "Threatdown"

The Boss Report: "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" and "Threatdown"
Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, July 30, 2006 at 12:13 AM EST

This week:

I got a fever! And the only prescription... is more column! This is the Boss Report.

Welcome back, folks. Glad you could join me for my second column here on Lords of Pain. We've got a good write-up here for you this week, which should prove to be a worthy follow-up to the unmitigated success that was my debut last week. I've received your e-mails and read your feedback in the LoP Forums, and I hear your message loud and clear. The world needs to hear the truth... and I'm here to give it to them. Give it to them where it hurts. In the retinas. Those are the light-sensitive membranes that cover the inner eyeball and connect to the optic nerve of the brain, for those of you that flunked Grade 12 Biology. Believe me, you don't want to get hit with the truth there... or get hit there with anything else for that matter. Seriously, your eyeballs are important. They're like windows to your soul... or brain. I forget. I flunked Biology.

We've got a lot of ground to cover this week, but before we get to all that I thought I'd address a couple of pieces of feedback from readers. The first comes from fellow LoP Forums staffer, Terry, who had this to say...

“Boss, Why does your "Boss Report" sign have the "Stars and Stripes" Incorporated in it?”

Terry was actually one of a few readers who felt compelled to ask me that, and the answer is quite simple really. Why wouldn't I use Ol' Glory as part of my column's header? It's a symbol of strength, integrity, virility, and balls – all things that “The Boss Report” represents. To be perfectly honest, it's the only flag suitable enough to be emblazoned upon “The Boss Report” banner. Thanks for the question, Terry. And God bless America.

Which brings me to my second bit of feedback. Now, I've never been one to present myself as being flawless, although I come so close most of the time that there really wouldn't be much harm if I did. That being said, an interesting bit of information was brought to my attention by a reader named Larry. Larry apparently took issue with some statements that I made concerning Mark Henry. Here's an excerpt from last week's column...

“Any schmuck with a keyboard can prattle away with predictions on when Mark Henry would injure himself. Hell, he injured himself every year for the past ten years practically. It's like predicting rain on a cloudy day – the odds are in your favor. The real bravery of a WWE fan comes from ignoring the glaringly obvious fragility of Henry's ample frame to appreciate that the guy keeps coming back for more. Honestly, I've seen dogs take less time trying to carry a large stick in their mouths through a narrow door than Henry has taken time in rehabilitating himself from countless injuries.

Now a lot of the Gloomy Gus' are going to be shouting from the rooftops that this is finally the end of Mark Henry's WWE career, and to them I ask... If WWE didn't have the sense to get rid of Henry the other 9 times he got put on the shelf, what makes you think this is going to be any different? Mark Henry is here to stay.” - The Boss Report (7/23/06)

Well, Larry took it upon himself to bring something to my attention. Here's what he had to say...

“Following in the long line of LOP incorrectness, Henry has been injured a grand total of four times in 10 years. The leg in 96, ankle in 2002, nother injury in 2003, and now in 2006. Thats it. That's alot less than alot of other guys(angle, orton, michaels).”

Bravo, Larry. You're one of the good ones and a credit to your race, whatever that might be.

The important thing to take note of is that Larry is a proud Mark Henry fan, like so many of us, and does not hesitate to come to his defense when he feels his hero is being threatened. And just like me, Larry isn't big on details either. Just as I made the blanket statement of Henry being injured for every year that he's been with WWE, Larry overlooked two additional injuries that Mark Henry sustained in 2004-05 – His shoulder injury at the hands of Chris Benoit and his quad injury while working in OVW after recovering from shoulder surgery. You see, Larry is about the big picture. The truth. And people like us don't need things like “facts” when we're trying to spread the truth about great men like Mark Henry. I tip my hat to you, Larry, which coincidentally enough brings me to our next segment.

