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Submitted by Morpheus on Saturday, April 22, 2006 at 5:04 AM EST
Pulp Wrestling – Ahoy Matey! Hello everyone and welcome to a very special ECW edition of Pulp Wrestling. I am your head host and column writer Jules, and you are my loyal and beloved reader, you. As always, it's ever so nice of you to have found your way to my humble little chunk of the world wide web. So hopefully you will not regret your decision to click and read this little column of mine. It was written up on short notice out of neccessity, but I hope you will find it enjoyable nonetheless. Now enough of this useless chitter chatter. Let's dive into the real meat and bones of this bad boy already. So watch your step folks, as you are about to once again be sent cascading down the trecherous ice covered canyon that is...  In the ethos of modern wrestling there have been many attempts to create succesful gimmick matches. Some of have been great and worked ( I.E War Games, Hell in The Cell, Elimination Chamber) while others have sucked and therefore failed to produce results ( I.E The Kennell From Hell Match, and The Blindfold Match). In this column I have been assigned the task of creating an exciting and original concept for a new gimmick match. While doing this there are few things I must keep in mind, the bar for gimmick matches as a whole have been raised on numerous occasions. It went up after HBK vs Razor Ramon at Wrestlemania X and it was pushed to limits that will probably never be seen again in Mankind vs Taker from Hell in the Cell at the King of the Ring in 1998. I must first start this off by saying that while I'm a fan of gimmick matches occasionally, I feel when they are overdone it can make the business look like a total joke. However with that being said, when used sparingly they can add alot to the product and to my own personal entertainment. There is a certian indy fed called CZW ( You've heard of them right?) that has an annual gimmick match called 'Cage Of Death'. I've seen a few of these things, and let me tell you, my hats off to everyone who competes in those matches because they all have testicles bigger than the Empire State Building for trying half of that crazy shit that they do. For those of you unschooled on the finer aspects of the 'Cage Of Death' , from the few I've seen it's basically two rings ( with one of them being filled with millions of thumbtacks) with a scaffold hanging over each ring, and a cage over the second ring. It's quite possibbly the most insane thing I've ever seen in the United States. However, in the end what do those type of matches accomplish? Is there really that much money to be made by maiming yourself? If that were the case then every two-bit backyard wrestler in this world would probably be a millionare by now. But alas, that is not the case. It is only when the matches are both entertaining and action packed that you will begin to attract the casual audience into your product. So it is with that, that we will now begin to get into my idea for 'The Ultimate Gimmick Match' Now when I first saw this topic in the ECW thread made by RIPbossman, my first reaction was 'Fuck!.. I'm a goner for sure now,' I really thought I had walked the proverbial plank so to speak, but then it hit me. All at once like the feeling you get when you discover that you are truly, madly deeply and passionately in love with someone for the first time. My mind began to drift away to late Friday nights that I had previously spent watching the humorous antics of WWE's only current wrestling pirate, Paul Burchill. Then I thought to myself, how about a 'Walk The Plank' scaffold match. To my knowledge the scaffold match is one of the few, if not the last idea that WWE hasn't ever tried to successfully arrange. I can more than understand their reasonings for this though. For one thing as Mick Foley wrote in his book, the idea of a Scaffold Match in and of itself is probably one of the most borderline psychotic inventions of the latter half of the twentieth century. I mean really, who in their right mind would ever willingly take a plunge off a 20 foot scaffold? I don't care if you padded the ring with 10,000 pillows and half a dozen water balloons, you couldn't pay me enough to ever attempt a stunt like that, unless, there was a rope. A rope somewhat similar to the one Mr. Burchill uses in his in ring entrance every Friday night. Imagine this scene playing out for a moment if you will, there are two teams comprised of four men on each side. Team A consists of William Regal, Fit Finlay, and MNM. Team B consists of Paul Burchill, Bobby Lashley, Paul London and Brian 'Spanky' Kendrick. Above the ring there is a scaffold with ladders on each side and ropes hanging from underneath it so that each team may ascend to the top when the allotted time occurs. On the scaffold there is the unqiue addition of a wobbly wooden plank that would somewhat resemble