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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, May 21, 2006 at 6:39 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Judgment Day – FOR ME! Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman. John Cena’s bestest buddy on the web. And as such, allow me to say, Cena is still single. That was actually MY girlfriend he was seen with. Hey, if it worked for Rock Hudson… So yeah, in case you may not know, a rumor was floating around about Cena having a girlfriend, and on his WWE web program, he went off on the net about revealing things from his personal life, and how we net writers only talk -“BRAWLER”- about him. I gotta say, I find those segments pretty funny. Cena actually shows some life when he’s not busy sucking H’s –“BRAWLER”_. Well, it’s been a pretty good week. Vacation was loads of fun. Won some money at the track. Won some money at roulette. Lost it all on a speeding ticket. So, yeah, almost broke even. But this here be a wrestling column! So, let’s talk some wrestling! After this email, from my man Dan: Hiya Wevv, Just read your column for the week (thanks for the "mad genius" description. I'm thinking of adding that to my business cards: "Daniel McDaniel, Government Sniper, Mad Genius, Snappy Dresser, and All-Around Swell Guy"). Daniel McDaniel isn't my real name, by the way. Us Government Sniper types gotta have a believable alias. Oh crap. I said the quiet part loud. Anyhoo, you mention in our column that the next Lotteraft is a worthy subject for discussion, since the ECW show may be in the mix now too. I for one, am in hearty agreement, and again feel compelled to throw my hat in the ring and help you fill up your column with reader mail. Everybody wins! Except the other readers, who I hear are jerks anyway. I think they almost certainly have to include the ECW group in the deal, if for no other reason than there simply aren't enough old-school ECW guys who can carry the show; they need healthy guys in their primes, they need star power, and they need some rational excuse to take those kinds of guys from the main shows over to the new one. Actually, having some guy with a chip on his shoulder about going to the new show against his will might be a pretty great starting feud context for the ECW show. Like if Edge were to get drafted over after all of his smacktalk. Hmm… I have my doubt that it will be Heyman in charge though. Whether there's anything to the rumors that he and Steph hate each other or not, I think he's been out of the spotlight for too long for most casual fans to connect with. "Casual Fans!?!?" all the ECW marks bellow, "ECW doesn't care about casual fans!" Maybe not, Lone Wolf, but Vince McMahon does, and it's his show now. There aren't enough leftover ECW fans to fill a shoebox full of dirt. WWE has to generate interest in a new show, not resurrect a dead one. Yeah, this ain't gonna be your Daddy's ECW. The popular former ECW guy that has been getting a little push recently is Tazz. In my opinion, using him as the first ECW general manager would be brilliant. The current crop of fans love the guy as an announcer (with good reason), the old fans will start screaming bloody chants of thanksgiving, and I will silently weep for the end of the best broadcast team in wrestling today. Of course that will all change when Michael Cole meets his new color-commentary partner: Heidenreich. This stuff really does write itself. Plus: built in Heyman Vs Tazz feud. Solid. Gold. So anyway, that's as far as I've thought it through so far. Here's a couple of ideas for roster switches: RAW to SD: Chris Masters: Put the Master Lock against the Ankle Lock, dammit! Umaga: This guy is getting traded, no mistake. Ric Flair: He's never going to win the Big Strap on RAW again; they may let him take it from Rey or JBL. SD to RAW: Jillian Hall: What's she doing wrestling on a show with no women's championship? Stupid. She's going over. Mark Henry: Henry vs Anybody but Rey or Kurt. Yay! Bobby Lashley: if they're as high on this guy as they seem to be, he'll end up on the premier show one way or another. To ECW? Snitsky, Golddust, and Eugene are a ready-made Insane/Retarded faction. Psicosis: Not much going on for him on SD: might as well let him go nuts on ECW. Maybe they'll let the returning Brock Lesnar (a onetime client of Heyman) pay his dues in the new