Folks, I'm not a reporter. A reporter looks at the events that transpire and presents them to the public in an unbiased manner, so that the reader may make up their own mind on the issue. Well, that's how it works in Happy Land down on Lollipop Lane, but this is the real world... and the real world sucks. Reporters are so full of their own agenda that their teeth are floating in corrupted bile, which has bubbled up from their blackened hearts, as they spin those events into an article that suits their own agenda. As a columnist, it's my responsibility. NAY! My obligation to take those articles, counter-spin them, spin them again, and present them to you in a way in which you can see the line between good and bad. With that in mind, let's roll up our eyes and get knee deep in some judgment with a tip of my hat, and a wag of my finger.

First up, a tip of the hat to LoP's own “Monday Night Countdown”. Co-hosts, Randomguy#5 and Morpheus, saw fit to recognize the debut of yours truly to the main page in their countdown of the biggest news items of the week in wrestling. Of course, it was a shared honor with two more of LoP's newest columnists. Their names escape me at the moment, but I'm sure they'll prove to be good hands too. Good work, M & R. You both have a keen eye to recognize the beginning of a new era in “Boss Foxxable” goodness here on Lords of Pain.

Although, I must give you a tiny wag of the finger for ranking the debut all the way at the bottom of the countdown at “#10”. C'mon, boys. With a balls-to-the-wall column like “The Boss Report” hitting the scene, that's got to be good for at least a “#7”. No disrespect to the Raw Diva Search, but how can they get a higher spot than the most recent foundation-shaker to the LoP landscape?

A tip of the hat goes out to video-game developer, Yukes. It was recently announced that the Japanese company was canceling development for the PS3 of the their next WWE game, Smackdown Vs Raw 2007. After word hit a German message board that the PS3 logo had been removed from the video-game's official website, THQ (the game's publisher) confirmed that the PS3 would be the only current game console that would not have the game available to it, while PS2, Xbox 360, and PSP would have a version of the game released.

Kudos. I have no intention of buying any future Sony consoles anyway until I receive some sort of reply on my proposal for my own video-game, “Boss Foxx: Tomb Looter”, so it's reassuring to see that THQ and Yukes are joining me on my “Boss-cot” of the gaming tyrant. I'd much prefer to throw my support towards the “Mom & Pop” operation of video-gaming known as the Xbox 360. Sure, some might take the announcement at face value and conclude that the cancellation is simply due to production problems with the PS3 version, which would have forced an early 2007 release date instead of the traditional November release, but I read between the lines. Sony, you're officially on notice.

A big wag of the finger to Rhino. During the July 13 episode of “TNA Impact”, Rhino cast a velvet bag holding his old ECW Heavyweight Title into a trashcan and lit it on fire as a protest against the new ECW, which he says offered him a new WWE contract. Oh, Rhino. Why hast thou forsaken me? Are you still blaming Vince for your own transgressions? Do you still not see the error of your ways? You were in the promised land and you threw it all away, and for what? Some backwater promotion that tapes it's shows in a theme park? For shame, Rhino. You get the wag of the finger for two reasons.

One, you don't bite the hand that feeds you... even when it's no longer feeding you. Sure, you may feel insulted at seeing the small promotion that you worked for become engulfed by the global conglomerate known as WWE, but it's for the best. Sure, the current incarnation of ECW is practically indistinguishable from the original, but that's beside the point. You were offered a chance to make more than minimum wage, or whatever it is that TNA is paying you these days. But instead, you decided to side with the underdogs yet again in an attempt to promote yourself to that black-sheep market of wrestling fans. When are you going to face the truth, Rhino? WWE doesn't need competition like TNA... it creates plenty of competition for itself now with three separate brands. It's like the Wal-Mart of sports-entertainment. Always low expectations. Always.

And two, assuming you actually had the stones to burn that ECW Title rather than turn it over to Vince McMahon, why not put it up on eBay where it could have fetched a hefty ransom? I'm sure there would have been ravenous fans from around the world that would have gladly paid to claim ownership on that rusty trinket... Well, more like from around the great Philadelphia area, now that I think about it. That's money you'll never see, though. Money that could have been used to help financially support yourself and the rest of the ECW outcasts that now call that theme park attraction known as TNA.

