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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, March 26, 2006 at 11:49 PM EST
Ridin' With The Bossman - Your Wrestlemania Prep Kit Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin' With The Bossman! The column Vince has more copies of than nude pictures of himself. And that's a lot, let me tell you. He's got five phones worth of nude pictures. Can you feel it? It's only a week away. WRESTLEMANIA! It's finally here! The Hall Of Fame inductees have been announced, and that show loaded to the gills. Most of the matches have been set for weeks, and the final build is on. One more week of TV and that's it. WWE is almost ready, are you? Think you know what's going to happen? Who's going to win? Who will show up and who will be cut after the show? I have no idea, and will wisely wait for DaveyBoy's Wrestlemania predictions before I make any wagers. Davey is money when it comes to predictions. Don't trust mine, I'm never good when it comes to predictions. My fantasy stats back me up. So, when you make your bets with you friends, for fun ONLY, trust Davey and Tito (He will probably put one out, and he's solid), then read my predictions, which will be next week, laugh, then under no circumstances whatsoever, follow my advice. Oh, I may get a key one right, maybe, but whoa nelly! I'llbe off by a mile for everything else. I always forget just how nuts Vince really is. How crazy is Vince? Let's take a look at this weeks TV, and see. But first, some reader emails: Wevv, So just read your newest column, and a good effort with a lot to cover but there was something that struck me that I just had to comment on, and it was in regards to Jeff Jarrett. You say: "They used to get 1's but now they're getting .7's" First of all, that plural of "1s" is just wrong. Impact got a 1.1 once, and it was the night Sting "retired". The closest they've come to that is a couple of 0.9s. Just a small thing, but I find it misleading. Secondly: "Look at it this way. Jarrett has about 16, yes 16, people trying to get him over. Let's count them. A1, Scott D'amore, Petey Williams, Bobby Roode, Eric Young, Alex Shelley, Monty Brown, Austin Ares, Gail Kim, Jackie Gayda, James Storm, Johnny Devine, Chris Harris, Roderick Strong, and now he has Scott Steiner, Abyss, and James Mitchell. Mitchell at least keeps the focus on the Monster Abyss, but he's standing right next to Jarrett. When you can see him." Austin Aries and Roderick Strong were never part of the whole Jarrett Army. Johnny Devine hasn't even been on TNA TV for like two years. And as for Monty Brown, it remains questionable as to how long he'll remain with Jarrett as with his injury and just as of late not ever being around him it raises some questions. But I'm willing to grant you that one. My point is simply that Jeff Jarrett is big enough a twat that you don't need to mince on the facts. I'm sure it was a mistake, but let's not give fodder to people who might think ol' Double J is anything more than a glorified mid-carder. Sincerly, J Point on the ratings taken. Saying a .9 is a 1 is misleading. When every bit of ratings fractions count, the difference should be mentioned and not generalized. About Jarret's Army, well, I just went over the roster and listed the guys they had in the stable. So, minus three, and that leaves about 13 guys all pushing for Jarrett. And yes, I agree that Jarrett is a twat. Thanks for the clarifications J. And thanks for reading. Hello Wevv, I've been reading your column over on LOP for about, oh, a few months now, and I just have a quick question. I heard you mention 1) Phoenix 2) Cox. You're out here in Arizona? Yeah, the SNME volume thing was a damn shame. Thank god we all have friends to fill in the blanks... Well, that was *A* question, but not *THE* question :D. You going to judgement day? I do live in Phoenix, but still consider Chicago my home. Damn straight I'm going to Judgment Day! Now, when do those tickets go on sale. Quick check and nope, not yet. One last one, that's a bit old, but its from Dan, and it's good. Heya Wevv, Just read your column and though I would waste some valuable company time with a few thoughts of my own: One of the most consistently funny things on SD is how the wrestlers who come to the announcers' table shake Tazz''s hand and totally blow off Cole, even the faces. Love it. Also, Booker's play-by-play during the Dicks Vs Boogeyman match were perfect. "That ain't no wrestling move; where did he learn that? At Boogeyman Wrestling School?" Good crap, I love Booker! I think Cole is a pretty good announcer, but Sharmell flat out rocks the annoying smart-ass biyatch role