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Submitted by BC on Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 9:28 PM EST
The Royal Rumble was Sunday and by now you've probably read at least one review of it or better yet, saw it yourself and created your own opinion on it. I didn't order it because... well, Mark Henry was the main event. Do I really need to elaborate on that? I'm not going to knock him or any other part of the show because... well, it's horribly cliche. Plus, I didn't watch them and I just have a thing about not knocking matches I didn't see. I can say that I wasn't interested enough in it to want to watch them, so... take that for what it's worth. Still, the Rumble match itself is kind of special and through my various and mysterious channels, I did manage to watch that portion of the show and that part only. It wasn't "the one where Ric Flair won" good, but it wasn't "the one where Vince McMahon won" bad. I'm sure those have years attached to them, but for simplicity's sake, go with it. Most of all, it left me pondering several questions, perhaps ones that will never be answered. - When Eddy died, apparently he willed his car to Rey or something. Did Rey also get custody of Dominic? If not, who did? Why do I think it was Batista? - If Eddy's spirit or whatever giving Rey the #2 entry was a joke, why is it not funny? Furthermore, if Eddy did have some sort of power over the proceedings, wouldn't he more likely rig the lottery for his family or something? Doesn't giving Rey #2 seem like kind of a waste of supernatural energy? - Why was Michael Cole surprised to see Simon Dean, a heel on SmackDown!, first target Rey, a face on SmackDown!, when the only other wrestler in the ring was Triple H, a RAW heel? Does he not understand the face/heel dynamic? - Why was Cole then NOT surprised when seconds later Psicosis, a SmackDown! face, attacked Rey upon his entrance? - Was The Coach T-shirt reading "I'm The Coach" WWE's way to justify his participation despite being so completely not over that most casual fans don't even really know who he is? - Did Michael Cole realize when he made the comment "glad Coach is in the Rumble and not here in the broadcast booth" that there are no less than five announcers currently under WWE contract who could've served both their roles much better? I mean, isn't Coach the only thing between Cole and the "worst announcer" label himself? - When Cole called Lashley "the real dark horse", did he actually mean "a real dark hoss"? - Kane and The Big Show were called "tag team champions" during the match. What on earth were they talking about with that nonsense? - Were Sylvan's arm tassels a silent vote of support for Warrior as he pursues legal action against WWE for character defamation? If not, what were their purpose? To keep flies out of his armpits? - Jerry Lawler cited Chris Benoit's application of the CrossFace an ineffective strategy. Wasn't Triple H breaking the hold even more ineffective strategy? Where was that insight there? - Cole mentioned Rey and HHH had been in the ring for 23 minutes, thanks to the statisticians backstage. I know I've covered he's not the best play-by-play man... but he needs statisticians to read a fucking clock? - Are those pockets on M-N-M's tights or do they just have squares on their ass? If they’re pockets, what they need pockets for? If they’re just squares... then that makes perfect sense. - Let me get this straight. Cole can't tell time, but he can properly identify the Seminole chants directed at Tatanka? - Keeping with Cole for another moment, why the hell did he bust on Lawler for his comments about Trevor Murdoch's wife, then allow his "tobacco spitting contest" crack to go ahead? The former was infinitely more amusing than the latter. More importantly, since Cole has taken it upon himself to critique his own color commentator... why the hell does he let Tazz get away with half the shit he says on Fridays? - Was Viscera trying to follow in Edge's footsteps and ride a "you screwed Matt" chant to the title? - Did Goldust attack M-N-M for being a 10-year evolved rip-off of his own gimmick? If so, was the ghost of Brian Pillman watching over them to keep them safe from elimination? - So Vince comes out and distracts Shawn Michaels, enabling Shane to interfere and dump him out. Why the hell did HBK then breeze past Vince to chase after Shane? Did he not get that they were in on it together? Was Eddy Guerrero a co-conspirator? - Is there some kind of official Royal Rumble rule that states when the final four are established, each has to assume a position in the corner and stare down the other three until two form an alliance? If not, why does it always happen? Is Eddy at