ECW, far away from all the guys on RAW and SD that he pissed off when he left. I always dream of Lesnar returning. Don't steal my hope. Eh? -Dan Oh Dan. Even I’m not crazy enough to bring back Heidenreich, let alone give him a microphone. Funaki yes, Heidy, oh hell no. And thank you Dan, for giving me a great lead in to OAW this week. Folks, if you would like to talk about Dan’s lotteraft choices, feel free to post your comments in the Official Ridin’ With The Bossman feedback thread, which can be found HERE! Now, what happened this week in wrestling on TV? Let’s find out. WWE TV – The Series Raw We Start Things Off With H H comes out, for his title match with Cena. Since a title match is never the opening bout, we know something is up, And here comes Vince. Who makes a cluster of a match. Not only in the Heavyweight Championship on the line, so will the Intercontinental Championship be on the line. In the same match. So, we got RVD, Shelton Benjamin, John Cena, H, and Chris Masters (for some reason). And it was a helluva match. Stuff going on all over the place. But the end was H beating everybody up, and Shelton snuck in and covered RVD seconds before H covered Cena, three count, and Shelton gets the win, and the IC belt. So H beats up the ref. For the next couple of skits, we see H being mad. Trish Speaks Finally, they try to explain who the Blonde Chyna is. She’s Beth. She knows Mickie. Trish speaks to start things off and say it’s going to end. Trish does a very nice ONE HANDED Matrish. Beth appears, beats up Mickie, and say YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! We don't, but she does. And that gives us time to think up something, probably better than what they have in mind. But seriously, Beth looks like Chyna, and I wonder what Steph thinks of that, being all pregnant and stuff. I’m sure H likes it. This Week In Wrestling History The Only one who hasn't appeared on WWE TV after his falling out with Vince. Bruno Samartino. Hall Of Fame calling Bruno… Shane and H, Best Buds Very good segment with Shane telling H that it’s time to pay back the favor he owes Vince. SnitDust vs Spirit Squad I gotta say, those Spirit Squad goofs are growing on me. From their horrible cheers to the fact that those kids look like they’re having a great time and have some great moves. That trampoline bulldog was sweet. Spirit Squad wins. Mick and Terry Funk And the first inductee for the 2007 Hall Of Fame is….Terry Funk! Man, this went on forever. I’m really glad I had this on tape. Strong feeling of déjà vu throughout the thing. Poor Edge. He should be going after the belt. But no, he’s trapped in this. Oh well. Ending was Terry getting beat down. If this was all over a sandwich, I think it would be ten times as entertaining. -Tangent: Wevv Mang is proud to present, the Hardcore Legend Mick Foley and Hardcore Icon Terry Funk, kicking it old school, in NOT WITHOUT MY SANDWICH * Writers note: the entire dialog is in caps, because yes, they are shouting at each other. Try it. Put as much emotion and volume in your voice as you can, and entertain the neighbors. Mick: REMEMBR BACK IN 1987 IN SAN ANTONIO? YOU STOLE MY SANDWICH TERRY FUNK! Terry: NEVER MICK! I WOULD NEVER STEAL ANOTHER MAN’S SANDWICH! YOU’RE LIKE MY SON MICK AND I WOULD NEVER TAKE FOOD OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF MY CHILDREN! Mick: LIAR! I SAW THE MUSTARD ON YOUR MUSTACHE, TERRY! I SAW IT! BUT I WAS JUST A YOUNG KID LEARNING THE ROPES, AND DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE WAVES, BUT IT WAS YOU TERRY! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG! AND TO THIS VERY DAY, WHENEVER I SEE A FOOTLONG BMT WITH EXTRA LETTUCE AND ONIONS, I THINK BACK TO THOSE DAYS, DOWN IN TEXAS, AND I WONDER HOW I COULD HAVE BEEN SO NAÏVE TO LET A SANDWICH STEALING BASTARD LIKE YOU HOLD MY LIFE IN HIS HANDS! Terry: NO MICK, YOUR LIKE MY SON! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY SON! Mick: REMEMBER IN 1993, AT YOUR SON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY? DIDN'T YOU STEAL YOUR SON’S BIRTHDAY CAKE AND BLAMED IT ON THE HAMBURGLAR? Terry: YES MICK, I REMEMBER IT! THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES! THEY CAN BE AGAIN! MICK, I SWEAR TO YOU ON THE LIVES OF YOUR FAMILY, I WOULD NEVER, EVER STEAL YOUR SANDWICH! I’M NOT SOME LOW DOWN DIRTY SON OF A BITCH! Mick: OH YEAH TERRY? WHERE WERE YOU EARLIER TONIGHT? I HAD A FOOTLONG CHICKEN PARMESEAN FROM SUBWAY IN MY DRESSING ROOM AND WHEN I WENT BACK THERE MOMENTS AGO….IT WAS GONE! Terry: NO MICK! IT WASN'T ME, I SWEAR IT – Mick: LIAR! I CAN SEE THE SAUCE IN YOUR BEARD TERRY! YOU STOLE MY SANDWICH AGAIN! EDGE, GET THE BAT! The End. Carlito and Maria Good stuff. Maria seems ditzier than usual, but it works. Another guy who should be getting the big push. Umaga vs Jobber You know, when that Armando guy showed up, he showed a lot of promise. Now, it’s tired. And Jamal? Well, it’s all been said. Jamal wins. Kenny vs HBK Shane is the special guest ref, and H is in Kenny’s corner. Good match, with some great ref hijinks from Shane. And Shane shows us he can do a great backbreaker. Ending saw HBK getting beat up, Shane pulls out a sledgehammer, gives it to H, holds onto Shawn and of course, HBK moves and H hits Shane. Vince ran out, and yelled at H, as H walked up the ramp. Well, not the greatest, but it didn't suck. It was just kinda there. Oh, one last thing I want to touch on from Raw See No Evil Premier Did you hear the crowd going nuts? Then Kane shows up in his ring gear. Silence. Yeah, that was a horrible thing to do the guy. Kurt Angle couldn't stop laughing. And I can't blame him. And hear that joy in Kane’s voice when he said the movie allowed him to play out his fantasies? Yeah, way to make your guy, who has a movie, that could do really well, looks like a total putz. Smackdown Recap courtesy of Chad, whoops, it’s XtremeGirly this week JBL Speaks! And talk he does, going for all the cheap heat he can, and not getting much. He talks about beating Eddie, he talks about illegal immigrants, he talks about Rey, he says a lot of things. He then talked about playing with Fire. What day is it? Oh yeah. MNM vs Kendrick, London, and Jillian Nice match. Man, those cruisers can wrestle. And Nitro can move. Very fast paced, entertaining match, and the chicks helped spice things up. The Hooliganz and Girl win. Mark Henry Speaks And promises revenge! Nice job Mark. Still a credible threat. Booker and Sharmell Booker better win. Seriously. King Lashley just doesn't sound right. Lashley vs Jobber Lashely wins. After the match, he eyes the throne. Booker comes out, and backs him off, and we got commercial. Booker T and Finlay vs Benoit and Gunner Scott So, Gunner is Benoit’s protégé? OK then. Very good match. Nicely paced as well. A lot of time given to this match. End saw Lashley come out and sit in the throne. Sharmell saw him and yelled to Booker, who got distracted. Gunner snuck up on him and got the pin. Tatanka Returns! I just saw the end of the package. Next week, eh? What poor soul is going to be jobbing to him? My guess, Matt Hardy, since you know, he still has people cheering for him, and that’s not the plan at all. Daviari Speaks! He talks about Undertaker and how his time has come. WE get a video package that is unintentionally hilarious. Undertaker clips from the past year, say 75% of them, and then Khali, who is just shown as being real big. He also bops Taker on the head. His big move. Oh yeah, Taker has a lot to worry about. Mark Henry vs Matt Hardy Not bad. Matt carried Henry well. Henry sold spots for him, but mainly just countered Matt with power moves and his strength. Not bad at all. Look, we’ve seen a lot of big goofs over the years, you and I, and Mark is not the best (Lesnar and Lashley) nor the worst (Heidenriech and Matt Morgan). Now, Morgan may have improved over time, but Heidenreich was a waste of space. Mark is miles ahead of Heidenreich, and since Big Goofs will always be a part of the show, I’d rather have one I can stand. Hate Mark. Boo the crap out of him. But in your hearts, hold a little space for my sandwich lovin’ buddy, Mark Henry. Rey Speaks! Well, he starts to, and then JBL shows up again and takes all his mic time. Seriously, he talked on and on, and it was at the point I was just hoping for Rey to yell “Shut UP!” and he would have been cheered out of the building. But no, that crafty JBL made a simple question take seven minutes, and then Rey said the words “May 19th) and Kane appeared. Kane beat up Rey. Then went crazy. JBL got in the ring, and then, miracle of miracles, he TOOK A WRESLTING BUMP! The most action JBL has seen in MONTHS! AMAZING! So, yeah, here’s what the final card for Judgment Day, which is tonight, looks like: World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (Champion) vs. John "Bradshaw" Layfield? King of the Ring Tournament Finals: Booker T (with Sharmell) vs. Bobby Lashley? World Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Championships: MNM (Champions) vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick? World Wrestling Entertainment Cruiserweight Championship: Gregory Helms (Champion) vs. Super Crazy? Divas Match: Melina vs. Jillian Hall? One-on-One Match: The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali (with Daivari)? One-on-One Match: "The Crippler" Chris Benoit vs. Finlay? One-on-One Match: Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry SMELL THE EXCITEMENT! I’ll be there live, and all I’m hoping for is something to cheer about. It’s over a hundred degrees here, and well, here’s hoping. The big question is if Vince is going to let JBL hold both belts, and if so, for how long? I know Vince hates sharing belts. But if Rey is injured, well, but then again, if Rey isn’t winning, then what’s the point behind this burial? Three straight weeks of losing to big goofs. That could be used an excuse that he was “worn out”, and he could come back after a week and beat JBL on TV. Which would boost the ratings. And more people would see that than on PPV. The show is still not sold out. Just wait and see I guess. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Old Crufter Never Die or The Grave Is No Bar To My Paycheck Terry Funk is a legend. One of the all time greats. When word first went out that he was going to retire, he sold out arenas. Then he came back. Then he retired again, this time for good. One billion retirement matches later, and the guy keeps going. Back In the Day, Tatanka was a name. He had fans, and people chanted his name. A huge star? That’s debatable. But he was a name that people knew. Liked, maybe, but they knew it. A while back, one of the biggest names in wrestling made a return. Road Warrior Animal. The people cheered when he showed up, and then grew silent, as Road Warrior Animal stuck around, got the tag belts, and never left. It’s a trend. Bring back the old crufters, hope for a nostalgia pop, and then mild it for all it’s worth, and then send old crufter back to obscurity and trivia answers. And why do they keep bringing them back? Because of Hulk Hogan. Yes, it’s the Hulkster’s fault. You see, there’s a difference between a polite pop and a sincere pop. It’s like night and day. Take the pop for Superstar Billy Graham. People do cheer. But that doesn’t mean they want to see the guy in the ring. When Hulk Hogan shows up, the place goes nuts. People do want to see Hogan in the ring. It was that kind of crowd reaction that rejuvenated WCW. Hogan coming in to the promotion really put the show on the map. It was all good at first, and then went south, but that’s a story for another day. Oh, and things did get better for WCW. And again, it was mostly due to Hogan. When the place went nuts for Hogan, and business started picking up, the rush was on to bring back more old names from the past, throw them on TV, and hope that the money would come pouring in. It doesn't always work that way. Let us not forget the Vader reaction a few months ago. Vader hasn't been seen on TV in a long time. He came out as a surprise guest, and promptly fell out of the ring. Vader is old. He’s past his prime, and while maybe a great human being, his days of wrestling are long gone. But for every Vader, there’s an occasional Marty Jannetty. A guy who can still wrestle. In TNA, they recently brought back a bunch of old crufters, trying to get a ratings bump like they did with Sting. None of them worked out. Steiner is still there, but then again, he has a small role. Basically it’s up to you to decide how much seeing, say Hacksaw Jim Duggan, on your TV means to you. Most of the viewers were too young to remember Hacksaw’s work in WWE. Then again, some of us who were teenagers around that time don't have a better time of it. Age dulls memories. But there’s another promotion about to launch and about to bring back an altogether different type of old crufter. ECW is coming back and they’re bring back names from the past to lend “authenticity” to the promotion. Yes indeed, names like Tommy Dreamer! (Who, when ECW was about to fold, was reported to have serious back problems, and considering