Take up thy wrestling boots and walk - Super fun Positive Wrestlemania column!
Submitted by Pt2 on Friday, March 17, 2006 at 10:13 PM EST





Welcome once again to the column that’s got stars gala, it’s got stars galore, Take up thy wrestling boots and walk. I’m the man that’s freaked out because he remembered the words to the Men on a Mission Wrestlemania rap, Pt2, back once again from the cosmic vapour trail that is my week to discuss the most fervent desire of your hearts, Professional Wrestling.

Well, it’s a certain time of year, so there’s only one thing I can write about, really.

I’ve been thinking long and hard recently. This column can really only be about one thing, the result of those musings. They are terrible. They are terrifying. They are so potentially destructive, that the whole world as we know it could fall before their abominable power.

I’m probably not going to order Wrestlemania.

Wait, what? Let me read that back again.


Ok, the melodrama might be a bit much. Fair enough, it’s going way too far. Not only will the world not fall, but one man (even one as dashing as myself) not paying for Wrestlemania is not going to make Vince McMahon break down and cry.

But even though it won’t change a thing and that one person not ordering is something Vince and Co. will be quite happy to live with while carrying on as normal, it is something a little more shocking than it first appears, though obviously it’s no where near as bad as the opening paragraph to this column would suggest.

It’s shocking, because of what I’ve sat through. I’ve been perfectly happy to sit through Katie Vick, the 1-2-3 Kid in a diaper, two Undertakers, Xanta Klaus, Stable Wars, Mae Young’s tits, Pete Rose getting into the Hall of Fame, Gay weddings, Terrorist attacks, making fun of the dead and a host of all the other tasteless and/or just plain crap angles that the WWE has thrown out at us.

Like I say, I’ve been perfectly happy to sit through all that, and I have always watched Wrestlemania, since I’ve been old enough to know what the hell was going on. Always, without fail.

And this year, I don’t think I’m going to shell out my money for it.

OK, the card is pretty crappy, but that’s nothing new. I’ve sat through Wrestlemania XIII, the crap fest that was saved by one awesome match. I was quite happy with Wrestlemania IX, the crap fest that was saved by no good matches. Wrestlemania XI, possibly the most mediocre of them all. Wrestlemania XIV didn’t particularly inspire me, but I watched it. For Wrestlemania XV, see my comments about XIV and multiply them by 10.

See, not liking the build up to a Wrestlemania is actually nothing new for me. The one thing that always gets me watching and paying for Wrestlemania is the fact that it is Wrestlemania – like the guys in it or not, there is always something on the card that makes it feel like Wrestlemania, but this time out, I’m looking and I see Nadda. I don’t see Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna to save this one, the way they saved Wrestlemania IX. I don’t see Hulk Hogan and Sgt. Slaughter to save this one the way they saved Wrestlemania VII.

Just for the sake of fairness, lets run down the card announced so far:

John Cena [C] vs. HHH: Ugh. Now, Triple H might actually be the best all rounder on the WWE roster right now, and it’s probably only a matter of opinion if you think he is or isn’t, but not even he can make me want to see this match. With his flawless timing, he can’t get me interested in John Cena.

John Cena is not yet a WWE champion in my eyes. You’ve got to make me care, and Cena has worked with some top guys and not managed to make me give a shit once. If you’ve worked with Jericho and Kurt Angle, making me care (especially with Jericho, a favourite of mine) shouldn’t be too difficult, but guess what? He’s come up short every time. HHH led Batista through Wrestlemania XXI by the nose, and he might have to do the same against Cena, but I just don’t think HHH can do with John Cena what he did with Dave Batista.

Kurt Angle [c] vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio: Here’s a fun one. Three options, none of which really appeal to me. Champion retains in the Wrestlemania main event. Only been done a few times since the days of Hulk Hogan, and ever since it always seems to be a bad move for the WWE. Ratings fell slightly when Hunter retained, and they fell when Nash retained at XI. I can only see it happening again here.

Which leaves us with the two challengers. I’ll start with the unpopular one first. Randy Orton isn’t ready. Now, I’m quite a big fan of Orton because I think he’s got bags of potential and before that stupid face turn I thought he was actually starting to show it. But despite his derailing I still think that the potential is there and he’s going to be a player in the WWE, because if Cena can do it and Batista can do it, then someone with all the tools that Orton has can definitely do it.

But he isn’t ready. Lets be honest, name someone who actually liked the idea of Orton being added to the Wrestlemania main event back in February whose last name isn’t actually Orton or McMahon. I’m not sure it can be done. In a couple of years Randy Orton will be ready to headline Wrestlemania, but right now he’s not, and putting the belt on him is a major mistake.

Then you’ve got Rey Rey, the popular choice. Everyone wants to see Rey Rey win the big one. All the cruiserweight marks are salivating at the prospect of seeing their messiah compete in the big one, the Wrestlemania main event.

Now, I’m a big fan of Mysterio, but I’m also a realist, and there isn’t much you can do with someone his size on the World title, especially with a roster like the WWE’s, so unless his reign lasts about a week it will be a disaster.

So in the Wrestlemania main event you’ve got three guys and all of them I don’t really want to win. It really adds up to not caring. Give me Batista vs. HHH from last year or better yet, the road to the Benoit win the year before. Now THAT feels like Wrestle-fuckin’-mania.

Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels: Joy of Joys. Also known as the ego trip. Guess Vince finally realised that he couldn’t put on a match with Bret Hart so he thought he’d get the next best thing, right?

Well, wrong. Vince McMahon, you should not be in a ring. You shouldn’t have been in there against Hulk Hogan because you were too old to have a decent Wrestlemania match, but I let you off. You shouldn’t have been in there against the Undertaker because you were even older again, but I let you off because you booked it well.

Well, now you’re even fucking older again, and your knees are shot to shit so much that you can’t even stand in a ring without them giving way. How the hell are you going to have a Wrestlemania quality match without some kind of swerve? And Wrestlemania isn’t the place for swerves Vince – you did it well at X-7, but for the most part Wrestlemania is where things should end, not begin.

I’ve said it before, and I’ve said it again – if the year isn’t 1998 or 1999 and Vince McMahon isn’t Steve Austin, it is a truth universally accepted that I couldn’t care less. I think Jane Austen wrote that.

Edge vs. Mick Foley: So… we get to see Foley put over someone else that really doesn’t deserve it. Good lord. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the man’s desire to help make the newer stars, but at this point, it doesn’t really help anyone – and to be honest, I doubt Edge could get over if he was to beat Steve Austin, The Rock, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and Yokozuna in a “Kill the Edge with the Briefcase” match.

Money in the bank ladder match: The obligatory Wrestlemania ladder match in the era where people have forgotten the psychology part of ladder matches. It’s a shame, because ladder matches used to be awesome before the Hardy boys came along.

With any luck, Flair might be able to bring the young ‘uns in a bit in this match, but to be honest, I really do just expect Flair to be pissing into the wind while Rob Van Dam does his usual spots and Shelton does the same crazy shit that he did last year. Spotfest Galore. Once again… I don’t care.

Undertaker vs. Mark Henry in a Casket match: Jesus, where to begin with this one……

Undertaker wins. There’s no way in hell that the Undertaker will lose a CASKET match to a man that will be gone when his contract runs out. No Chance in Hell. And if by some miracle of stupidity it did happen, it’d be the most stupid thing ever and I’d probably hate them for it. You don’t waste beating the Undertaker on Mark Henry. End of story.

Chris Benoit [c] vs. JBL: I love Chris Benoit. Not in that “lets make a Paris Hilton tape” kind of love way, but more in the “this guy might actually be the best I’ve seen” kind of love way. But even he can’t save this one.

Some time ago, this would have been a pretty good match. But what the hell has happened with JBL recently? He seems to have fallen from a reasonably big star and a decent name guy to someone in obscurity. Benoit will always have that something because of his talent, but JBL needs to have that extra something as a push.

When JBL was a star, this would have been the match I would have looked to in order to help me feel like this was Wrestlemania. It would have been the match I’d have used to save it and order it. Unfortunately, it’s come too late, and though I don’t dislike the prospect (I’m sure Benoit will do fine), I don’t like it enough for it to offset all the other shit on here.
The Tag title match: Kane and Big Show vs. Masters and Carlito. A tag title match with two makeshift teams. Says it all really. When the WWE fix their tag division, I might care about a tag match. Until then, this really only qualifies as filler – in much the same way that the RAW tag division qualifies as filler every time you fucking see it. This one isn’t an Undertaker “ I know who’s going to win” don’t care, or a Money in the Bank “I don’t like spotfests” don’t care, this is an actual “I’ve long since stopped caring about who carries that title because of the way you’ve treated it” don’t care, and for me, that’s the worst of them all.

So there, that’s my opinion about every match placed in front of me. You don’t have to agree with me, and frankly as a wrestling fan I hope most of the people reading this don’t, because I’d quite like the WWE to have enough money after this clusterfuck to put on a Summerslam that might be a bit better. Anyone who reads this column normally will know that I’m not usually the negative type, but I can’t help being negative now.

I do think it’s pretty worrying when someone like me, who’s watched all that I’ve watched and stayed loyal, who’s always tried to look on the bright side, and who genuinely does feel that “wrestlemania” atmosphere around this time of year, cannot get interested enough in any of the matches on the card. If someone like me fails to get interested and pay for it, how many of the less devoted viewers will be thinking of doing the same thing?

I know it’s more than a little arrogant to use myself as a litmus test for the whole WWE audience, but I only really have my own opinions to work with. I hope the buyrates prove them wrong, if for no other reason than because I want the WWE talent to get their Wrestlemania pay-offs and for them to be adequate. But I look at it, and I don’t feel confident.

But more than that, I feel disappointed – after all, to me, this isn’t really Wrestlemania.


Ok, that’ll do it for this one. Sometime early next week I intend to bring you another YBTB column as BC defends against TUTWBAW reader Rich Warner-Frost. I hope you’ll join me then to see if he can dethrone the reigning champion.

If unlike me, you intend to pay for Wrestlemania, I hope that you disagree with me, and that you enjoy the rest of the build up and the show itself – lets all hope that you don’t all waste your money.

If you’d like to contact me about today’s column or YBTB, then feel free to e-mail me at takeupthywrestlingboots@gmail.com, and I’ll reply to all e-mails received.

Until next time,

Take care

Pt2










*NEW GALLERY* Stacy Keibler Looking Hot as Ever with Her New Boyfriend!

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