On a more joyous note, a tip of the hat to Stephanie McMahon who gave birth this past week to a healthy baby girl, Aurora Rose Levesque. I'd just like to congratulate the new mom and also the supposedly first-time father, Triple H, on the newest addition to the McMahon empire. It's heartening to know that with such a strong genetic stew from those two, we are guaranteed a McMahon family member to take charge of the company in Vince's passing that won't be a letdown... Shane McMahon's baby, I'm looking in your direction.

However, I must give a respectful wag of the finger to the doting mom on her pushing for the D-X reunion to carry on past SummerSlam and well into the fall. Stephanie, I can appreciate that you want to ensure your husband's high profile stature on Raw, but I think the big guy can take care of himself. I mean, it's not like he married you for professional gain. As far as the wonderfully Disney-rated D-Generation-X (I was not a fan of the derogatory and puerile incarnation of the late 90s) of the present is concerned, it's had a great run this summer. I just don't think we need to milk this bad boy for too long. D-X is like a fine wine – it becomes better with age, and HHH & HBK have certainly aged. Keep the bottle open for too long though, and that wine will turn to vinegar... boring, boring vinegar. Please, Stephanie, put a cork in it... and by “it”, I'm of course referring to D-X... not your baby-maker.

Another tip of the hat, this time to sports writer Kirk McCracken of the Sapulpa Daily Herald. In his July 24 column, Mr. McCracken had this to say concerning how to improve amateur wrestling...

“Amateur wrestling (high school and college) should be geared more toward professional wrestling. The two sports aren’t even close.

Becoming a professional is what all amateurs aspire to become.

Therefore, using folding chairs and 2-by-4s should now be legal in high school and college wrestling.

However, foreign objects loaded into gloves in order to knock out your opponent is strictly prohibited. Let’s not forget the Ted DiBiase-Junkyard Dog incident of 1982.

The Junkyard Dog had to face DiBiase, who was his best friend, in a “friendly” wrestling match.

During the title-bout, DiBiase took a foreign object, put it into a glove and struck JYD in the head, knocking him unconscious. DiBiase won the title, essentially turning to the dark side.

If that won’t fill the Chieftain Center, I don’t know what will.”

Amen. Children today need to learn much earlier in life that the real world is a brutal place and that everything is not necessarily what it seems. What better way to give a valuable life lesson to today's youth than to incorporate the core values of professional wrestling into the world of amateur wrestling. Now, I realize that Mr. McCracken might have been making some kind of satirical observation in his column by using this analogy of wrestling to how steroids have seemingly bolstered the success of Major League Baseball, but I'm not a big fan of satire and believe that he is really onto something with this whole idea. Think about it. What better way for Timmy to learn how to get ahead in life than being taught in high-school wrestling how to properly stuff a set of brass knucks in his tights, so that he might use them on his opponent when the referee's back is turned? Kids today are spoiled and have come to expect everything to be handed to them without earning it. Give that kid a steel folding chair, and you put the power in his hands to do things for himself.

Also, I would recommend that Mr. McCracken might want to update his wrestling trivia to something a little more relevant than what transpired during a Mid-South Wrestling '82 event. Times have changed, Mr. McCracken, and your point might have been better translated to your younger readers had you made reference to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin's villainous turn against the Rock in 2001 at WrestleMania 17. While it might not go down as a great heel turn in the annuls of history, it is certainly something more recent than your rose-colored memories of watching wrestling alongside the rest of rural America in good ol' Sapulpa, Oklahoma.

Wag of the finger to the Cleveland Indians for Monday's game against the Detroit Tigers. Members of the team were scheduled to attend “Raw” that night as guests, which was noted in their absence by “Papa Bear” Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Travis Haffner explained during a radio appearance that he was trying to finish up the game, so that he and his teammates could make the show. When you're team has a below .500 winning season thus far, however, and you're playing the top team in your division, and you give up five runs in the very first inning of the game, Travis should have realized that the quickest way to finish the game and get to attend Raw is simple... forfeit.

