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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Tuesday, April 18, 2006 at 9:52 PM EST
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Welcome back everybody to the column that gets more mixed reactions than John Cena, The Nosebleed Section. I am your Doctor of Randomonics, and in spite of the fact that I stand here a two trick pony I’m still loved in the female ages 12-16 and male ages 7-14 demographics. As we’re learning in the world of sports entertainment this may not be much, but it is certainly enough. Just ask Nickelodeon. Or TNA. For today, I’ll be doing a very special Observations section concerning strictly live notes from the Raw/Smackdown Super Show in St. Louis on Monday night, the return of the Top Ten list, and the column that should send me straight to hell. No, really though. As many of you know, I made the trek across the great state of Missouri Monday night to take in the Raw/Smackdown Supershow from St. Louis. I made a few mental notes throughout the night that I’d like to share with you here. I’m not entirely sold on the Super show format. Yes, it was awesome to be able to see both shows for cheap, but the crowd was dead for a great deal of Smackdown, which taped prior to Raw. If anybody has any doubts that Smackdown is the [b] show of the WWE-don’t. The entire atmosphere went to a whole new level when Raw went live. I attribute this to the fact that Raw is “live” whereas Smackdown was taped, something that Smackdown should consider doing if at all possible. Our seats sucked, but what would you expect from a guy who write a column entitled “The Nosebleed Section”. I had the privlege of very briefly meeting the sign guy whom I took a couple shots at in my last column. Cool guy, and if anybody’s friends with the tall red-capped, blue shirted icon of wrestling fandom, let him know I’d like to get him on board for a column sometime. Pop of the night : Tough call, but to me it was Cena’s entrance. The crowd erupted for that in a chorus of boos and cheers, and it was a ton of fun to be there for that. Shawn’s super kick on McMahon in the opening segment was a great pop as well. Most Heat: JBL. It was really the only segment all night that I would say the crowd was really electric for during Smackdown, though I’d say they were a good crowd throughout both shows (you watched at home, you tell me). People “hate” Triple H, and they “hate” Vince and Edge, but the HATE JBL. Most Over-face: Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michales. Don’t sleep on Carlito though, he was very over as well. Crowd chant of the night : For me, it’s a very small one that probably wasn’t even audible on TV. Started by me and a couple roomates and joined by any “smarks” in our section, during Umaga’s match a scattered “Rosie’s better! *clap clap clap clap clap*” broke out that was hilarious. “Who Cares” moment of the night: Charlie Haas returns. No heat whatsoever. I seriously wondered if half the crowd realized who he was, because I’m not sure anybody there cave a damn. Shelton seemed to lack any pop as well, as did Umaga, Kahli and Funaki. Kane, Booker T, MNM, and Carlito were all very over, as were many of the Raw main eventers that you would expect. Off air Moment of the Night : Undertaker vs. Cena when the cameras quit on Raw. The night ended on a total downer when Kahli broke up what had been a great 20 minute match between Cena and Taker with the crowd chanting “Let’s go Taker! Let’s go Cena!” Kahli came down and threw a couple of weak punches/kicks before heading to the back. Taker followed him back and the night ended with Cena holding up the belt and heading to the back. By now, we have all had our fun trying to figure out what exactly Vince McMahon is trying to do by booking God in a tag team match for Backlash. I have little doubts in my mind that the religious right will be up in arms about this, though it could be argued that they are simply no longer paying attention anymore. The days of Vince’s feuds with the Parents Television Council may have finally come to an end. Even the censors have changed the channel. Luckily for you however, dearest reader, I have not changed the channel. In fact, I would address this column to all of you who seem to have poked a bit too much fun at the idea of the almighty teaming up with Shawn Michaels. I understand your shock and I acknowledge your awe, but you are simply misinformed. As was I. See, sadly I often have commitments on Monday nights that force me to miss the first hour or so of Raw. So imagine my surprise two weeks ago, when I plopped down in my living room and asked my roommate what I had missed on Raw. When he replied “McMahon booked God for Backlash” I was as shocked as the rest of you. In fact, my first thought was that "THE WRESTLING....GAWD!" would be appearing.  