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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, February 12, 2006 at 6:14 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Cena is Too Sexy For This Column Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman, the column Vince loves to read before taking naked pictures of himself to store on his cell phone and then show to people he meets on the street. Another week of wrestling in the history books, and lots to talk about. No, no word yet on plane ride hijinks, but there’s plenty more traveling for WWE superstars to do, and well, the IWC waits with bated breath. Once they start hitting the net, you can count on Wevv to be there to offer insight. And poke fun. But until then, we got a week of wrestling to cover, so let’s get started, shall we? WWE – The TV Series Raw Recap courtesy of Carl Walsh I’ll say it right now. I haven’t seen the last half of the show. I have it on tape, but haven’t watched it. Yep, all week long it’s been sitting there, waiting. But, it’s been a crazy week. Heh, when is it not a crazy week? So, I’ll go off recaps for now, which makes me appreciate the hard work those fine gentlemen do even more. Wrestlemania Package Poor Chicago. It’s always something isn’t it? Here’s what the card is rumored to look like: Cena (As Champ) vs H Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton for the World Title Vince vs Shawn Michaels Edge vs Mick Foley Undertaker vs Mark Henry (Which just happened on Smackdown) Now, all of this can change in a pants dropping second. There’s a long way to go until Wrestlemania and there is the Saturday Night Main Event n March So, tell me, people who spent a fortune on WM tickets (Current Top E-Bay price: 2 Platinum, floor seats, row 11, section FLR 6, current bid: $2,275.00. Which is a bargain compared to scalper prices of $5,883, same section, but row 1)), how’s that looking? From my current, PPV buying seat, it looks good, but not great. Live is always a different story however, so Vince, take your hands off that attendant, and pull out some tickets for Wevv, instead of, well, I’ll leave it to your imaginations. Maria Gets to open the show! She’s going to be interviewing Edge and Lita. After footage from last week, Edge tells Maria to shut up and then cuts a solid promo. Yeah, keep him in the title hunt. Then it takes a dive. Not a big one, but still, to me, the wrong direction. Edge tells Maria that it’s wrong to be happy when she announces him, and instead to be sad and miserable. Because the fans love a miserable chick, right? Wrong. Lita then brow beats Maria and then, then- HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN! Arrives to save the day! He comes out, and punches out Lita, and then sodomizes Edge with his two by four! He is FUCKING EXTREME! HOOO! FUCK YEAH! - Now, that didn’t happen. Just want to make that clear. Hacksaw did come out, and there was a lot of fun leading up the point where he called Lita a HOOO! Hacksaw, master of the cheap heat, and I love him for it. Hacksaw and Goldust, Tag Team of the future. Throw in Eugene, and you got a stable goofy enough to be the Raw equivalent of Boogeyman. Edge then beat down Hacksaw, and Maria got slapped around as well, and Cena ran in for the save. Kane vs Masters Road to Wrestlemania Tournament match. A solid match. Masters gets the win, after a series of moves, and a bit of cheating. Not a bad thing. Edge Pimps His Ho Edge offers Lita to Vince so that he can name a special referee for next week. Vince acts all offended, nobody buys it, and then does an about face and says he likes it, and that there will be a tag match later to determine the special ref. Edge and Lita vs Cena and Maria. Mickie vs Ashley Trish is the special guest ref again. Quick and to the point, Ashley wins, Trish counts three, and gets the heck out of there. Trish and Mickie Mickie approaches Trish backstage, and apologizes. Trish says she made the right call, and Mickie says she’s very passionate. Trish’s date then enters the picture, and they leave together, while Mickie looks upset. -Man, did you hear the heat that guy got? Amazing. Unless, of course, the guy was just so sexy, that people were actually booing Trish? Yeah, that’s gotta be it. It couldn’t be that fans like Trish, could it? Shelton and Mamma Shelton is pushing Mamma around in a wheelchair, and leaves her alone to get something. In comes Eugene with an action figure (Product Plug!) Mamma freaks out. Eugene