fault? - Does the double 6-1-9 have a name? If it does, is it any more clever than the 1-2-3-8? - Jerry Lawler's closing comment of "Latino Heat is alive and well" was sort of off, wasn't it? I mean, he's... not, right? - WHY WAS THERE ANOTHER HOUR OF SHOW LEFT AFTER THIS? If you think you can provide a suitable answer for any of these thoughts or have any Rumble questions of your own, send 'em on over. I'll probably reproduce the ones I find the most insightful in a future volume. By "insightful", I of course mean "smart-ass". Oh, and by "reproduce", I mean "take credit for". I want to preface this by saying that I'm nobody to tell Vince McMahon what or what not to do. Like everybody, I have my own opinion. However, I also realize there's a reason he sits in that chair and I don't. If I were there, I'd certainly do things a bit differently, just as I imagine anyone else who wasn't him would. Whether it be for the better or worse, I'm not to say. With that said, I have to question the wisdom of some of McMahon's statements on a recent episode of WWE RAW. Regular viewers may recall Vince sitting down with Shawn Michaels moments after his second match with Shelton Benjamin and discussing their history a bit. In the course of that speech, McMahon expressed his wishes to "turn the business back to the way it was" citing the days of "sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll". More than that, he invited Shawn Michaels to return to the evil ways of his past, even saying the words "pill-popping". Good people, I humbly ask you... WHAT THE FUCK? I realize the silver lining of this. Shawn, having been portrayed as the virtuous Christian, confronted with his less-than-wholesome past is tempted to return to his wicked ways. It's the classic struggle of an addict. Forced to live with the memory of how damn good it felt to be so damn bad, can our hero maintain his straight and narrow path? It makes for a compelling storyline. Coupling that with HBK's penchant for producing incredible matches, I can get on board with it. However... Does it need to go "there"? When word broke of the new "drug policy" in WWE, I know I wasn't the lone skeptic. I'd love nothing more than every wrestler, not just WWEers, to learn from Eddy Guerrero and numerous others' all too premature death and realize that the price is sometimes simply too high to pay. However, given that the last drug policy the company had instituted was more known for teaching performers how to BEAT the test, it would take more than a simple press conference to prove it's legitimacy to me. Just over a decade ago, McMahon himself sat in the defendant's chair in federal court, facing criminal charges for distribution of an illegal substance. McMahon pleaded innocent and was ultimately acquitted. Imagine if this footage, the WWE owner offering a superstar drugs backstage, had existed then? Or is that why it exists at all? Is Vince merely thumbing his nose at the feds who didn't nail him? I suppose the real question is could it happen again? At the time of the first trial, the WWF went through a huge overhaul of talent. Megaliths like Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior were pushed out of the spotlight in favor of the likes of Bret Hart and The 1-2-3 Kid. This was a clear attempt to "change the face" of WWF by promoting stars with less mind-boggling, and thus believable, physiques. It was dubbed the "New Generation" and was a brief precursor to the successful "Attitude" era. However, after WWF began coming down from it's peak, the mesomorphs soon returned. I won't be so bold as to say who's on the gas and who's not, but frankly... let's be realistic. Somebody's piss ain't coming back clean. Given the recent investigations into drug abuse in baseball, is this really the angle wrestling needs right now? If I was asked who the most popular WWE superstar was right now, I would have to say Eddy Guerrero. That may sound like a smart-ass comment, but NOBODY gets a better crowd reaction than him. Fans find inspiration in his real-life struggle with drugs and alcohol. They'd likely react to a satirized version involving Shawn Michaels much the same. I have little doubt that this angle will definitely grab their attention and hold it. I also have little doubt that McMahon could spill a cup of coffee on Shawn and spark an angle that would capture the fans' attention. When dealing with a figure as beloved as Shawn (pipe down, Bret fans) and as hated as Vince (okay, Bret fans, hit it), the interest is already there. The angle surrounding it need only make sense to maximize the potential of the storyline. Vince has put himself in a position where he's pushed drugs on a wrestler on national television. Work or not, somebody