a standard issue Olympic diving board. This board would ideally be used by the more athletically inclined members of each team ( London and Kendrick and MNM) to perform their dare devil flips off of it and come crashing down onto their helpless opponents. The ropes however could also be used by that Johnny Depp lookalike Paul Burchill to come swinging down (with a sword in his mouth) to crash into the opposition below or also to flee from on oncoming pursuer at lightning speed. How would one win this match you ask? It's quite simple really, and I will now explain it to you in the simplest of all possible definitions. Each team would be pre-fitted with captains. These team captains would be the equivalent of the 'King' piece in a regular game of chess. What that basically means is this, you can kill off all the other little pieces, but in the end, if the King is not vanquished, you will not win the contest. Now with this in mind it would be of great interest for all parties involved to keep their team captains in a place that would assure that they would be out of harms way for the majority of the match. But alas, if they are thinking that they will be allowed to hide their main man under the ring or stick a Rey Mysterio mask on him and camouflage him out into a sea of swarming fans, then they are highly, highly mistaken. Because the captain of each team will be the one's to start out on the scaffold to begin with. They will be left up their to do battle while down below we will have what will appear to be just a regular six man tag team match going on. The only thing different about this tag match will be that every time someone is pinned or made to submit, then the person who scored the pin fall or submission will be allowed to climb the ladder up to the scaffold giving their team a decided numeric advantage over whoever is left up there on the scaffolding to fend off his oncoming foes. The person who was pinned or made to submit however will be eliminated from the match and sent back to the dressing room to a rousing chant of 'Na na na.. Na na na.. Hey hey hey.. Goodbye!' Now attached to this scaffolding on each side as a special precautionary measure will be two double beam steel guard rails. The only part of scaffold that will be left devoid of these rails will be the point where the plank is located. Once the regular six man tag team match is over, the way to win the whole shebang is to make the opposing team's captain walk the plank. Well, let me rephrase that. The only way to win the match is to forcefully insist that the opposing teams captain take a long plunge off the plank onto the hard ring canvas below and then subsequently send one of your team members down there after him for the deciding pin fall. Now you may be wondering, why wait until the match is over to allow victory to occur? Well my answer to that is this, the team that scores the most pin falls will receive the most amount of time and also will get the biggest opportunity to work over and wear down the opposing team's captain, therefore making the inevitable job of sending him sailing off that plank an altogether much easier job than it would be if said team captain was fresh and ready to go. Also in the end, one of the teams is going to wind up with a special handi-cap advantage unless there is some unforeseen circumstance that occurs. Whether it be four on one, three on two, or two on two ( in case of some kind of double elimination in the preliminary match-up) the match will continue on nevertheless on top of the scaffold after the final pin fall or submission has been accounted for. Keep in mind at any time, any member of either team may be thrown off the scaffolding, but this does not in turn eliminate them from the match (although it very well might eliminate them from their careers if they land the wrong way). So once there exists the situation where there are wrestlers both in the ring and on the scaffold, then you may see those aforementioned dare-devil like antics from the likes of London and Kendrick who may at that time take as many leaps off of that scaffold as they would so desire. Now the match will be declared lawfully over once the team captain has been knocked off the scaffolding and pinned inside the middle of the ring. This is where the toughness factor will come into play ten fold. If someone were to be resilient enough to not only survive the fall from the scaffold but also not allow himself the humiliation of being pinned, he would then keep his team's chances of winning afloat. The reward for the team that wins this match would be as follows. For the captain, a guaranteed shot at the World Heavyweight title. For the first mate (singles wrestler, I.E Finlay or Lashley) a guaranteed shot at the United States title, and finally for the crew (the tag team) a guaranteed shot at the Tag Team Championship whenever they so desire. I realize that right now MNM are officially already the champions