Volume One of BC's Wrestling Menu
Submitted by BC on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 at 1:59 AM EST





Greetings, one and all. I'm BC, back with another edition of the column that's too sour to be sweet but still can't be beat, Volume One. Here's hoping the summer months are treating all of you as well as they are all of me.

I finally (!) got to watch TNA's Slammiversary this weekend, just in time to catch the 3AM replay of iMPACT, thanks to like eight and a half straight hours of UFC on SpikeTV. I like UFC as much as the next guy, but yeeesh. I guess the reality show thing they do is over now and somebody won, so congratulations to that guy... especially if it was the guy who pissed in the other guy's headgear. That was hysterical.

Oh, and if the guy who got his headgear pissed in won...

You still got a dude's piss all over your head. It's an empty victory.

APPETIZERS

The big news this weekend was WWE's first ECW-brand house show and the even more "newsworthy" reaction it got from the live audience.

Having been in attendance at WCW Bash At The Beach 1996 (the Hulk Hogan heel turn for all you kids out there... who really shouldn't be reading this shit) I know first-hand how an entertaining show can appear to be reviled. We filled the ring with garbage that night... and had a fuckin' blast. Anyone who saw it probably thought we went home unhappy, but no sir. We went home salivating, counting the seconds until Nitro where we could learn more of this "new world order of wrestling".

However, this weekend's WWECW show featured no such industry-altering event. In fact, it appears the most heat was directed towards a bikini contest which is a WWE house show, TV and even at times pay-per-view standard. For all intents and purposes, it sounds like a pretty ho-hum show, sprinkled with abbreviated yet passable matches.

So... what's the beef? Is this just a misunderstanding? Nothing terribly favorable or unfavorable occurred so... why the harsh response?

Let's take it a step further and jump in the Wayback Machine, plotting a course for two Tuesday's prior to today (tongue twisters rawk) and the Sci Fi Network's premiere of the ECW-brand show, widely regarded by most as... well, what's another word for the worst thing ever in the history of ever?

"Arquettish"?

Yeah, I saw it too... and I still smell it. I didn't bother with week two and ratings (got to love them little bitches) tend to indicate I wasn't alone. I was told it improved dramatically and I'm not the least bit surprised. It's sort of like being told cat piss on your carpet will smell better once it dries. It really has no other way to go if you think about it.

Still... shit, I've been watching a LOT of wrestling for a LONG time. Yes, Edge and Rob Van Dam's desperate attempts to pass themselves off as a championship-level match was entirely pathetic. Was it really any worse than The Lex Express though? John Cena decking Paul Heyman and getting cheered by the "ECW crowd" was mind-numbing... but was it worse than when ECW fans (the real ones, not WWE's seven-year-old stand-ins) popped like crazy for Sycho fuckin' Sid?

Shit, there was only ONE Zombie. RAW has FIVE cheerleaders on it every damn week!

Was Kelly's inability to get her bra off worse than Mae Young's inability to keep her's on? Finally, the dull as hell battle royal... would still be considered at least on par with any HeAT or Velocity squash in terms of overall entertainment value. Despite critical noise to the contrary, nothing featured on the show was the worst thing anybody's ever seen.

So what is it? Why did a show that clearly falls short of being as bad as fans say it was still have a large number of them gagging? More importantly, why did the vast majority of them (with an admitted notable deficit) return the next week and line up for another kick in the balls?

It's as simple as a pimple on the tip of your nose.

It's the same reason all of DaveyBoy's regular readers clicked their back buttons about ninety seconds ago.

False advertising.

WWE's ECW has some support, as all WWE-based ventures do. Who knows? The guy who actually paid to see See No Evil might be reading this right now. Of course, I presume he committed suicide, but you never know. On top of the prescribers to McMahon's special Kool-Aid, there are merely the hopeful among fans... or the forgiving. They are those who acknowledge the bad and hope for better. I would consider myself among them... but it just seems like a lot of effort.

And what are THESE people saying?

"You need to accept that ECW is never coming back! This is the 'new breed of extreme' (R) and it's not meant to be ECW! You need to get over the fact that ten years have passed! ECW is dead! Long live ECW!"