opposite him. Fan-farging-tastic stuff. They should have Boogeyman take over the announce table for a couple of matches. Just smear worms all over everything to chase of T+C, put on a mic and call a Booker T match in his creepy random weird voice, occasionally busting with a dirty limerick or the list of specials from IHOP. That would rock. Maybe they could run a story line where Cole or Tazz (or both) aren't able to announce for one night, so Teddy is forced to run a draft-lottery for the announce position for that evening (quit groaning: it would be funny, dammit!). Of course the first name that came up wouldn't matter (but Sharmell would be a great choice), as long as the second was the Boogeyman. Yay! One final thought: Tag team of the decade: RVD and the Boogeyman. RVD inhales the red smoke from BM's giant petrified doobie and goes into a trance, puts on Al Snow's old Avatar mask and KICKS ASS whilst the Boogster twitches and shimmies on the ring apron, chewing on the tag rope and generally being to damn weird to pay attention to what's going on inside the squared circle. Boogie never wrestles, RVD showcases his crazy talents. Comedy plus showmanship equals SUCCESS! And that's all I have to say about that. Thanks for your precious time! There went two minutes you can't get back (sorry!) Your Pal, Dan And that's some classic stuff right there. It also shows that Booker T has made this feud more than just another Boogey Man feud, and into a real one. With tons of comedy gold. Thanks Dan. OK, let's get to TV shall we? WWE TV �The Series Raw Recap Info provided by Carl Walsh We're in NEW ORLEANS! The Spirit Squad are in the ring, and they couldn't suck any harder if they carried vacuum cleaners with them. Man, they can't cheer worth shit, they can barely move as a team, and well, they just suck. Utterly. Totally suck. It's not even entertaining to see how bad they suck. It's channel changing suck. But business is about to pick up. Listen to the Jazz band play! Streamers are falling from the ceiling, with balloons, and Vince has taken an extra dose of his wacky pills, you can tell as he goes down to the ring, where the confusion just gets deeper. We're in Memphis, not New Orleans. It's a McMahon love fest, as Vince talks about how Shane beat HBK at Saturday Night Main Event. Shane speaks, and it's all good, and then it's time to hand the mic back to Vince. Line of the night."My greatest creation is not Wrestlemania, but you, you and Stephanie of course". Yadda Yadda Yadda, one more Lethal Dose Of Poison speech later, and we have a match. I forgot to mention that Cena came down and said some stuff about balls, so he gets to team up with HBK against H and Shane. Which is interesting all in itself. But, never mind, we still got a lot of show to go. Carlito vs Kane Solid match, building up to the tag title challenge. Kane wins. Flair vs RVD vs Shelton Pretty varied match with lots of good action. Nice finish too. Flair has RVD in the Figure Four and Shelton just covers Flair. Foley Speaks Foley tries to pick up the intensity, but I have to admit. I'm tired of the Cactus Jack Schtick. Cactus Jack rarely wins. I've been through the build up before, only to get emotionally behind the guy, and then be disappointed. Faces gotta win sometime. And not just Cena. Cena should be losing. Not to Vince, but he should have lost to Edge and only now, be in the hunt for the title. Still, Foley can speak, and can build up a match. Only this time, I think it's getting kind of old. Best Foley news I've heard all week was that he was going to write another book, this time about wrestling. I loved the first two, and never bothered to read the others, since, well, I watch WWE. I get enough weird from that, and if I don't like it on my TV, why would I pay for a book, and then spend even more time pursuing something I don't like? So tangent time: Foley the Author I read a lot. I like Sci-Fi, fantasy, horror, and some pure fiction. Some Non-Fiction as well. I know what I like. What I don't like is artsy drama for the sake of drama, kind of fiction. Sure, it may get great critical reviews, but then again, critics are a breed apart. Critics are a niche audience, and not always in touch with the general populace. I'm a wrestling critic. I know that my tastes are not the same as the mass of wrestling fans. I have never understood how they can cheer for some guys. I try, but it just eludes me. Like fans of Kevin Nash. I can understand trying to break out of the mold and try something new. I can support and applaud, but that's all I'll do. Sorry Mick, but buy your book? Read them? They're not my cup of tea. But ya never know. They could become