calls her Martin Lawrence (after the red hat guy had the sign last week). Shelton returns, bum rushes Eugene, and that’s the end of that. Or is it? H vs Flair Solid match, and it should be after all these the matches these two have had. Ending was abrupt, as a counter got turned into the Pedigree for the win. Of course H won. Cena’s No Homo Maria talks to John about the match, and to give her confidence, he lays one on her. Then he slaps her ass, for good measure. See? Not gay. He just likes rapping about performing homosexual activities on his opponents. Have you heard his latest one? “Your Balls, My Face”. Should be a chart topper. Big Show vs HBK Well, Vince shows up, and says some stuff. Bottom line is that Vince is forcibly retiring Shawn Michaels. Next week, retirement part for Shawn. So, Shawn is out of the tournament. Enter Shelton Benjamin. Shelton vs Big Show Pretty good match. Show in control, Mama-ference. Show yells at Momma, and she has a heart attack while Show chokeslams Shelton, and gets the win. Mamma is rushed from the arena while the LIVE crowd chants “Na-Na-Na-Na, Goodbye”. Carlito Speaks And speaks well apparently. Nice job. Carlito vs RVD Again, I didn’t actually see the match. But Carlito is a solid worker, and with RVD getting his timing back, is one I’m looking forward to seeing. This time, RVD wins. Don’t forget, no Raw tomorrow night. It’s the Dog Show. Raw will be on Thursday Night. Cena and Maria vs Edge and Lita Again, I have not seen this match, but this is what happened. Lita flashed her bra at Cena. Edge speared Lita. Maria pinned Lita. Cena and Maria won. Cena then announced Foley as his special guest referee. Smackdown Recap courtesy of Chad Matthews Show opens with clips from last week of Randy slamming Eddie. When then get a match. JBL vs Benoit vs Hardy vs Orlando Jordan You know, it really bothers me that Orlando spells out OJ backwards. Sure, he makes the O first, then the J, but the way it looks on TV, it looks to me like J-O. Booker comes out for commentary, and the guy is good. Solid match, but everyone seemed really tired. Long plane ride, I guess. Still, tired or not, I really liked this match. God counters, and lots of mixing things up. Benoit got the win, countering a fired up Hardy, with the Crossface. Backstage Teddy lays down the law and says that Booker has to face Benoit or relinquish the title. Good job. JBL Speaks Says he’s the best, and then Bobby shows up and challenges JBL for the PPV. Melina and Matt Well, it started off pretty good, but the tag line needed some work. Melina will scratch Hardy’s back if he scratches hers. MNM vs London and Kendrick Spot fest early, but it slowed down and turned into a good match. Nice work, and Nitro has got some moves. Finish saw MNM cheat to win. Randy Speaks He starts of like he’s about to apologize, but never quite pulls it off. Not a bad thing. They repeat the clip of Eddie in Hell (BOO DAMN YOU! Come on people! Get all pissed off about that! Boo your hearts out for Randy!) When we come back, Randy drives to the ring in a low rider. He says more horrible things, and then Rey attacks. Drop kick to the head into the ring post, and we got another concussion injury angle. Yay. Tangent - It’s just my opinion, but when some one charges the ring to attack, they always start off with punches. Now, some can make them look good, and some can’t. I’d say the majority of them couldn’t. If you got a flashy move, then I say hit the move, and be done with it. I guess the length of the attack is so that the fans can react, and cheer their hearts out, but when the attack looks weak, well, defeats the purpose, wouldn’t you say? Now, in this case, when Mysterio hit the drop kick and did some actual moves, I think the fans reacted stronger. It’s an attack, and supposed to do damage. But, when the drama was allowed to build at the end, it weakened, as once again, we got an injury angle, and there’s been too many of those. So, just my thoughts, but I think a swift brutal attack, that lays out the opponent, and then the guy leaves, well, that seems stronger to me. Gloating is for heels, who have something else in mind, and are usually stopped before they can go too far. Sugar Shane Helms vs Nunzio It’s the cruiserweight championship match made last week. Solid match. Kid Kash showed up to watch from ringside. OK. Helms won with the Shining Wizard. Krystal Interviews Palmer Cannon Palmer talks about the midget division. Introduces Super Porky. Ken Kennedy