I soon realized that this wasn't only a wrestling God we were talking about but rather the original "Eat the wrong apple and I'll smite you with 40 Days of water so go build a fucking boat" God. My roomate and I poked our fun about how God was just being brought in for one night only to put over Orton, and we speculated that this could be the return of DX (Triple H=King of Kings=God) but unlike many of you, my infatuation with the booking of God did not stop at simple jest. Instead I decided to dig a little deeper in this, and find out exactly what sort of credentials God has in the ring, where he was trained, etc. Why not? Whenever a rookie gets an OVW call up, the IWC always springs into action to find out everything we can about the latest spring chicken. So, I dug a little deeper, and I found this guy:  Now, while I truly appreciate the holy guitar riffs and heavenly growling of blissful lyrics by Metallica’s James Hetfield, I realized immediately that my search for God had turned up a false idol. After quenching a sudden craving for “Master of Puppets” I threw the CD on and went back to work. Continuing on in my search for God I discovered this:  Now, I happen to own the book “Foley is Good” and in fact, I have an autographed copy. In said autograph, it is (somewhat) clearly written “Mick Foley” and definitely not signed “The Almighty,” “King of Kings,” or “Lord of lords.” Nor does the scribbled handwriting translate into “Jehovah,” “Allah,” or “James Hetfield.” No, it simply says “Mick mother fuckin Foley” and that’s that. I’ve seen Mick do some crazy shit in my ascent to markdom, but I’ve never seen him walk on water or turn water into whine. I’ve also never seen him cause centuries of war, grant eternal piece, or flood the world with a flick of his flannel-clad wrist. So, regrettably, I regret to inform my dear reader that despite what the signs taken to Raw circa 2000 may say, Foley is not God. Good yes, God no. So, growing somewhat downtrodden and discouraged I began to question myself as a quasi-journalist. I began shouting “WHY!??!” towards the heavens, and at one point had even run into this guy and began interrogating him.  Throwing him into a nearby mailbox, I threatened the bearded patron of downtown Randomland. I was convinced this man was god, for he looked like every depiction I’d ever seen of the Big Bang Personified. Regrettably our (somewhat scared) elderly gentlemen was able to provide a valid drivers license and social security card that proved him to be none other than Santa Claus, and thus even the almighty Google Image search had let me down in my search for God. While you might assume that at this point, my search for God might actually lead me to a church, I’m sorry to say you are wrong. I haven’t been to church in quite some time (nearly a year now) and knowing that as a Catholic a confessional assures me a clean slate before death, I don’t tend to worry about such things. I briefly considered taking my search to church anyway for the good of this column, but I decided against it when I realized that 1) I didn’t have the money, and 2) Vince had already beat me to the church jokes on Raw last week. I was just about to give up when I discovered the Holy Grail of divine wrestling information www.godwrestles.com It turns out that the man booked by Vince McMahon is actually not just some random deity, nor is this a complete crock of McMahonian shit where he books our Creator only to roll out some 70-seventy something year old guy that throws a worse punch than RVD. No, as it turns out the man signed by WWE to portray “God” at Backlash is actually twenty-nine year old Indy worker Modnar Sidog. Born of Portuguese descent, Modnar is a 6’3”, 240lb former NCAA champion and three sport star at Eastern Juliet High School in Nevada. A third generation superstar, Sidog is actually the real last name of Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, whom Modnar is said to borrow much of his ring style from. Ironically, Sidog was near OVW callup once as a young lad three years ago. Having worked the Indy scene as “Jehovah” and “Allah” (depending on the ethnic makeup of his audience) Sidog was gaining a great deal of momentum, particularly during TNA’s initial World X Cup when the company was still airing only weekly PPV shows on Wednesday nights. Fearing that the gifted big man would help TNA launch unnecessary competition to the WWE, Vince signed Sidog to an irresistible developmental deal. He was sent to OVW where he began perfecting his holier than thou gimmick. According to www.prowrestlingdeushbags.com Sidog was blackballed from the WWE following a tragic in ring accident in 2003. On the verge of his call up to aid in the development of the