somewhere will see that and believe it. The drug policy, already suspicious to begin with, now seems like little more than a public relations Band-Aid in the wake of national coverage of Guerrero's death. Can WWE wrestlers really be expected to take it seriously now? I mean, the entire idea is now storyline fodder. It completely destroys any credibility the idea had to the public. And for what? To make an already compelling storyline more compelling? Are the rewards really worth the risk in that? Recently, a reader asked my opinion of Monty Brown. As luck would have it, I just so happen to write an internet wrestling column in which I could answer that. Is it pure luck or the divine hand of fate? You be the judge on that one. Not that my opinion counts for anything but simply that, but I like Monty Brown quite a bit actually. I've heard and read a lot of negativity about him and I totally get where people are coming from with it, but personally I think he's great. More importantly than that, I think he's a key figure in TNA's diversity, and for once, I'm not speaking in a racial context. If TNA is actually going to succeed in this much-discussed "war" with WWE, at some point, they'll need to find a way to draw WWE viewers eyes away. Right now, TNA is sustained by the disenfranchised fan, the fan who is simply not interested in WWE, as well as the "hardcore" fan who'll watch any and everything they can get access to. To that fan, Monty Brown can be compelling. Let's look it at logically. Take a random handful of WWE superstar and put them side-by-side with a random handful of TNA wrestler, then ask the casual fan which group Monty fits in. Anyone who doesn't know better would see him as a WWE guy, simply based on his look alone. Monty can attract WWE fans with his look and keep their attention long enough for TNA action to win them over. He's not the hook, but he might just be the worm. Another thing to recall is that Brown had considerable success in the NFL, playing in two Super Bowls. TNA is not quick to forget it. Did anyone catch the reports on ESPN when Brock Lesnar was "chasing his dream" in the NFL? The reporters could barely discuss it with a straight face. It was all poorly worded "smackdown to touchdown" puns. I don't claim to be a football expert, but judging by the smirks the so-called experts had, I'd have said the guy had no credibility at all. Monty Brown can serve much the same purpose, but in reverse. He's established as a great athlete and his presence of the TNA roster adds a degree of legitimacy in the mainstream, something WWE has and will never be able to attain. It's not that I can't see the guy's faults though. They exist and are numerous. Even the positive things I've mentioned can be seen as a liability. Perhaps Monty is TOO unlike the rest of the TNA roster. Save for Rhino, he's already had high-profile matches with every and any TNA wrestler whose style complements his. I think this is a lot of the reason Monty gets criticized as heavily as he does. For a full year now, he’s been horribly miscast not only as a heel but as Jeff Jarrett’s lackey. I supported the initial decision to turn him out of nowhere, citing it as a meaningful swerve. Remember those? Yet here now, a full year later, TNA’s yet to pull the trigger on an angle that solidifies him as a heel. In fact, Monty’s most prevalent storylines have dealt with his desire to turn back around on Jarrett and take his title. The whole thing just craps on the entire idea of being the “Alpha Male”. The lions don’t run from the zebras. That’s another thing. The “Alpha Male” character itself is vastly different than anything any of the other TNA wrestlers are doing. I applaud Monty for pulling off the half-man/half-animal gimmick better than anyone else has. Well, except Mantaur, but let‘s face it... there will never be another Mantaur. Still, the promos get so keyed-up and hyper, it’s a throwback to the ‘80s. From Christian Cage to Raven to Styles, Daniels and everyone else, all of the characters are calm, cool and collected. Monty’s such a contrast to that, his over-the-top nature sticks out even more. Stick him between The Spirit Squad and The Boogeyman, he’s okay, but on TNA, he’s just comes off as a loud and obnoxious. Oh well, worked for Rocky. Before I wrap this up, I have to address the #1 thing fans love to hate about Monty... the Pounce. Much discussion has gone into whether or not the Pounce is a credible finisher. I’m sort of on the fence with it. I realize being tackled by a former linebacker is probably not the most pleasant sensation to endure, but in the grand scheme of things, it does come off as a bit weak. I’d much rather see it used as a set-up move for something