The Boss Report: Batista, Mark Henry, and "All You Need To Know" (Main Page Column Debut)
    Submitted by Boss Foxx on Sunday, July 23, 2006 at 6:05 PM EST



    This week:

    - If Batista trips on his lines and no one's around to hear, does he make a sound?

    - Jennifer Walcott drops out of the WWE Diva Search. Which one was she again? Oh right, the one with the fake tits.

    - Mark Henry is injured... again. Who had “July 15” in the LoP office pool?


    When it comes to wrestling, I always tell the truth... even when I lie. This is




    Thanks for joining me, folks. I'm Boss Foxx, and it's morning again in Lords of Pain. If you've been looking for a column that gives it to you straight, instead of cow-towing to the I.W.C. (“Internet wrestling community” for those who still rally against the acronym), then you've come to the right place. And I think we've got ourselves a good column here to set off my main page debut – a catalyst, if you will. You can practically see the sparks jumping off the monitor, this thing is so electrifying. Oh wait. That might actually be something wrong with my monitor. I should probably get that looked at. And possibly wear protective goggles for the remainder of my time typing here.


    In any event, good ol' Calvin asked me to step onto the main page as a columnist. At first I was a little hesitant, considering it had been such a long time since I'd regularly written a wrestling column. I wasn't so sure that I could “cut the mustard”. But then I realized that the I.W.C. needed a voice for the people. I realized that readers needed a beacon of integrity and completely unbiased opinion towards WWE and sports-entertainment as a whole. I know folks are tired of hearing about how terrible the state of professional wrestling is these days. Well, I'm here to help. Facts be damned, I'm going to give you the good news about sports-entertainment – the gospel, if you will. And I dare say that I'll do it in a fair and balanced manner too.


    First of all, big news, people. Batista is back. WHOOO! Yeah, babay! It's been too long, my friend. I was really starting to miss those simplistic promos of yours. Way too many wrestlers these days try to make a poignant statement when they've got the microphone, but not you, sir. You take it in a whole 'nother direction and I commend you for that. I can still envision that stirring speech you gave upon your return to Smackdown just a couple of weeks ago – truly moving. Something to the effect of, and I hope I get this right, “Grrr. I'm back. Mark Henry, I'm gonna kick your ass!” Wow. You don't get much better than that these days.


    Now, I know some fans might be critical of your mic skills, Dave, but don't let the haters get to you. There are so many more of us loyal WWE fans that are able to appreciate all that you bring to the table. Take your physical conditioning for instance. Who else in WWE is as willing as you to sacrifice cardiovascular endurance, reduced sperm count, and the onset of severe mood swings all to maintain such an admirable physique... particularly with a “Wellness Program” in full swing? Who I ask you?


    You're a hero, good sir, and don't let anyone dare to tell you different. Vince McMahon sees the big picture when it comes the Animal, Batista. Why else would he give such a monstrous push to the main event in such a short period of time to a man in his late 30s with limited mat skills and a notoriety for being injury prone? It's a stroke of genius is what it is. I mean, why promote a wrestler with a more charismatic persona, stronger grasp of wrestling fundamentals, and ability to steer away from debilitating injury for long periods of time, when they've got you, Dave? It's like a breath of air.


    Welcome back. You were sorely missed. As sorely missed as you will be the next time you take a seemingly generic bump in the ring, forcing yourself back onto the shelf.


    Sadly, there is an almost ying-yang balance to Batista's return to Smackdown. In case any of you have been living under a rock with your eyes closed and your ears placed firmly over your ears, here's what I'm referring to [from wwe.com]...


    "Tuesday afternoon in Birmingham, Alabama, Dr. James Andrews performed surgery on Mark Henry to repair the knee injury Henry suffered in a Six-Man Tag Team Match at Saturday Night’s Main Event.


    Following the surgery, WWE doctor Ferdinand Rios spoke with Dr. Andrews, who revealed the full extent of Henry’s injury; Henry tore his patella tendon completely off the bone, and also split his patella (kneecap) completely in two.


    Henry’s surgery was successful, but the time frame for his recovery is unknown. The optimistic prognosis is that he will miss about eight months."