Reverend D-Von character (a roll that was later filled by Deacon Batista) Sidog botched his finishing maneuver on Prototype (John Cena) whom the WWE was quite high on at the time. The maneuver, an inverted diving flip top-rope tombstone that Sidog calls “Divine Intervention” was thought by many to be too dangerous for a WWE sanctioned ring and this proved to be true when Sidog over-extended during the move and nearly broke the neck of Prototype (Cena) and left him hospitalized for many months with post-concussion syndrome, the same condition that ended the career of Bret “The Hitman” Hart; thus instilling a fear into the wrestler and rendering him incapable of remembering more than four moves to perform in a single match. Obviously, WWE brass did not take well to the botched spot, and subsequently released the wrestler prior to his being called up to the main roster, prompting Randy Orton to call Sidog “an overrated cunt.” Following his release, Sidog struggled to work as many independent shows as possible though he found difficulty finding work as a result of his perceived carelessness in the ring. Altering his gimmick, he appeared briefly with Roh in the Fall of 2004, this being the first time he used the name “God” His stint with Roh was marked by a tag team title run with a man known only as “Jesus”. It is him you see in the picture below.  By 2005, the man who popularized the “God” gimmick that was directly ripped off by The Undertaker during the ‘Ministry of Darkness days and is thought by many wrestling insiders to have inspired Christopher Daniels’ “Fallen Angle” character had fallen into despair. Spending most of ‘05 in drug induced depression, Sidog had left the wrestling business entirely and was working as a political speaker/bartender/drug dealer until he was called by Pat Paterson (for Vince McMahon) last month in hopes of appearing at Backlash as Shawn Michaels tag team partner. While many wrestling insiders view this as a one-off for Modnar, sources close to the former Duke Lacrosse Player say that this is the most serious they’ve seen Sidog train for the wrestling business in several years, and that he hopes to use the appearance to either gain a contract with the WWE or at least jumpstart interest in him from the smaller promotions. Either way, no matter how this turns out, this has to be viewed by the wrestling fan as a progressive step by Vince. Rumor has it that he himself has voiced a willingness to receive “Divine Intervention,” a decision that many close to the chairman (including Triple H) disagree with. No matter what, the WWE is said to be sparing no expense with Sidog, with well over $5,000 expected to be spent on his ring entrance alone. While many seem to be viewing this as a “cheap heat” tactic by the WWE, it appears as though it is more of a conscious effort to bless the fans with a high risk offense that is rarely seen on WWE television, and attempt to legitimize a gimmick that many believe was simply ahead of its time eight years ago. I, for one, am truly looking forward to what should be the resurrection of one of the wrestling business’ most influential gimmicks and offenses, and on behalf of the staff of Lordsofpain.net, we would like to wish Madnar Sidog the best of luck as he attempts to break back into the sport of kings. We can only hope that he provides us with column material for years to come. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch The Great Kahli? Look me in the eye and tell me this isn’t going to suck rocks. Now, being the silver lining guy that I am, I suppose there is upside, after all this is the guy who may have usurped the push of Mark Henry and thus gotten him off TV. But a karate chop to the forehead? What the fuck is this, some sort of 7ft version of Austin Powers? Cannon Fodder By the power vested in me, I hereby declare Lillian Garcia cannon fodder for this week. Poor little delicate delight of Raw mic got roughed up by Kane and thus Jonathan Coachmen had to take over ring announcer duties. Poor Lillian, get well soon honey. Cheap Pop We here at The Nosebleed Section would like to send our appreciation out to PEN15 of the Lop forums for correctly citing the author of last week‘s quote. Pen is a prominent member of Lop‘s official E-fed, the Psychotic Wrestling Alliance and is on the same show as yours truly and fellow main page author (and my PWA boss) Wevv Mang, that being the PWA flagship Schizophrenia. CLICK HERE to check out the French-Canadian Sensation’s latest match on Schizophrenia, which he unfortunately lost, but I’m sure he’ll get back on track sooner rather than later. Thank you for reading Pen, your patronage is much appreciated. Outta Left Field 10) Carlito’s Face Turn Man this is gonna rule all! I seriously hope that a slightly expanded move set and