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Submitted by Morpheus on Sunday, May 21, 2006 at 7:10 PM EST
 Volume Fifty-Two – The Rant Zone: World Titles 05/21/2006 Welcome, Dreamers, to the Fifty-Second Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. Well, the move is finally complete and I’ve gotten settled in the basement of a lovely house in Port Jefferson Station. It’s a bit weird going from an apartment with 8 ½ foot ceilings to one with 6’4” ceilings, especially when you’re 6’2”, and it’s a little weird getting used to living with 5 other people when you’re accustomed to living alone, but other than that the rent is cheap, so no more bitching from me. It’s been a hell of a few weeks getting life back in order, but I think it’s finally coming together for me, at least a little. Gotta give mad props to the peeps who dropped love on either me or Steve after the last column. I haven’t responded to everyone yet, as I wanted to get a hold of him first so I could send along his thoughts as well, and I haven’t been able to do that yet. I hope to within the next week, and then rest assured you’ll be getting some Ayatollah love in the near future. Hopefully he’ll be getting his ass a computer sooner than later so he can do this shit himself, as going over the phone like that is quite the difficult experience. I’d better be on that bitch’s Christmas list, that’s all I have to say. Now, enough banter, it’s time to get to it. Hopefully you will find this Fifty-Second sojourn through the Dream Realm both enlightening and entertaining. So, without any further ado, let the Dreams begin!  - Bobby Lashley, or as I like to call him, Black Lesnar, has made his way into the Finals of the King of the Ring Tournament, and I couldn’t be happier. Of course, he’s more than likely going to lose to Booker T, but it’s the thought that counts. I still can’t get over how much Lashley looks like a roided out Wayne Brady, and as time passes Booker looks more and more like a cross between Busta Rhymes and Sho’ Nuff. Still though, I am looking forward to crowning our first Black King since Mabel. We all saw how that turned out… - Beth Phoenix is magically delicious. I can’t wait to see more of her as the weeks go by. She may be a bit slow on the stick, but that’s nothing a little practice can’t fix. - That thinly veiled sexual innuendo there was completely unintentional. - That killer Trampoline Bulldog we saw Mikey pull off on RAW was quit impressive to say the least. I haven’t seen an effeminate male fly that high since the Spider-Man. Yes, I went there. These guys in the Spirit Squad may be annoying as fuck, but a couple of them are pretty god damn impressive in the ring, which is the important part. Still, though, if they’re going to cheer, they need to work on their timing.  The Rant Zone: World Titles People who have read my column before know that aside from my off-handed sarcastic remark or snide criticism, I’m generally a pretty positive guy when it comes to wrestling. I genuinely enjoy watching it, and most of the things that seem to drive other people insane, I still somehow manage to take with a grain of salt and enjoy, sometimes in spite of the obvious hair-ripping qualities it may have. I have watched wrestling this way for years, and I have been happy and content with it. However, right now, I have to say that I see something going on with both of the WWE brands that is driving me absolutely insane, and I have finally blown my top and I have to bitch about it just a little bit. Forgive me for going all Dennis Miller up in here. What the fuck are they doing with the World Titles? Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but watching the World Title situation on both RAW and SmackDown! recently has made me want to hire a stiletto-heeled stripper to tap dance on my testicles to alleviate the pain of what I’m seeing. The last several weeks of action surrounding the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship have made my inner child weep like it was just spanked repeatedly with a spiked ping-pong paddle. While both title scenes are enough to whip me into a murderous clocktower sniper-like rampage, they are doing so for two completely different reasons. Let start with what is probably the less obvious one for most people, though more obvious for anyone who knows me, and talk about the WWE Championship on RAW. For the last year plus, the WWE has booked John Cena to be more of an unstoppable force than Superman on PCP, which has had both its good and bad points. Booking him in such a manner has taken much of the excitement out of watching him defend the title, as we’re already pretty fucking sure as to what the outcome is going to be. That’s why it was such an amazing shock and surprise, not to mention a hell of a smart move, when Edge cashed in his Money In The Bank shot and beat Cena for the strap at New Year’s Revolution. Just as a reminder, I was there live, fourth row, and I began marking out like an eleven year old boy that just figured out what the thing between his legs is for. Now, ejaculatory habits aside, allow me to return to the point of this portion of the tirade, already in progress. The WWE had gotten themselves into a position where they might as well have just changed Cena’s ring name to SuperCena and been done with it, because there wasn’t any way in Hell he was going to be losing a big marquee match anytime soon. You could tell that by how quickly he regained his belt from Edge at Royal Rumble, exactly three weeks removed from his title loss. So, it looked to the watching world that Cena was going to go on plowing through the roster and remaining just as invincible as Super Mario when he sucked back one of those uber-psychedelic trippy sparkle stars that popped out of the sewer pipes. Until, that is, Triple H made his presence felt. Finally, it looked like the Goliath marketing machine had met his proverbial David in the form of the man referring to himself as