Volume One of Which Of These Girls Are You Buying Cookies From?
Submitted by BC on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 at 9:42 AM EST





Some columnists choose to quantify their catalogues by the number of pieces they post. I, however, choose to go by the letter. With that said, welcome to the 36,192nd edition of my columns here on LOP. I'm BC, simply because... well, who else would I be? Dick Cheney? I don't think anybody would be Dick Cheney right about now. I mean, the weapons in Iraq was one thing... but I saw a photo on CNN. That dude looked nothing like a bird.

Anyway, I hope everyone's Valentine's Day went well and I hope you all had lots and lots of safe sex out there. As tempted as I am to make a long string of condom quips here, I think I'll use restraint and leave it at that.

Today, I'll cover your wicket before you stick it. DAMMIT! I mean, I'll cover some odds, some ends and then some odd ends. I'll go off on a ridiculous tangent while reviewing a WWE DVD release. Following that, it's a fond farewell to a personal favorite of mine. Psyched yet? Me neither. Anyway...



MOVE THEM COOKIES

I got to watch the Superstar Billy Graham DVD, 20 Years Too Soon, this week. I'm not going to review it because... well, I don't really want to. I'm something of a Graham fan but I was pretty let-down by it, mostly because it emphasized Graham's outside of the ring exploits rather than his impact on the wrestling business. The DVD spent so much time stressing the influence Graham gave to Hulk Hogan and Jesse Ventura that it really neglected to point out HIS actual contributions to wrestling.

Still, the prevailing message was made clear. Vince never imposed it upon Graham to take steroids. Actually, that wasn't the prevailing message, but watching it, you could've easily been confused. While not being paid by WWE, Graham said Vince pressured him to use steroids. While being paid by WWE, Graham said he didn't. In one of those instances, Graham is lying. I'll leave it to you to decide which. I've already made up my mind.

No, the prevailing message was how Billy Graham served as the inspiration for the mega-popular Hulk Hogan character, an icon that made both the company and himself millions upon millions. Meanwhile, Graham was floundering financially, living on the verge on bankruptcy. Why? Why did the original fail to attain the status that a so-called "rip-off" did? Why was Graham's reign atop the company merely status quo while Hogan's brought both the business and the industry to never before seen heights?

Simple.

Hulk Hogan was a better wrestler.

Now before you freak out and start in with "big boots and legdrops do not a moveset make", hear me out. First, it's not like the Superstar was a "workrate freak"... whatever that means. Still, Hogan was a better wrestler than most others, simply because he understood the simple tenets of getting over in wrestling. Hell, even today, many years after his prime, he's still a sought-after draw to any promoter than can afford him.

Hulk Hogan knew how to market Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan knew how to make fans want Hulk Hogan more than they wanted anybody else. It had nothing to do with in-ring ability. It had nothing to do with promos or charisma or whatever people call it. It had nothing to do with any of it. It was simple salesmanship.

You get a knock on the door. A girl scout's selling cookies. Now, it could be the awkward and geeky girl scout with glasses, braces and a bit of a weight problem. She'll tell "it's thyroid" or some bullshit like that, and you might believe it until you notice half the boxes she's peddling are empty. You could also detect crumbs in the corners of her mouth, but let's face it... you're trying not to look directly at her.

Then again, it could be that one that's developed just a bit too early, wearing her skirt with fishnets since the gimmick wasn't slutty enough for her tastes. She wears too much make-up, but fuck if you notice. You're too busy staring at her tits, wondering how in the hell an 18 year old is still in the scouts. Deep down though... you know the truth.

Which of these girls are you buying cookies from?

If you're a typical horny bastard, you'll probably buy it from the hot chick, hoping she'll repay your gratitude with a little immoral and illegal action. Of course, Little Miss Jailbait's got a boyfriend in Juvie who's 16 and already killed two guys for just looking at her. Plus, you're a sad, pathetic fuck for hitting on a chick way too young for you. Real turn-on, stud.

Now if you're the sentimental type, you'll notice the desperation and longing in the fatty's eyes and buy from her. She only needs to sell 300 boxes to make it to the camping trip and you know that between her shy demeanor and hideous, acne-ridden complexion, there ain't no way she'll make it. Still, you aren't in the mood to crush her dreams today.

If you're a fat fuck, chances are you'll buy from both and eat them all yourself, sitting alone and sobbing about how no one will ever love you. Then, you'll probably order a pizza on a phone you had custom-made so your pudgy fingers could dial it properly.

If you're like me, though... you buy from neither.