Etc., etc.

Detraction for detraction's sake is a common theme of wrestling fandom, especially in application to the internet. These crusaders against bashing for bashing's sake have a valid point, one that would be even better proven if they weren't simply bashing bashers for bashing bashers sake.

Then enter me, who's about to bash bashers who bash bashers just to bash bashers who bash bashers.

It's a vicious circle, huh?

Ask yourself this. Why not a WCW return? Why not bring back Nitro? Hell, Nitro got higher ratings than ECW on TNN and "ECW" on Sci-Fi combined, right? WWE owns the rights and the trademarks. They have most of the talent, some even still in working shape. Plus, an intrapromotional war based on an interpromotional war? Isn't that the same Kafkaesque logic WWE is shooting for with this new brand? Shit, they wouldn't even need to pay the 300 bucks for a new belt. Why not WCW?

Again, it's simple.

What would an audience expect from a reanimated WCW? Considering the last memories of WCW most fans have are 2000's hodgepodge and illogical booking, followed by the sloppily executed and equally illogical "invasion" and capped off by WWF's sound thrashing of them, bringing the story from start to finish in under a year...

Fans would expect it to suck...

Which is EXACTLY why WWE brought ECW back.

WWE understood an ECW return would generate a buzz... a buzz based on expectations. Couple that with a pair of far above average pay-per-views and you've got the makings of a successful brand...

Until you absolve yourself from that same responsibility.

If WWE wanted to introduce a third show of Sci-Fi with wacky characters, gratuitous sexual content, uninspired promos and sloppy in-ring action... why not call it RAW? Or SmackDown!? Or anything else? Why not call it “WWE Extreme” or “WWE Hardcore” or “WWE Xtreme with an X” or “WWE Another Grossly Overused Adjective From The Mid-1990s That Fails To Generate Interest But Is Still Grossly Overused To This Day”?

Or, to simplify... why “ECW”?

Guess what? This one is simple too.

It’s the WCW principle in reverse. ECW never tanked. It never died. It never had a “Night Of Champions” or even cataclysmic merger that was REALLY to blame (just kidding, Vince "won"... honest). All it had was a brief, supporting role in the “invasion” before disappearing. It retained it’s allure, it’s luster, it’s hypnotic grip over it’s fans.

And that’s what they wanted.

If WWE had simply started up another brand, what would the expectation be? We’ve seen for nearly five years the striking, almost eerie similarities between RAW and SmackDown! Wouldn’t a third brand merely follow the same course? Wouldn’t “WWE Extreme” quickly become another show with more ex-viewers than viewers?

Ah, but ECW... that carries an entirely different sentiment with it. To see ECW reborn would be to see your best friend from elementary school that moved away... five long years later. You’ve changed. So have they. Maybe, just maybe, you can recapture the magic of your friendship though. It’s not about wondering what might have been. It’s about the here, the now. It’s not about a romanticized perception of the past. It’s about a fascination and, dare I say in this instance, morbid curiosity about life, the paths we all walk, each leading us in different directions.

It’s about doing something today that you didn’t do yesterday and can’t do tomorrow.

The reality is... that kid died. They died just after you saw them last.

There was no formal fall from grace or decline for ECW. It just died. There is no bringing it back. There never was. You knew that. You’re old enough to realize the ramifications, the finality of death. It is the end.

WWE made a very calculated decision in promising to bring ECW back, and they did so knowingly and willingly. They knew the promise of a resurrection would bring people in. It would command attention and interest. Truthfully, it’s a brilliant idea.

Brilliant... in it’s impossibility.

It’s the same thing that happened earlier this year when WWE booked God in a match. I really hate to believe WWE thinks so little of it’s fans to think they actually believed God would show up, but a part of me does believe that. However, there are some key differences. First off, nobody wanted to see God wrestle. In the event He decided to return to Earth for a day, I (and I hope all of you) would sincerely hope He would spend His time doing something a bit more meaningful than professional wrestling.