shows up, great timing and great acting. Kennedy is still a Cheesehead. Before we get too far, Paul Burchill charges through the backdrop in his pirate gear. He says “hello” and that’s it. -So, just blatantly going to rip off Captain Jack Sparrow, eh? - Who’s ready for some booty jokes? Midget Match OK, we got the midgets from last week, and two new ones. One is bigger than the others, and doesn’t fit in. Still, some good work from those guys. The match is interrupted when Fit Finley attacks everyone in the ring, and says he takes wrestling very seriously. -So, what happened to Bob Holly? Has he been fired? Or is he getting off the juice? No, not Juvi, you sick bastards. Mark Henry Speaks Well, Daviari does most of the talking, but Mark gets a few words in, and it was good. Yep, Mark says that no one can stop him. I believe him. He’s finally showing some charisma. Well done. Mark Henry vs Undertaker Not too bad, and Mark Henry didn’t run away. Nope, he went toe to toe with Taker. Pretty enjoyable match. One thing I did notice, was that Taker and Henry traded moves. First, Mark was on the outside, and Taker was working on the back, and then, Taker was on the outside and Mark worked the back. So, flip flopped, but, if they are going to work a match at WM, they have to work out those spots far in advance. Taker won by the way. MNM ran in, and got beaten up by Taker, getting next to no offense in on their own, until Mark hit Taker. Angle ran in for the save, and got laid out, but MNM ran away when taker got up. So, we have your world Champion, laying on the mat, and Taker holding the belt. Which he gives back to Angle. -One thing that would have been cool, would have been if Taker, while holding the belt, and Angle is looking at him, got down on one knee, and did that pose he does, with the title in his hand. Place would have gone nuts, I tell you. But, oh well. Oh, and we get a handicap match next week. Angle and Taker get to beat up three guys. Mark Henry, and Your Tag Team Champions, MNM. Damn. Yep, MNM showed they could wrestle, but Taker needs to beat up a bunch of guys, and well, he loves just pounding the crap out of whoever holds the Tag Belts almost as much as he loves beating up Hardys. Just ask the Dudley Boys how well that worked for them. Oh, wait, that’s right, they’re in TNA. Who have a PPV tonight by the way. No, Sting is not going to be there. He retired according to storylines. Yeah, I don’t get it either. While on TNA, I heard a hypothetical scenario thrown out about why Sting should not be on this PPV. Some of it was about not wanting to face Jarrett, or Christian. Also, they don’t want to have people just thrown at him, in case of resentment. Well, I can think of one guy who may not mind working a high profile feud with Sting. Abyss. One job won’t kill him, and with Mitchell doing the talking, there sure as hell would be some interest, and it would help get both guys over even more. But what the hell do I know, eh? So, another week of wrestling. Smackdown seemed to keep the roll from last week going. Strange, but it seemed like there was a lot of wrestling on Smackdown, and Raw was more talking than wrestling. Still, a lot of good stuff this week. We got a WWE PPV next week, one that usually is just a throw away, but this time, it seems to matter. Cool. I still have intention of buying it, but I look forward to reading the results. Now, let’s think deep thoughts, shall we? Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: It Could Be Worse Randy Orton said some bad things about Eddie. The net sounded off. Not as loud as the locker room apparently, but they said what they thought about it. What did they say? Nothing good. Rey Mysterio is on top for now, thanks to the ghost of Eddie Guerrero. The locker room sounded off. The net sounded off. Not loudly, but with faint praise for the fact that Rey seems to have broken the glass ceiling. Now, another Smackdown, more bad stuff from Randy about Eddie. Wrestlemania, April 2, 2006. Seven weeks away. Once again, WWE is going to the well of controversy to try and force interest in a way that they want. They want fans to boo Randy more than they want fans to cheer Rey. It’s really that simple. This angle isn’t about Rey getting a title shot, it’s about making Randy a star. Controversy is the big gun WWE pulls out to make stars. Hassan said some nasty things. Fans reacted. Positively more than negatively. When the terrorists attacked Undertaker, fans reacted. Loudly. Against