great successes. Hell, when they make "Tietam Brown" into a movie, it could be a blockbuster. But I'll say this now. I hated Napoleon Dynamite. I thought it was just horrible. Not funny, not touching, not cute, not amusing, and not well written at all. Terrible. Just terrible. But MTV pushed it to the moon, and folks went to see it. Now, Foley is going to write another book, and this one will be about wrestling. I like that. I'm interested in the business. I want to know. Foley told me a lot in his first two books. The stories were great, but he took the time to explain why things happened from the company standpoint. He didn't always know why, but he gave his assumptions and backed them up with practical knowledge. Now, this new book is rumored have a section, or is about how Vince puts Wrestlemania together. If that is the case, then I will pre-order it now. That will be some great reading. For me at least. And like I said earlier, there should be plenty of creepy, excuse me, "artyness" to satisfy his craving for critical appeal. Now, let's get back to wrestling. Torrie vs Vicki Eh, it could have been worse. Vicki is a hell of a worker and Torrie is trying. Vicki wins and ruins my fantasy league score. I forgive you baby. Masters vs Show Masters wins with a chair. Mickie Speaks There's another gift box in the ring. Inside it is... ASHLEY?!? She's tied up. Trish comes out to make the save, but Mickie is psycho now, and attacks. She takes a bad fall from the ring when Trish pulls her out. I think that's when she hurt her nose. So, Trish gets laid out, and Mickie is bleeding, and Mickie lays one on Trish, and with the blood, is even more powerful. Nice work ladies. Triple J and Shane vs Cena and HBK Cena gets disqualified by Vince, who is at ringside, of course, it's all about Vince baby! So, for most of the match, it's HBK vs H and Shane. Until Cena runs back in and lays out everyone. So, as Vince and Co are making their way up the ramp, Vince announces a match for next week. Vince vs Cena. Another Tangent: Vince OK, Cena vs Vince. Who's going to win? I'm thinking that Vince will win, and H will job at WM. Why? It's Vince, pure and simple. But there's more. Steph is due soon, and that means that H will be taking some time off. Also, by jobbing to Vince, Cena has to get something in return. Cena is Vince's boy, but only kind of. The real case for H to win sits next to him on the plane rides, and lies next to him in bed at home. Steph. Now for WM, Vince over HBK? I think it could happen. Why? It's Vince. It's WM. It's Vince and Vince is nuts. Nuff said. So, a good place holder show, with some development of the under card. I think the IC title match was to get Ric up to snuff for the Money In The Bank Match. Though I do look forward to Finlay vs Flair, there are still four other guys in that match, not to mention ladders. So, it's a weird mix, and I'm still shocked that Carlito is not in it. He should be. Tag Straps with Masters won't make up for that fuck up, as who are they going to face next? No one. That's who. Just lend Flair some money already, H and Vince. Smackdown Recap Info courtesy of Chad Matthews Smackdown starts things off with a band. Money In The Bank Battle Royal MNM, Lashely, Tatanka (Boy that was over quick, eh?), OJ, Funaki, Kid Kash, Scotty 2 Hotty (He's ALIVE!), Super Crazy, Psychosis, Pirate Burchill, Kendrick, London, Simon Dean, Gymini, Sylvan (He's ALIVE!), and Road Warrior Animal Animal speaks, and then gets thrown out, and I'm sure Johnny Ace is crying silently. It came down to MNM and Lashely. Some nice work there. Nitro has got some real skill. Strange to think that Mercury is the veteran in their at that time. He's been around a long time. At least six years. Lashley was impressive and managed to fend off the tag champs and earn a spot in the Ladder Match. Bradshaw Speaks He says a lot of stuff. He now has a broken nose? Good grief man, it was a beer-drinking contest! How do you break your nose? Nevermind. This skit did provide me with some laughs, as my buddy and I were reminded it was Benoit that Bradshaw was feuding with, and came up with a good skit. Another beer drinking contest with Benoit, and when Benoit learns it's American Beer, he's rendered helpless, and left to crawl across the ring, calling out for "...Molson....Molson....LeBatts....I'll even take Schooner..." Canadian Beer is damn good. Oh, and Bradshaw's eplacement for tonight is Regal. Nice choice. Mark Henry Speaks You go Mark! A solid promo, just rock solid. Henry has been on fire. His ring work has improved, and while not near Benoit levels, there really aren't many that are, and he's better than some. Ten Years, and