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind seeing Vince’s Adam’s apple bob up and down seconds before he received an Almighty bitch slap, but I can think of a lot more terrorists and warlords and child molesters and illegal file sharers who deserve a Heavenly taste of whoop-ass much more.

A resurrected ECW, on the other hand, fans want. They crave it. Most importantly, they’ll pay to see it. Some truly believe it can be done. I don’t, but some do. Others realize it can’t. Still others think it shouldn’t. There’s all sorts of opinions on the matter, but one constant...

It was promised to all.

That’s the key there. WWE got a leg up with this new brand by calling it “ECW”. That built-in audience, both skeptical and hopeful, was already tuned-in. “WWE Insert Goofy Name Here” wouldn’t have carried that kind of weight. However, by invoking the name of “ECW”, WWE made the promise of just that... ECW.

And here I go, living in the past again... remembering things as better than they were... losing touch with reality... refusing to get with the times.

No.

WWE coupled that with the promise of something different. On their own volition, they admit that this will not be ECW as it was, but instead a “new breed of extreme”... whatever that means. Those under the assumption ECW can be recreated simply chose to focus on that, but the experienced (please note: not “smart”) skeptics were taken under a different spell. This wouldn’t be ECW, but it would be a change of pace from the monotony of five years of WWE, beginning, middle and end.

Something... anything... different. That, for me and countless others, was enough. It wouldn’t the scrumptious worm WWE desperately alluded to, but it was shiny enough a lure to nibble on.

And that’s where this whole thing unraveled.

Let’s ignore the idiots who expected straight-up ECW to return, the people who actually believed Heyman was going to get the book and magic would ensue and tables fire sex blood awesome. Fuck those idiots. I’m speaking strictly of the disillusioned whose expectations were firmly rooted in reality. I’m speaking of the people who tuned in knowing that ECW would not spread out before them, but believed something... anything... different would.

Those people, myself included, got fucked.

It was an hour-long RAW. Period. It was the exact same show they watched the night before, complete with aborted matches, nonsensical characters and mindless titillation. Enjoyable? To some... but not to those seeking refuge under the new umbrella of “ECW” from the rain of RAW. To them, it was just another slap in the face and another reminder that it’s WWE or it’s “go fuck yourself because we control your TV”.

And who’s unrealistic here? Why, of course, just as was the case when the crowd “turned” on John Cena (and of course not when bookers virtually castrated the character), it’s the fans being “defiant” and “controversial”. It’s our fault we don’t like it. We had unrealistic expectations.

No. We got promised something we knew we’d never get... and we held our promise makers accountable for THEIR actions.

My name is BC and every so often, I sit down and I write a column in hopes that somebody out there will read and enjoy it. That column, when I write it, is called Volume One. It’s not called the Wrestling Menu. The Wrestling Menu is written by DaveyBoy. Chances are, you’ve already read it this week.

I do not write that column, nor could I. If I tried, even without sarcastic intention, it could at best be described as a cheap, shoddy imitation of DaveyBoy’s column. That is why I do not strive to do so. Instead, I write Volume One, promising only that it will be something different.

Tonight, some of you may have clicked this link under false pretenses. If you planned to read The Wrestling Menu, you should’ve known better. However, your mistake is not entirely your own. For my part, I made you believe that’s what you were getting.

It is not your fault if it failed to meet your expectations. Don’t allow me or anyone else to force you to take the fall for it.

And remember, dinner is a meal best served in three courses... and by someone who knows how to serve it to you that way.

Later.

THE FOREIGN CAPITAL OF THE WEEK
It's a big week for the FCOTW because this week's capital isn't just the capital of a country, it's the capital of an entire continent! That's right, folks. It's Canberra, the seat of government for Australia. Okay, so it's not exactly THE "capital of a continent" since Oceania consists of some other capitals too. For instance, former featured city, Wellington in an Oceanian capital. What's "Oceania", you ask? Read here and see, so I can be... part of your worrrrrrrrrrrrrld.








*NEW GALLERY* AMAZING Up Close BACK Shots of WWE's Maryse! WOW!

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