And finally, a tip of the hat to the WWE Diva Search. I am so thankful that WWE brought this gem back once more this year. It's blends two of the best things about television today into a very appealing package – reality television and silicone. I'm sure there's a lot of the haterazzi out there that insist on coming down on the Diva Search, calling it a “waste of time” when “more deserving talent” could be showcased during those time slots. What those people need to realize is that WWE needs beautiful women, and beautiful women don't grow on trees... yet (C'mon science, quit holding out on us). For WWE, this is a doubly beneficial endeavor. Not only does the WWE gain viewership from socially depraved reality junkies, but they also gain female employees at bargain-basement prices rather than having to pay more money to hire established female wrestlers with ingrained talent and knowledge of the wrestling business. It's win-win.

I know I ribbed the girls earlier on in my column, but it's all in good fun. In fact, I've lost count of how many times I've voted for whats-her-name. I just get so caught up in all the excitement, I never manage to learn their names until weeks after they've been released from their development contracts.

CHRISTY!!! That's what her name was. Phew. That one's been bugging me forever.

Onto our next segment, there's a lot out troubling things going on in the wrestling world today and sometimes it can be difficult for fans like ourselves to be sure what it is that threatens our way of life the most... as it relates to wrestling. With that in mind, we move right along into the countdown of the five most threatening things to wrestling and sports-entertainment as we know it. It's time for the Threatdown.

Number Five: Enzymes

Smackdown is under attack, ladies and gentlemen. Superstars are being removed from the active roster left and right, and anytime you get the left involved you know there's going to be trouble. And who or what is to blame? Liver enzymes... specifically the elevated plasma activity of liver enzymes, as determined from WWE's “Wellness Program” testing. When are enzymes going to learn their place in society? Smackdown used to run a tight ship with it's kangaroo court in the locker rooms, and I think it's about damned time the veterans started cracking down on the cellular level. Let's see if we can't get some positive results from JBL hog-tying a few of these rogue enzymes then sodomizing them with a mop handle like they were a belligerent referee.

I mean these things have even caused the Great Khali to be taken out of in-ring action. If not for these things, there would be absolutely no reason to keep that man from stepping foot inside the squared circle... at least none that I can think of. Actually, now that I think about it, Khali's enzyme test results were only barely above normal. Hell, the man is a veritable giant. Of course his test results should be above normal. The impact of these enzymes has stretched too far. It's time to take back what's ours – our immune systems.

Number 4: The Russians

A July 17 Reuters news article reports that Russian sumo wrestler, Roho, was handed an unprecedented three-day suspension for throwing a tantrum following a loss to opponent Chiyotaikai. After being defeated in a bout that saw both men break several strict sumo wrestling rules, Roho pursued Chiyotaikai into a bathroom where an angry verbal exchange took place, culminating in Roho punching through the window of the bathroom door, then slapping two photographers as he left the scene.

I never trusted the Russians, and this just bolsters my suspicions of them. I don't trust any country that can turn a harmless legume like the potato and turn it into an alcoholic substance. And you just know that Vince McMahon will take notice of the “Russian Bear's” actions and contemplate the potential he could have within WWE. Don't think it can't happen, folks. Vince brought in Akebono for WrestleMania 21, let's remember. Take Akebono, add a destructive personality and poor attitude towards authority, with a pinch of Bolshevik, and you've got yourself a villainous character that is right up Vince's alley. This can't happen. If anyone is going to be a destructive force in the WWE locker room, it's going to be JBL. He's done a helluva job with the opportunities that he's been given so far and we don't need yet another job being given to a foreigner.

Number 3: Canada

A television taping for ECW that was scheduled to take place in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada has been cancelled During a radio interview Carl DeMarco, President of WWE Canada, stated that the show was cancelled due to transportation issues for the production trucks between Montreal and Toronto (Mississauga is a suburb of Toronto), and that the show would likely be filmed State-side.

