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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, April 16, 2006 at 9:39 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Audio Show and Kane’s House Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! The Column that keeps getting Randy Orton in trouble. If only he would only stop using my name in his meeting with management. “Hey Vince, can I take a nude picture of you and keep it on my cell phone? Wevv says you like that.” Silly Randy, you have to take your pants off when you say that. Ridin' With The Bossman Audio Show is BACK! RWTB Audio Show Well folks, I got a double whammy for you today. First, a special edition of Kane’s House. And then there’s the audio show. Today’s topic for the audio show is: TV Week In Review The Evil Internet Overlord talks about the job opening for Vince’s personal assistant. Vince vs God. God wins? And whatever captures my interest. There’s plenty of news to cover, so take a listen. Click Below to Download! RWTB Audio Show But first, before we get to Kane’s House, there is on email I would like to share. Hey, this is Dave Nicholas from Kalamazoo, Michigan writing in regards to your last article... CM Punk. I am very familiar with his career, as a long-time fan of Ring of Honor. And what stands out about Punk has always been his ability to get himself over, whether as a heel or a face, on the mic. That is incredibly rare in independent wrestling. Normally the guys' workrates are what get them over with indie fans (ie Paul London), but Punk is a little different. He can work, there's no real question about that (unless you're looking through the "5 minute televised watered-down match" glasses). But Punk's true ability is in engaging a live crowd, choosing his words, and delivering with a believable intensity that I haven't honestly seen since Jake Roberts quit wrestling. I think he's that good. And apparently so did Foley and Steamboat, who put him over with the WWE offices to get him his developmental contract in the first place. Punk could show up on television, give one promo, and be a made man if given the proper platform. Similar early pushes have been afforded to a certain fired Arab/Italian wrestlers, Carlito, and Chris Masters. Are any of them in serious contention to be the next "it" guy? Carlito shows flashes, but I really don't think it's going to happen. Punk could be the next big thing in WWE if they would stop trying to MAKE their stars and simply accept that they already have one on their hands. Turn him loose! Austin and the Rock were finally "set free" to become huge stars, and who else has really gotten that big since? Nobody! Punk could do it. Soooo, after all this hot air, I ask that you take some time and check out his body of work, check out the transcripts of some of his promos, get informed before you totally dismiss him as "another Paul London, destined for jobber land". Because he probably is destined for mediocrity, but it'll be because of politics, not a lack of ability. Dave Nicholas Thanks Dave. So now I, and you, the readers, know a little bit more about CM Punk. And without further ado, I give you Kane’s House. KANE’S HOUSE There is a buzz going around the town. Everyone seems to have one thing on their minds. At the gas station: Lance Cade: Did you hear? Big meeting tonight in the park. You going? Kenny: You bet I’m going! I wouldn’t miss this for the world! In the gym: Rene: They say everyone is going. Jesse Gymini: Yeah, we’re going too. I wouldn’t want to miss this. Jake Gymini: Gonna be HUGE! Like my delts! Look at those delts! HUGE! In the Park: Hernandez: You think we should go? Konan: Of course we should go! We gotta speak up for ourselves! I want everyone to know that LAX was there! Even in the beauty parlor: Trish: You hear about the big meeting? Gail: Uh-huh. Cyrus is calling everyone together. In the back alleys: A-Train: Hey I think I found a hamburger that’s still good! Steve Corino: Forget that! A – Train: But I’m hungry! Steve: haven’t you heard man? Cyrus has called a meeting! A-Train: THE Cyrus? Where and When? In the Office: Orlando: Word on the street is that Cyrus is calling all the neighborhoods together for a meeting tonight. JBL: He has, has he? Well, we’ll just see about that…Get the limo ready, oh, and Orlando? Orlando: Yes Boss? JBL: Make sure my hat is clean. Even the residents of a certain street have heard the news… Kane is in his backyard digging a hole. Big Show looks over his fence and sees Kane. Big Show: Hey Kane! How’s it going? Kane: Lita is gone. Big Show: OH NO! Wait, why are you digging a hole? Wait a second, that hole isn’t for her is it? Kane: She left me for Edge! I thought things were going so well, what with I get her when she’s asleep and Edge can have her for the rest of the time, but that dirty whore just couldn’t get enough! So she packed up her things and left me! Now all I have left to make me happy is my shovel and this hole! Big Show: Cheer up big guy! There are plenty of women out there for you! You know what you need, you need to get out for a while. I know! There’s this big meeting tonight, and JR is getting people together to go, you know, to represent our block and stuff. Why don’t you come along? Kane: I don’t know… The back door to the house opens up and Bossman steps out. Bossman: Not a thong anywhere. And I’ve looked everywhere. Kane suddenly starts crying