retiring, which is why he became a road agent) Balls Mahoney and Axl Rotten! Two big fat guys. I think part of their popularity back in the day wasn’t that they were big fat guys, but they were big fat guys who were brutal and took part in hardcore matches. That was something you didn't see every day. Two big fat beating the hell out of each other, and extremely brutal hardcore matches period. Lance Storm! Lance retired due to injuries, and while he made a great comeback last year, wasn’t the most over person in WWE. Sabu! A hardcore legend, who is beaten, battered and hurt. He just showed up in TNA, and worked injured. Still, a popular figure. ECW folded six years ago, and made a big comeback last year. Now, it’s more than just another show, it’s the start of another promotion. Using names from the past helped out a non-ECW re-union show last year. For a short period of time. When they tried to keep it going, it tanked. Which goes to show, that nostalgia figures can work short term, but long term is another story. Putting old names on an ECW roster has a different sort of problem however. The style of wrestling. Six years ago, newsblurbs were full of injury reports about these men and women. It was amazing how they kept going. Now, six years is a lot of time, and can help heal old wounds, but some of these guys kept going, on the Independent scene, and in other failed promotions. Adding to the list of injuries. If ECW is hoping to go beyond just one show, then can it really count of these old vets to keep the momentum going? And are these really the names that people are clamoring to see in the first place? See, the names of ECW didn't fade away. They got picked up by both WWE and TNA. They’re still active. Now, the appeal would be a nostalgic one, to see these stars in the same environment they started out in. Like RVD going back to the ECW arena and giving us a match like he did when younger, or seeing the Dudley Boys give us another match with lots of tables, and big bumps. That’s the main appeal of these old crufters, I believe. That they remind us of the way things used to be, after time has wiped clean the memories. It’s more the flavor than the name. It’s the old schtick that could work just as good if done by some one else, updated for the times. Except for Hogan, who is in a league all his own. Hulkamania will never die. But that’s why he’s Hulk Hogan and not Kamala. That’s it for today. Yeah, kinda lost my train of thought at the end there. Sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you next week. Right now, I am literally out the door again. JUDGMENT DAY AWAITS! But some quick Newsblurbs first. Samoa Joe Injured The Curse of Kevin Nash begins! Multiple torn ligaments in his knee. That is really serious. That’s months of recovery. Now, it may seem like stretch to blame Nash directly, and I’m not. I’m saying that karma is working. You bring in Nash, and bad things happen. Ask WWE, WCW, and everywhere else he works. It’s the poison that is Nash. It’s not too late TNA, you can put a stop to this. Just job Nash. Let him loose to 2 X-Division guys, and then, for a finale, let him job in record time to Spike Dudley. Then, when he’s about to get up and speak, have the other Dudley Boys show up, throw him off the stage and then never put him on your airwaves again. It’s the only way. Before it’s too late. See No Evil Made 4.4 million this weekend, while the Da Vinci Code made a whopping $70 million. Still not a bad opening number. Who am I kidding, it is. Doesn't make it a flop though. It made money and will keep making money. Memorial Day is coming up, and that’s a prime movie going time. Hell, it’s when I plan to see the film. So, good luck Kane. Good thing they made you a joke at your premier. And with that, it’s time to call it a day. Next week, I’m thinking of doing another audio show. But we’ll see. Quick plugs for now, and then I’m outta here. But not before another Hot Chick Pic. Victoria Crawford, The Other WWE Diva Signee  QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. DVD Fanatic, the Ultimate DVD Resource Feeling Creative? Check out The Project. And a special link this week. Be sure to check out The Column Of The Month! April Column Of The Month - The World According To Rommel Until next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com
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