Frankly, I'm surprised WWE puts up with Canada at all. This is just one more example of Canada's ongoing agenda to undermine the well-being of WWE's efforts to bring quality sports-entertainment to the “Great” White North. To be honest, I'm getting sick of it. After Canada's complete disregard for storylines and build up, they insisted on cheering Hollywood Hogan at WrestleMania 18 while simultaneously booing the Rock out of the building. Canada has become an ungrateful and spoiled country that doesn't know how to properly appreciate or accommodate WWE. If something isn't done soon to counteract this anti-WWE agenda that these mother canuckers insist on pushing, there's no telling how far they make take this form of sabotage.

Number 2: Louisiana

Put your pitchforks down, people. The state only brought this upon themselves. No, I'm not talking about the horrible tragedy that was Hurricane Katrina that the likes of Reverend Pat Robertson attributed to the sinful nature of the state's city, New Orleans. I'm addressing something that is even more disturbing.

It turns out there is an old law still on the books in the state that makes it against the law to hold any “fake” wrestling event within state lines. But Boss, you might say, it's just an old law... a law that isn't even enforced any longer. It was also originally put in the books in the late 19th and early 20th centuries as a deterrent for carnivals that fixed legitimate wrestling matches with strong men and shooters. You might also point out that the 2001 Royal Rumble was held in the New Orleans Arena and that several independent promotions thrived throughout the late 20th century in the state of Louisiana. So why even bring it up? I'll tell you why, dammit.

It's the principle of what sports-entertainment was founded upon – fakeness. For a state to not repeal an outdated law to curb chicanery from carnies is not only a slap in the face of WWE, but a slap in the face of every wrestling fan in America. I suppose that kind of behavior is to be expected though from a state that harbors debauchery, the French, and arena football.

Number 1: Bears

Just like my political counterpart, Stephen Colbert, I also recognize the menace that is the bear. They are nothing more than furry killing monstrosities hiding behind a propaganda machine that presents them as cuddly plush toys. Even professional race-car driver, Alex Tagliani, stated in a July interview that he'd be willing to wrestle a bear for a million dollars before even considering kissing a sea lion. How any rationally thinking man would consider a lovable sea lion to be more frightening than the awe-inspiring ferocity of a friggin' bear is beyond me. It's a sea lion, you pussy. Throw it a sardine and it's your friend for life.

Not even the world of wrestling is safe from the reach of bears, however. In March of this year, Lance Palmer, a Cleveland teen and amateur wrestling champion, wrestled a 650 lb black bear by the name of Ceaser Jr. at a Cleveland Sports and Outdoor Show, according to the Associated Press... and pinned it. The display drew the ire of PETA, a group that made the assertion that the exhibition was a display of cruelty towards the animal. Now, while PETA and I tend to disagree on several issues – not the least of which is Pam Anderson's relevance in today's society – I have to at least partially commend them for condemning this wrestling show.

That bear has no place in the world of wrestling. It is a cruel and vicious animal that would just as soon devour you like a Pop-Tart than look at you. And we all know how delicious Pop-Tarts are. Lance Palmer may be an unparalleled example of heroism to face off with a tamed black bear that was muzzled and declawed, but the bear still has plenty of ways to kill you. Let us not forget that their sheer weight would allow them to Banzai Drop any unsuspecting victim in the wild or in a more urban setting, such as a high school gymnasium. Bears have periodically attempted to get a foothold in the world of professional wrestling, but thankfully their efforts have been thwarted by either gallant grapplers who have pinned them in the middle of the ring, or by shifty promoters who have welched on paying the bears their share of the purse, forcing them to seek other forms of employment... such as working at circuses as stunt cyclists.

We must remain vigilant in our intolerance towards the bear species and always remember that even though they may appear cute and cuddly in plush form, these terrible abominations of the wild would destroy America and American wrestling if we let them.

Well, that's it for this week. Join me next time as we continue our tireless work to preserve the values that we hold dearest. A steel chair is a practical weapon of choice, Divas are best seen and not heard, and the referee's decision is final. Have a safe week, America, and as a parting gift I leave you your moment of Zen.

Tracey Smothers Vs. A BEAR

I can't believe Gordon Solie puts over a bear on commentary. I'm so disappointed.

*NEW GALLERY* The Hardy Boys X-Mas PARTY with TNA/WWE Stars! Must See!!

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