    It's almost as if these two powerhouses can't occupy the same space at the same time without one or the other becoming injured. They're like the sun and the moon, these two. Only instead of a sun and a moon, you've got a 400+ pound power lifter with corn-rows and a tatted-up bouncer with a Mr. Spock haircut. But hey, it's still kind of poetic when you think about it.


    Poorly constructed similes aside, I feel I must be the voice of reason to Mark Henry's detractors. Ever since the World's Strongest Man made his triumphant return to action, it seems that the entire I.W.C. has been anxiously awaiting his inevitable failure. Well, I am pleased to say that Mark managed to make those nay-sayers eat a little crow with each day that he remained healthy... until his inevitable failure on July 15.


    Any schmuck with a keyboard can prattle away with predictions on when Mark Henry would injure himself. Hell, he injured himself every year for the past ten years practically. It's like predicting rain on a cloudy day – the odds are in your favor. The real bravery of a WWE fan comes from ignoring the glaringly obvious fragility of Henry's ample frame to appreciate that the guy keeps coming back for more. Honestly, I've seen dogs take less time trying to carry a large stick in their mouths through a narrow door than Henry has taken time in rehabilitating himself from countless injuries.


    Now a lot of the Gloomy Gus' are going to be shouting from the rooftops that this is finally the end of Mark Henry's WWE career, and to them I ask... If WWE didn't have the sense to get rid of Henry the other 9 times he got put on the shelf, what makes you think this is going to be any different? Mark Henry is here to stay. Sure, he might have to spend another year and a half in OVW trying to shake off the ring rust that hangs like barnacles from his muscular bosom, but he's a long term investment... like amphibious cars and e-business. Personally, I prefer to look on the bright side of this time without Mark Henry and see it as a really long countdown until his inevitable return to in-ring duty. Get well soon, Mark. May your patella heal as quickly as your shoulder... and your quadriceps... and your triceps... and, well, all the other parts of your anatomy that have had to undergo surgery and rehabilitation.


    Meanwhile, Mr. Kennedy will replace Mark Henry in his scheduled match with Batista. I commend Vince McMahon for this booking decision, as Kennedy is no doubt the most qualified character to replace the World's Strongest Man in a main event caliber match against Smackdown's golden boy, Batista. Now there might be some critics out there that will be tempted to point out that Kennedy has been de-pushed as of late, even losing to Matt Hardy of all people not more than a week ago on Smackdown - his first televised loss since debuting in WWE. Well, to those critics I say, look around and find a more qualified wrestler on the Smackdown roster. There are none. Simon Dean? Tatanka? Matt Hardy? Ha, I say. Ha. It's almost as if WWE purposefully painted themselves into a corner just days before their Great American Bash event just to showcase Mr. Kennedy once more. Of course, the Wisconsin native is most likely to lose his match with the former World Champion, but that's not the important thing to focus on here. What's important is that WWE always has a back-up plan... even when that back-up plan undermines and contradicts everything their previous booking has dictated.


    Now to turn the focus of this column into a more cheerful direction, let's take a look at some of the headlines. If any of you are like me, then you probably need to get your blood-pressure checked. Why did God make bacon so delicious? You'll also be a little frustrated with some of reports that you read on the various wrestling websites out there in the I.W.C. The spin that is used is so many reports is abhorable these days, and only serves to create confusion and misinformation to loyal readers. Well, help is here as I break down the biased tripe into its most digestible and “Boss Foxxable” components in a segment I like to call...





    First up, Papa Bear himself, Jim Ross is set to start writing his very own column once again starting on August 1st. This time, however, my mentor will be writing for the “Oklahoma University Insider”. It's been reported to contain essentially musings on his affinity for OU sports and his wrestling career.


    All you need to know? GO SOONERS!!!


    On former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler's official website, she announced that her contract has officially come to an end and she has now signed a development contract with Touchstone Television, a sister studio to ABC. Under this contract, she will either star in a new pilot or become part of an existing television series through the studio.


    All you need to know? “Ghost Whisperer” might be hiring. I hear Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs are starting to wilt, if you catch my drift.