and throws down his shovel and runs into the house. Big Show: Poor guy. Bossman: Poor him? What about me? You know how many shower cams I’ve had put in? No one wants to watch Kane take a shower, well, except that Orton kid, but he doesn’t even begin to cover the expenses I’ve had to fork out! Big Show: Yeah, poor you. Hey, is that some of Kane’s silverware I see sticking out of your pockets? Bossman: (Turning his back) Nooo…. Later: In front of JR’s house. JR: OK fellas, let’s get pile on into the van. Bossman, where’s Big Show? Big Show heads up JR’s driveway, followed by Kane. Big Show: Hey JR, sorry I’m late. JR: What’s HE doing here? Big Show: Kane? Can I talk to you privately JR? Listen JR, Kane has been down in the dumps lately, and frankly, I’m afraid to leave him alone, so I thought he should come with us. You know, get out of the house and stuff. He could really use this trip. What do you say JR? JR: Well, OK, but only because you vouch for him Big Show. On the Bad Side Of Town, In A Baseball Park JR, Kane, Big Show, Bossman, and Chuck Palumbo are in the midst of a sea of people. In the middle of the diamond, a group of large men in black have surrounded a platform. There is a quiet murmur passing through the mixed crowd, but no violence, yet. Suddenly a man appears on the platform. A squeal of feedback over the PA system draws attention to him as he raises a microphone to speak. Cyrus M. Punk: CAN YOU COUNT, SUCKAS???? The crowd quiets and focuses on the man. Cyrus: I said, CAN YOU COUNT SUCKAS??? Look around you! We got Baker Street sitting next to Pine Lane! Look over here! We got Becker Drive sitting next to the folks from 82nd Street! The whole town has come together! Five members from each street, sitting side by side. So, can you count? Cyrus: Block captains! Working with Block Captains! I see some troublemakers out there, but they’re not causing trouble! But look around you suckas! We are over five hundred people strong! But there’s no turf battle going on here! No battles over ten square feet, or some one’s prized lawn! CAN YOU DIG IT??? A few feet away from Big Show, a voice is heard. Booker T: That’s my line! Cyrus: WE ARE THE TOWN! Right here, tonight! Main Street! Elm Street! WE are the town. Over five hundred people. What are the cops going to do? There’s five cops in the whole town! Four people run this town, but without us, they got no one to run. So, can you count sucka? More than FIVE hundred against NINE. We’re not killing each other over turf, BECAUSE IT’S ALL OUR TURF! CAN YOU DIG IT????? The crowd roars. Booker voice is lost amidst the crowd, and he moves off, as Cyrus soaks in the cheers. Cyrus: But we have to stick together! One Voice! Higgens Street will run Higgens Street, but we got to have ONE VOICE! CAN YOU DIG IT! This is what we’re going to do – URK! Suddenly, a shoe comes flying out of the crowd and nails Cyrus in the head. The crowd is shocked. Then, spotlights come on, and flashing lights, and wailing sirens can be heard. JR: It’s Sheriff Patterson! Near the platform, a man has been seized. It’s Booker T. Booker T: I told you sucka! Stop stealing my lines! CAN YOU DIG IT? SUCKAAAA???? The night turns into chaos, as people flee the scene, While Sheriff Patterson calls for calm. Patterson: YOU! YES YOU! IN THE SHORTS! COME OVER HERE BIG FELLA! I WANNA FRISK YOU! Later: Bossman:I think we made it! Chuck: You see what happened to Cyrus? Man, that was a big shoe! I hope he’s OK. Big Show: We got bigger trouble than that. JR: Now fellas, let’s all just settle down. Let’s just get home and pretend this never happened. Anyone remember where we’re parked? Bossman: Weren’t we parked by the 7-11? Big Show: I don’t see a 7-11 anywhere. But listen! I think the truce is over! That means it’s every man for himself! The car is gone, so we’re just going to have to fight our way home! JR: Now, Show, I’m sure everyone will honor the spirit of the truce. But you’re right about one thing. We’ll just have to pick up the car in the morning. Now, let’s get over to the bus station, it’s not too late, so I’m sure a bus will be along any second now. The group starts to cautiously make it’s way over to the bus terminal. Kane hangs back, looking glum. Big Show slows down to walk beside him. Big Show: Don’t worry Kane, we’ll make it home OK. Kane: Huh? Oh yeah, sure. No, it’s not that. I saw Lita. She was with Edge. Big Show: Well, you’ll just have to let go. Kane: She was also with Regal, Funaki, Bubba Ray Dudley, Spike Dudley, and Johnny Nitro. Big Show: Well, uh… Kane: Ric Flair, Rey Mysterio, DDP, and the Boogey Man. Big Show: I'm sure it’s not…wait, the Boogey Man? Kane: Uh huh. I was watching her the whole time. There was this huge line, and well, Boogey Man had his worms out and- Big Show: WHOA! Too much information. Look Kane, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Lita is a slut. You’re better off without her….Boogey Man? Kane: Yeah. Boogey Man. Big Show: Dude, that’s harsh. Come on. We’ll miss the bus. Boogey Man. Sheesh. Girl got no taste… At the Bus Station. Time ticks by, but no bus appears. JR and Chuck sit on the bench and wait, while Bossman, Big Show and Kane stick to the shadows. Bossman: I don’t like this Show. We’re out in the open. Anyone could see us. Big Show: Be quiet. I think I see some one. Bossman: Where? Big Show: Damn! He took off! Look sharp BM. You too Kane. Kane: Boogey. Man. Lita. Boogey. Man. Lita. Big Show: Uh oh. Bossman, keep an eye on him. I’ll warn JR. Big Show goes over to JR, who is telling Chuck about his time in Alabama. JR: In Alabama, we used to call Black people – What is it Show? Big Show: Probably nothing JR, but stay close to Chuck. We might have a situation. Across the street, a group of people gathers from the shadows. They all are wearing green shirts. They stand in a group and stare at the neighbors. Big Show: Stay here JR, I’ll take care of this. Bossman, when I give the signal, tell Kane to (Whisper, whisper, whisper). I’ll be right back, but be ready to run! Big Show crosses the street. The other group has seven members, but as Big Show get nearer, they suddenly realize how big Big Show is. Big Show: Hi fellas! What’s happening? Man: What you doing on our turf? Don’t you know this is Orphans turf? You gotta ask permission to be here! Big Show: What happened to your thumbs? Messiah: Shut up! You walking on dangerous ground pal! We’re hardcore! We’ll mess you up! One of the group reaches behind a pile of garbage cans and pulls out a weed whacker. He tries to start it up. Messiah: You show up Necro! That’s Necro Butcher! You don’t want none of him or US! Now get off our turf, Townie! The weed whacker starts up, sputters, then dies. Necro goes back to pulling the cord. Big Show: Try easing up on the choke. Listen, we don’t want any trouble. We’re just waiting for the bus. Messiah: Says you! You’re tryin’ to steal our turf! This is ORPHANS TURF! Back off! Necro gets the weed whacker started and revs it up. He pokes it menacingly at Big Show. Big Show: easy there! Listen, we just want to sit at the Bus Station in peace. We’ll be gone soon. Just let us pass! Necro: Nothing doing tubby! We’re too hardcore for that! Big Show: What did you call me??? You wanna see hardcore??? BOSSMAN! Bossman jostles Kane, who looks up and then raises his arms and lets them drop. JR bursts into flames. He jumps up screaming, while Chuck tells him to stop, drop, and roll. Big Show: How’s that for HARDCORE! WE JUST SET ONE OF OUR OWN GUYS ON FIRE! YOU WANNA MESS WITH US?!!?! Necro and Messiah: HOLY SHIT! The Orphans turn and run, while Chuck has managed to put JR out. Big Show just shakes his head. Down the street, the sounds of an approaching bus can be heard. The Next Day Kane and Big Show are sitting on Big Show’s front porch, drinking lemonade. Bossman pops up from the shrubs, and joins them. Bossman: Morning fellas! How’s it going? Big Show: Not too bad. Nice morning. Bossman: We’ll see. I got word last night about what Cyrus. Big Show: Really? What happened? Bossman: Seems his grand plan was to stage a march through the center of town. You know. TO show unity. So, I hope you don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Look here they come! A huge procession is marching down the street, holding up signs, and chanting. At the head marches Cyrus, with a giant footprint on the side of his face. Meanwhile, and slightly earlier, in the McMahon estate. Triple H: We just got this bus, so that Stephy can travel in comfort to all my games with the baby, once it’s born. It’s got enough room for the specially trained medical staff too! Vince: Nice! Nothing is too good for my daughter. Triple H: Wanna see the inside? Vince: I sure do! They go inside the bus. Triple H: here is where the heart monitor will go, and over here we have a full kitchen! Showers are over here, and in the back we have the master bedroom! Vince: Betcha get a lot of use out of that! My Steph is one horny girl, let me tell you! Ho! Ho! Triple H:…. Vince: When she was a baby, I sued to check her temperature all the time. And the best way to do that is with a rectal thermometer, of course, and this one time, when she was 13, I – Triple H: HEY! I got an idea! Let’s take this out for a test drive! Vince: That’s a great idea! We’ll take the whole family! Steph and Shane! Minutes later Vince is barreling down the road, Suddenly Vince shout out. Vince: I got an idea! How about I drive with my ass! Triple H: That’s a great idea Vince! Do it!! Vince: Steph, you get down there and work the pedals, just keep it floored. Hunter, you take a picture. Here use my camera phone! Shane! Shane? Where did Shane go? Triple H: He jumped out when we slowed down to take that turn. Steph: I don’t think I should be all scrunched up like this, it could be bad for the baby! Vince: Nonsense! Just keep that gas pedal floored! Come on Hunter take a picture! Look, No Hands! AHAHAHAH! Triple H: That’s great Vince! Back at Show’s house Big Show, Bossman, and Kane watch the bus plow into the marchers. They can clearly see Vince, pants around his ankles, ass on the steering wheel, and waving his hands. Poor CM Punk is stuck to the front grill. People try to run away, but the bus catches them all. In the Bus: Vince: Did we hit something? H: Nah, just some speed bumps! Vince, your ass looks great…..let me get another shot of you. Nash is going to love this! The end. OK folks. Quick plugs and be sure to check out the audio show. That adress for download again: RWTB Audio Show QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. THE MOVIE BAR IS BACK!!! Home of The Project Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin’ and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Must SEE VERY HOT Pix of G4 TV's Olivia Munn! WHOA!!
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