some new entrance music comes with this too, because if so, Carlito is going places baby. Big haired little bastard cracks me up. 9) McMahon vs HBK I don’t know how much more life this feud has, so hopefully Backlash is the big blow off and that will be the end of it. Both Vince and Shawn have done a great job of keeping this feud fresh, but its bordering on silly now. Here’s hoping this gets wrapped up before it becomes a mockery of a great wrestling feud. 8) Abyss vs Christian This one is starting to get borderline comical as well, which is never good when you’re trying to portray and underdog face and a sadistic heel (sound familiar?). Either way, it’s a feud that’s still pretty hot, and I don’t mind watching. 7) Team Canada vs Team 3D The brawls that have gone on between these teams are just awesome. I’m not exactly sure what the hell Spike brings to the table, but he always entertained me in that dirty redneck kinda way. 6) Rob Van Dam I’m still in shock that he won the Money in the Bank, and I’m amped over where this could end up going. The rumors are swirling and RVD is gaining momentum, hopefully finally getting his moment in the sun, though I’m betting he loses to at ECW to a heel Cena. 5) Stable Warfare in TNA Some people aren’t a fan of stables, but I think that they are fantastic when done right. Sting and his gang of merry men may be more random than I am, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is decently entertaining television. Jarrett and company are a great heel stable, and I’m shocked that Steiner actually seems to have brought something to the table in that regard. 4) Orton’s Suspended WTF???? Maybe a sexual harassment sort of thing? Failed drug test? Complete work? Personal problem? If anybody has any guesses, I’d love to hear them. This completely reconfigures some things for Smackdown I’m sure. One thing I know: at the super show in St. Louis last night, for the third time in his career, he was off the card in his hometown. Fucking weird, and the story is only getting stranger as far as I’m concerned, with rumors now circling that he may be done for good with the company. 3) Triple H My god, what the hell happened here? Is it just the Cena haters who are know cheering H? He always got some face pops, so for the WWE to embrace this is really compelling, particularly when you consider the fact that both he and Shawn seem to be mocking some old DX mannerisms. What can that mean? 2) Rey Mysterio The WWE’s “other” brand has a white-hot champion and its being accomplished without the mixed crowd reactions Cena is suffering (benefiting?) from. Make no mistake, people love Rey-Rey which is a damned good thing, because the prospect of a heel Rey is frightening to me. Another note: Pay attention to Smackdown Friday night, because JBL has a great line concerning Rey and the crowd chanting “Eddie”. “You come out here and these people chant another man’s name” or something to that effect. 1) John Cena and his flip flop fans This is the greatest story in wrestling in quite some time. Every week I look forward to seeing how people will react to John Cena and every week it seems something different happens. I was dying to see him live-in part just so I could be part of that mixed reaction. Although it seemed to be pretty 50-50, I believe Cena’s entrance had the biggest crowd pop of the night, and the energy pulsing through the crowd was undeniable. The best thing the WWE could do right now, is nothing at all. This column was a hell of a lot fun to write and I hope it comes off half as much fun to read as it was to write. I’ve spent most of my evening working on this rather than more profitable endeavors, such as one of the five papers I’ve left to write before the end of the semester in five days. Somebody tell the webmaster I need a raise. If you should feel so compelled, please do me the honor of sending me a piece of feedback via the email link below. Also, my own personal website, The Project has some great writings up at the moment including a piece entitled “Blessings of Liberty” by Lop’s own Pt2. The Tournament of Rock is nearing the end of the second round as well, and I’d appreciate your votes in that as well. The new Tool release, “Vicarious” is also receiving significant airplay on Project Radio as well. So what the hell, have a look around and maybe join The Project yourself, no? Hopefully, I’ll get back to my normal schedule (ha!) this weekend when I realease the much anticipated Second Quarter Title Report on Saturday. Be on the look out for that and until then I humbly thank you for visiting The Nosebleed Section-but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  *NEW GALLERY* Randy Orton & Other WWE Superstars WILDIN' OUT and PARTYING!
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