the King of Kings. Finally it seemed that the invincible master of the mountaintop would be proven fallible at the hands of the Ten Time World Champion. Finally, it looked like I was going to get a respite, however brief, from seeing Cena clog up every useful bit of airtime in the Main Event scene, and get a glimpse of the light again by having Triple H back where he belonged. Finally, somebody was going to go all Warrior and shit and dethrone the modern-day Hogan from his lofty pedestal atop the sports entertainment pantheon. Finally, I had someone to place my faith in to defeat the one guy who more than any other has caused a violent reverse peristaltic reaction in my fragile esophagus. Once again, as so many times before, my faith proved to bring me only heartache and sorrow, as WrestleMania once again saw John Cena retain his title, by making HHH tap, no less. Then the ensuing weeks saw John Cena getting the upper hand over Triple H when it counted more times than the gray spy would beat both the black and white spies whenever he would appear in Spy vs. Spy vs. Spy. Maybe it’s just the Hunter Mark in me, or maybe it’s the pure wrestling fan locked deep inside my soul, but this is just a travesty of justice, plain and simple. When Batista repeatedly owned HHH last year, it was at least done in a positive and believable way. Cena repeatedly beating Triple H has been neither of those two things, and has led to a renewed invincibility because let’s face it, if HHH can’t beat him, who can? The crowd has proven to be quite divided in recent times, and these happenings are only serving to polarize them even more. By having Cena continually retain his title long beyond his Use By Date, the wrestling fans who appreciate a good match and are tired of seeing Marky Mark run amuck with the bling belt are becoming more and more disenfranchised, and if you listen to the crowd reactions, there are more and more of us with each passing minute. What they are doing by continuing to push Cena over all comers, particularly HHH, is making all of the 14 year olds and wiggers happy at the expense of the rest of the fan population which is about as smart as sticking your nuts in a box fan to try to cool them off. As enraging and blatantly retarded as the title situation is on RAW, at least to smart people like me, the scene on SmackDown! is downright criminal. It seems that they are throwing every possible behemoth into little Rey Rey’s path to prove to everyone watching that Rey is actually about 2 inches shy of qualifying as a midget. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t losing matches to all of them each and every week. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that Rey has been given a run with the World Title, and I think he deserves it, but to have him lose week after week to “wrestlers” with about as much actual wrestling talent as a bowl of pubes is downright insulting. Please note that I was not referring to Kane just now. Just Mark Henry and The Great Khali. And JBL. Fuck that guy too. If I step back and think about it for a moment, I understand the logic behind the WWE booking these last few weeks the way they have for poor Rey Rey. It’s more twisted and convoluted than the small intestine of a cow with a colostomy bag, but the logic is still there. Basically, they are trying to show that Rey has an incredible amount of heart, even more than the Grinch after it grew those three sizes that day, and even though he just can’t overcome the odds placed against him when he faces such monstrous masses of human flesh, he still goes out there and gives it his all. A respectable and honorable champion indeed. However, that’s only part one. I think the underlying reason behind all of the squashing he’s undergone at the hands of these ogres is all leading up to a grander purpose: proving that he is NOT in fact a fluke champion and making his successful title defense against JBL that much more impressive and shocking. Let’s face it, with the way things stand right now, it looks like Rey has about as much chance of defeating JBL to retain his title as our lovely president George W. Bush has of properly pronouncing the word Nuclear. Rey has been booked to look like he has no chance in hell of defeating someone of JBL’s physical stature, which will only serve to increase the guttural reaction of excitement and surprise we will all feel when he accomplishes the impossible tonight and retains the belt that’s bigger than his diminutive torso. The only problem with going this route is they’ve managed to go about it in the worst possible way and have made Rey look weaker than watered down Gatorade in the process. The fact of the matter stands that no matter how good or noble their intentions for this storyline may have been, World Heavyweight Champion Rey Mysterio Jr. has suffered decisive losses to some of the most awful pieces of shit to ever fall from grace in a WWE ring. Please note again that I do not refer to Kane here. That was just a promotional tool for the movie, and that I can agree with. One week we have JBL getting the upper hand over the champion, after which he decides to test Rey’s heart and courage by booking him in a series of ridiculously out-sized matches against people who suck as much as or more than JBL himself, but who, like JBL, have a substantial size advantage over the Mexican Marvel. Next, we get Mark Henry lumbering out to the ring like a cave troll from Lord of the Rings and squashing the, and I emphasize this, WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, in a short and nearly effortless match. Then, we get The Great Khali, who is anything but Great, unless you are referring solely to size and lack of dental hygiene, in which case carry on, coming out and doing the same. Now, Mark Henry has at least had a few matches that could be described as “not eye-gouge-worthy” in his day, but Khali hasn’t done anything except fuck up attempts at looking dominant by poorly