the angle, against the guys not on TV, not against any particular wrestler. When JR was fired, really bad things were said about him. They even had a horrible skit (meaning the skit was not good, from jokes, tone, and everything about it). The locker room spoke out, the IWC seemed to blow it off as more bad sports entertainment than anything else, and the show went out of whack. Did any one emerge as the clear bad guy? No, it was a hodge-podge of bad people, doing bad things, and taking up TV time. Fans didn’t go nuts that JR was gone. They wanted JR back, but understood that the angle was just that. Make believe. Little did they realize that it was more real than that, but here we are months later, and, well, it seems to have been forgotten. Is there a call to bring JR back? No? See what I mean. Controversy is what WWE lives for, and there’s nothing they won’t do to try and get it. Racism? Check. Take your pick, from JBL doing a Hitler Salute to Hassan to Mexicools. Relationship Problems? Check. Matt Hardy, Edge, Lita Drug Problems? Check. Jake the Snake on TV. Sexual Controversy? Check. Lesbians, Vince, Live sex, and more. Political? Check. JBL, JBL, and JBL. Necrophilia? Check, and no, I will never let that go. Come on, WWE honestly thought this was a great idea. So, has Randy Orton and Rey reached bottom yet? HAH! Not until Randy goes to the cemetery where Eddie is buried, digs his body up, and then skull fucks the body in the middle of the ring. Don’t think it hasn’t been thought of by WWE creative. Sure, it’s a shocking joke now, but to them, that’s heel heat gold right there! The fact is, when it comes to everyone other than top management, nothing is off limits, sacred, taboo. Anything goes. Ric Flair has a road rage incident? Make it an angle. Hardy got fired? Make it an angle. Eddie died and fans still love him? Let’s make an angle out of that. Again. I think we still have some notes about drug stuff that we haven’t used since ’02. After all, no matter how horrible the angle was the first time, if it came from Vince, nothing gets thrown away. How long ago was Montreal? Is Vince still trying to make money off of it? You bet he is. How long ago was McMahon vs Austin? Last Monday? You’re right of course, but I’m talking about the first time it happened. Years ago, and nearly every year, we see a slightly (hardly any) different version of it. The motto for Vince seems to be “Now matter how much you didn’t like it the first time, we’ll keep doing it over and over, until you react the EXACT way I, I mean, WE want you to” Which usually results in fans just not caring. It doesn’t stop it, but you at least don’t get angry about it, or excited for that matter. It’s just…..more of the same. But, when it comes to Vince’s own family, well, you can’t say a damning thing about them, no matter what. That’s off limits. Everyone else, that’s OK, but not me or mine. Hypocritical, you bet. But then again, it’s Vince’s game, and his rules, and if you want to play, you either follow them, or get the F out. In case you didn’t know, Vince is currently having some legal problems. He’s been accused of groping a tanning salon attendant in Florida. Police aren’t sure about filing charges. But there is a report with police against Mr. McMahon, alleging battery, involving hands, feet, fist, and teeth. Again, there are a lot of discrepancies that police are looking into, and they have not made a decision about whether to pursue the case or not. The actual police report by the victim states the following: McMahon came to use the tanning beds, purchased a pair of Eyewear, and paid for 20 minutes of tanning time. Before he got into the bed, he allegedly asked her if she would take a picture of him with his camera phone to send to his girlfriend in New York. The attendant took the picture, and then handed the phone back to Vince. Vince then started showing the attendant semi nude and nude pictures of himself. The attendant asked him to stop. After he was finished with the tanning session, she claimed that McMahon started talking with her again. She went to clean the bed he has been using and Vince followed her into the room and shut the door behind them. Vince then attempted to kiss her. She claimed she tried to fight him off, and he copped a feel, and tried to lift up her shirt. She claimed to have rejected his advances, and walked out of the room. She then claims that Vince told her he was only trying to have some fun. Vince then left the salon, and sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes in his 2004 black Hummer. -Wrestling Observer, February 13th, 2006 edition. So, those are the allegations against Vince, as told by the accuser. Now, let us think back a bit. We just had Batista be accused of harassing Melina. Vince had three chicks at the Royal Rumble all coming on to him. Vince also had Shelton’s Mama coming on to him. For the past few years, there’s always some hot chick coming on to Vince. All of them have stood there and took what Vince dished out. They may not have been happy about it, but they still had to stand there for minutes on end, while Vince said some really, truly creepy stuff. So, is it really that hard to imagine that Vince lost touch with reality, and acted out? No, it’s not. Is it true? Don’t know. That’s for the police to find out what really happened, and the courts to decide. The sad thing is after seeing it for so long on TV, it’s not hard at all to imagine. But, no angle came out of it. Nope, not one mention on TV. Silly me, I forgot the prime directive. Not even in their fantasy world is Vince allowed to look weak. So, in conclusion, here’s what you should keep in mind as the next round of TV unfolds. It’s going to get worse. Raw on Thursday, out of it’s time slot, where people will click on by habit, is going to prompt WWE to do something to make sure you tune in. That means something outlandish and, key word, controversial. Smackdown will probably be heavy on Raw references, and that will mean that they have to top whatever it is that Raw does. So, brace yourself for some Eddie bashing. So, while you’re bracing yourself for the worst, here’s something to hope for. Vince could learn a lesson. Vince could come out of this with the insight that maybe, personal tragedies and problems, are just that, personal and not to be exploited on national television. Maybe a more sensitive and understanding Vince could emerge. It’s wrestling, and anything is possible. Maybe not probable, but it is possible. Well, that’s all for today. Well, almost all. It’s time to talk about the meaning of the title for this column. It’s the newsclip of the week. John Cena too good looking for WWE fans? Triple H believes that John Cena lost the crowd's support due to Kurt Angle's failure to portray an effective heel. One excuse WWE officials are using to explain his souring rapport with male WWE fans, however, is that the wrestler is simply too good looking. Those buying into this logic feel that male fans are threatened by the wrestler's looks. WWE used the same excuse when fans turned on Shawn Michaels much earlier in his career. This news bit came out Thursday. Hilarious isn’t it? A rumor, but a rumor that it totally believable to me. The kicker is that the Cena excuse was actually used before. So, what do you do about this Vince? Allow me. First, you stop by the fish market. You pick out a nice halibut, or mackerel. A whole fish, in one piece. You go the creative meeting. You ask the guys who gave that excuse to explain what they mean. You then beat them silly with the fish you purchased earlier. Come on people! Did you not hear the boo that Trish’s boyfriend got? He was only on camera for a matter of seconds, and no one was looking at the guy, but man, he got some serious heat! Cena’s looks are not why people booed him. It’s not why they’re going to turn on him again. It’s because he was stale, and a two-week break isn’t going to help, now that he has the belt again. Edge is the guy keeping him afloat. But it’s been Edge vs Cena for a long time now, and the breaking point is coming up sooner than you think. Cena vs H should start now. If H can keep Cena face, for a month long feud, then all is well for Wrestlemania. At the least, it will put H’s money where his mouth has been. Angle not an effective heel, please. That guy was a heat magnet, but he was so good at being a heel, he got cheered. People wanted Angle to win, and instead got Cena. So of course they booed him, because he wouldn’t go away. OK, that’s a rant for another day. Time to put this thing to bed. QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. DVD Fanatic, the Ultimate DVD Resource Feeling Creative? Check out The Project Until next Time, Thanks For Readin’ and Thanks For Ridin’ and Thanks For Keepin’ Your Hands To Yourself! Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* WOW!! Brand New Karen Angle Photos! THE HOTTEST YET!
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