but this stipulation could be enacted at any time after they lose those straps as well. For my ideal repercussions of this match up, I would like to see one William Regal pull off the victory, and then go on to defeat Rey Mysterio so that he may have his brief complimentary cup of coffee (or warm tea) moment in the sun as World Champion. I'm practically sure that if that were to occur, there would be massive ejaculations throughout the entire British realm of the IWC so intense and severe that all future penile secretions would be forever held in comparison to that one glorious 'squirt of 06'. Okay, so maybe that idea sucks, and I've probably pissed a few people off talking about masturbatory emissions and what not. But hey, what the hell. You try and come up with something better than this on a late night when you've frying your mind with Frito-lays and three week old bottles of Mr. Pibb. It's more challenging than it looks. Now for the sticklers, let's review this match issue by issue to see what it's strong points and it's weak points would be. First off the most important factor 'Marketability'. I may lose some points on this front as all the participants involved are pretty much mid-card guys. However I feel the creative aspect of this encounter just might be enough to make some casual viewer go 'Hmm.. that's pretty fucked up right there' which would thus make him put down his remote and continue watching. Now for the originality issue, seriously, have you ever seen a match like this done before? I know there have been plenty of scaffold matches but as far as I can recall there has never been an eight man tag team scaffold match involving pirates, planks and other assorted 'booty'. Now to conclude this little bugger, that last sentence just gave me a grand idea. As an added reward to the winner of this match, there should be a gigantic treasure chest filled with 'booty' or if that's not your cup of tea then how about the winners all get some actual 'booty' from the likes of Melina or some other smoking hot Smackdown diva. Now that my friends, would be a prize worth fighting for. If you disagree with that, then you're gayer than Orlando Jordan. Now to end this edition of Pulp Wrestling I would now like to present to you... Matches that almost made the cut, but were instead left on the cutting room floor due to various reasons. Ultimate Y - This match would be very similar, if not a blatant rip-off of Ultimate X. The only difference being that the wires hanging above the ring would be in a 'Y' shaped formation instead of an 'X' shaped formation. This would also serve as a metaphorical reminder to the wrestlers and promoters to keep in mind during the match, I.E, 'Why did we ever agree to take part in this crazy stunt to begin with?' Last Prick Standing - In this match each wrestler would have a designated kicker, and after every pin fall said designated kicker would then enter the ring and kick the opposing wrestler square in the testicles. Each time you are pinned in this match increases the number of kicks you will receive after the fall. The first wrestler to pass out or say 'I quit' would be declared the loser. It's that simple. Mystery Money In The Bank Casket Match - In this match there would be six caskets placed around ringside. In five of these six caskets would be a rotting corpse (or a dummy made up to look like one) and an extreme weapon of some kind, I.E Barbwire, Thumbtacks, Lighter Fluid, etc etc... But alas inside one of these Caskets would be 'The Money In The Bank' briefcase. To win the match you must successfully stuff all of your opponents into the other caskets (after removing the previous dead bodies from them imaginably) and then the briefcase and the title shot (good for a year!) would be declared rightfully yours. Blindfold Ladder Match - Basically like your run of the mill ladder match, but with the added stipulation that both wrestlers must be kept blindfolded at all times, thus increasing the fun! And Finally… The Human BBQ Match - This match would take place in a round grill like cage that would completely surround the ring on all sides and on top. Around the ring there would be a blazing inferno, and on top of the cage there would also be another circle of fire burning ever hot. To win the match you must tie your opponent to a special sliding rotisserie poll that would be hanging from the cage itself and then turn the crank sending him into the fire (preferably with an apple stuck into his mouth to add a little flavor to the whole affair). Also all around ring-side there would be burning hot chunks of charcoal. Well, that about does her, wraps er' up all nice and neat you could say. Thanks for wasting another five minutes of your life with me. Now by all means, go out and do something productive for a change. E-Mail Jules *NEW GALLERY* Amazing! The VERY RARE & Revealing Kelly Kelly BEACH PHOTOSHOOT!!!
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