tossing around people less than half his size. Which he went ahead and did once more with Rey Mysterio. The WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. I can’t stress that enough. Had match stipulations been different, we could be seeing one of these two magnificent wastes of human sperm as our World Heavyweight Champion right now. Doesn’t that at least remotely frighten some of you out there? Because it scares the living shit out of me. Still, I can see the somewhat flawed logic behind doing what they are doing, and I can only expect that the results will pay off as anticipated when Rey does manage to pull out the win in a few short hours over the towering pile of suck known as JBL, and the crowd will pop like a box of microwave popcorn tossed recklessly into a bonfire at a frat house kegger. Then and only then will the purpose behind their plan, and the genius hidden within, be revealed for the world to see. Of course if Rey loses tonight, then fuck everything I just said and fuck the WWE for unceremoniously raping their WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION of his dignity and credibility without so much as having the common courtesy to offer a reacharound. Facts are facts, folks, and right now, as much as ever, I enjoy the Hell out of watching wrestling. I always have, and I always will. However, the direction that the world title scenes in the WWE seem to be heading right now is downright insulting to the fans and wrestlers involved alike. They need to fix the title situation on RAW toot-sweet, and they’ve backed themselves into a corner such that the only way to do that is to have Triple H beat Cena for the belt, and do it definitively. And for our sake, soon. Same deal with SmackDown!, only the sole fix there appears to be having Rey Mysterio overcome all the odds and retain his title against JBL, proving his detractors wrong in the process. The WWE is on dangerous ground right now when it comes to their top straps, and if they don’t tread carefully, they could be finding their carefully balanced plans for their World Titles thrown into the air like Jamie Noble after riding a seesaw with the Big Show. Certain things in wrestling are sacred, and Championship Belts are one of them. They need to grab the bull by the horns and do the right thing by those belts before it’s too late and their worth plummets faster than Enron stock did a while back. The answers are obvious, and if they pull their heads out of their respective asses long enough to take a look around before going back for seconds, they’ll see that their course of action is clear: Make Triple H the WWE Champion, and keep the World Heavyweight Title on Rey Mysterio… At least until Batista gets back. Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.  - The Great Khali lets out more stink when he steps into the ring than a freshly opened bag of asses. The Douchebag can’t even get the intimidating giant act right. This guy needs a toothbrush, a hair style, and about 6 more years of wrestling training before he is allowed to come back to SmackDown! after Undertaker lays his Indian ass flat. Anything less than the above demands and I will be sorely disappointed. - Something about seeing Vince and Candice making out on RAW makes me question my faith in humanity. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t take full advantage of the situation and use more tongue than an anteater looking for dinner. You just know she goes and throws up after the camera’s off her. - Terry Funk looks like SHIT. I’m all for the nostalgia thing, and I think it’s great that he can walk and all, but somebody need to tell the Funker it’s time to hang up the boots for good because I’ve seen more believable and realistic punches thrown in Broadway plays. It’s ok if you disagree, it just means you’re wrong and need to fuck off. Now, Terry never looked young, and I know this. I’m pretty sure he was born 40. But fuckin’ A, man, enough is enough. If he comes back to ECW, I give him 3 matches before he shatters a hip. Or worse.  Edguy – Rocket Ride I have been waiting all fuckin’ year for this album to come out, and it finally did about a month or so ago. Edguy is one of my favorite bands, and they are a shining example of the fact that Metal is alive and well, even in today’s world mired with talentless bands and emo. Hailing from Germany, these guys rock like few other bands, and have both a serious and funny side to them, which is rather appealing in a time filled with depressing music. Instead of going on and on about it, I want you to click here and download an mp3 of the song The Asylum, which is track 6 from this CD. Listen to it and let me know what you think. I doubt you’ll be disappointed. Give it a listen and enjoy. Metal is Forever, mother fuckers. Never forget that.  As you slowly return to consciousness, the last whisperings uttered from the lips of the Dream Master encourage you to check out three particularly outstanding columns in the forums: Boss Foxx – A Faith Based Guide TO Choosing Your Favorite Wrestler Part II Boss Foxx – My House, My Rules III RIPBossman – Hardtime #71: Civil War This brings to a close this Fifty-Second Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. Any feedback you have, as always, would certainly be greatly appreciated and can be sent to me via email at morpheuslop@gmail.com. I hope that those of you that haven’t yet will take the time to check out some of the great writers we have in the LOP Columns Forum. Until the next time we do this, sleep well, and I’ll see you in your Dreams! Contact Me! Email: morpheuslop@gmail.com AIM: MorpheusLOP MSN: morpheusreturns@optonline.net Yahoo: MorpheusLOP Hit me up on MySpace! All the cool kids are doing it! PLUGS!  Click here to visit pt2’s Wrestling Fan’s Hall Of Fame!!! 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*NEW GALLERY* Very RARE and Personal Backstage Photos of the WWE Divas!
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