    Dave Meltzer is reporting that the members of the Spirit Squad were informed by WWE staff following their appearance on last week's “Raw” that the group would be broken up very soon. No details were given as to whether certain members would be removed to singles action or all members entirely, disbanding the group, effectively bringing an end to their dominance of the tag-team division.


    All you need to know? What tag-team division?


    In Canada, “Monday Night Raw” will no longer be aired on TSN beginning in the fall. Instead, TSN's competitor of the north, The Score, will take the reigns in airing the weekly sports-entertainment juggernaut. TSN was notorious for preempting “Raw” to air live hockey, curling, and figure skating during the winter. TSN in the meantime will begin airing “Monday Night Football” this year, though there were no details given as to what would be aired Monday night's when the NFL season comes to a close.


    All you need to know? Curling coverage will be unaffected.


    This week a “reporter” on a wrestling “news” site cited an article that rumored that WWE.com had announced that a new member to D-X would be inducted this week on “Monday Night Raw”. Also in the article, the “reporter” stated that he had learned who the third mystery member was and provided a spoiler link for those that wished to find out early. Upon closer inspection, the links provided to WWE's website and to the spoiler are actually to another wrestling “news” site in a misleading effort to provide hits to those particular sites. As should be expected, there is no third member joining D-X anytime in the near future.


    All you need to know? Said “reporter” has no balls... and his site lacks any kind of integrity to speak of. I know that's not much of a punchline, but it's definitely true nonetheless.


    Rob Van Dam and Sabu were pulled over for speeding on an Ohio highway earlier this month. When they and the car were searched by the authorities, 18 grams of marijuana, five Vicodin pills, nine other pills that were not immediately identifiable, and drug paraphernalia. After posting bond, RVD and Sabu were disciplined by WWE following an internal investigation into the incident. As a result, RVD was stripped of both the WWE and ECW championships and suspended without pay for 30 days. Sabu, on the other hand, was given a mild reprimand and remains on the active roster as well as being pushed heavily on ECW broadcasts.


    All you need to know? Don't car pool with Sabu.


    WWE.com is reporting that Bobby Lashley will be unable to compete in tonight's Great American Bash triple threat match for the US title against William Regal and defending champion, Finlay. As a result the PPV match will now be a one-on-one encounter between Regal and Finlay. WWE physician, Dr. Ferdinand Rios was quoted as saying, “During his annual exam, Bobby Lashley was found to have elevated enzymes of the liver; therefore, he is not cleared to wrestle until further evaluation.”


    All you need to know? Anabolic steroid use is often associated with an increased plasma activity of liver enzymes, according to SportsSci.org.


    Recent Diva Search drop-out, Jennifer Walcott, did an online interview where she stated that the reason she dropped out of the competition before it even began was because of scheduling conflicts and personal issues. Also in the interview she stated that she got along with everyone there and found WWE to be a very professional environment.


    All you need to know? She never met Randy Orton.




    Well, that's going to wrap it up for this week's report. I hope you all had as much fun reading this column as I had writing it, and if not... well, no refunds. Join me next time when I take a look at why WWE is passing up on a veritable goldmine by pulling the Great Khali from the Great American Bash and the active roster altogether. Also, I'll be taking a quick look ahead at the second best thing to watch during the summer - SummerSlam. What's the best thing to watch during the summer? Well, just ask any red-blooded American and he'll tell you... congressional campaign commercials.


    If you'd like to comment on my column or just generally tell me how grateful you might be to have read my helpful words, you can send me an e-mail to bossfoxx@gmail.com. You can also find me moderating the Columns Forum at www.lopforums.com, where I help foster the writers of today and tomorrow in their quest to become LoP columnists, just like yours truly. I'm like a role-model to the little tykes, I really am. Just ask them and they'll tell you how great I think I am.


    In parting, I'll leave you with a little something to help brighten your day. It's a little something that I "borrowed" from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, which I've liberated into the world of sports-entertainment. Take care, world, and remember... Boss Foxx is here for you. Now here it is, your moment of Zen...




    With a campaign platform like that, he's got my vote.




    *NEW GALLERY* The WWE Developmental Divas REVEALED! Must See Shots!

  • Quick Links -
    [Back to LOP] [News Archives] [Results] [Columns] [Forums]