Why?

Because if you're like me, you don't like cookies.

That what it all comes down to. It's the same damn cookies. Hulk Hogan, Chris Benoit, Jack Evans, The Rock, Super Porky... they're all selling fans the same damn thing. Some appeal to some fans while they repel others. It's all in how you do it. In the end, the guy who appeals to the most amount of fans for the longest amount of time is the one who gets to go on the camping trip.

He's bald. He's orange. His matches suck. His promos are corny. Even most of his die-hard fans think he should hang it up. Still... even to this day, that guy is Hulk Hogan. Save for Steve Austin, nobody's even come close to drawing the kind of attention Hogan has. Judging by the current landscape of the industry, we're a VERY long way from seeing another contender emerge.

So Graham baked the cookies. Big fuckin' deal. Nobody cares who bakes 'em. Besides, they taste like shit anyway. Graham's schtick today would be just as tired as Hogan's schtick... because it's the same thing. The only difference is Hogan has 20 years of history at the top behind him, giving him credibility. Graham has a sob story about how drugs and disease kept him from reaching that level.

In no way do I think Hogan's accomplishments diminish what the Superstar did. Watching the two perform side-by-side... you have to be an idiot to not see the similarities. With that said, where Hogan took the act isn't a reflection on Graham either. Just because the same gimmick got over with Hogan doesn't make Graham's accomplishments any more significant.

In the end, history will judge men on their own merits. It won't ask why or how things weren't different. It will just remember Graham as one of the biggest stars in the '70s and Hogan as the biggest star ever.

Until the next "ripoff" comes along, that is.



REMEMBERING JOHNNY GRUNGE

I hate to end things on a bummer note, but I'd be remisce if I didn't address the untimely passing of Johnny Grunge which occurred earlier this week. For those who aren't aware, Grunge was one-half of the ECW, WCW and for a very brief time WWF team, The Public Enemy. His partner, Rocco Rock, passed away in 2002.

The Public Enemy have a great deal of respect from me for their accomplishments. Save for The Road Warriors (and arguably The Dudleys), no other tag team has been able to cement themselves as an uppercard force. Much like the Warriors in the '80s NWA, PE were the top draw in the early days of Extreme Championship Wrestling.

Although the company's evolution tends to favor Sabu, no other performer or performers captured the spirit of ECW's genesis like Rock and Grunge did. To this day, my favorite PE memory is their causing the ECW ring to collapse due to the weight of the fans they invited into the ring. Before ECW was "extreme" and "hardcore" and all the other cliche terms that went out of style in 1997, it was first and foremost a promotion of, by and for the people.

Incredibly, when Grunge and Rock headed to WCW and their edgy characters were stripped away to fit into Turner's "family friendly but still violence-laden" mold, the duo managed to remain an entertaining act to watch. Before D-Von ever "got the tables", Grunge and Rock were putting opponents through them en masse.

Looking back, I think I'll remember PE most for their feud with The Gangstas, immortalized in the song "El Scorcho" by Weezer. The militant black warriors went head-to-head with the street-wise and hip-hop infused white boys for a series of bloody and violent brawls with the ECW World Tag Team Titles at stake.

Unfortunately, due to the McMonopoly, Grunge will never be inducted into any sort of a "hall of fame" or honor of that ilk. If he were, I'm certain some overzealous WWE star would quickly kick him out of it in order to protect his own spot. Kidding! Sort of. Anyway, that aside, Grunge has accomplished what most wrestlers aspire to do in their career. He has left at least one fan with a memory that makes him smile.

Thank you, Johnny Grunge.



Okay. Show's over. Nothing more to see here. I'll be back next month with something else for you to read and then forget five minutes later so mark your calendars for it. Please direct any and all thoughts you might have regarding this edition to me by e-mail, on LOPforums or most preferably by telepathy. Just think your feedback to me. If you don't get a reply within ten seconds, you're not concentrating hard enough.

Don't miss my extra-special appearance in You Be The Booker, presented by PT2, coming soon to LordsOfPain.net. In it, I'll be attempting to turn back the challenge of Mr. Steven Quinlan of Benbruck, Wyoming. Actually, that's probably not where he's from, nor does it likely exist. Best of luck, Steven. If you'd like to be involved in a future edition, contact PT2 for more info.

Put a prophylactic on your johnson before you have sex with a girl from Wisconsin.

I made that one up myself. Awesome, huh?

Later.









*NEW GALLERY* Hot Photos of Shawn Michaels' Wife Rebecca!!

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