else, much like Goldberg used the spear to prime a guy up for the Jackhammer. Monty’s got the Alpha Bomb in his arsenal and I don’t think many fans would dispute it’s credibility. In closing, Monty Brown’s far from flawless and definitely gets some warranted criticism, but for my money, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. He’s got a lot of room to grow and as time goes on, I can see him stepping up to be a major player in any promotion. I’m not sure 2006 is going to be his year or not, but with every match and promo he does, he’ll perfect his act and the misgivings about him will slowly fall away. Except for the fans that don’t like him. They’ll probably still not like him. Even the tastiest ice cream in the world won't appeal to the lactose-intolerant. On April 1st, Lance Storm returns to the ring to face Bryan Danielson in what is sure to be called a "match of the year candidate" and will, in all likelihood, live up to that distinction. Let's face it. What does a guy like Storm have to gain by wrestling in RoH, besides the opportunity to say goodbye to his fans on his own terms. A quick HeAT win over Stevie Richards and a cheap victory over Jericho is the best he got elsewhere. I expect Storm to come ready to give his all on WrestleMania eve. Is this really "goodbye" though? Looking at Bryan Danielson's upcoming schedule, there's little doubt he's going to make this a title match. His defense against Alex Shelley on February 11th and his 4th Anniversary Show defense against Jimmy Rave will likely revolve more around the decaying alliance of the Embassy than initiating a new championship reign. Danielson's already been confirmed in a tag match at the RoH/CZW doubleheader in March where he'll team with Samoa Joe against the unlikely pairing of Christopher Daniels and Low-Ki. Danielson's last opponent in March will likely be Roderick Strong who is the only realistic thing between an AmDrag/Storm title match. Barring the title being moved to the Rave/Shelley storyline, a Strong win or Abyss cashing in his Trios Tournament victory stipulation (all relatively unlikely), this match will be a title match and the first time the RoH Title will be at stake in one of the one-off "dream matches" the promotion offers frequently. Meanwhile, we have Storm, a guy who's coming up to use the reputation he's accrued in the industry and give back to a small company he's come to respect. What better way to do that than by becoming it's champion? Every RoH fan reading just scoffed. I heard it. Hear me out though. Storm can still go. Maybe not at the WWE’s "absentee father" schedule, but he's good for three or four solid outings a month. Some would argue that a victory over Storm puts Danielson's name in the vocabulary of wrestling fans across the board. It doesn't work that way. I didn't hear many fans learn Roderick Strong's name after he beat Matt Hardy. Plus, it's not like Danielson's reign has been the collective orgasm of joy we all thought it would be. Now that I've dismantled the reasons this is a bad idea, let's look at why it's a good idea. First off, RoH now has a deal with Canada's Fight Network, putting them on TV. How better than to draw interest from Canadian fans than by putting a national wrestling icon, and a Hart Dungeon grad to boot, in the driver's seat as champion? Beyond actually running a show in that country, I mean. There's a lot more intrigue here than just a great match. Storm could elevate Danielson with a wonderful job, or he could elevate him by proxy as he helps elevate the entire company. This is by no means a prediction. I'm fairly confident, by hook or by crook, AmDrag will head into at least Death Before Dishonor (June/July) wearing the gold. Will he make it a year? Probably not. Will he surpass Samoa Joe's reign? Highly unlikely. Still, I think this match holds a lot more potential than "match of the year candidate". Then again, that's all I'm really going to ask of it. And lo, it is done. Thanks for joining me this week. Hope you enjoyed this "Abe 'Knuckleball' Schwartz approved" edition, if only in parts. Thanks to my good friends at LOPforums.com, I now have a feedback thread there, which you can find by clicking right about here. Of course, if you're not a member, you can shoot me an e-mail and tell me what you thought. Most likely though, you'll do what I do and just not bother. I'd like to not be so lazy, but... eh, it’s too much effort. This Saturday marks something like a milestone in wrestling history. Know what it is? I'll give you a week to ponder it and be back to tell you next Tuesday night. Until then... *NEW GALLERY* Must SEE VERY HOT Pix of G4 TV's Olivia Munn! WHOA!!
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