still going. I'll talk about Mark in the OAW. Finlay vs Mysterio Mysterio got his ass handed to him for 15 minutes. Just got the shit kicked out him. And then he lost. Randy Orton ran in and laid him out. Bad match. Good stuff early, but I was waiting for a comeback that never happened, and I think the crowd was too. Way to push Mysterio. Losing doesn't help anyone other than the guy doing the winning. Rey's been pissed on for months. When he does win, people may not even care. It's the same thing they did to Eddie after he lost to Bradshaw. Eddie just kept losing and losing, and guess what, the chants died down, and faded away, and only when Eddie got away from the main event, and was allowed to do his thing, did they come back. He lost o Mysterio a lot, but he was allowed to build himself back up before the loss. Rey is not getting that chance. Rey also doesn't have Eddie's gift of speaking. Rey can build himself back up by being allowed to dazzle in the ring. That's the key. Booker T Speaks Pure gold, and I am really disappointed that the crowd didn't react better. But I guess it's not like they were cheering for the Boogey Man. Then again, crowd favorite Rey was just beaten like a dog for minutes on end, and then lost. That will kill a crowd dead. Not to mention, this was a double taping. So, who knows when this skit happened. Before Vince showed up though, since there was no sign of the streamers, and there were plenty of those. Still, Booker was fantastic. Sharmell was awesome as well. Booker, still the man. Benoit vs Regal Some solid wrestling, and JBL was on the ramp, stood on his limo with Jillian who looked damn good. Benoit wins, and JBL is upset. Mark Henry vs Kurt Angle Not bad. Angle can carry Mark, and Mark is trying to keep up and willing to follow Angle's lead. SO, a pretty good match. Then came angle enhancement, in the form of Randy Orton running down to interfere, and Rey to make the save, and Angle clocks Mysterio by mistake, Mark gets the pin, and then we have the old "how dare you come out for my match, jerk!" scene, that is so old and tired and way overplayed. Just once, go " It's OK, same thing happened to me last week." Of course, this was to build towards Wrestlemania, and it's much better than a swerve in the WM match. But still, I'd rather Mysterio be the one who got pissed off. Smackdown, putting the pieces together, and I have to say, on the whole, that I look forward to more Smackdown matches than Raw. Even the Undertaker match I find more interesting than Cena vs H. Smackdown has talent he time to tell some good stories behind their angles. Raw has been Vince-tastic, and that뭩 not good. Edge and Foley has been good, but it's still a pointless Nostalgia match. Enjoyable, but not really leading to anything. I'd rather have had Edge in the MITB2, and repeat. That would have been good. As far as HBK vs Vince goes, well, there's one thing that people are secretly and not so secretly expect to happen. Which is the perfect lead in to: Not Kane뭩 House Brett Hart walks off the stage of the Hall Of Fame Ceremony. The thunderous applause is still going strong, and Brett wipes the tears from his eyes. Some one is waiting backstage to greet him. Stone Cold: You miss it don뭪 you? Brett: I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But I'm happy without it. My health just won't permit me to do it like I did before. And then there's my reputation to think about. I'd ather just put it all behind me. Hey Steve? Austin: Yeah? Brett: Thanks for inducting me. That meant a lot to me, and I really appreciate it. Austin: My pleasure Brett. Hey, want a beer? I got some Molson in the cooler here. Brett: Sure. I'd like one. Austin reaches into the cooler and pulls out two Molson Canadians. He hands one to Brett. They crack the top, and toast. Austin: To good times and bad. Brett: It's over now. I can just move on. Cheers. Brett tips back the bottle and drinks. He then stops. And starts to stagger. He slides down, a question on his face, but the words never leave his mouth. Austin:I'm sorry Brett, really I am. But that crazy bitch has been living in my house for TWO YEARS! I had to move in with DDP, for crying out loud! Kevin Dunn and Johnny Ace step out of the shadows and pick up the unconscious form of Brett Hart. Austin: So, you'll get Tess out of my house? Kevin: Sure thing Steve. Sure thing. You can trust us... Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today뭩 Topic: The Return Of the Big Man The call has gone out. Vince is looking for wrestlers. With only one thing to qualify them for WWE. Size. Vine has got back on his bigger is best horse and sent word out to hire big guys. Lots of big guys. Who has answered this call? Chuck Palumbo for one. Henry Godwin as well and one other. Test. Test has been resigned. After all the things he said, it was surprising. But then, upon further thought, not so much. Test could sue WWE. Test is a friend of Shane McMahon. Test was once considered a hot WWE property. He has also shown up in TNA, at least once. I think. Test is back. And what that means, I have no idea. A big push? Maybe. But the way he left, and the words he spoke may haunt him. Jobber? Maybe, but Test is a big guy, and has some connections. But that's a tale that only time will tell, and for now, let's stick to one topic. Big Guys. WWE has always valued size over ability. Looks over substance. The bigger the better. Vince has always hoped to find that next Andre the Giant. Fans do react to the big guys, but they also react well to flashy moves, and cool mic skills. Mic skills in particular. Rock was a big guy, but not the giant that Vince loves. Austin was tall, but again, not a giant. Hogan was a big guy, but he had far more going for him than just size. So, it's been said many times before, but does really make a difference? You see, there it's one thing to give the size craving fans a big guy, but often, that's not enough. Most of the net fans don't favor the big guys, and even the marks can tell a big goof when they see one. Mark Jindrak was a big guy, and no one really cared about him. Matt Morgan was big, but again, he was just another big goof in a long line of big goofs. And it's not like WWE doesn't have plenty of big guys already. Mark Henry, Big Show, Kane, Tyson Tomko, Snitsky, Undertaker, Viscera, Batista, Lashley, and Vito. Then there are the "bigger" guys along the lines of H, Bradshaw, Booker, and so forth. Hell, they just signed Tatanka and while it may have been mainly for the Nostalgia pop, and Johnny Ace's quirks, it was also because he was a big guy. So, there are plenty of big guys already in WWE. Sure, the drug testing may have a big impact, but the effect still won't make them taller, height wise. Well, maybe it will. Who knows what some of those guys are on. But my real question is what's the point? Let me take you back to the Royal Rumble. Big Show and Kane. Tag Team Champions, and some of the best big guy workers around, if not the best. They squared off against one another, and the place went nuts. Two huge monsters faced off. And then nothing happened. Well, let me cover myself, they did face off, I think, but nothing ever came of it. The match I'm thinking off was short, and had Carlito and masters run in. Again, I think. That's what has been missing from the big man scene. Two big guys in an actual feud. With more than just a three minute match. Sure, Undertaker likes to take the big rookies and work a program with them, but most of those feud involve said big rookie running away. But other than Mark Henry vs Undertaker, it seems like the concept has just faded away. And Undertaker is resting up for WM. He should be back this week, but still... So, we got a bunch of big guys coming in, and it's doubtful they'll be used as jobbers, but instead just squash the Cruiserweight division right back down to the depths. I can understand the hesitancy of doing a big man vs big man match. The guys are big after all, and they don't move that well, and well, being dropped from an extra two feet up can make a world of difference when you're that big. In other words, injuries are far more likely to occur when two big guys square off than they would against a smaller opponent. Also, the big guys aren't familiar with a lot prolonged selling, since they usually just squash guys. The pacing is also much slower, which could created a dreaded "boring" chant and make Vince cry. But a big man vs big man feud could also do the exact opposite, and be a huge money maker and make new stars. Like Brock Lesnar vs Big Show. The series was truly amazing to see, and had great work by both guys. Big Show sold like a cruiser. Then there was the match where the ring collapsed. Truly an epic ending to a match, one that hasn't been repeated. And that's it for today. I can't guarantee that there will be a column next week, being Wrestlemania and all. Chicago, I hope you get lucky. Lord knows you deserve it. Phoenix too for that matter. So, quick plugs and we're outta here. QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. DVD Fanatic, the Ultimate DVD Resource Feeling Creative? Check out The Project. They're looking for submissions. Until next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING Up Close BACK Shots of WWE's Maryse! WOW!
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